I am no longer consuming alcohol. Alcohol is now consuming me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 17
I am no longer consuming alcohol. Alcohol is now consuming me.
Hello,
I have been drinking every single night for the last 11 years. I am 30 soon.
I've been obsessed with various addictions on top of that, gambling, then Wow.
My girlfriend of two years has just left me so I feel very fragile and i'm trying to establish what the hell is wrong with me. I don't wake up and need a drink, but after a cup of tea, if I am off work I usually crack on with drinking lager.
I have a good job, I drive to work everyday 'half-cut' and I am well aware of it. I get to work and feel like crap, but because I am in an office sales job I am pretty much left to my own devices, so it's fairly easy for me to keep my head down and drink a lot of coffee.
When I begin drinking I am well aware that I am drinking to get drunk, and for no other reason. I drink alone all the time and my intake is increasing slowly but surely, and I am starting to really dislike myself and feel totally helpless about any possible solution.
I post responses on various sites which I completely forget about unitl I recieve a mail saying someone else has responded.
I recognise I have a problem but due to my online existance I have completely cut all ties with real people (other than work colleagues).
I don't really know where to begin rebullding/fixing myself.
Pains in my sides/chest/arms etc are present at various times, my diet is crap, I am lucky if I manage a single meal per day.
My parents are blissfully unaware of my indulgences, and I know it would really hurt them if they knew the truth.
My memory is completely shot, I can't remember stuff that happened recently and at times it I find it very embarassing.
Hell, I have a list of badstuff that far outweighs the good stuff.
My idea of a night out is to drive 150 miles to see a very good friend and spend an evening sat inside playing PS3 and stuffing coke up my nose. (Once every other month maybe)
All of my vices share one common denominator, and that is alcohol.
I'm just after some friendly words to point me in the right direction I guess. I am not sure I am, or would be committed to stop drinking, if that makes any sense.
Thanks for listening,
Ben
I have been drinking every single night for the last 11 years. I am 30 soon.
I've been obsessed with various addictions on top of that, gambling, then Wow.
My girlfriend of two years has just left me so I feel very fragile and i'm trying to establish what the hell is wrong with me. I don't wake up and need a drink, but after a cup of tea, if I am off work I usually crack on with drinking lager.
I have a good job, I drive to work everyday 'half-cut' and I am well aware of it. I get to work and feel like crap, but because I am in an office sales job I am pretty much left to my own devices, so it's fairly easy for me to keep my head down and drink a lot of coffee.
When I begin drinking I am well aware that I am drinking to get drunk, and for no other reason. I drink alone all the time and my intake is increasing slowly but surely, and I am starting to really dislike myself and feel totally helpless about any possible solution.
I post responses on various sites which I completely forget about unitl I recieve a mail saying someone else has responded.
I recognise I have a problem but due to my online existance I have completely cut all ties with real people (other than work colleagues).
I don't really know where to begin rebullding/fixing myself.
Pains in my sides/chest/arms etc are present at various times, my diet is crap, I am lucky if I manage a single meal per day.
My parents are blissfully unaware of my indulgences, and I know it would really hurt them if they knew the truth.
My memory is completely shot, I can't remember stuff that happened recently and at times it I find it very embarassing.
Hell, I have a list of badstuff that far outweighs the good stuff.
My idea of a night out is to drive 150 miles to see a very good friend and spend an evening sat inside playing PS3 and stuffing coke up my nose. (Once every other month maybe)
All of my vices share one common denominator, and that is alcohol.
I'm just after some friendly words to point me in the right direction I guess. I am not sure I am, or would be committed to stop drinking, if that makes any sense.
Thanks for listening,
Ben
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
Welcome to SR Ben, sounds like you might've come to the right place.
Only you can decide whether you have a problem with alcohol and want to make the commitment to sobriety. From there it might help to have a plan for your recovery. The choice is up to you.
Stick around, keep reading and posting, maybe something will click and you'll decide what you need to do.
