SHawk25

Thank you, on day 14 now..

I am so excited to see her later today, but I'm so nervous.. Just have no clue where it's going to lead.. Patience, Patience, Patience..

witt44

Hi SHawk25 ,

First of all congratulations 14 days !

I have 13 days after relapse and 1.5 year sober .

Make it simple . Read very carefully other posts , ladies' ones .

Try not to talk about the past . The NOW and HERE , remember .
Keep your mind wide open and be honest .

All the best , witt

getr345

Sobriety (self) first.

Relationships (others) second.

I really think that's the way it should be handled. I'm very lucky. I have a good wife and she has stood by me through it all even if she didn't fully understand it all. I know not everyone has a mate and I know how lonely life can be without one. My alcoholic friend who quit drinking a month after I did, he is single and anytime he talks to me about getting in any kind of relationship or just screwing around with the fat girl at work, I put it aside and try to keep him focused on his sobriety. I've read and heard that relationships are like a new drug for some one in recovery and I imagine that getting back with one lost due to to alcoholism can be the same way, particularly so soon after (two weeks) after putting down the bottle.

ThirstForLife

Shawk, buddy, just be yourself. You dont wanna start off with pretending to be something you're not. She's seen enough of that guy when you were drinking. And man, I know its tough. Its been awhile for me since I've been in any kind of serious relationship. I just figured, If I dont even respect myself, how can I be expect to respect others? If my soberity gets stronger than I'll entertain the notion of getting back into a responible relationship, but I wanna make sure I've got enough to give that it has a good shot at working. Just remember the saying, Shawk, actions speak louder than words. The fact that she is willing to meet with you on sunday should speak volumes to how she is not yet ready to give up on things, but you need to show her through actions that you are willing to do what it takes. No more words. Shes probably heard enough bull****. Show her, dont tell her.

parentrecovers

be careful/mindful of your expectations...

hugs, k

SHawk25

Well the visit/dinner went better than I hoped. It was very relaxing, it had it's ups and downs.. But very pleasant. She decided that she does want to work things out with me. We are just gonna clean the slate and start off slow. Exclusive dating for now and move ahead from there..

Now that I feel like I'm a whole person again I can put all my efforts into bettering myself. Focus on my sobriety, my finances and being a better partner for her.. Thank you for everyone's support..

parentrecovers

you have a lot to be grateful for today. hugs, k

Fubarcdn

Glad it went well S.
Second chances are great and the ones that give them are great.
I guess the next dinner will be more like a date since you are starting fresh.
I am curious as to what you finally decided to make for dinner?

SHawk25

I made steaks and a chicken breast. I'm allergic to chicken, but she likes it.. Baked potato and veggies..

Mariposa18

I'm happy to hear things went well for you =)

JerryBear2009

Sweet Deal Hawk!

Not that these words are wise and in your pic you both seem young, I would only add that "wiping the slate clean" is much easier said than done. There will times that she may doubt you (or you may doubt yourself). Its all part of the human experience. I have seen in my friends that past hurts can spring at the unlikeliest of times and, generally, anger and defensiveness are the gut reactions. This is where the patience of a clear mind will guide you. And as always, do for yourself first, and those that love you will be blessed by your strength!

I am very happy for you sir!

Anna

I agree with JerryBear, that wiping the slate clean, may take patience on both sides.

I am so glad that things went well for you and now you have a chance to be the person you want to be.

Tazman53

Glad things went well Shawk, the first thing I told my wife when I got out of detox was that I had to put my sobriety ahead of all or I lost all. She said she would try and understand. At this point she still was considering leaving with the kids so I know if I had slipped just once it would have been over with.

My wife accepts that part of my sobriety today is helping other alcoholics to get and stay sober, she also accepted in my early sobriety I would be going to a lot of meetings, heck she went to some "Open" meetings with me. She found them helpful because they gave her hope and insight.

sfgirl

Hawk—

The dinner seemed to go the best it could have gone both for you and her. That is awesome! I think it is perfect that the stress of the impending doom of that relationship has been wiped away and in its place you get a second sober chance.

