I Hate Myself
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I Hate Myself
Here I go again. Hitting the bottle. I've always said pot is my big problem and if I could buy it legally it probably would be more. I'm ok for a week, a couple weeks, a few days, but I just end up the same way. Wanna escape. I know it's just temporary, but I want that escape hatch.
Didn't get the job today. Is drinking going to make it better? For the moment, I guess so. Tomorrow, I'll go back to hating myself again, not like I'm loving myself now, just not feeling at all. I want to be there for my son, but I know I can't if I'm like this. He's only 8 and already has anxiety issues. Got it from both his mamma and me, and me not being around probably hasn't helped. I really thought when I tried to kill myself that I was doing the best thing for everyone. It's been 5 years now, but I felt like, sure it would hurt for awhile, but at least I wouldn't keep on disapointing for a lifetime. I often wonder if I had it right then, but then I hold my son and look in his eyes and know I have to do better, but still I fail.
Meetings, meetings, meetings, never helped me much. I could see where maybe a wise sponsor could possibly help, but who would want to spend that much time on me? I've been to literally hundereds of meetings. They really don't help me. I truly wish they did. I can see the wisdom in working the steps, but the meetings, have always ended in relapse. I know, making excuses on why it doesn't work instead of "working it". If meetings help you, I am glad, but they really don't help me. I need to get with a theripist, I've got insurance that will even pay for it, but I JUST ******* HATE MYSELF!!
**** IT
Didn't get the job today. Is drinking going to make it better? For the moment, I guess so. Tomorrow, I'll go back to hating myself again, not like I'm loving myself now, just not feeling at all. I want to be there for my son, but I know I can't if I'm like this. He's only 8 and already has anxiety issues. Got it from both his mamma and me, and me not being around probably hasn't helped. I really thought when I tried to kill myself that I was doing the best thing for everyone. It's been 5 years now, but I felt like, sure it would hurt for awhile, but at least I wouldn't keep on disapointing for a lifetime. I often wonder if I had it right then, but then I hold my son and look in his eyes and know I have to do better, but still I fail.
Meetings, meetings, meetings, never helped me much. I could see where maybe a wise sponsor could possibly help, but who would want to spend that much time on me? I've been to literally hundereds of meetings. They really don't help me. I truly wish they did. I can see the wisdom in working the steps, but the meetings, have always ended in relapse. I know, making excuses on why it doesn't work instead of "working it". If meetings help you, I am glad, but they really don't help me. I need to get with a theripist, I've got insurance that will even pay for it, but I JUST ******* HATE MYSELF!!
**** IT
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I know all about that self-hatred.
For now, get some rest.
Get a sponsor, work the steps, & find a therapist. Even begin tomorrow (I started my stepwork with a sponsor when I was only a few hours sober).
For me, the best approach is to address alcoholism with urgency. Once you start moving forward, the self-hatred goes away (really, it's just an illusion - you are an alcoholic that needs help, nothing to hate yourself over).
You can beat this. Take care.
For now, get some rest.
Get a sponsor, work the steps, & find a therapist. Even begin tomorrow (I started my stepwork with a sponsor when I was only a few hours sober).
For me, the best approach is to address alcoholism with urgency. Once you start moving forward, the self-hatred goes away (really, it's just an illusion - you are an alcoholic that needs help, nothing to hate yourself over).
You can beat this. Take care.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
I have done the AA route and ended up in relapse as well. I had difficulty getting a sponsor and the meetings were inconsistent (although still valuable). The last (near death) relapse forced me to get into a more structured program for the first time and correct all of the things I wasn't doing before. I am about halfway through (90 days sober next week) a 22 week Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and I am very pleased with the results so far. It includes a weekly 1hr long counciling with a professional thearapist, regular medical exam and doctor visits, weekly group thearapy under direction of thearapist, and prescription Naltrexone to mitigate craving and obsessive thinking. Insurance covered 80%. Good luck finding a program that is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: 45 degrees latitude
Posts: 129
Tyler,
I have the whole day off tomorrow - if you feel like chatting, I'd be happy to give you a number where you can reach me. My personality aside, my job has made me a great listener (I answer questions all day from people charged with criminal offenses - they are usually lost, not knowing what their first step should be, and somehow wind up at my number) and I've been commended dozens of times from the people I help as being polite, sincere, and genuinely helpful. I'd be happy to lend you my ear for five minutes, or even an hour. Just do it! Why not? The worst that could happen is that you'll feel awkward or embarrassed for a little while after the call. You've got nothing to lose! I'm sure even hearing a live voice from this support forum would be a nice, maybe even fun, change of pace.
