Dee74

thanks all - a better day

I heard from a home care organisation - they're gonna come out and assess me next week - and at least give me a few pointers on what I need to do from here...

got news of some other jobs in the future that look good too, so even tho I've had a migraine and it's blowing a gale here, I still feel good

D

Hevyn

That's a relief, Dee - a ray of hope.

Tazman53

Well Dee things are kind of looking up........ Hey at least they did not all tell you where to go!!!! LOL

IO Storm

Great news D...

Dee74

so I got home help today. Carers really.

They'll drop in weekly - help me with stuff around here cleaning wise, they'll drive me around locally (not to physio tho - noone seems to want to do that kind of a trip...so I need to look at reassigning myself to a local hospital)...

I declined the psych referral. I answered honestly - sometimes I do despair, sometimes I do feel hopeless or frustrated - but I think everybody does.

I try always not to let all that rule me. It's always an option if I, or my home help, think I need it.

As a kinda trade off for not doing that, I agreed to referrals for speech pathology (even though I've done every course under the sun) and - god help me - even a podiatrist. I guess it's true it was taking me 45 mins to try and clip my toenails.

So I should feel happy - I'm getting somewhere.

I don't.

I'm alternating between the bleakness of defeat and an insoluble bubbling anger.

It's pretty much like when I gave up drinking really - I didn't want to, I wanted to manage my way, my rules - but I knew I just couldn't anymore.

And that made me mad - furious really. That was the biggest struggle of my early recovery, because what I used to do when I was angry was...drink.

That's not an option...not these days.

So just like the drinking thing and those early days of recovery I guess I have to sit tight and work through this, listen to other people and admit that maybe I don't have all the answers, all the time...maybe I have to do stuff I don't wanna - for my own good?

Time to join the rest of the human race I guess hey? LOL

Sometimes, acceptance is a b****.

There's not really a question here - it was either post this or keep snapping at my gf (sadly yes I'm not always nice, and that just makes me madder at myself because she just doesn't deserve it...)

I really do appreciate all the support I get here.

Doing these kinds of posts make me mad too - I feel so self indulgent - but I don't know of any better way right now to let some of this go....and I need to....so thanks for reading...again

D

laurie6781

Dee I am glad you are getting some help (care givers) in. I know right now you are probably feeling more inadequate than ever, I know I sure did, but you will come to appreciate them, honest.

I finally agreed about a year ago and it really has been so much help, after I got over my INTERNAL TEMPER TANTRUM, rofl. What was taking me all day to just vacuum my home, because I would have to sit down every five minutes or fall down, my wonderful lady comes in, 3 times a week, and she zips through it all in about an hour. Since I have dogs my house could get 'real hairy' lol otherwise.

She helps me with shower, makes sure I am steady on my shower chair and then stays near by in case I need her (no more falling in the shower). She goes with me when I shop which is a great help (she pushes the regular cart and I can ride in the cart with the smaller basket).

She changes my bed. Now this used to take me over an hour to do, and she does it in about 10 minutes.

Now instead of feeling inadequate, I feel more adequate in the things I can still do, ie I find I can do more cooking now (I'm eating more healthy) because I am not so exhausted from doing the vacuuming or changing a bed, etc.

I am allowed 28 hours a week and am only using about 12 to 14, so the hours I don't use go into sort of a bank for hours ............................ then should I get real sick or need someone here 24/7, for a while I will have built up the hours. I like that part of our health care here.

This will be good for you. Honest. So rant and rave about it now. Get it out of your system, and pretty soon you'll see the positive side of it and feel better about yourself.

The hardest thing for me to accept is "Help" of any kind. Guess there is still a bunch of ego that I have to work on, lol But I m getting better, bit by bit at ACCEPTING help.

I will say an extra little prayer to my HP for you, and send good thoughts and wishes Down Under for you.

Love and hugs,

Dee74

Since I wrote that I've had a heart to heart with my SO...found out she had some stuff going on I didn't bother to ask into before, mainly because I was so preoccupied with being annoyed.

Then I came back here and read Lauries post.

Sometimes I'm a doofus.

This is a good thing (the home help, not me being a doofus).

I've had a good thing - the latest in a long line - happen to me.
I should remember that.

Sometimes I need to step out of myself to see the wider implications, and to cut down on my 'headcrap'.