I just wanted to add something else that I thought might be helpful because it has been both my experience and struggle. I actually think I said it in another post to you. But so far, probably because it is so early, everything is talked about in such quick decisive terms. You keep asking for patience which is good because I think you will need it. I know I do. The thing I am realizing more and more is that the addicts' time line of life and the sober persons' time line is completely different. I grew up as a drinker, I grew up used to being able to get instant gratification. I expected everything to come quickly, instantly, overnight. If I made a change, the fruits of that change should magically appear. I actually almost think this is not only a product of my alcohol rearing as American society as well.

Sober time is much more slow. I am learning now that things come slowly. Knowledge comes slowly. Rewards comes slowly. True joy and happiness come slowly. Relationships come slowly. You get the point. It is a major part of my recovery— reprogramming my internal clock that expected things to happen on the hour now gets things on the month or the year. So I just want you to know that partly because I think if you expect too much too soon it can put you in danger of relapse and make you worry about if you are doing the right thing. I am six months down the road and I still feel like I have got a long, long way to go. This does not mean, however, that the journey is not awesome.

Enough21

sfgirl, I love what you have said here. The very first day I started my recovery, I just wanted to get well, get over it, and get as far away from my last drink as possible. Now, I'm approaching my 90 days and I have realized that I am just now in the right head space to BEGIN addressing the antecedents and consequences of my drinking and to BEGIN discovering the person that I would like to become. I'm only just starting to comprehend that this journey of self actualization and recovery is likely to take a lifetime.

mle-sober

Hey - I'm thrilled to hear last night went well and the woman you love is willing to give you another chance. That's really wonderful. And you're a lucky man.

I just want to point out a statement you made that sort of raised a red "caution" flag for me. You said that you now feel like a whole person again since she is back with you. That's one place that you might want to examine. Feeling like a partial person when you are not with your partner is one of the hall-marks of codependency as I understand it. It also makes you very vulnerable. What happens if she leaves again? Are you going to drink because you don't feel whole?

I think you're doing a great job and making real, serious strides. I'm proud of you for not drinking and for making a committment to make yourself a better person. I also think you showed real courage in how you responded to your girlfriend's reactions. I just thought I would share my thoughts about feeling less than whole when you are not with your loved one. For what it's worth.

Keep on keepin' on.

sfgirl

Enough21—

I totally know what you mean. I think it is such an easy trap to fall into. And I still find myself falling into it sort of often. I start asking myself why aren't I happy/whole/complete yet? Argh, I have made all these changes, I am doing all this work, hello can I have some full-on tangible results now? And then get all down on myself and find myself getting into these little mind circles about how something must be wrong with me, I am doomed, etc. But now I am beginning to realize how much that has to do with this warped sense of time I grew up with (because I basically grew up drinking which means recovery is like reparenting myself, talk about a bitch) and now that I recognize that it can be easier to move away from those vicious thought patterns.

I guess this is also why I feel that often on here I am always trying to counter the posts that say get sober, be happy because it has not been my experience that doing one magically produces the other. God knows that would have been my wish. In fact it was what I thought would happen, but it does not work like a wand waving in the air. There is long sustained work involved but for that I am hoping to receive a long sustained joyful connected life complete with the ups and downs of both happiness and sadness and of course all the other emotions out there.

SHawk25

No need for a caution flag. I believe everyone who loses a loved one wouldn't feel themselves for awhile.. From my favorite movie "she completes me".. Would I have moved on if she didn't want to work things out. Yes I would have it would have been extremely difficult, but I prepared myself for that.. Would I have started drinking if she didn't come back, no.. I am very happy with the direction I am going.. Nothing in this world will tempt me to drink again..

getr345

I believe that anyone on this board who truly cares about you and hopes for your success (myself included) got a shiver down their spine when they read this because experience tells them that it seems like you might be setting yourself up for a fall.

SHawk25

Sorry brother, looking back and knowing what beer put me through the past decade.. It isn't happening.. I'm better than that..