Dee74

I'm not going to drink. I'm really not.

I know now that drinking solves nothing - in fact it would certainly make things worse.

I miss the respite it used to give me, or seemed to give me, sure - but I lost that...way before the end....- so whatever the answer is, drinkings not it.

But I just don't know how to deal with the stress of being me right now.

so..most of you know - I have cerebral palsy.

These days I can barely walk to the neighbourhood shop and back.
I can barely afford the taxis I need, or the home delivered groceries I want (convenience is great, the prices less so.)

I'm in constant pain lately, at a level which I'm not used to, and I'm driving myself and (I fear) my partner insane.

Ok, so moneys the least worrisome.

I'm working on a job, but it's a work in progress - it's coming through in installments.
I'm not going to see that finished and me paid for it for 6-8 weeks at least.

I've survived on nothing before; I can do it again.

I'm worried about my gf too tho - she's having her own hassles with making ends meet, and I can't help - I can't give her what I haven't got.
That doesn't make it any easier to accept tho.

It's other things as well. I have physio and hydrotherapy lined up - but because it's in the big city I can't get there more often than not.

I often can't (physically can't) manage the journey of getting to the bus, getting off the other end, getting on another bus, getting off and walking to my appointment....and doing the trip in reverse, after exhaustring myself in therapy, is worse.

So the times I really need it, are the very times I can't get there. Great.

Taxi would be prohibitive - I asked once - at least $100 - more like $120-130. I've never had that kind of money LOL.

I have an application for a half fare taxi scheme, but I need to get photos and get things signed, and that means getting places, which means taxis, which means money...ugh.

It like one big Catch 22 at the moment - I can't get access to the things I need to make my life better, because I need to be better in order to access them.

:wtf2

Truth be told tho - I've been putting off a lot of things like that, things I need to look into about asking for help, for a long time.

I don't want to do it, even now.
I want to be independent, I want to solve my own problems.

I don't want to be me, getting worse - but I don't want to have to live like this either.

Obviously I need to swallow my pride and say 'you know what? I do my best? but it's no longer good enough on my own. I need help here.'

Through no fault of my own, I have this body and I need to look the problem in the eye and just - deal with it.
I need to redefine what independence is for me I guess.

• I need to find out about hospital transport - I need to sign up for the half price taxi fares.
• I need to find out about home help
• I need to find a better doctor, one who gives a crap.
• I need to see a doctor, any dr, about this numbness in my arms and tightness in the chest, and shortness of breath after walking that I've been ignoring lately too. It may be easily explained, sure, but I need to deal with it

I have the best partner in the world - ever.

She helps - a lot...more than words can say. I've never had a partner before for whom my disability really doesn't matter....at all.

She's the best support I could be given.

But she has her own kids, and struggling business to run too. I want to give to her, not take....

I'm glad I'm sober, cos I reckon I'd never get through this if I wasn't....

but OMG its damned tiring always having to be responsible, always having to deal with stuff, always being an adult.

I see now why people falter at this recovery thing. It's hard.

I'm not sure I fully appreciated it before - I think I do now.


told you it was long
D

paulmh

Tell me about it..

Constructive use of the "rant" method there Dee, gold star. And joking aside, wish there was something really useful I could say. You're making a good fist of a bad hand...

stone

I know you are fiercely independent Dee but yes, you do need to do that. Like you said, it's not your fault, it's not weakness on your part.
I admire you Dee, I am not sure I could cope at all. Manly

Aysha

Oh Dee..If I could. I would help you do anything you needed.

You said it right there. Swallow that pride. You obviously need help doing certain things or your just not going to get anywhere with what you need to do.
I know its hard to ask for help. And I cant imagine what its like to have a disability. And I am sure that does make it that much more frustrating.
But your a great person that has done so much good for yourself already.
Getting and staying sober being the biggest and most admirable of them all.
Your very lucky to have a woman who is so understanding and caring.
I am sure she wouldnt want anything less than to help you when you need it.
Your list there. Its a few things. Its not like you have a book full of chores really.
Its things you need done for your health and well being.
Thisngs that will help you help yourself.
Asking for help with things like that is not really swallowing your pride.
Theres people without a disability that need help with things like that too.
Work on one thing at a time if you can. Ask for help with it Dee. Then when its taken care of. You can go back to being Mr independant.
Your not going to get better or get relief by being stubborn my friend.
The sooner you get help. The sooner you can help yourself and possibly your GF if thats what you want.
I know you know all this already.
And it just feels good to vent. I know it helps me a great deal.
This is serious stuff here. Open that mouth. Your always so honest and willing to give your support here. Let someone do the same for you.
And I have so much respect for you in how you handle yourself and how you have fought for your recovery. You will never lose that in asking for a little help. Not from me or anyone else.
I hope you get things done somehow.
Your sober and kickin a$$ in recovery. So enjoy it the best you can. Pain free and as worry free as you can.
I am thinking of you.