Only you can decide whether you have a problem with alcohol and want to make the commitment to sobriety. From there it might help to have a plan for your recovery. The choice is up to you.
Stick around, keep reading and posting, maybe something will click and you'll decide what you need to do.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Hi Ben and Welcome,
If you are ready to stop drinking, you've found a good place to start.
My suggestion is to talk to your dr because it can be dangerous to detox from alcohol.
And, yes, for a little while, alcohol helped me through a tough time, but before I knew it, the alcohol was in complete control of me. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to stop drinking. I hope you take a look around and read and learn.
If you are ready to stop drinking, you've found a good place to start.
My suggestion is to talk to your dr because it can be dangerous to detox from alcohol.
And, yes, for a little while, alcohol helped me through a tough time, but before I knew it, the alcohol was in complete control of me. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to stop drinking. I hope you take a look around and read and learn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 17
I am totally lost, I don't know where to begin.
I want to change but I can't imagine life without drinking.
It's so stupid but that's how I feel.
How do I begin to interact with normal society?
Every avenue seems to ultimately point towards 'meeting up for a drink'.
I want to change but I can't imagine life without drinking.
It's so stupid but that's how I feel.
How do I begin to interact with normal society?
Every avenue seems to ultimately point towards 'meeting up for a drink'.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Thanks Ben. It's good to have you here. SR is a great place to find advice and support. Please keep coming back. I'm pretty sure that any time you start a thread someone will reply to you pretty soon so don't go away too soon.
We're all here for each other, Ben. We're all in different places with our sobriety or non-sobriety. You're bound to find people here to become close friends with provided you give it enough time.
Stay close.
We're all here for each other, Ben. We're all in different places with our sobriety or non-sobriety. You're bound to find people here to become close friends with provided you give it enough time.
Stay close.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Hey Ben,
Dude, you and me are in a very, very similar place. I think we can both applaud ourselves a bit because we can both accept to ourselves that we have pretty big deal of a problem with booze.
I am drinking, heavily, as always, but the difference is that I have been steadily, inch by slow inch, walking towards a solution that I believe now is not in some far flung future anymore but maybe a matter of months or weeks. It began first with going to see a councellor regularly. Even if it doesn't get you close to stopping, the value of talking about this problem with another person, an expert, is irreplacable. The more you talk to someone the more you listen to yourself. You take the internal conversation you keep having with yourself, you know: the really critical, miserable one, and move it outside. You begin to see the holes in your twisted logic and also the wisdom that you thought you'd lost. Does that make sense? I don't know, but it's a good start.
I've learnt so far on my troubled journey towards dealing with my alcoholism, that, for me, taking on the idea of putting alcohol behind you isn't helpful at first. After all, drinking at our level means a day to day existence of fear and panic and shame so why add to the stress with such big ideas as that? Instead, what I'm finding helpful for myself is to talk about it (to councellors, I'm not ready to admit to friends and family yet) and learn (read up, post on here, surf around for info and and for other peoples experiences).
I made a massive kind of step today and took myself (trembling with nervousness) to my first AA meeting. I've just posted about it here if you're interested. It wasn't depressing but very eye-opening and even... reassuring? Dunno, still processing the experience. It's peaked my curiosity. shall we say.
Sorry for going on, man. I wish you well, Ben, and keep posting your thoughts here.
Rich
Dude, you and me are in a very, very similar place. I think we can both applaud ourselves a bit because we can both accept to ourselves that we have pretty big deal of a problem with booze.
I am drinking, heavily, as always, but the difference is that I have been steadily, inch by slow inch, walking towards a solution that I believe now is not in some far flung future anymore but maybe a matter of months or weeks. It began first with going to see a councellor regularly. Even if it doesn't get you close to stopping, the value of talking about this problem with another person, an expert, is irreplacable. The more you talk to someone the more you listen to yourself. You take the internal conversation you keep having with yourself, you know: the really critical, miserable one, and move it outside. You begin to see the holes in your twisted logic and also the wisdom that you thought you'd lost. Does that make sense? I don't know, but it's a good start.