PM me if you're interested. I should've been asleep already tonight; but I'll be up after 10am CST tomorrow!
Meanwhile, take care!
I have the whole day off tomorrow - if you feel like chatting, I'd be happy to give you a number where you can reach me. My personality aside, my job has made me a great listener (I answer questions all day from people charged with criminal offenses - they are usually lost, not knowing what their first step should be, and somehow wind up at my number) and I've been commended dozens of times from the people I help as being polite, sincere, and genuinely helpful. I'd be happy to lend you my ear for five minutes, or even an hour. Just do it! Why not? The worst that could happen is that you'll feel awkward or embarrassed for a little while after the call. You've got nothing to lose! I'm sure even hearing a live voice from this support forum would be a nice, maybe even fun, change of pace.
PM me if you're interested. I should've been asleep already tonight; but I'll be up after 10am CST tomorrow!
Meanwhile, take care!
Last edited by waterfountain; 07-02-2009 at 10:06 PM. Reason: grammar check (doh!) - yeah, going to bed now
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry Tyler - I hated myself too.
I drank because I didn't know what else to do, even though I'd long since lost the buzz. It was *something*
But there are better somethings to do. You *know* this, man.
Drinking or using is like reopening that old wound - it's at best a holding pattern, at worst a endless spiral where every drink or drug just makes us hate ourselves more...which leads back to the bottle or the bag of weed or the pill.
You're just feeding the beast, Tyler.
The only way to stop the cycle is...to stop.
If AA hasn't worked for you, try Life Ring, SMART, CBT, counselling...if you've tried all those, try something else...or go back and try them again.
Do a different 'something', mate.
I'm sorry about your job - but what what I've seen of you on SR? it's their loss, dude. Punishing and harming yourself is not the healthy response here. Kick some video butt
Don't give up - you're worth it. We all are
D
I drank because I didn't know what else to do, even though I'd long since lost the buzz. It was *something*
But there are better somethings to do. You *know* this, man.
Drinking or using is like reopening that old wound - it's at best a holding pattern, at worst a endless spiral where every drink or drug just makes us hate ourselves more...which leads back to the bottle or the bag of weed or the pill.
You're just feeding the beast, Tyler.
The only way to stop the cycle is...to stop.
If AA hasn't worked for you, try Life Ring, SMART, CBT, counselling...if you've tried all those, try something else...or go back and try them again.
Do a different 'something', mate.
I'm sorry about your job - but what what I've seen of you on SR? it's their loss, dude. Punishing and harming yourself is not the healthy response here. Kick some video butt
Don't give up - you're worth it. We all are
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hi Tyler,
Try not to overthink it. A therapist might be a great idea.I know it helped me.I don't do A.A but I know it works well for many people and good for them really but it's not for everyone either.Just do whatever you need to, to change this for you.
I've read some of your posts here and you strike me as an intelligent person who isn't unaware of what's going on with you.This current stuff is just the alcohol talking.You're better than that.
I wish you well,
Jules xox
Try not to overthink it. A therapist might be a great idea.I know it helped me.I don't do A.A but I know it works well for many people and good for them really but it's not for everyone either.Just do whatever you need to, to change this for you.
I've read some of your posts here and you strike me as an intelligent person who isn't unaware of what's going on with you.This current stuff is just the alcohol talking.You're better than that.
I wish you well,
Jules xox
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Sorry to know you are having a difficult time.