Thanks Laurie - everything you said resonated - the vaccuming, the making the bed, the tiredness, feeling inadequate....thanks so much

D

Aysha

You know Dee..For awhile there I was starting to wonder if you were human.
Seriously.
I hate to see you feeling like this. But its good to know you can whine and b*** and moan like the rest of us.
You know I am just bustin your chops.
I like what laurie said.
It may be frustrating now. But in time. You will get use to it and learn to appreciate it.
You will see how it will help you to help yourself more.
Your not giving up your independence. Your gaining more freedom if you ask me.
I am so happy you found some help. And I am proud of you for making it happen. Even tho you didnt really want to do it.
You still did it.
Acceptance is huge. And you are doing that.
You may not be real happy about it at the moment. But your smart enough to know when you need something..You need it.
Youll feel differently after while. Hang in there.
And rant all day if you have to.
Hell youve read plenty of mine. Your good for a few. LOL

desertdonna

Lots of wisdom from Chy and Laurie. Glad you are able to vent, pi$$ and moan, and more than glad that you've taken these steps, Dee. You'll get used to it, and it will free you up for more important endeavors.

Your gf sounds like a great lady.

Onwards and upwards, mate.

Much love,

:ghug3

Donna

parentrecovers

glad you're able to get the help, dee. everybody needs a little help now and then. i'm sure you'll continue to find ways to give it all back to others. it's an even steven

(i still want to come put flower boxes on the front of your beach house - under those front windows. please see if there are any resources available to us for that little project)

RobbyRobot

yeah, time to join up LOL!

Speaking not just to Dee now, seriously though, chronic disability is no laughing matter. i would know, LOL. now having said that, having a good belly laugh at our own situation is a wonderful tonic, and a surety for having a good day. i enjoy the simple tensions between sadness and happiness. the contrasts. the paradoxes. its a blessing.

Anger. Even furious anger. yeah, i've been there enough times to be shamed and confused by my own difficulties with being a "disabled person" in a world of "normals". now, having said that, "normals" don't really exist as flesh n blood persons of course, its all really just an ideal being normal and no more or less a simple state of being in the moment.

and chronically disabled persons dont have any special claims to fame about wanting to be a part of it all and contribue to society. All good persons want to give no matter their own life experiences, and more so, some life experiences situate some persons into a people, place, and things scene that giving onto others is much more than a normal act of giving.

Rich people giving is not the same as poor people giving. LOL. again, i would know. i've been on both sides of those tracks. a dollar from a poor person who also just gave away their days dinner is not the same as a rich person giving a thousand dollars away, and then having pizza orderd in to satisfy their own physical hunger. again... i would know, been on both sides of that too. i'm not pullin' anyones chain here. i'm just sayin' i have been...

it is a simple truth that the best givers make poor takers. i dunno why really, but speaking for myself, i chalk it up to my experiences with having been in my past days, a selfish and self-centerd person. its not really much of a discovery though since its quite normal to have those experiences in any persons life.

what is abnormal is wanting to be a generous giver and a gracious receiver all at the same time. that takes dedication and skills, and those same successful experiences to be able to manage them into a daily life. so in a nutshell, i find my own past selfishness and self-centerdness [and naturally other peoples] gets in the way of my success at giving and receiving to and from others.

Dee, nothing i'm saying here do you not already know from your own life, and i have total empathy for the series of events you have now begun in your life by accepting a kind of help from others that you yourself cannot in your turn do on to others in that same exact manner. happens to me each day everyday all days. it takes successful experiences living with that reality to make a life from it that is well lived. it simply will not happen without re-inventing your life. hahaha... i would know.... sheesh, let me tell you.... LOL... anyways, there are many ways to give back onto others, as you totally know already!

the best tip i can give you is just keep accepting yourself in having the new life that is coming your way from all different directions at the same time. don't try and fit all these new things into the old life you said you have when you started this thread, as there'll be no joy found in that attempt.

All things have a season, and you'll find i hope as i did with these same life struggles, that the more things change, the more they stay the same. meaning that all the goodness of you and the you that is you will not be changed and lost, my friend. No, the Dee that you are will be even more the Dee that you can be, and you and all of us will be the better for it. Its your life changing Dee, ride those changes like the true surfer you are my man, you'll have that board of truth between you and those deep ocean waves, and its all your own ride brother, its all your ride. You've earned it, mate.

i'm leaving this post unfinished because there is no finish to it, really. life is what it is, and at the end of the day we are all givers and receivers one onto the other in our daily lives. We are all rich, and we are all poor, albeit in different ways of course, but each of us in our own ways are both.

i have said in this thread in a earlier post that i sent a pm to Dee, with a tangible offer. Dee has accepted that same offer and as the months go on Dee and i [and some others] will keep you guys up-to-date. in the meantime, both Dee and i have agreed that it helps no one at this moment to share what we're really up to together. LOL -- nothing short of world domination -- hahaha...

any ways, again i'm letting the thread know that Dee really is reaching out and accepting all kinds of help from everywhere, [like you already know] and also on top of the good things Dee is saying, some other things are being setup too, which ultimately will help our Dee to help others in a more structured and professional manner. Something that totally enables his gifts to be given to a much larger audience.

