I Hate Myself
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by tyler 
Meetings, meetings, meetings, never helped me much. I could see where maybe a wise sponsor could possibly help, but who would want to spend that much time on me?
And I agree. Meetings will not keep a real alcoholic sober. I look around this forum heartsick at the number of people dying in the middle of AA. Meetings all around and little message of recovery.
Tyler, you can start this process today. I drunkenly called a guy who I didn't like much, but who I believed knew how to work the AA program. He talked about having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. He talked about that being the only hope for an alcoholic like me.
Within a couple of months of working through the book with him, I too had experienced some kind of spiritual awakening. I had recovered. I haven't had a drink for a long time, and it started the day I started taking the steps with that guy.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Thanks again for all the wonderful responses. I think I'm going to take a ride to the ocean. It always helps me clear my head. I haven't taken atvantaage of the fact that it's only about an hour and a half away instead of the 1000 miles it's been for the last 5 years.
I received a book from 1 Day@a Time, one of the longtime members here on the boards, called "Love is Letting Go of Fear." He generously offered to send it to me when I mentioned I was out of work and didn't really have much extra money. I plan on reading it this evening. Sounds like it may address many of the issues I'm going through now.
I'm going to do a memory upgrade on my computer now, so hopefully I won't screw it up and will be able to get back on line!! Thanks again. Take care all.
I received a book from 1 Day@a Time, one of the longtime members here on the boards, called "Love is Letting Go of Fear." He generously offered to send it to me when I mentioned I was out of work and didn't really have much extra money. I plan on reading it this evening. Sounds like it may address many of the issues I'm going through now.
I'm going to do a memory upgrade on my computer now, so hopefully I won't screw it up and will be able to get back on line!! Thanks again. Take care all.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,603
Hi Tyler,
I'm glad to hear you are searching for a therapist. I hated myself too, really hated myself and it's been a long, ongoing process to get past that and to begin to like myself. I had a lot of childhood issues too, and I agree with you, that it doesn't work to sweep them under the carpet. They need to be dealt with and using a therapist is a great idea.
Going to the ocean is a fabulous idea! I hope it makes you feel better.
Enjoy the new book, what a great gift!
I'm glad to hear you are searching for a therapist. I hated myself too, really hated myself and it's been a long, ongoing process to get past that and to begin to like myself. I had a lot of childhood issues too, and I agree with you, that it doesn't work to sweep them under the carpet. They need to be dealt with and using a therapist is a great idea.
Going to the ocean is a fabulous idea! I hope it makes you feel better.
Enjoy the new book, what a great gift!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: long island, new york
Posts: 61
I feel your pain man im in the same boat and only a few days clean, keep your head up and if you cant get sober for yourself right now do it for your kid till you can, i believe in you.
p.s. guns n roses rocks !
p.s. guns n roses rocks !
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 34
The hating myself every morning when I wake up and say.... "Why?! Why do I drink every day?" Then starting over again first thing in the morning... That is what is keeping me from drinking every hour. I am tired of feeling like a loser for being out of control. My love and empathy goes out to you Tyler.
T.
T.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Well, I didn't quite make it to the beach, but I did take a nice walk along the Pamlico sound in New Bern. I walked around the downtown area for awhile, had an ice cream cone, a Pepsi at the drugstore where it was invented, and walked over to the park on the sound. It was a beautiful afternoon. Warm, but not too humid, unusual for July around here.
I'll make it to the beach on Monday when I go visit my son. He loves the beach and only lives about 5 min away. I'm going down on Sunday and I might get there a bit early and take a walk before all the "tourists" show up. LOL, I guess I'm a tourist now. Lived there so long I still "feel" like a local!!
Thanks again to everyone for all the heartfelt replies, some have made me cry, but in a good way. I never used to cry, but I guess that's because I never used to feel, good or bad. This getting used to feeling thing is tough. I've read that your emotional "maturity" level stagnates from when you start to use. For me, that would make me a 40 year old with the emotional maturity of a 19 year old, which actually feels about right. I've got a lot of growing to do, that's for sure.
I'll make it to the beach on Monday when I go visit my son. He loves the beach and only lives about 5 min away. I'm going down on Sunday and I might get there a bit early and take a walk before all the "tourists" show up. LOL, I guess I'm a tourist now. Lived there so long I still "feel" like a local!!
Thanks again to everyone for all the heartfelt replies, some have made me cry, but in a good way. I never used to cry, but I guess that's because I never used to feel, good or bad. This getting used to feeling thing is tough. I've read that your emotional "maturity" level stagnates from when you start to use. For me, that would make me a 40 year old with the emotional maturity of a 19 year old, which actually feels about right. I've got a lot of growing to do, that's for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 34
How are you doing today, Tyler? Sounds like you had a nice afternoon. 
Enjoy your visit to the beach with your son. God bless you... you are in my thoughts.
T.
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
Enjoy your visit to the beach with your son. God bless you... you are in my thoughts.T.
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I'm doing better today. I've reached out for help from someone on these boards (a big step for me!!) and think that will help in the long run. I'm trying to stay in the moment, realize things may suck at the moment, but at the same time there is a lot of good stuff going on too. Why concentrate on the bad and make myself miserable, right??