The National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service available at 1-800-662-HELP. This service can provide you with information about treatment programs in your local community and allow you to speak with someone about alcohol problems
Hopeline-dot-com has free 1-800 line that will connect any caller in the US who needs help to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The number is:
1- 800-784-2433
Hopeline-dot-com has free 1-800 line that will connect any caller in the US who needs help to a certified crisis center nearest the caller's location. Services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The number is:
1- 800-784-2433
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hi Tyler,
I have read your posts here, and you seem to be an incredibly compassionate, intelligent person.
You have been given great advice, so I am not going to repeat it, but I will share with you that in a few weeks time, the adoption of my neice will be final and she will be my daughter. You guessed it....my brother and his wife gave up their kids for alcohol and drugs. Speaking from what I've seen, THERE IS NO WAY, NO WAY, that your son is better off without you in his life, especially if the little guy has some anxiety issues going on. NO WAY HE IS BETTER OFF!
You have to get sober for you and one of the many rewards will be a better life for you and the little guy.
Pick yourself up and get to that therapist! Come on now! You CAN do this!!
Jomey
I have read your posts here, and you seem to be an incredibly compassionate, intelligent person.
You have been given great advice, so I am not going to repeat it, but I will share with you that in a few weeks time, the adoption of my neice will be final and she will be my daughter. You guessed it....my brother and his wife gave up their kids for alcohol and drugs. Speaking from what I've seen, THERE IS NO WAY, NO WAY, that your son is better off without you in his life, especially if the little guy has some anxiety issues going on. NO WAY HE IS BETTER OFF!
You have to get sober for you and one of the many rewards will be a better life for you and the little guy.
Pick yourself up and get to that therapist! Come on now! You CAN do this!!
Jomey
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"Meetings, meetings, meetings, never helped me much. I could see where maybe a wise sponsor could possibly help, but who would want to spend that much time on me? I've been to literally hundereds of meetings. They really don't help me. I truly wish they did. I can see the wisdom in working the steps, but the meetings, have always ended in relapse. I know, making excuses on why it doesn't work instead of "working it"..."
It all starts with YOU.
No sponsor? No working the steps? The meetings always ended in relapse?
I used to go to all of my classes in college, but I failed the classes. The fact that I didn't do anything in class never occurred to me as a problem...
Read the last line "I know, making excuses on why it doesn't work instead of "working it" and start MAKING IT HAPPEN... hating yourself isn't going to fix it, is it?
Start doing what the program suggests, and THEN explain how/why it doesn't work?
Keep coming back.
It all starts with YOU.
No sponsor? No working the steps? The meetings always ended in relapse?
I used to go to all of my classes in college, but I failed the classes. The fact that I didn't do anything in class never occurred to me as a problem...
Read the last line "I know, making excuses on why it doesn't work instead of "working it" and start MAKING IT HAPPEN... hating yourself isn't going to fix it, is it?
Start doing what the program suggests, and THEN explain how/why it doesn't work?
Keep coming back.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 111
Tyler, glad to see you back on here. I have no special advice but just wanted to offer you my support. You can do it. Reach into your tool box and see what will help. I'm about to do my first online counseling session. Stay close to SR.
Laura
Laura
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
When I got sober, I tried meetings, books, trying it all by myself.. etc.. I found the most help with an individual therapist.. I don't know if it was the therapy, or just coming to a place internally where I wanted sobriety more than I wanted anything else. Whatever it was, doesn't matter to me. Try everything!
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
I did the hating myself thing, too. A lot....and the only ones that it hurt, were my kids.
I'm glad you are getting your act together while your son is young. Be his role model. You, as his dad, are the only one who has the ability to do this. Tough....hell yes!
Because this is about YOU. You can do this....but how bad do you want it? Yeah....you're going to have to change your life...but you know what...it is so worth it....every sober moment.
What a gift Waterfountain has given you. I hope you jump on it with both feet.
I'm glad you are getting your act together while your son is young. Be his role model. You, as his dad, are the only one who has the ability to do this. Tough....hell yes!
Because this is about YOU. You can do this....but how bad do you want it? Yeah....you're going to have to change your life...but you know what...it is so worth it....every sober moment.
