Cath1029

I totally get it. I pray for AH often. He was not the right person for me, but I still want him to find his way to the help he needs.

Brae

I love the Daily OM website....and todays reading really hit home

September 16, 2009
Making Life Yours
Perception

There is no secret recipe for happiness and contentment. The individuals who move through life joyously have not necessarily been blessed with lives of abundance, love, success, and prosperity. Such people have, however, been blessed with the ability to take the circumstances they’ve been handed and make them into something great. Our individual realities are colored by perception—delight and despair come from within rather than without. Situations we regard as fortuitous please us while situations we judge inauspicious cause us no end of grief. Yet if we can look at all we have accomplished without dwelling on our perceived misfortune and make each new circumstance our own, the world as a whole becomes a brighter place. A simple shift in attitude can help us recognize and unearth the hidden potential for personal and outer world fulfillment in every event, every relationship, every duty, and every setback.

The universe is often an unpredictable and chaotic place, and the human tendency is to focus on the negative and assume the positive will care for itself. But life can be no more or no less than what you make of it. If you are working in a job you dislike, you can concentrate on the positive aspects of the position and approach your work with gusto. What can you do with this job that can turn it around so you do love it. When faced with the prospect of undertaking a task you fear, you can view it as an opportunity to discover what you are truly capable of doing. Similarly, unexpected events, when viewed as surprises, can add flavor to your existence. By choosing to love life no matter what crosses your path, you can create an atmosphere of jubilance that is wonderfully infectious. A change in perspective is all it takes to change your world, but you must be willing to adopt an optimistic, hopeful mind-set.

To make a conscious decision to be happy is not enough. You must learn to observe life’s complexities through the eyes of a child seeing everything for the first time. You must furthermore divest yourself of preconceived notions of what is good and what is bad so that you can appreciate the rich insights concealed in each stage of your life’s journey. And you must strive to discover the dual joys of wanting what you have. As you gradually shift your perspective, your existence will be imbued with happiness and contentment that will remain with you forever. ~namaste

Freepath

I just saw this quote today. Very good timing.
I hope all's well with you, Brae.

Brae

Update....

So, I am feeling more stable all the time. I have a routine now that includes the gym almost everyday, meetings, reading for increased awareness, time for friends/fun, and getting back into my photography class. I have lost quite a few inches from my waist/hips and also from my victim bag. The things I am learning and some relearning in my life right now are so amazing and inspiring and empowering. For the longest time I kept saying I wanted to get myself back (the me before the drinking) but now I wouldnt trade for the world...this is the new version, the me right now, and I havent been so accepting of that. I wanted to go back, have a do over, I thought this me was broken, lost, directionless...partially because I believed what others told me. I am enjoying this time, even the pain of transition. I am alive, this moment is real, it is all I will ever have. I really am right where I need to be. Now.

Brae

hmm Halloween....

Interesting thoughts right now. For years I hounded the ex and kept resentments about us not "going out" enough. I would also get angry when we did go out, if he would ask how long I thought I would want to stay. I also would get angry if/when he would ask to leave anytime before I wanted to. Most of this of course was while I was drinking but some of it happened after I got sober to. So....here I sit....sober....divorced...could go anywhere and do whatever and stay how ever long I want and ....I choose to stay home. I am happy to stay home. Now that I think about it, I actually prefer to stay home quite a bit right now. I guess I am just realizing the amount of crap that I gave him over the years about this. It wasnt exactly fair. I think mostly I got angry out of habit. It was another thing I could use to shove between us instead of getting honest and leaving. hmmm

Fiona630

Ur very inspirational..u went through so much and stayed sober! Good for u!

Dee74

good to see you Brae

D

Brae

Hey Peeps...I realize I havent been around...just wanted to say hello...Im alive and sober and I think I am doing ok

