Brae

Thank you all for the support ... I cant tell you how it feels to see all these posts especially when I am feeling quite abandoned. I am still sober. I am feeling less insane this morning. It comes in waves, like most pain I guess. Today I go and pick up my stuff from the house. Im not looking forward to it. At least he wont be there. I cant wait till tomorrow when I wont have a reason to talk to him or be around him or in his space. This is the third day that Ive had to deal with something big. We filed on Tuesday morning, saw the judge yesterday morning and now today I go and pick up my stuff. I will go to a meeting tonight. I really too think that some of the reason for being in so much pain is that I think my thoughts are sorta faulty on some things. Its hard to look into it though when youre in the middle of it. I dont see my counselor again till next Tuesday. I cant even figure out which part of the grieving process I am in. It changes like 10 times a day. Depression, Denial, Anger, then repeat.



More than ever do I believe the quote below to be an absolute truth.

jamdls

Wow, that's happening so fast! YOu can handle this and it may be the best thing for you. My husband left me in 1994 and I fell apart but when I looked back on it some time later I realized it was the best thing he ever did for me. Remember: when 1 door closes another opens.

Big hugs for ya.

Dee74

You've got a lot of friends here Brae - keep posting!

take care
D

keithj

Brae,

I'm sorry you have to go through this difficult time. I finalized a divorce when I was a few months sober. It was a real struggle even for the next year or two, as custody and joint parenting evolved. But it was OK. And got better and better over time.

I looked back over the posts and maybe I missed something you already know, but I can't emphasize enough how much taking AA's 12 steps helped me through this. And everything else for that matter. For me, distance from the divorce made that relationship loss easier, but distance from alcohol never did much for me except make me thirsty.

My first time of 'going to meetings' found me at 7-8 months sober going out of my f-ing mind. Truthfully, I was really trying to take the steps and work the program, but I had gotten stuck on Steps 2-3, had started avoiding, and was doing that all too common slow slide towards drinking. A few guys in the know would ask how I was doing and I'd tell them I was good. But they could see right through me and knew what was coming. Even if I couldn't. They could see I was thirsty. And drink I did, heavily and without stopping for another couple of years. I did some teriffic damage for no better reason than I got bored or stressed out or something. No real reason at all.

I've kind of been where you're at, and I see tons of other people at that same place. The joy of mere physical sobriety runs out, the thrill is gone, and some life event throws us off. Some of them, like me, go back to drinking and are fortunate to get a 2nd chance later down the line. And some of them get motivated to jump into step work.

I've seen it go both ways. The opportunity for you right now, while the pain is motivating you, is monumental. You can start your way to a transformative experience right at this time.

I had to get that hopelessness and desperation by doing more drinking before I was willing to take the steps and recover. I hope you can use your current struggle instead to also become willing.

Brae

So today I was mostly mad about things instead of sad. When I went to pick up my stuff...it became obvious to me that he has the money that has been promised me but that he is holding out on giving it to me, meanwhile buying some expensive furniture pieces for the house. Un freakin believable. He keeps the house, all the vehicles, the business and the job that pays well that goes with it. All I asked for was some money to make a new start. Thats my vent for now....

Dee74

(((Brae)))

I hope tomorrow will be better for you. At least you have your stuff now, yeah?
D

Brae

Brae

Yes it is nice to have my stuff...I did do a little naughty thing while I was there at the house. There was this sign that a neighbor had made us for our wedding present...it said his last name and est 2007 in cute little letters. So today after packing up the truck I almost pulled out but I said hmm nope I need to release some steam. So I threw it over and over and over again at the gravel in the driveway...unfortunately it didnt even break. but I did throw it on the burn pile.... good place for it.

Dee74

All things considered, that was probably a fairly tame response Brae LOL.
I hope it helped burn off some steam

D

Brae

So I had almost 2 days of no crying but that is coming to an end this evening. I am tired of this rollercoaster....I want off

Dee74

One of my favorite sayings at the moment is change is not an event, its a process...we need to ride the changes, through the grieving process, to get to the other side.

I drank through my grief with two breakups - all it gave me was a very healthy case alcoholism, and cost me 7 years of my life.