What a gift Waterfountain has given you. I hope you jump on it with both feet.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Thanks for all the kind words and advice. I'm going to try to find a theripist today. To be honest, I'm scared. I have some things that happened to me in my childhood that have contributed to a lot of my "issues" over the years. A lot of "blocked" or partial memories that haunt me at night. The night is the only time I ever drink, I know it's just pure escapism. I can just pass out and not have to worry about not having a job, the probality that my actions have not only ****** up my life but had a major negative inpact on my son, that gnawing hatred of myself that always creeps up at night, I can just close my eyes and drift away.
I've been doing pretty good about not drinking, this was only the second time in a month. I know that is 2 times too many, but a major imporvement on what had become almost a nightly habbit. I don't know why I find it so hard to reach out for help, maybe part of it is that I feel I deserve to suffer, as messed up as that sounds.
I've had various psychological diagnosis over the years ranging from chronic depression (pretty much a no brainer) to bi-polar and several others I don't really remember. It was always hard for the doctor to really make a fair diagnosis because I used to smoke pot literally 24/7. It's been almost 2 months now since I've smoked, so I know now would be a good time to finally try to get a realistic diagnosis and therpy to deal with my issues. It's getting from knowing to doing where I always stumble.
I KNOW lots about recovery. I DO very little, other than read and post here, and read various literature I have. I have major trust issues. I've never had many friends, but instead had many "aquaintences". From the outside, usually it looks like I'm great, but the only person I've ever allowed myself to be close to is my ex-wife, and even with her, I kept a lot of stuff from her. Sometimes I feel like I just have so much **** built up inside I will just explode or vomit a stream of darkness until I am completly empty.
I will comitt to making the calls to find a theripist today. At least, hopefully, it will be a step in the right direction. I apologize for my drunkaloge, I had promised myself I wouldn't pollute these boards with drunken ramblings, but I suppose I'm not the first to do that.
Thanks for all the adivice and support. Waterfountain, I appreciate your offer and will keep it in mind. Hope everyone is doing better than me today, that's setting the bar kinda low. Take care.
I've been doing pretty good about not drinking, this was only the second time in a month. I know that is 2 times too many, but a major imporvement on what had become almost a nightly habbit. I don't know why I find it so hard to reach out for help, maybe part of it is that I feel I deserve to suffer, as messed up as that sounds.
I've had various psychological diagnosis over the years ranging from chronic depression (pretty much a no brainer) to bi-polar and several others I don't really remember. It was always hard for the doctor to really make a fair diagnosis because I used to smoke pot literally 24/7. It's been almost 2 months now since I've smoked, so I know now would be a good time to finally try to get a realistic diagnosis and therpy to deal with my issues. It's getting from knowing to doing where I always stumble.
I KNOW lots about recovery. I DO very little, other than read and post here, and read various literature I have. I have major trust issues. I've never had many friends, but instead had many "aquaintences". From the outside, usually it looks like I'm great, but the only person I've ever allowed myself to be close to is my ex-wife, and even with her, I kept a lot of stuff from her. Sometimes I feel like I just have so much **** built up inside I will just explode or vomit a stream of darkness until I am completly empty.
I will comitt to making the calls to find a theripist today. At least, hopefully, it will be a step in the right direction. I apologize for my drunkaloge, I had promised myself I wouldn't pollute these boards with drunken ramblings, but I suppose I'm not the first to do that.
Thanks for all the adivice and support. Waterfountain, I appreciate your offer and will keep it in mind. Hope everyone is doing better than me today, that's setting the bar kinda low. Take care.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Hang in there, Tyler. Do what you know you need to do. You're one of my favorite posters here and I enjoy reading your offerings. You can do this. Use that insurance and get the help you need and deserve. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
You do deserve help Tyler. Glad you committed to calling a therapist today....you know the old saying, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. You are taking that first step! WAY TO GO!!!!! Stay close...we are here to help....because you are one of us....a worthwhile, extremely valuable individual who is making his way towards sobriety and recovery.
