Sigh, fell off the wagon bigtime.....
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Sigh, fell off the wagon bigtime.....
Hi everyone, I've really missed posting here, but probably shouldn't have stopped. After a good and solid 37 straight days of sobriety, I fell off the wagon, bigtime.
A few weekends ago, when my dh and I didn't have our kids with us for the weekend, we decided to go out for Chinese for dinner. Well, I INSISTED I wanted to order a couple of Scorpion bowls, SWORE that I could handle it, and that would be that. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, on every level. That led right back to where I started before I found you all the first time. A few drinks per day (while at home alone, on the sly), then a few more, then cracking one open first thing in the morning (I work from home and oftentimes it's solitary meaning I don't talk on the phone an awful lot, most is PC based work), the usual BS of thinking I can "control" my drinking. Damn it, I can't!!! I'm NOT like other people that can, I NEED to accept that fact or this will never work (living sober).
Why is it so hard to accept that I have a problem with alcohol? It should shock me into NOT drinking by the fact that I am bi-polar and need to take maintenance meds daily for that (and that condition alone is difficult at times), but I am not supposed to drink at ALL with those meds and I know it. It not only negates what they are supposed do to regulate my mood, but it can also result in death. Am I just stupid for playing or what?
Thanks for reading, I have a lot of thinking and planning to do today. I am once again at day one, but I need to attack this with a solid plan. I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, then I gave in once again, and here I am. Sigh. This sucks!!!
I can't believe the control this stuff has over me! I really can't, it's powerful, not just physically (cravings are awful) but mentally. When I'm not drinking, I want to be, when I am, I want it to be more, and when it's more, even THAT's not enough. I'm starting to believe that booze is the devil here on earth for some of us.
A few weekends ago, when my dh and I didn't have our kids with us for the weekend, we decided to go out for Chinese for dinner. Well, I INSISTED I wanted to order a couple of Scorpion bowls, SWORE that I could handle it, and that would be that. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, on every level. That led right back to where I started before I found you all the first time. A few drinks per day (while at home alone, on the sly), then a few more, then cracking one open first thing in the morning (I work from home and oftentimes it's solitary meaning I don't talk on the phone an awful lot, most is PC based work), the usual BS of thinking I can "control" my drinking. Damn it, I can't!!! I'm NOT like other people that can, I NEED to accept that fact or this will never work (living sober).
Why is it so hard to accept that I have a problem with alcohol? It should shock me into NOT drinking by the fact that I am bi-polar and need to take maintenance meds daily for that (and that condition alone is difficult at times), but I am not supposed to drink at ALL with those meds and I know it. It not only negates what they are supposed do to regulate my mood, but it can also result in death. Am I just stupid for playing or what?
Thanks for reading, I have a lot of thinking and planning to do today. I am once again at day one, but I need to attack this with a solid plan. I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, then I gave in once again, and here I am. Sigh. This sucks!!!
I can't believe the control this stuff has over me! I really can't, it's powerful, not just physically (cravings are awful) but mentally. When I'm not drinking, I want to be, when I am, I want it to be more, and when it's more, even THAT's not enough. I'm starting to believe that booze is the devil here on earth for some of us.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"Why is it so hard to accept that I have a problem with alcohol?"
Few of us want to accept it at first... we want to challenge it.
I have a problem controlling my rate of alcohol intake, and I have a problem controlling my rate of descent when I jump off of a tall structure.
I no longer wish to challenge these endeavors. So be it.
Few of us want to accept it at first... we want to challenge it.
I have a problem controlling my rate of alcohol intake, and I have a problem controlling my rate of descent when I jump off of a tall structure.
I no longer wish to challenge these endeavors. So be it.
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Suki
A scorpion bowl is a very potent mix of straight liquors that is served at chinese restaurants. I should have known better! Sigh....they also serve ginger ale and a wide assortment of NON-alcoholic drinks. Live and learn I guess....
Sobriety in technicolor
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 98
"Why is it so hard to accept that I have a problem with alcohol?"
Because you have a disease that is charactorized by severe denial - It tells you that you don't have it.
I had to retrain my thinking... learn to separate the diseased thoughts from MY thoughts. Now anytime that thought comes in, I can say to myself "yep, I am still an alcoholic."
Have you done a thorough first step? I have to carry mine with me sometimes as proof, on paper, that I am not a successful drinker.
Good luck, pray hard, and keep coming back.
Because you have a disease that is charactorized by severe denial - It tells you that you don't have it.