In 2010 a new website will be born into the WWW. No details at this time please. So far only Dee and i, and our respective families, know about our business venture. what we do already know is that membership will be free to one and all from all walks of life. again no details asked please. these things take time and tremendous efforts to setup and properly get going. plans change often, and so details at this stage are not helpful to anyone. But it is a sure thing regardless, and all funding is absolutely not a problem, lol. Dee and i are not a problem, we are good to go, and we will find our way through it together. the challenge is just getting it up and running and that is already underway, and so not a problem there either. its just gonna take some time is all. and we have plenty of that too...

well, like i mentioned to Dee in a pm the other day, we'll have to find a way to mention this good news in the thread... and i've already said to much, perhaps, but then again i've not nearly said enough. paradox. heh. Rock On !!

RobbyRobot

Rella927

Laurie that is awesome share there sweets as always! Glad that you have found the help that you need!

Dee :val004:

Glad that you are taking help from others! I do believe that all of us on these boards A's/Non A's whatever have you has always had that problem of "taking" as we are care givers and having the help given to us is a numb feeling!

I have not learned that 100% yet that it is ok to have help given but, something I have been working on!

Keep venting Dee that is what we are here for to listen and to help one another (If you like or NOT!)

Keep moving forward you are doing fine! on the cheek

Love ya Dee Dee

And love that idea that Ma K has...I bet it could be done! (I'm sure there is someone that can HELP with that K) *wink*

laurie6781

Thank you. But I have to say I fought against it for several years. Little did I realize how much I was 'cheating' myself.

Now, because of the confidence, this gal has given me, and I am not 'tiring' myself out so bad on the 'harder' chores, I have the time to be with my fur babies. I can and do take them to the river so they can run. I am out in the yard with them, true sometimes I am sitting and throwing their toys, lol but they bring them back.

In all honesty, since I got the 'help' I fought so hard against, my life is MUCH BETTER, and I am sure yours will be too Dee. By accepting the help, getting a little stablization by a hand on my elbow, or a hand to help me out of a chair, etc has really opened up my eyes and given me the strength and ENERGY to do the things I enjoy. Not only on this site, but another 2 sites also. And I am on the phone ALL the time sharing with those who need it.

My life, even with my disabilities is really GOOD today.

I am excited about your 'new' project Dee and Robby and if there is anything I can do to 'help' send me a PM. lol

Love and hugs,

Impurrfect

(((Dee)))

I'm glad you are getting some assistance, but I do understand the feelings of "I DON'T WANT TO NEED IT!!!!" I've always hated asking for help...seen it as a sign of weakness. It's only been in recovery that I've learned that it's NOT a weakness, it's doing what needs to be done. That doesn't mean I don't still resist saying "I need help" but at least I don't feel guilty for as long as I used to

I love what Laurie posted. As with any change, most of us go into it kicking and screaming, knowing it's a good thing (in our heads) but not comfortable with it. Somewhere, along the way, we realize "hmmm, this isn't so bad after all", and eventually we are grateful for the change.

I'm also excited that you and Robby are planning something together. Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be a success with the 2 of you behind it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

IO Storm

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I am so glad...for everything I've read today. So very glad.

Warmest hugs..and continued thoughts and prayers, dearest.

(You know I don't quit on a thing.. lol)

Love,

Sher

least

Hoping this is a good day for you Dee.:ghug3 Glad you are finally getting some help.

Dee74

Thanks to all - I feel better today.

Not only cos I thought stuff through, but cos life goes on and I've realised how much I have to do this week, that I've been putting off LOL.

And all this carer stuff is so I can do more

Still don't like it LOL but I'm getting towards OK with it

thanks again all
D

gypsytears

Been busy Dee but I have been thinking of you. I was depressed earlier over not getting a teaching opp but checking in here, catching up on your situation puts things in perspective for me. That perspective is; I wish I had a fraction of yours. Love you .

cmc

Dee...you sound good, bro.

Dee74

I am good cmc
Still working my way through this but I am good.

I have an ongoing proofreading job on with a Tuesday deadline tho, so if I'm not around too much, it's just that - nothing sinister LOL

thanks again for all the support. I've really been dipping into the support bank lately LOL, but you guys always come up trumps.

I'm grateful. Thanks.
D