Take good care of yourself,
Jomey
Take good care of yourself,
Jomey
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: 45 degrees latitude
Posts: 129
Tyler,
I'm awake now! I'll be checking in here periodically, so feel free to message anytime if you feel up to it.
I wish you the best of luck in your search for a therapist. There is certainly the problem of overchoice in that category; and it's also a huge leap, since it's impossible to predict what kind of presence the person you end up seeing will project. I had a great therapist when I was a teen - 1st one I ever went to (pure luck on that one). As an adult, I'm currently trying out my third; I've stayed with her the longest so far (since April) but I'm still not sure if she's "the therapist for me" or not yet. And it is certainly all about trust - what good is continuing to go and speak with someone if you hold back? I'm still holding back some from this woman, so even though it's been a few months, I'm still not sure I'll continue with her.
And there's nothing wrong with that Every therapist I've encountered understands the trust issue, and some will even go to the lengths of helping you find a new person during your session, should you not feel fully comfortable with them.
I'll be around. Get super-hydrated and get some potassium in you! Take care Tyler!
I'm awake now!
I'll be checking in here periodically, so feel free to message anytime if you feel up to it.I wish you the best of luck in your search for a therapist. There is certainly the problem of overchoice in that category; and it's also a huge leap, since it's impossible to predict what kind of presence the person you end up seeing will project. I had a great therapist when I was a teen - 1st one I ever went to (pure luck on that one). As an adult, I'm currently trying out my third; I've stayed with her the longest so far (since April) but I'm still not sure if she's "the therapist for me" or not yet. And it is certainly all about trust - what good is continuing to go and speak with someone if you hold back? I'm still holding back some from this woman, so even though it's been a few months, I'm still not sure I'll continue with her.
And there's nothing wrong with that
Every therapist I've encountered understands the trust issue, and some will even go to the lengths of helping you find a new person during your session, should you not feel fully comfortable with them.I'll be around. Get super-hydrated and get some potassium in you! Take care Tyler!
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Well the theripist idea seemed like a good one, but being tomorrow is the 4th, most offices as well as my insurance is closed for the holiday. Going down to see my son on Sunday & Monday, so I guess I'll try agian on Tuesday.
Thanks for all the support. Think I'll take a nap.
Thanks for all the support. Think I'll take a nap.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
wow tyler...thanks for your post
I really appreciate your honesty about AA and having lots of aquaintences and few/no friends. I have exactly that in AA. I've been thinking that i've been improving and getting more involved and I guess I have, but still I have no so called long term friends in AA that I hang out with now and then on a regular basis, outside of AA....like for a meal or something
anyway my sons' name is tyler and a few years ago when he was around 11 to 13 years ago he wanted to die, and was thinking about killing himself and hated himself. underneath it all is and was FEAR. your subject and your name here on this site made me think of him.
but this is about you and your topic here, but i just wanted to share that if it's worth anything to you as well.
if you are able to pursue therapy on monday and then get started that could be helpful. i know it's very helpful for me.....but nothing in itself is the answer for me. but i love my therapist ... she's a good one.....I had another good one in the 90's .... there are many out there who are not as good....so if your first one works that will be great....if not then try another one immediately is my sugestion
hang in there and keep up the good work
I really appreciate your honesty about AA and having lots of aquaintences and few/no friends. I have exactly that in AA. I've been thinking that i've been improving and getting more involved and I guess I have, but still I have no so called long term friends in AA that I hang out with now and then on a regular basis, outside of AA....like for a meal or something
anyway my sons' name is tyler and a few years ago when he was around 11 to 13 years ago he wanted to die, and was thinking about killing himself and hated himself. underneath it all is and was FEAR. your subject and your name here on this site made me think of him.
but this is about you and your topic here, but i just wanted to share that if it's worth anything to you as well.
if you are able to pursue therapy on monday and then get started that could be helpful. i know it's very helpful for me.....but nothing in itself is the answer for me. but i love my therapist ... she's a good one.....I had another good one in the 90's .... there are many out there who are not as good....so if your first one works that will be great....if not then try another one immediately is my sugestion
hang in there and keep up the good work
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