I've learnt so far on my troubled journey towards dealing with my alcoholism, that, for me, taking on the idea of putting alcohol behind you isn't helpful at first. After all, drinking at our level means a day to day existence of fear and panic and shame so why add to the stress with such big ideas as that? Instead, what I'm finding helpful for myself is to talk about it (to councellors, I'm not ready to admit to friends and family yet) and learn (read up, post on here, surf around for info and and for other peoples experiences).
I made a massive kind of step today and took myself (trembling with nervousness) to my first AA meeting. I've just posted about it here if you're interested. It wasn't depressing but very eye-opening and even... reassuring? Dunno, still processing the experience. It's peaked my curiosity. shall we say.
Sorry for going on, man. I wish you well, Ben, and keep posting your thoughts here.
Rich
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
Originally Posted by Hudstar 
I made a massive kind of step today and took myself (trembling with nervousness) to my first AA meeting. I've just posted about it here if you're interested. It wasn't depressing but very eye-opening and even... reassuring? Dunno, still processing the experience. It's peaked my curiosity. shall we say.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Ben
I couldn't imagine life without alcohol either - booze was my accompaniment to everything...first thing in the morning, last thing at night and all stops in between.
But it was killing me - literally.
I took it a day at a time - made a commitment 'I will not drink today' - and started to rack up some sober time that way.
There's more we need to do down the track to make sure we stay stopped, but stopping drinking now is a great first step.
I hope you try it
Focus on today.
D
I couldn't imagine life without alcohol either - booze was my accompaniment to everything...first thing in the morning, last thing at night and all stops in between.
But it was killing me - literally.
I took it a day at a time - made a commitment 'I will not drink today' - and started to rack up some sober time that way.
There's more we need to do down the track to make sure we stay stopped, but stopping drinking now is a great first step.
I hope you try it
Focus on today.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: long island, new york
Posts: 61
keep your head up and listen to these guys, im struggling myself with only 10 days clean, so the only thing i can really tell you that my life is 100000000x better without alcohol, even if im still depressed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Surrey
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Iamscared
Hello,
I have been drinking every single night for the last 11 years. I am 30 soon.
I've been obsessed with various addictions on top of that, gambling, then Wow.
My girlfriend of two years has just left me so I feel very fragile and i'm trying to establish what the hell is wrong with me. I don't wake up and need a drink, but after a cup of tea, if I am off work I usually crack on with drinking lager.
I have a good job, I drive to work everyday 'half-cut' and I am well aware of it. I get to work and feel like crap, but because I am in an office sales job I am pretty much left to my own devices, so it's fairly easy for me to keep my head down and drink a lot of coffee.
When I begin drinking I am well aware that I am drinking to get drunk, and for no other reason. I drink alone all the time and my intake is increasing slowly but surely, and I am starting to really dislike myself and feel totally helpless about any possible solution.
I post responses on various sites which I completely forget about unitl I recieve a mail saying someone else has responded.
I recognise I have a problem but due to my online existance I have completely cut all ties with real people (other than work colleagues).
I don't really know where to begin rebullding/fixing myself.
Pains in my sides/chest/arms etc are present at various times, my diet is crap, I am lucky if I manage a single meal per day.
My parents are blissfully unaware of my indulgences, and I know it would really hurt them if they knew the truth.
My memory is completely shot, I can't remember stuff that happened recently and at times it I find it very embarassing.
Hell, I have a list of badstuff that far outweighs the good stuff.
My idea of a night out is to drive 150 miles to see a very good friend and spend an evening sat inside playing PS3 and stuffing coke up my nose. (Once every other month maybe)
All of my vices share one common denominator, and that is alcohol.
I'm just after some friendly words to point me in the right direction I guess. I am not sure I am, or would be committed to stop drinking, if that makes any sense.
Thanks for listening,
Ben
I have been drinking every single night for the last 11 years. I am 30 soon.
