Brae

So if ya see some girl driving way to fast on the freeway...wind in her hair...rockin out to some insanely awesome tunes.....thats me!

and on with the rollercoaster....

Dee74

Rock on Brae!


D

Brae

and the rollercoaster continues...

sad this morning...going to emotionally purge by listening to our forever mix....HA forever what a freakin joke...

Brae

Seriously...I think I know how big of a jerk he is but it just keeps getting better or worse depending on how you look at it...freakin jerk

Brae

So...Yesterday I got a call that my ring set was at the jewelers and ready to be picked up. I had my wedding rings refinished so that I could sell them. This morning I was sad for sure. Even picking them up was sad. I decided before I left that I wouldnt sell them right now because I dont feel like I am ready. So my set sits lonely in a little box. Sad. Then I found out some things that he has been saying about the break up. I was so angry...I wasnt even sure where to let it out or how to let it out. Someone gave me the bright idea of a letter. I wrote an angry letter. It felt so good. I was pretty harsh to be honest but I tried not to sensor anything. I felt so much lighter and more free. Then this evening I went and sat outback in the hammock to watch the stars peak out and started asking myself questions. The big one "why did you stay if you didnt love him anymore, if you in some part of you knew that you could never forgive the things that he had done?" And the answer is....because he loved me. He is one of not many people on this earth that know EVERYTHING about me....then I realized that saying that he loved me was a stretch..the truth is that I stayed because he was willing to be married to me knowing everything about me. Acceptance, sort of. I dont think honestly that he liked me much either, at least thats what I gather by the way he was always telling that what I was doing wasnt right or could ALWAYS be better. Anyway the point is that I know why I stayed now. FEAR. Someone tried to tell me this even before all this went down. That I was dripping in fear. I somehow got it in my head that no one else could know everything about me and love me anyway, no one but this one extremely flawed human being. I even made him sound bad....(he deserves some of it) but I had to make him sound bad to explain how he could possibly love me. I didnt feel lovable. Im not exactly sure when all that began...probably around the time I stopped loving him and stayed anyway...or my moms death...or the initial depression after I quit drinking. I can say though that over the course of the last few weeks, being apart from him, I have felt stronger and better everyday. I am lovable and I can feel that. Its not 100% yet but I think that in no time it will be. I am so looking forward to feeling more myself. I am oh so grateful for this evening where the stars and my hammock brought me some peace of mind.

:ghug2 for everyone.

Brae

Did I really say that I didnt love him in the last post? hmmm Seriously I cant say that I know that for sure. I guess at this point it doesnt really matter now does it. Well the last few days have been interesting. I am pretty sure what I am going to school for now. I may have to commute or possibly even move quite a ways. It would be worth it though and I could use a change in scenery honestly. Its just...that it seems...that everywhere in my once loved town reminds me of him.... Which can really put a damper on a good day. Anyway, I am still doing better every day even if I have an hour long crying session. The point is that I feel so much stronger in myself than I did 3 weeks ago. I hope to not have to talk to him or see him to finish up the last details of all this. Sometimes it still hits me like a train...that this all happened. But as I was telling a friend today...and he totally understood....that this must have been the right thing. I was miserable with him, I was depressed, I was thinking about suicide (not that I was going to or planning or anything but the thought of it crossed my mind).....and now 3 weeks later while I am in pain from the loss...I am not miserable, I am not depressed and I certainly am not thinking about suicide. This gives me some peace because I sat on the fence about our relationship for years. Its nice to feel some certainty that I did indeed make the right decision and I feel at exactly the right time, before any more harm could come to me. Anywho... I am happy to be getting to know myself again. At first, I will say, that I was going to try and drown out all the pain by using my addictions....alcohol.... and men.....
I have thankfully rerouted my energy from drinking to focus on myself and my new life...the men part is much harder I must say....and I would be fibbing if I said I wasnt looking for a fun rebound. We will see I suppose.
Thats all for now....on to another day.....

Brae

So today is one of those days that I am single and LOVING IT. Going to the gym has been amazing I can feel the pounds melting off. Today I answer to NO ONE, just me. I dont have to get all up in anyone elses business. I dont have to draw anyone out. I dont have to do a damn thing really Thank whoever that the tragedy that I once called a marriage is OVER. I cant tell you how being away from the insanity gives me perspective. Yeah for me and living the rest of my life in a healthy productive non insane way lol

Astro

Brae, I've read your last few posts and it impressed me that you're writing all this out, almost like journaling it.

But what I've noticed too is that you're not writing about an ending, it sounds more like a new beginning. And for me, that's what recovery is all about.

Thank you for sharing your life and emotions with our members.

Reese321

It sounds like you are doing well. There is no reason to need a man to feel sufficient. Remeber that defining yourself is the most important thing. Only after you have a solid idea of who you are, can you move forward. I hope you enjoy discovering who this is.

Keep it up, and good luck!

Brae

Because I am feeling lost today....and out of touch.....