Tazman53

Vent away my friend, venting helps us all mentally, just getting it out!!!

It took me years to realize that I could not do it all alone with out help, I certanely could not have stayed sober without help, I find that help in many places and in many ways as well.

Since I have gotten sober some of the greatest help I get is in helping others, one of the things I really like to do is give people rides that need them, not only to meetings, but to the store or work as well. I had a very difficault time asking for help early on, it was not until I discovered that by allowing other people to help me that I was helping them as well!

Dee one of the things I like the most about you is how open minded you are and just how helpful you are to others, I know it is probably not easy to see right now, but if you simply picked up the phone and asked someone in AA for a ride you might be surprised at just how much help you would be to the person helping you.

I know you feel good when you help others, let some one else feel good helping you, they will expect nothing in return, I know I would not.

What is SR all about? One alcoholic or addict helping another alcoholic or addict out and expecting nothing in return. AA is no different.

Dee I am not in any way pushing AA on you, I hope you know that, I am just suggesting an avenue that could help you and some one else.

Dee you give a great deal away, you can give someone else a chance to give something awat as well and you will both come out as winners.

least

It hurts me to see a friend in pain, any kind of pain. Makes me wish we weren't so far away. I understand your frustration completely. Governmental services are grossly inadequate. God I wish we were neighbors. I'd gladly assist you in these things. Since I can't 'do' anything to help you, I'm sending hugs and prayers and good thoughts.:ghug3 I'm really glad you have a loving girlfriend. Give her a hug for me, please.:ghug3

Dee74

Thanks all - I feel better for venting LOL

Thanks especially to Sandy - you must have taken some time to do that and I appreciate it so much

I'd seen the advocacy website before but not the others - the community transport looks exactly what I need, both for getting to hospital and for the shopping...but the email I fired off tonight bounced LOL.

Now I know such a thing exists tho, I'll chase it up (I have to wonder why my Dr or my occupational therapist haven't mentioned it...)

I dunno about AA Taz - I'm sure I'd get help but I'd kinda feel a little funny as I'm not in AA, don't plan to be, and this isn't a problem related to my alcoholism.

I'm also a bit of a way out of town now, like Sandy (rents drove me out)...it's an hour drive each way, and that's without traffic.

I'm hoping the community transport thing comes through.

and yeah least hugs will be administered

thanks again - you guys are great
night all

D

Rusty Zipper

aunt tillie's sending out some good vibes for you aunt dee!

stone

I am glad you feel a bit better for the vent Dee.

Kudos to Sandy for the excellent help too.

Horselover

Wow Dee. I am so sorry you have been going through all this. I am glad there was someone like Sandy that could offer some real solutions. I am sure we all want to help you because you have ALWAYS found a way to help us. Come to America. We'll take care of you. Your girlfriend and her kids are of course welcome in that package, but I "guess" since money is so tight that may not be an option. This is when the internet is so frustrating. I feel like I know you and that we have become friends, but then you can only offer so much from this distance. I will offer up my prayers for you today Mr. Dee. I am so glad you are a part of this board.

Anna

Dee,

You always inspire me, always.

You are dealing with the reality of your CP and you're doing the very best you can.

I do hope that Sandy's info helps and that you can find some kind lower cost transport to get around.

Sending lots of hugs your way.

Rella927

Dee

Kudos to Sandy!

Independent! Yup here too and it stinks when we have to drop the tough guy attitude that we can do this on our own and actually look at all avenues for help!