Hang in there Brae - things will, and do, get better

D

Brae

So I cried some...tried (dont ask why) to listen to a mix that he had made on my itunes account "since you been gone" . If ya havent heard the song that the mix is named after let me just say its all about how great life is now that he can breathe now that I am gone and also a part that says I am so moving on. I got to this song in the mix and became very pissed off. I am now thinking it may not be a good idea to have his car....I had some not so nice ideas of things that I could do to it. That would just get me in trouble. Anyway...I decided it was best to delete said mix from IPOD and itunes....and then I thought..I should make a mix...so I did...mine is sort of in response (not that he will ever hear it or know, its more for me) buts called F-YOU!
Since I was on the computer I was taking a bunch of stuff off of it and came across this video of him taken maybe a year into our relationship. He was so much softer then, not such an @ss. It made me feel good, to know that I didnt actually choose an @ss...he just sorta evolved into one. It also made me realize that I dont think that I have been in love with for a long time. I am not sure why I stayed...maybe I thought that if he would just treat me better that the feelings would come back. But he didnt and the feelings didnt either. It really worries me that I didnt leave. I guess I was caught up in just trying to stay sober...and being depressed doesnt really make things all that clear. They are becoming clearer. I can be thankful for that, even thought it really is scary to me, that I stayed as long as I did, that I put up with as much as I did, that I didnt stick up for myself more, that I had lost myself. Sometimes I feel like I am right here...I am coming back...and other moments I feel like some weird extension of him and that makes me wanna puke....I really cant wait till that goes away. I think I need to start seeing my counselor twice a week for now. hmmm its nice to vent.

Reese321

"and other moments I feel like some weird extension of him and that makes me wanna puke"

You became dependent on him. That happens in some relationships, especially if we're going through a tough time or have a hard time standing on our own. It's good it wanted to make you puke.

Looks like you're having to take big steps right now, which is only going to help I hope. I think you're going to learn a lot of things about yourself. Some GREAT, and some not so great. But hey, that's being human. As long as you can reconcile those two, then you win life! (I think anyway.)

Good luck!

Brae

And it continues...

Today I turn on my computer that used to be our computer. I go to ***** mail where...one of Exs alias email accounts is logged in. An low and behold is 5 or so emails from women that he is already seeing!!! They were all of course from an ad that he wrote online. hmm and of course he wrote to one of them "I am so glad the divorce is done! Yeah!" What a freakin jerk.... and he LIED LIED LIED LIED LIED in his ad saying he is emotionally supportive and what not...yeah because emotionally supportive people dump there wives when they get depressed. I think NOT!! Ugh again made me wanna puke..I wish I could unsee all this crap...but I cant. I went to two meetings today, because I really really want to drink. Maybe fate is making sure I never stick my hand in that fire again. Seriously at this point I dont need anymore reminders about that, so lay off already. I am seriously hurting.

Dee74

I'm sorry Brae. It must be difficult to see all that.
I hope you logged out so you can't get into that account again.

I think going to as many meetings as you need, and posting here as much as you need as well, is a good thing right now.

D



D

Brae

yuppers I did logout so that I cant see it again. It took effort .. apparently I am a glutton...

How do you move on after 3 days??????????

Dee74

I don't think you do Brae...I've never been married in law but I've been married in spirit....its like any other kind of grief...it takes time.

I wish I had wise words but I don't. There's a time for regrouping and moving on, but you need to process it first. And, as best I know, it hurts.

It's better than losing two years of your life in a stupor which is literally what I did.

Lean on those who support you - here, AA, family, counsellor...whoever you have
You will get through this

D

Brae

SO last night I had the most awesome dream...

Ex was all trying to kiss me and be all smooth with me and I kept saying no no no no...

and then I looked him dead in the eyes and said...._____ , Im not in love with you anymore. I told him like 3 times because he kept pestering me.

I woke up this morning feeling more at peace with things. Dont get me wrong..it is still sad but...I think I have reached a point of certainty that had been lacking. Yeah for fantastic dreams!!!

Brae

hmm depressed today...want to hide in my room with sad movies and popcorn...but I promised dad I would go have ice cream with him...and I have an appt at the gym at 1.... I have yet to indulge...spending the day in bed...wondering if it would do more harm than good....

Astro

Yeah! You go girl!

Brae, do something nice for yourself today. Breathe deep and find some peaceful moments to grab ahold of. Ice cream with your dad sounds like a good start.