I .....

am the daughter of a wonderful quirky funny man
am the daughter of a deceased loving intuitive alcoholic drug addict
am a healthy survivor of a broken unhealthy dysfunctional home
am intuitive
am extremely honest
am loving/caring
am smart (more street than book)
am passionate
am understanding
am cute and sexy
am a good friend
am a good sister
am capable of making HUGE changes in my life
am one of a kind
am sensitive
am cautious
am spontaneous
am a divorcee
have 2 years of college done
have a few good friends
have peace about most of the decisions in my life
am stubborn
am affectionate
am impressionable
love trying new things
love learning about others
am very sympathetic
am able to renew my life, myself, and my perception of this world.....it will just take some time....

Brae

Today rocks......nuff said

Brae

8 MONTHS TODAY!!!


Woowooooooooo

TO celebrate I am going to a meeting at noon lol

Brae

hmmmk so....what part of divorce does he not understand. He texted me the other day some crap about "Please make sure you watch "the secret" as soon as possible" Apparently he still needs to try and fix me even though we are NOT together. I want nothing to do with him. NOTHING. I certainly DO NOT want him texting me anytime he thinks I should do something. BAHHHHH Thats part of what drove me to not love him anymore.

I didnt respond. I wanted to. I wanted to say "Please move the f*ck on and leave me alone" But I guess I have to be nice till the settlement is all through. After that, there will be no reason at all that I should ever have to be exposed to his narcissistic crap EVER AGAIN!!!

Other than that putting me in a foul mood yesterday I am very well. Taking care of myself, working out, eating well, meeting new people, having fun.....yup life is good.

Astro

Congrats on 8 months Brae, it's good to read about your progress.

millieveronika

Congratulations on your sobriety, that is so wonderful and such an inspiration. I had a stupid divorce five years ago and it SUCKS! However you are doing the right thing by not having him around. I was so dumb - I let him stay with me for a month - it just dragged everything out. Anyways, you really are an inspiration.
Thanks!

Brae

So yeah...sometimes...the universe helps you out...gets right up in your face and screams at you till you listen.

I get a little sad tonight...so I go to this website that he posts on to see what he has been up to. This way I dont have to interact with him at all. sigh.....and wouldnt ya know it, he made some vague @sshole comment that was obviously about me.

Ask and you shall receive. I asked for certainty that this was the right decision about a week before the divorce went through. Anytime I think I am missing him, I ALWAYS get a serious in my face no doubt about it reminder that he is absolutely out of his freakin mind.

hmmm The times of missing him are becoming fewer....Im suprised they are still there at all honestly. I think that its more the security ( hahahahahahahahaha) of the relationship, the comfort found in repetition, of at least having another body there even if they are batty. It is so scary to me now to look back and see what I had found myself in the middle of. I guess I missed a few things while I was drinking a few years away there.

I am so thankful that.....

I am no longer in that relationship.
I am feeling stronger everyday.
My sex drive had more to do with him being an ass than something being wrong with me.
I get to reinvent my life.
I have supportive friends and family.
I get to choose what I expose myself to.
I dont have to fix anyone for me to be happy.
I can and will find more healthy relationships to participate in.
Even though I am up at this freakin hour at least it was constructive lol

Tazman53

Brae as they say in the rooms, "This too shall pass." keep working on you, hang tough, you will walk out of this a better person.

Dee74

hang in there Brae

D

c49

You sound like your head is screwed on tight (COMPLIMENT!) and the lightbulbs are bright. Back in the drinking days this could be the only thing I wished for

Brae

So today I want to step up this healing process a notch. After seeing his post and thinking about it. Last night I made a list of all of the times that I felt like he had broken my heart. In counseling today I shared this...and realized that I do not want to carry this crap with me. I dont want it to come back to haunt me. So I googled resentment..which also led me to read about forgiveness. I dont know why but I always seem to forget that in order to start the process you have to soften your heart towards the person. Well as I am sure you can read from above posts that I havent exactly been feeling too squishy lol hmmm so....I rewrote my list of heartbreaks adding as much as I could remember about specifics, just to get it all out on paper. Then, I sat and made a list of the things that happened in his life that maybe would have caused him to act in these ways. Alot of it was parental issues, never enough acceptance, control issues, unhealthy boundaries etc etc.
Of course as I was making this list...I could feel my angry shoulders soften. It really is quite sad what he has been through. Then...with much hesitation...I wrote a prayer for both of us. Yupp both of us....The title is Prayers for ------ and I.... It consisted of asking for healing and support during this time, even including a prayer for love for each of us at some point. After I was done I had to reread it a few times. I realized that I do really at my core wish those things for him. Under all the crap, anger, hurt, denial, etc etc. I do still care about him as a human being and I want nothing less for him than I want for myself. Its not easy feeling that way. Of course part of me wants to rear up and call me crazy, but.... I know I will find peace this way. I wont let this scar my heart, I wont limp along, I will thrive, and love freely, and feel the freedom that comes with a forgiving heart.