Brae

Update*

WOW

So...I must say that from the very start I said no way in HELL am I going to AA, let alone work any of their steps. NO WAY I said. So for about 7 months I didnt. I went through my pink cloud period and I thought that idea was a joke too. When I first got sober the original "pop" back into life was so refreshing and so light and airy I was sure I would feel that way forever. Yeah not so much. Slowly (although at the time I didnt notice) it was wearing off. At the end of 7 months I found myself sober, in a dysfunctional marriage, severely depressed and contemplating suicide. Then I got divorced.
The shove that gave my life was my life ring. Had I stayed I would have died, one way or another. In desperation over not wanting to drink I went to a meeting. I didnt like it. I still dont like that particular meeting. However I did find one that I liked a few days later. I have went to that one consistently since. My story is just like any other. I listened alot at first and I just couldnt believe how freakin happy those people were. I wanted to tap them on the shoulder and remind them that they had no reason to be happy for god sake they were alcoholics AND they couldnt drink anymore, so what could there be to be so happy about. Thankfully I didnt do that. I did have some self control left in me lol. I listened and listened and listened some more. I realized that maybe just maybe there was something to this whole program thing. Boy did I run circles in my head over that. "Its just another addiction/dependence" "They'll make you believe in god" "What if people make fun of you for being in AA" Yeah because...being a practicing alkie is sooooo much more attractive lmao...Anywho, I thought well, Ill try it and if I dont like it Ill stop going. So I got a sponsor. Started working the steps...of course between the time I asked her to be my sponsor and when we met for the first time to work on the steps I decided I had already done the first three so on to step 4 lol. Yeah, not so much. Sooo imagine my suprise when we started at the beginning..what a concept eh?
Im no where near done. Im working my 4th step right now, and I can not tell you how amazingly freeing this process has been. I couldnt have conceived of the things I have learned about myself through this so far. They arent kidding when they say youll be amazed by the time you are half way through. The universe/universal energy is my higher power and the immense peace and insight that I have been given I wouldnt trade for anything. So, I had to share this, if its all I can do to pass it on.
Funny thing to...none of my original fears have come to fruition....there is one last one that I had...that every once in a while still checks in ..."what if Im wrong" as in what if the higher power I believe in and have faith in isnt really there at all? What if its all in my head? What if? and when the question comes...I smile now and think...well...in order to find out for sure I would have to be on my death bed or be dead lol...and to find out said information... in the light of having lived my life more peacefully, ......more aware, ......
a kinder human being...I really dont think I would give a flying f*ck about being wrong.

Love to all...

~namaste~

intention

Hi Brae,

What a great post. I love to hear it when people 'get it'. It will just get better from now on.

Thanks for sharing.

Brae

So yeah...time has passed and boy is my life different now. I have been hanging out again for about a week..partly because I havent been sleeping well. For an update, I am still sober, have worked through the steps once so far and I cant believe the way my perception has changed. I truly feel that on my better days I have been set free from the other version of myself. I am happy. My life is far from perfect but I have alot to be grateful for. I have reunited with my ex husband, have been for a while, and we are doing things so differently that its like night vs day. I am also attending the other program ... where I learned to my surprise that the only thing I can control is me and even that can be limited lol.
Unfortunately another happening in my life right now is trying to support my father while he transitions from this life to whatever comes next. Im hoping he has more than 6 months. It has been really rough dealing with the powerlessness of it all. I was drinking when my mom passed and ALOT after so being sober in this is a whole new experience for me. I thought I was cruising right along, crying now and then, going to visit often, still showering and eating and sleeping but...the anxiety has crept in here and there. I find myself in moments of having to fight off panic attacks, and sometimes its just low level consistent agitation... I have learned to slow way down and breathe deep because this usually means that I have overspent myself emotionally and its time for some release. I have gone back and forth over using my anxiety meds but so far I have been able to recognize the anxiety, put it in perspective and take a break from life. I also realized tonight that I may not be getting enough alone time as I am staying up till like 2 -3 am just to watch Dr Phil??? My partner works from home so he is here all day, and since I am not working right now, if I am not at dads then I am here and so is he. SO that means that only when Im driving to a meeting or at a meeting am I ever alone. I think I will see if I cant put together a plan to remedy that because there really will be no getting back to work if I am staying up till hours.
Anyone else dealt with the powerlessness of losing someone while in sobriety? Id love to hear your experience.
Much love
~namaste

Brae

Yup the odd hours have settled in. I think I will try to sleep some tonight though, it was rough at 11AM...I just dont do staying up for 24+ hours like I used to. I took a multi vit before I went to sleep and I woke up feeling quite well.
Tomorrow I am off to spend some more time with my pop. I love that guy but man it is rough right now trying to not judge our relationship.
I have been hanging out here again and I am glad I have. Ive missed this outlet and the immense amount of compassion and wisdom in the threads.
~namaste

Dee74

I'm glad to hear from you Brae - I'm so sorry for your situation tho.

I think it's hard to deal with pain sadness and loss no matter if one is sober or not - it one of the hardest things in life....

but I really believe sober we have the best chance of actually dealing with stuff...as well as really being there for our loved ones.

As you know, you'll find a lot of support here
Welcome back
D

Lipitor

Well done. I have read each of your posts. I can almost hear you changing for the better as time has progressed.

