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Old 04-05-2009, 12:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Always Being Right


I realized last week that I like to be right. No, I need to be right. In a way it is what I am good at, or so I think. I have always been smart, that has always been the one thing in my life that has been fail-safe and I have had unwavering confidence about. It has brought me through the best schools with ease. But the need goes farther I think. It is sort of infectious and in everything because it is sort of my safe zone I strive for being "right". And even if it is not apparent, it is a feeling that I internally go for, this feeling of superiority, like well I know better than, so it is okay.

The problem is sometimes, often times, there is no right, and more importantly there is no race. And that this incessant need of mine to be right, when I realized this need, I got really sad, because I realized that it cut me off from people, and I am not even sure exactly how, but instead of connecting with people I am more concerned with figuring out how to be right.

Last night, at a party, I was watching this girl who always had to be right and I saw how abrasive and unnecessary the quality was. Also I saw how much energy it took on her part. I was like, crap, this is who I am, although I hope I hide the abrasiveness better, and then I hope I am more right. Ugh, but it is so hard to let go of patterns of being, because I am left with what do I put in the place and change is scary. Oh, and I felt in the moment of realizing this like a horrible person for having lived my life this way.
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Old 04-05-2009, 12:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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There isnt anything wrong with wanting to be right. But how you go about it and what your motives for doing it should be considered.
If your just trying to one up everybody. Then I would rather be wrong.
Or just keep it to yourself.
No need to dumb down. Just dont do it out of arrogance.
Smart is good. But dont make others feel stupid while doing it.
Everything looks different from the outside in.
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Old 04-05-2009, 12:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I have the same tendency, and I believe it borders on a personality flaw at times as well><
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Old 04-05-2009, 12:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
The problem is sometimes, often times, there is no right, and more importantly there is no race.
I think realising this is a move forward, even if the realisation of the need to be right trait has depressed you, it means you can now change.....to a more relaxed version of yourself.
I have a terrible need to correct people when I think they are "wrong", lol. Like it really matters.
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Old 04-05-2009, 01:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I got married to a wonderful man and being right seemed to be less of an issue.

Today I just want to be happy. My counselor said, "you can either be happy or right." Even if I know I am right I would rather be happy. Over the years the people who really matter to me respect the times I am right because I readily admit when I'm wrong or when I don't know what the heck is going on.

I love the fact that I don't have to be perfect. When I'm wrong I admit it. Life is so much easier today.
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Old 04-05-2009, 01:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I haven't had to struggle with the need to be right because I instinctively believe I am inferior. Hence: dumb, stupid, ignorant, lost, missing the point, etc.

Same problem, other side of the coin.

What finally helped me was the realization that everything deserves its due. If I place all my priorities and efforts in one big heap (I'm dead on right or I'm dead wrong) I am the furtherest away from the actual truth that I can be.

The truth almost always includes many facets. The best course of action is almost always an incorporation of many things.

I have the thought "Give everything its due" run through my mind frequently. And it helps me remember to search for all the little nooks and crannies, the sublties, the things I am forgetting to give weight to. It helps me hang onto the valuable truth that balance is where "right" lies.

It helps me see that when my sister is making rude assumptions about me, when my aunt is caught talking trash about me, when my son is angry and yelling at me - that the perspectives of these people who I could so easily think are WRONG come from a place that holds some truth for them. It does not make them empirically right or wrong. Nor does it make me a big idiot and deserving of scorn.

As an alcoholic, this kind of thinking was almost impossible for me while I was drinking. Thankfully, I find it more and more possible the deeper I get into sobriety.

Because it sucks to always be a loser. Probably just as much as it sucks to have to always be right.
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Old 04-05-2009, 01:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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the need to be right (all the time)is not good for alcoholics,it destroys more than it helps

I have a book,named,The 7 Deadly Needs by Edward Bear

good common sense reading

in it,one of the 7 Deadly Needs is the need to be right
if I have the need to be right,and we are discussing something,then what does that make you?
wrong
at best,different...at worst inferior...
the need to be right all the time comes with a price
whats the price?
peace,serenity,being a part of-- because the need to be right separates.......
what do we have to prove to each other or to ourselves?

2 people look at the same penny from different angles
one person looks at it from the side and says it looks oblong
one person looks at it from above and says it looks round
who is right and who is wrong?
both are right
to me,if I have the need to be right all the time,it sends in into a selfish area where i cannot have true friendship,fellowship with others or have a good deep peace with myself





Because it sucks to always be a loser. Probably just as much as it sucks to have to always be right.

absolutely,they may even feed off themselves
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Last edited by Tommyh; 04-05-2009 at 02:16 PM.
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Old 04-05-2009, 03:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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bballad- your post made a lot of sense. I might have to check out that book.