It has been stated time and time again on these boards what an amazing person you are Dee and how muh you have given not only to SR but in your life to others. I know I feel at times when I have to take help from others I feel a bit inadequate but, it is not true! It took me a long time to realize that if the help is there and offered then I need to take it. It would not be given if it was not from the heart-as I had done so many times in my life. I know I know still does not feel right but SUCK IT UP Dee!

The recovery you have shown with the life you are dealing with as always astounds me! And your wonderful partner is truly amazing and so glad that she has stayed by you.

I wish as others have said that I was not so far away too-being unemployed right now I would drive you anywhere you needed to go! You may try to throw me out of the car but I would still help you!

Hang in there Dee and keep venting that is what we are here for! Love ya sweets

Tommyh

Dee
I believe Sandy had a good point.
Sounds as if your problems may need to be tackled on several fronts.
When I look at all my problems they can look over whelming.When I break them down into categories or groups,then they don`t look so horrible,and I can take them one at a time and make progress.I cannot solve all my problems at once,but I can solve a single problem easier.Like looking at a smaller picture instead of the grand scope of things.Dee,if you cannot solve a problem,ask for help there.It`s ok to ask for help.

parentrecovers

please ask for the help you need, dee. you can make it up by helping others later. and i know you will. hugs, k

Tazman53

Dee many of us do things to help others whether they are alcohol related or not, for alcoholics or non-alcoholics. I know plenty of folks in AA that visit nursing homes or help out the homeless, I have found that AA rather then becoming seperate from the world in sobriety I have become a part of the world.

Glad to see that you have some other sources of help available as well.

In AA service work both in the rooms and out side of the rooms are a big part of recovery.

PaperDolls

(((dee)))

You've always been an inspiration to me and your posts and words are always spot on.

I wish I was closer and I would help you out.

I can relate to "tired of being me" ..... I've been feeling the same way lately. I just have to keep telling myself it will get better. That's all I can do to keep semi-sane. Asking for help ... blah, I don't like it either but sometimes I just have to suck it up and do it. It ain't easy but it's doable.

Keep us posted!!

Toomutch

Dee, you have so much on your plate, yet you continue to stay strong. I know it's hard to ask for help... I'm no good at that either. I admire you for all your courage, you are an inspiration. It's wonderful that you have a supportive partner by your side.

jimhere

Hi Dee,

I've learned some hard lessons about asking for help. In fact, there have been times in the past that I would rather have drank again than ask for help.

When I was about fourteen months sober, things fell apart for me. I was injured at work and went from doing really well to barely scratching by. A lot of times I didn't know where my next meal was coming from.

A friend of mine would stop by and we'd go to a noon AA meeting and then he'd take me to lunch. One day he was at my place and he threw a fifty dollar bill on my table. I asked "What's that for?" to which he replied "Looks to me like you need it." Couldn't deny that, my cupboards were bare and my gas tank was empty. I said " I can't take that!" and he asked why not. I said it was because I couldn't pay him back. His reply was classic. My friend Larry is this gruff cowboy type and is pretty blunt in his way of coming across. He said "Why you self-centered S.O.B.! Who said anything about paying me back? You can pay me back when you can help someone else. And by not taking it, you are denying me of the blessing of being able to be of service!"

Lesson learned. Don't be afraid to ask for help or to let people help you. You might be helping them as well.

Stay the course my friend. You help and inspire many here.
Jim

cmc

bro, I'm glad to hear you are working towards making your life better. You deserve it.




(oh btw....kudos.. for the good recovery work ie the desire and willingness to do what it takes to make necessary changes.)

Mattcake

Venting helps... It's not a sign of weakness, imho. And even if is, who cares!

In any case, you're not a weak person. You are a big inspiration, and a great friend

This isn't a criticism, just a comment: the thing that struck me about your post is your "need" list. In my experience -which is obviously not yours, so this might not apply - I found a great deal of relief by changing my "needs" to "wants". When you say to yourself that you need something, it conveys a sense of obligation. If you want something, though, you're forced to ask yourself the reasons for wanting it, and it's more empowering.
"I need to find a doctor who gives a crap" --> "I *want* to find a doctor because...."
It's a small shift in perspective, but I find it very useful. When I discovered that I wanted to recover from addiction, my real journey started. And so on.

I'm glad you have a SO who supports you. And a whole bunch of people here who care for you, too