Originally Posted by sfgirl

I realized last week that I like to be right. No, I need to be right. In a way it is what I am good at, or so I think. I have always been smart, that has always been the one thing in my life that has been fail-safe and I have had unwavering confidence about. It has brought me through the best schools with ease. But the need goes farther I think. It is sort of infectious and in everything because it is sort of my safe zone I strive for being "right". And even if it is not apparent, it is a feeling that I internally go for, this feeling of superiority, like well I know better than, so it is okay.

The problem is sometimes, often times, there is no right, and more importantly there is no race. And that this incessant need of mine to be right, when I realized this need, I got really sad, because I realized that it cut me off from people, and I am not even sure exactly how, but instead of connecting with people I am more concerned with figuring out how to be right.

Last night, at a party, I was watching this girl who always had to be right and I saw how abrasive and unnecessary the quality was. Also I saw how much energy it took on her part. I was like, crap, this is who I am, although I hope I hide the abrasiveness better, and then I hope I am more right. Ugh, but it is so hard to let go of patterns of being, because I am left with what do I put in the place and change is scary. Oh, and I felt in the moment of realizing this like a horrible person for having lived my life this way.