After I realized all this last week, I was reading Tolle (I really don't want to become one of those people who continually refers to this man— I have some aversion to him, I don't know why, even though I so far identify with many concepts in his book, it might have something to do with the cult surrounding him and the fact that when I went to his website it costs like one million dollars for a ticket to see him speak) and low and behold he had a section too on this being right theme.

I definitely think it must come from a place of insecurity. I like this line form bballad:

Quote:
to me,if I have the need to be right all the time,it sends in into a selfish area where i cannot have true friendship,fellowship with others or have a good deep peace with myself
Okay, now I intellectually understand this, the problem is getting it to internalize. But first things first.
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Old 04-05-2009, 03:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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wanting to be right is admirable - needing to be is less so I reckon.
I'm still working on keeping my big yap shut too

D
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I now don't drink. I got that right,that's for sure!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 04-05-2009, 10:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sfgirl View Post
I realized last week that I like to be right. No, I need to be right. In a way it is what I am good at, or so I think. I have always been smart, that has always been the one thing in my life that has been fail-safe and I have had unwavering confidence about. It has brought me through the best schools with ease. But the need goes farther I think. It is sort of infectious and in everything because it is sort of my safe zone I strive for being "right". And even if it is not apparent, it is a feeling that I internally go for, this feeling of superiority, like well I know better than, so it is okay.

The problem is sometimes, often times, there is no right, and more importantly there is no race. And that this incessant need of mine to be right, when I realized this need, I got really sad, because I realized that it cut me off from people, and I am not even sure exactly how, but instead of connecting with people I am more concerned with figuring out how to be right.

Last night, at a party, I was watching this girl who always had to be right and I saw how abrasive and unnecessary the quality was. Also I saw how much energy it took on her part. I was like, crap, this is who I am, although I hope I hide the abrasiveness better, and then I hope I am more right. Ugh, but it is so hard to let go of patterns of being, because I am left with what do I put in the place and change is scary. Oh, and I felt in the moment of realizing this like a horrible person for having lived my life this way.
My father thinks that he needs to always be right. If someone doesnt agree with him he raises his voice and starts arguing. It has alienated him from the folks that he acts that way to. The other people he just fakes it and kisses their ass because he needs SOME friends. It really messed me up as a kid and continues to do so.
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Old 04-05-2009, 10:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sfgirl View Post
I realized last week that I like to be right. No, I need to be right. In a way it is what I am good at, or so I think. I have always been smart, that has always been the one thing in my life that has been fail-safe and I have had unwavering confidence about. It has brought me through the best schools with ease. But the need goes farther I think. It is sort of infectious and in everything because it is sort of my safe zone I strive for being "right". And even if it is not apparent, it is a feeling that I internally go for, this feeling of superiority, like well I know better than, so it is okay.

The problem is sometimes, often times, there is no right, and more importantly there is no race. And that this incessant need of mine to be right, when I realized this need, I got really sad, because I realized that it cut me off from people, and I am not even sure exactly how, but instead of connecting with people I am more concerned with figuring out how to be right.

Last night, at a party, I was watching this girl who always had to be right and I saw how abrasive and unnecessary the quality was. Also I saw how much energy it took on her part. I was like, crap, this is who I am, although I hope I hide the abrasiveness better, and then I hope I am more right. Ugh, but it is so hard to let go of patterns of being, because I am left with what do I put in the place and change is scary. Oh, and I felt in the moment of realizing this like a horrible person for having lived my life this way.
Ughh, My father is also like this. So much so that I remember the family bought his a T shirt that said on the front,

I AM ALWAYS RIGHT

on the back it said,

EVEN WHEN I'M WRONG
I'M RIGHT

cause he really believed that.

he would argue you or anyone to the ground.

He argued with me about things like whose house I stayed the night at,
it wasn't Jennifers it was Jessicas? HU?
Until I ended up in tears and "I Lied" to shut him the hell up, okay your right.

It's funny cause I go both ways I will either be completely the opposite so much that people get irritated with me, cause I don't care whose right or wrong, but they want my opinion, lol, and I'm like Ohh,

Or sometime I will catch myself arguing or saying, No that's not right,
and then I hear it and I'll be like OOHhh I'm sorry.

One thing that stops me in my tracks is
Do you want to be right or happy..

I have noticed what stops an argument in its tracks is I say,
Okay your right....... People like to be right,
and in a sense they are....
We both are.......