Planning on a quiet 4th. Don't really care about fireworks, and I don't like crowds, so I'll probably kick it around the house and try to get to bed at a decent hour so I can get on the road a bit early tomorrow. I'd like to take a walk by myself on the beach before I go see my son. It really helps to clear my head. Hopefully if I get there early enough it won't be too crowded. The ocean is a very spiritual place for me. I can't think of a better place to spend a Sunday morning.
Hope everyone else is doing well. I know holidaze can be hard for some. Myself, I'm out of work at the moment so every day is a holiday...sort of!!! Thanks all, take care.
Planning on a quiet 4th. Don't really care about fireworks, and I don't like crowds, so I'll probably kick it around the house and try to get to bed at a decent hour so I can get on the road a bit early tomorrow. I'd like to take a walk by myself on the beach before I go see my son. It really helps to clear my head. Hopefully if I get there early enough it won't be too crowded. The ocean is a very spiritual place for me. I can't think of a better place to spend a Sunday morning.
Hope everyone else is doing well. I know holidaze can be hard for some. Myself, I'm out of work at the moment so every day is a holiday...sort of!!! Thanks all, take care.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
It's about 2 hrs for me, which is much better than the 20 hrs it's been for the last 5 years. I'll keep a good thought for you when I'm there tomorrow!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,645
I'm really happy today to see the progress you're making, tyler. My heart goes out to you. It's so true that our emotional growth is stunted when we anesthetize our feelings with booze. That was one of the hardest things, growing up and facing the real world. Funny, it's nowhere near as horrible or scary as I led myself to believe.....who knew?
Thinking of you and sending love your way - it's great down there, hope you have a serene and hope-filled time.
Thinking of you and sending love your way - it's great down there, hope you have a serene and hope-filled time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by tyler
To be honest, I'm scared. I have some things that happened to me in my childhood that have contributed to a lot of my "issues" over the years. A lot of "blocked" or partial memories that haunt me at night.
I don't know why I find it so hard to reach out for help, maybe part of it is that I feel I deserve to suffer, as messed up as that sounds.
I've had various psychological diagnosis over the years ranging from chronic depression (pretty much a no brainer) to bi-polar and several others I don't really remember.
I've had various psychological diagnosis over the years ranging from chronic depression (pretty much a no brainer) to bi-polar and several others I don't really remember.
It's getting from knowing to doing where I always stumble.
I KNOW lots about recovery. I DO very little, other than read and post here, and read various literature I have. I have major trust issues. I've never had many friends, but instead had many "aquaintences". From the outside, usually it looks like I'm great, but the only person I've ever allowed myself to be close to is my ex-wife, and even with her, I kept a lot of stuff from her. Sometimes I feel like I just have so much **** built up inside I will just explode or vomit a stream of darkness until I am completly empty.
I KNOW lots about recovery. I DO very little, other than read and post here, and read various literature I have. I have major trust issues. I've never had many friends, but instead had many "aquaintences". From the outside, usually it looks like I'm great, but the only person I've ever allowed myself to be close to is my ex-wife, and even with her, I kept a lot of stuff from her. Sometimes I feel like I just have so much **** built up inside I will just explode or vomit a stream of darkness until I am completly empty.
I too have trouble asking for help and then DOING. I've posted a couple of times here and got great advice; but moving forward, acting on that advice, is another story. I was sober for 3 years (years ago). I KNOW what I should be doing.
I am currently abstinent from alcohol but not 'recovering' and not clean. I have a pain condition that does require medication at the moment but I soon began abusing the medication and am now addicted to it. I hate myself for letting me get to this point. I had a therapist but she stopped our sessions because I wasn't able to share with her. I'm working on that here at SR and hope to try again.
I hope you are able to find someone you can trust and feel comfortable working through the issues that keep haunting you. You deserve to like/love yourself and your son deserves to have his Dad in his life.
Hope you got to walk the beach this morning and are having a great day with your son.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maumee, OH
Posts: 68
Hi Tyler,
I hope you're feeling better today. I loved the beach when I was there. I've only seen the ocean on one trip and it was the most amazing experience. I remember looking out at the waves and thinking about how long that coast had been there. And suddenly I felt very small. But that was comforting somehow.
Yeah, I had problems, but they really weren't monumental. I knew my life was such a tiny part of the amount of time out there. I mean long after I'm gone, that coast and that ocean will still be there and most people looking at the same waves won't even know that I existed.
So I realized life is short. Why be so miserable for it? Granted, that epiphany lasted for all of two seconds, but it was a pretty powerful two seconds.
I hope you find some peace of mind and the belief that life is worth every second of happiness you find. I also hope that revelation sticks with you longer than it did with me.
I hope you're feeling better today. I loved the beach when I was there. I've only seen the ocean on one trip and it was the most amazing experience. I remember looking out at the waves and thinking about how long that coast had been there. And suddenly I felt very small. But that was comforting somehow.
Yeah, I had problems, but they really weren't monumental. I knew my life was such a tiny part of the amount of time out there. I mean long after I'm gone, that coast and that ocean will still be there and most people looking at the same waves won't even know that I existed.
So I realized life is short. Why be so miserable for it? Granted, that epiphany lasted for all of two seconds, but it was a pretty powerful two seconds.
I hope you find some peace of mind and the belief that life is worth every second of happiness you find. I also hope that revelation sticks with you longer than it did with me.
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