I've been obsessed with various addictions on top of that, gambling, then Wow.
My girlfriend of two years has just left me so I feel very fragile and i'm trying to establish what the hell is wrong with me. I don't wake up and need a drink, but after a cup of tea, if I am off work I usually crack on with drinking lager.
I have a good job, I drive to work everyday 'half-cut' and I am well aware of it. I get to work and feel like crap, but because I am in an office sales job I am pretty much left to my own devices, so it's fairly easy for me to keep my head down and drink a lot of coffee.
When I begin drinking I am well aware that I am drinking to get drunk, and for no other reason. I drink alone all the time and my intake is increasing slowly but surely, and I am starting to really dislike myself and feel totally helpless about any possible solution.
I post responses on various sites which I completely forget about unitl I recieve a mail saying someone else has responded.
I recognise I have a problem but due to my online existance I have completely cut all ties with real people (other than work colleagues).
I don't really know where to begin rebullding/fixing myself.
Pains in my sides/chest/arms etc are present at various times, my diet is crap, I am lucky if I manage a single meal per day.
My parents are blissfully unaware of my indulgences, and I know it would really hurt them if they knew the truth.
My memory is completely shot, I can't remember stuff that happened recently and at times it I find it very embarassing.
Hell, I have a list of badstuff that far outweighs the good stuff.
My idea of a night out is to drive 150 miles to see a very good friend and spend an evening sat inside playing PS3 and stuffing coke up my nose. (Once every other month maybe)
All of my vices share one common denominator, and that is alcohol.
I'm just after some friendly words to point me in the right direction I guess. I am not sure I am, or would be committed to stop drinking, if that makes any sense.
Thanks for listening,
Ben
I was walking to work one day and I think I must have been drinking that morning, either that or I had bad withdrawal and I planning where I was going to get the vodka from, anyway I guess I had a moment of clarity because I just knew I didn't have the strength to fight it like I had done in the past, I knew I had to get help otherwise my life was going to take a serious turn for the worse. I walked into work, told my boss what was going on and told him that he would have to find somebody else because I needed to sort myself out (I have a fairly easy-going boss and I knew It wouldn't be THAT big of a deal for him, he has since re-hired me).
Unfortunately, this did kind of give me carte-blanche to start drinking immediately with no reason to control it, but the next day I called my parents and told them what was going on, they came and picked me up and after a fairly frantic couple of days with me drinking and them being worried sick I found myself in a rehab centre doing a 'classic' 28 day stint.
I haven't looked back, I found out so much about myself and the nature of addiction, and meeting other people with my problem was invaluable. I am now back at work, finding a new place to live, and planning all the amazing stuff that I can do now that I've cut off that ball and chain I was dragging around for so long.
There have been some pretty tough times over the last 5 months but nothing as bad as before, and in general the good times have far outweighed the bad.
So I guess what I'm saying is that if I can do it then I know you can. My advise to you would be tell your parents what is going on, yes it may hurt them a little, but not as much as if you leave it too late and REALLY bad things start to happen. And I think that parents are generally a little tougher then we give them credit for.
If work is an issue go see a doctor, be honest, and he should be able to get you time off work. My friend did that and the doctor gave him month off and put 'depression' on the sick note.
Get to a detox centre, they will prescribe medication that helps the withdrawal symptoms. And then they will wean you off the pills until you are totally sober.
If you can, check into a rehab centre.
If not go to AA, you can get all the same info but it costs next to nothing. There will be alot of talk about God and prayer, but if you don't have religious convictions try to ignore this, the message is in there you just have to pick it out of all the god talk.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 76
Ben,
Know were your at 26 days sober after 10 or more years drinking 10 pints or more a night without fail.
Not to scare you because everybody is different (so i keep hearing) but i have had the blues big time.
Withdrawals have included, sweats, stress, anxiaity, fear, panic attacks, dizzy, pins and needles, tingling legs arms and face, twitching in my eyes, constant pulsating headaches (my worst constent fear of tumor) aches pains.