One book that helped me a lot was
How to win friends and influence people,

My first manager gave it to me, I used to have such
a hard time dealing with people...


It's good you recognize about being right, I am so
thank ful I can see it when I do it.. (usually anyway) lol
It becomes so not important, I think once we
notice it.

My Dad, he's still right, lol, and I'm still wrong.....
*shrugs*......



:ghug
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Old 04-05-2009, 10:48 PM   #13 (permalink)
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The "need" to be right is more common than we think, but will soften for most of us through life, due to the multitude of mistakes we make along the way. It is admirable in certain situations, however it is necessary to choose our battles wisely. If we try to exhibit this character trait while dealing with unimportant issues, we lessen the effect of our argument and appear abrasive, which lessens the respect we garner.

By the way, I think I'm right about all this, lol.
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Old 04-05-2009, 10:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Done_With_It View Post
Ughh, My father is also like this. So much so that I remember the family bought his a T shirt that said on the front,

I AM ALWAYS RIGHT

on the back it said,

EVEN WHEN I'M WRONG
I'M RIGHT

cause he really believed that.

he would argue you or anyone to the ground.

He argued with me about things like whose house I stayed the night at,
it wasn't Jennifers it was Jessicas? HU?
Until I ended up in tears and "I Lied" to shut him the hell up, okay your right.

It's funny cause I go both ways I will either be completely the opposite so much that people get irritated with me, cause I don't care whose right or wrong, but they want my opinion, lol, and I'm like Ohh,

Or sometime I will catch myself arguing or saying, No that's not right,
and then I hear it and I'll be like OOHhh I'm sorry.

One thing that stops me in my tracks is
Do you want to be right or happy..

I have noticed what stops an argument in its tracks is I say,
Okay your right....... People like to be right,
and in a sense they are....
We both are.......

One book that helped me a lot was
How to win friends and influence people,

My first manager gave it to me, I used to have such
a hard time dealing with people...


It's good you recognize about being right, I am so
thank ful I can see it when I do it.. (usually anyway) lol
It becomes so not important, I think once we
notice it.

My Dad, he's still right, lol, and I'm still wrong.....
*shrugs*......



:ghug


Does he put you down? Is he verbally abusive?
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Old 04-05-2009, 11:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by TheShallot View Post
Does he put you down? Is he verbally abusive?
We aren't so close anymore, he got remarried, and they are right about everything, I became the wicked stepchild, the "cinderella" of the
story if you so shall say. There's another sister who is in teh picture.

We used to be close, he had a bit of a temper... wouldn't say verbally
abusive, dunno how to describe my Dad, he's always right is
how I always think of him. That can be a scary thing sometimes.....
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Old 04-05-2009, 11:09 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sfgirl View Post
I was like, crap, this is who I am,
Ahh sweetie that's not 'who' you are, that's one of your
personality traits.
We all have good ones... and ones that don't appeal to us anymore

I think that is the great thing about recovery we learn things about
us that we decide we want to change.

It's great that you are at a place in your life where you are getting
to know yourself well enough to see what you like and what you
want to do better?

:ghug2
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Old 04-05-2009, 11:17 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Sorry about this DWI..

I wouldn't handle that too well. Not at all.

You know..sometimes I think I'm so sweet..yeah, ..but I have a temper. How many

times have I heard my mom say.."Sherry..you just have to run a thing into the ground."

Me? I usually don't realize I've been pushing a point to a limit, which amounts to getting

my way, like a spoilt child. lol Although I hate it at the time..good for her!
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Old 04-06-2009, 01:41 AM   #18 (permalink)
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around these parts we call it...

Right Fighting!

and the comback line we get,

"Do you wanna be right, or happy!

oh that pride and ego! drat!
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Old 04-06-2009, 03:37 AM   #19 (permalink)
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there's a difference in the meaning of the word, right

it's one thing to try and "do the next right thing"

but it's quite another when I think that I know how something works, and when i get all bent out of shape when someone else doesn't know, when someone else is talking wrong about a subject..

and it's not just that admit it !! most people will engage in an argument about whether or not something is riight in their opinion.

I am carilng less and less about putting my two cents in, in order to make my claims about rightn ess. I like to listen sometimes, a nd just let people say what they say...their truth for the moment. I do not have to comment or even judge withiln my mind. I can honor their path, and honor my own path as well.

great post...thanks for givilng me a moment to explore these things in my minds this morning. it has certailnly helped me feel alive and feel like i'm on the right track this morning.
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Old 04-06-2009, 04:15 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Don't be dissin the Tolle! LOL
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