I had to retrain my thinking... learn to separate the diseased thoughts from MY thoughts. Now anytime that thought comes in, I can say to myself "yep, I am still an alcoholic."
Have you done a thorough first step? I have to carry mine with me sometimes as proof, on paper, that I am not a successful drinker.
Good luck, pray hard, and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Would that there were a magic 'recipe" for lasting sobriety. But the one thing I believe with all my heart is that we have to accept that drinking isn't an option for us. Ever. We can't control it. It will never change. Only then, can we move forward.
OK, this may sound a little nuts, but...imagine when you were being "created" by (insert your own belief) and he/she/it said to you..."OK, I'm going to give you these blessings and these limitations. I am here anytime you need me if you have questions, need advice, etc. Now go and live your life". That way of thinking makes me feel that alcoholism is My cross to bear. It could have been cancer, physical disability or whatever. Thank God it is something I can do something about. Kind of takes the self-pity, denial, etc out of it for me and throws me into a state of positive action as well as gratitude that it could be much, much worse.
OK, this may sound a little nuts, but...imagine when you were being "created" by (insert your own belief) and he/she/it said to you..."OK, I'm going to give you these blessings and these limitations. I am here anytime you need me if you have questions, need advice, etc. Now go and live your life". That way of thinking makes me feel that alcoholism is My cross to bear. It could have been cancer, physical disability or whatever. Thank God it is something I can do something about. Kind of takes the self-pity, denial, etc out of it for me and throws me into a state of positive action as well as gratitude that it could be much, much worse.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Newtosoberlivin pick your self up and begin again.
Write down a list of everything you were doing to stay sober on a sheet of paper.
Now grab another sheet of paper and write down everything you see people with long term sobriety doing that you were not doing. Make sure you write down different recovery programs you see people using here.
Okay now you have 2 list, pick at least one thing on the second list, add it to the first list and start doing that.
I can tell you that what it took for me to stay sober was the absolute last thing I wanted to do, I wanted to do it MY WAY!!!! Well after many attempts of doing it MY WAY I finally surrendered to the fact that MY WAY did not work!
Simply not drinking and not changing a single thing about me other then that, left me the exact same person I was while I was drinking even though I was sober!
I had to try something that worked for other people.... a recovery program!!!! AA was strongly suggested to me when I was being detoxed, I did not want to go to AA and I sure did not want to take those steps they had. But I knew my way did not work, I also knew that I was going to lose everything and die if I kept on drinking.
I gave AA an honest try, I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor which is what was suggested to me in detox. Well miracles of miracles, I went to AA, I got a sponsor, I followed suggestions from people who knew how to stay sober, I made real friends, and I stayed sober.
I took the steps of AA and my sanity was restored, I am happier then I have been in well over 30 years and I am free of the bonds of my alcoholism. I have a new solution to life that does not involve alcohol in any way.
Write down a list of everything you were doing to stay sober on a sheet of paper.
Now grab another sheet of paper and write down everything you see people with long term sobriety doing that you were not doing. Make sure you write down different recovery programs you see people using here.
Okay now you have 2 list, pick at least one thing on the second list, add it to the first list and start doing that.
I can tell you that what it took for me to stay sober was the absolute last thing I wanted to do, I wanted to do it MY WAY!!!! Well after many attempts of doing it MY WAY I finally surrendered to the fact that MY WAY did not work!
Simply not drinking and not changing a single thing about me other then that, left me the exact same person I was while I was drinking even though I was sober!
I had to try something that worked for other people.... a recovery program!!!! AA was strongly suggested to me when I was being detoxed, I did not want to go to AA and I sure did not want to take those steps they had. But I knew my way did not work, I also knew that I was going to lose everything and die if I kept on drinking.
I gave AA an honest try, I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor which is what was suggested to me in detox. Well miracles of miracles, I went to AA, I got a sponsor, I followed suggestions from people who knew how to stay sober, I made real friends, and I stayed sober.
I took the steps of AA and my sanity was restored, I am happier then I have been in well over 30 years and I am free of the bonds of my alcoholism. I have a new solution to life that does not involve alcohol in any way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
"""I can't believe the control this stuff has over me! I really can't, it's powerful, not just physically (cravings are awful) but mentally. When I'm not drinking, I want to be, when I am, I want it to be more, and when it's more, even THAT's not enough. I'm starting to believe that booze is the devil here on earth for some of us. """.....
along the lines of what i was saying a while ago..