Been to to doctors had blood tests for Full Blood Count, Liver & Kidney and Sugar Levels, worried my self sick while waiting for results and was convinced that i had a serious liver problem. Told doctors of all my drinking and fears, put evrything down to withdrawals.
Went back a week later and with same same fears and symptoms said the same however advised to go to opticans (that can see things that shouldnt be there by all acounts) so worried for about 2 days about that and had panic attacks about going, went and had new specs but was convinced that he was going to find or say to go back to doctors. even picking up specs the next day was worried they would pull me to a side.
Still today have same fears pulse racing in my head, worried all day every day, but constantly told things will pass in time.
Just as scary was when i worked out the amount of beers on average i was drinking a minimum of 250 per month, 3000 a year or 30000 over 10 years.
Good Luck
Robbo
Know were your at 26 days sober after 10 or more years drinking 10 pints or more a night without fail.
Not to scare you because everybody is different (so i keep hearing) but i have had the blues big time.
Withdrawals have included, sweats, stress, anxiaity, fear, panic attacks, dizzy, pins and needles, tingling legs arms and face, twitching in my eyes, constant pulsating headaches (my worst constent fear of tumor) aches pains.
Been to to doctors had blood tests for Full Blood Count, Liver & Kidney and Sugar Levels, worried my self sick while waiting for results and was convinced that i had a serious liver problem. Told doctors of all my drinking and fears, put evrything down to withdrawals.
Went back a week later and with same same fears and symptoms said the same however advised to go to opticans (that can see things that shouldnt be there by all acounts) so worried for about 2 days about that and had panic attacks about going, went and had new specs but was convinced that he was going to find or say to go back to doctors. even picking up specs the next day was worried they would pull me to a side.
Still today have same fears pulse racing in my head, worried all day every day, but constantly told things will pass in time.
Just as scary was when i worked out the amount of beers on average i was drinking a minimum of 250 per month, 3000 a year or 30000 over 10 years.
Good Luck
Robbo
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Don't let it get to the point where you hit the wall my friend.....I am sitting here on day two wondering if I have a job tomorrow. Catch it before it reaches that point.....it's not a fun place to be. Stand firm.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 17
I felt the same way about drinking, that I could not imagine my life without it. But I knew that if i continued down that path the only way my life would be without booze would be when I'm dead, and death felt pretty close.
If you know that you need some help, you are at the right place! Its helped me and many others, and you'll realize your not alone. Try not drinking for a few nights or a week....I'm sure you'll find it to be tough at first but then realize how much better you feel. Things will fall into place, just give it a go when youre ready!
If you know that you need some help, you are at the right place! Its helped me and many others, and you'll realize your not alone. Try not drinking for a few nights or a week....I'm sure you'll find it to be tough at first but then realize how much better you feel. Things will fall into place, just give it a go when youre ready!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 17
Twice now in the last two weeks I have tried to stop.
Both times I failed on the second day, this day being the second time.
Today was different though, I was concious of my impulses, and my 'addiction' and the relative thoughts I was getting. I gave in, but said to myself; 'right, only 6 cans, and bed by 12am' (GMT)
But now I feel myself slipping away and just 'having one more, it won't hurt.'
I have been to see a Doctor and he says I'm not an alcoholic, I drink because i'm bored.
Cheers for listening, and I shall not give up trying. I visit the site each today and experience various deep emotions whilst reading through others' experiences.
Chin up.
Both times I failed on the second day, this day being the second time.
Today was different though, I was concious of my impulses, and my 'addiction' and the relative thoughts I was getting. I gave in, but said to myself; 'right, only 6 cans, and bed by 12am' (GMT)
But now I feel myself slipping away and just 'having one more, it won't hurt.'
I have been to see a Doctor and he says I'm not an alcoholic, I drink because i'm bored.
Cheers for listening, and I shall not give up trying. I visit the site each today and experience various deep emotions whilst reading through others' experiences.
Chin up.
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