Well done

L

Brae

Im sad tonight. My pop is progressing quicker than I thought he would. That and I am realizing just how much older he has got in the last few years. I wasnt spending alot of time with him before the diagnosis, mostly I guess because we just dont have alot in common and honestly he is a bit brash. Ive always hated that. Anyway, Im just not sure what to do now. I will support him, in whatever experience he wants to have, but Im just not sure what to do otherwise. Most of the time I am there he is sleeping..and I certainly dont take offense to that, I just feel useless. I dont particularly care for the company of the rest of my family, so I just sit and read for the most part. I just feel like I should be doing something..but I guess there isnt anything I can do really. Its just so hard to watch him slip away. This man raised me, I lived with him for my first 17 years, he taught me how to fish... we've always taken care of eachother and I feel ike Im failing him now, because I cant fix this, I cant make it go away.....

Dee74

Sometimes there's not anything to be done I think Brae - all we need to do is be there

D

Brae

It has been a while so I thought I would update a little. I was able to be near my dad for the last two months of his life here. He passed while I was sitting next to him holding his hand. While I wouldn't have done it any differently I hadn't really a clue what that experience was going to be like. I wish I could say that my dad was accepting of his time to go, that he was at peace with it, and who knows maybe he was at the very end...but till then he made it very clear that he did not want to go. Then and now, it leaves me feeling very confused, sad and guilty. Somehow, some part of me thinks I could have fixed this for him, but I chose not to. Maybe this is part of my alanonism??!! I don't know. In the last hour of his life, my father lay motionless, gurgling, in what appeared to be a peaceful state, or it could have been all the morphine. It was just him and I. I was holding his hand. Then it stopped.
We had his service pretty soon after. My life was busy all of sudden which was nice, just distracting enough.
A month after my father passed I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked for sure and cautiously excited. I never did sit well with the pregnancy. It was almost like I knew something was wrong. We lost the baby at 13 and half weeks.
Since then it has been a serious struggle to just get life back to some shade of recognizable. I kept up with meetings and with my sponsor during my fathers experience but all that dropped off after the baby. I didn't go to any meetings for a month and half. My head got a little loopy for sure but seemed to settle right back in once I made my way back into the rooms. It is different now though. You cant walk through experiences like that and not be changed. I know that I don't even have a small inkling of what that change will look like. I DO know that I have so many questions, most that cant be answered...that I will have to find some peace with. I am reworking the steps now and my relationship with my Higher Power has got to change also. I feel like I am in the midst of an unfolding. Without effort, without excessive thought....I believe my life is about to change.
Blessings.

Dee74

I'm so sorry for your losses Brae - but I'm glad to see you back here - welcome back

D

Brae

...and there is always more.

After spending a lot of time in the rooms (AA)...walking with my dad during his transition...losing my first child...
I decided to help throw a wrench in what was already a precarious relationship with my EXH who is a pot addict.
Grief is hard. It is draining. It isnt pretty most of the time. It can take a long time. I saw a lot in the past year.
On top of all that, I had started attending Alanon to try and stay sane in the face of living with an active addict. It certainly did clear up some things and it helped even in the day to day ups and downs.
After losing the baby I think I really just didnt want to sit in pain any longer. I threw a wrench. I even tried to get other people to cosign my BS. No one would of course. So began the spiral that ended the relationship. I am not trying to take full responsibility here. He did some things that I wont even share with most people. I however, had my part. So on January 1st I broke it off. It took a month for me move out. I can say that I am oh so grateful that I am sitting here now and not there.
I have an awesome roommate. I love the house. Things are shifting.
The truth though, is that sometimes I want to call him and cry and beg to go back.
My HP and my self preservation instincts wont let me, but I FEEL that way at times.
I love him. I never knew how painful it would be to watch someone do everything (Pot, women, other drugs) everything EXCEPT deal with life on lifes terms.
Of course all the normal things apply to him. When he isnt using, he is amazing and we have a connection that I honestly fear that maybe no one will ever match. (Yes I realize I am a bit of a sentimental.) Only time can really tell those things.
Sigh. I pray for him. I pray for me. I have no idea what Im supposed to be doing besides staying sober and picking up the phone when I dont feel sane.
He texts me now and then. Oh how I want to respond. I miss our friendship. He isnt really available though. My heart aches.

Any kind words or prayers are greatly appreciated.

Sapling

You write beautifully....And you sound like you have a pretty good handle on your program. Have you worked through the steps?....As far as relationships go...I sometimes think it's best just to let them go. Remember the good and move on. I pray you find what you are looking for. And that you remain safe...sane and sober.