The allergy......once i commence drinking something happens that doesnt happen in the average temperate drinker..
i am overcome by a craving for more and more and more to blackout or collaspe...i dont remember ever drinking like a normal temperate drinker.
in other words i think 1 or 2 is a waste of time....1 OR 2 IS NEVER ENOUGH.
The mental obssession
while not drinking ....every waking thought was about booze...and planning my next drink........i was convince i didnt want to.
before long the wreckage of my last drunk begins to fade....temperate drinkers come into focus and i get resentful of others.
past experience moves further from my thoughts......before long i cannot bring to mind the last drunk..
i start to think it will be diferent this time.....ill just have 1 or 2 even though i have never ever ever had 1 or 2.
the days comes when i take a drink and the allergy kicks in.
im on the merry go round again and i cant get off.
time and time and time again i did this.
i have a suggestion for you it worked for me and i never pick up booze again.
and i dont intend too
get online and read the letters from doctor silkworth in the big book of alcoholics anonymous......i believe...like me ...you will see yourself and your drinking.
then get to an aa meeting....grab a sponsor and ask them to go through the whole big book with you and complete the steps.
that is my experience......i found a solution in the twelve steps.
god keep you safe............shaun.
along the lines of what i was saying a while ago..
The allergy......once i commence drinking something happens that doesnt happen in the average temperate drinker..
i am overcome by a craving for more and more and more to blackout or collaspe...i dont remember ever drinking like a normal temperate drinker.
in other words i think 1 or 2 is a waste of time....1 OR 2 IS NEVER ENOUGH.
The mental obssession
while not drinking ....every waking thought was about booze...and planning my next drink........i was convince i didnt want to.
before long the wreckage of my last drunk begins to fade....temperate drinkers come into focus and i get resentful of others.
past experience moves further from my thoughts......before long i cannot bring to mind the last drunk..
i start to think it will be diferent this time.....ill just have 1 or 2 even though i have never ever ever had 1 or 2.
the days comes when i take a drink and the allergy kicks in.
im on the merry go round again and i cant get off.
time and time and time again i did this.
i have a suggestion for you it worked for me and i never pick up booze again.
and i dont intend too
get online and read the letters from doctor silkworth in the big book of alcoholics anonymous......i believe...like me ...you will see yourself and your drinking.
then get to an aa meeting....grab a sponsor and ask them to go through the whole big book with you and complete the steps.
that is my experience......i found a solution in the twelve steps.
god keep you safe............shaun.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
((Newtosoberlivin))
"Hi everyone, I've really missed posting here, but probably shouldn't have stopped. After a good and solid 37 straight days of sobriety, I fell off the wagon, bigtime."
Feel U, know that feeling, that all is lost, but it is not.
Ok, today is day one, so what, today is a new start, to a new clean, sober life.
Post everyday. Great advice offered and lots of support.
I have a new addiction....SR; keep on placing one foot in front of the other into, onward, to the right direction. U will get there again.
I'm thankful today and for many, many things in my life, but Thanks SR and all who post, you keep me going.
Stay strong, newtosoberlivin.
"Hi everyone, I've really missed posting here, but probably shouldn't have stopped. After a good and solid 37 straight days of sobriety, I fell off the wagon, bigtime."
Feel U, know that feeling, that all is lost, but it is not.
Ok, today is day one, so what, today is a new start, to a new clean, sober life.
Post everyday. Great advice offered and lots of support.
I have a new addiction....SR; keep on placing one foot in front of the other into, onward, to the right direction. U will get there again.
I'm thankful today and for many, many things in my life, but Thanks SR and all who post, you keep me going.
Stay strong, newtosoberlivin.
Resident grateful guy!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Bloomington, Mn.
Posts: 120
Don't be too hard on yourself. If beating the disease of addiction were easy there wouldn't be a plethora of programs, treatments, detoxes, therapists, forums, etc. Keep in mind that a very small percentage of us get it the 1st time. A lot of us didn't get it the 2nd, 3rd or 10th time. The point is to keep trying. Remember, you're a good person with a bad disease. :praying
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
(((newtosoberlivin)))...It's so darn hard...I know :( But you CAN do this and you WILL. You had a great stretch and you can do it again...only better this time. You know you can't give in to the desire for a Scorpian Bowl next time...you thought *maybe* it would be okay...but it wasn't...you know now. As much as it TOTALLY stinks, you know. No more alcohol. Period. I am on Day 1 (again)...Please come join us in the August thread for daily support when you are ready! :)
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
Relapse, like recovery, is a process. It's not accidental, fate, or destiny. It's often a decision to assume control again thinking it'll be different this time.
Until i came to a point of no longer wanting to run my life according to what the disease told me to do, i was in the grip of a power within myself. i could not break free because i was still relying on self to do for me what it was incapable of doing. This is the part of my insanity that no one else around me had a clue about. "Why can't you just stop on your own?", countless people would ask. The resulting frustration i felt toward myself, for not being able to do what others told me i should be able to do for myself, drove me further into my despair and hopelessness. There was no escape as long as i was only willing to look inside myself for the solution to my very apparent problem.
After coming to a fellowship of recovering alcoholics & addicts, did i start to ask "How do you stay clean & sober?" Many people gave me the straightforward answear that i would have to allow God to do for me what i could not do for myself. Working and living each of the 12 Steps has taught me how simple it is to accept my need for help and to surrender to a power greater than myself. i must adapt my life to this spiritual way of recovery if i hope to stay free from the obsession & compulsion to use. The moment that i start to alter the program to fit my life, i begin a process of running my life on self will all over again. i believe i have been there, done that so much that i would rather just keep moving forward one day at a time.
i hope and pray you make a conscious decision to Let Go and Let God on a daily basis. Welcome back.
Until i came to a point of no longer wanting to run my life according to what the disease told me to do, i was in the grip of a power within myself. i could not break free because i was still relying on self to do for me what it was incapable of doing. This is the part of my insanity that no one else around me had a clue about. "Why can't you just stop on your own?", countless people would ask. The resulting frustration i felt toward myself, for not being able to do what others told me i should be able to do for myself, drove me further into my despair and hopelessness. There was no escape as long as i was only willing to look inside myself for the solution to my very apparent problem.
After coming to a fellowship of recovering alcoholics & addicts, did i start to ask "How do you stay clean & sober?" Many people gave me the straightforward answear that i would have to allow God to do for me what i could not do for myself. Working and living each of the 12 Steps has taught me how simple it is to accept my need for help and to surrender to a power greater than myself. i must adapt my life to this spiritual way of recovery if i hope to stay free from the obsession & compulsion to use. The moment that i start to alter the program to fit my life, i begin a process of running my life on self will all over again. i believe i have been there, done that so much that i would rather just keep moving forward one day at a time.
i hope and pray you make a conscious decision to Let Go and Let God on a daily basis. Welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Most of us needed to be sure that we couldn't drink before we quit. The good news is now you know 
We have all had the thought "I can have just one, look at everyone else having a few" only to realize that one was just the gateway to an awful place.
Remember this slip & your thought process as you believed you could have a drink so the next time an opportunity to drink presents itself you will be prepared to fight off the scorpions (drinks), dragons & demons.
Take Care,
NB
We have all had the thought "I can have just one, look at everyone else having a few" only to realize that one was just the gateway to an awful place.
Remember this slip & your thought process as you believed you could have a drink so the next time an opportunity to drink presents itself you will be prepared to fight off the scorpions (drinks), dragons & demons.
Take Care,
NB
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Thank you to all of you!!!
I love love these boards and all of you, truly!!!! It's so nice to not be judged, but to be supported, and picked up even when you stumble or fall. I am inspired to truly "work" this again, that was my problem, i stopped working at it actively, and that was my biggest downfall. When I stopped working as hard at staying sober as I had been at drinking, that's when it all unravelled for me.
So now that I know that, I intend to start the work all over again, twice as hard this time. DAMN, I still can't believe I actually reached 37 days the first time, that's the longest I have ever gone (besides when I was pregnant for my daughter, of course, during which period I didnt' touch a drop, for obvious reasons). But I was pregnant ten years ago!!!! If I could reach that long the first go around, then hell, I KNOW I can stay away from it much, much longer, hopefully forever, this time. I just need to start again, once again, for ME, and only for ME.
Thanks to all of you, hugs and prayers!
So now that I know that, I intend to start the work all over again, twice as hard this time. DAMN, I still can't believe I actually reached 37 days the first time, that's the longest I have ever gone (besides when I was pregnant for my daughter, of course, during which period I didnt' touch a drop, for obvious reasons). But I was pregnant ten years ago!!!! If I could reach that long the first go around, then hell, I KNOW I can stay away from it much, much longer, hopefully forever, this time. I just need to start again, once again, for ME, and only for ME.
Thanks to all of you, hugs and prayers!
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