Fubarcdn

I have confidence in you and your woman is worth it.

Mark75

SHIVER.... Because I care about you... followed your post closely. Have to agree with (not limited to....) Getr and MLE

Mark

SHawk25

Well years down the road when everything is still going great, I'll dig this post up and give you guys a friendly "I told you so"

Mark75

I hope that you do!

Mark

getr345

Perhaps I should have prefaced my last post on this thread with...

"You might not want to hear this but..."

SHawk25, first let me say congratulations on how far you have come already. I too believe you can beat this and become the man you want to be. I assume that you came here to SR and continue to come here because you had a drinking problem and needed help getting though it. Otherwise, you would have never registered and just quit drinking, life goes on etc...right? And since you came here like the rest of us for help, I say don't be afraid or unwilling to accept it.

No need for red flags? Really? I'm sure I don't believe that and can speak only for me when I say that I came here for the BENEFIT of others throwing up red flags when they see one in my posts. I know I can't always see them for myself. I came here clouded and unable to see clearly, blinded if you will. Sometimes the posts that had (have) the most impact on me were the ones I didn't want to hear at the time or just didn't understand yet, but they stuck with me, deep inside, and helped me.

Nothing in this world will ever tempt you to drink? Really? I'm sure I don't believe that either and can only speak for myself when I say that temptation is everywhere, including (and most importantly) my own head. You know what scares me the most? Time. Yup, time. We count it, we're proud of it, and it's kinda how we keep score in recovery but it scares the crap out of me because I know from 39 years on this planet that time makes me forget things and changes how I feel about things. I'm scared that 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years down the road that I may forget why I ever did this, decide that I might think it's OK to drink again, after all, didn't I just prove that I can do this? Maybe I didn't really have that big a problem to begin with....

I want more than anything for other people, yourself included, to share in the joy of sobriety but when I see a red flag (or two or three in your case) I throw it up there because I would want anyone to do the same for me, and I am grateful to those who did.

And regarding "I told you so"... YOU are the only one you have anything to prove to.

SHawk25

Thanks guys, and yes that is much better worded then just saying you're setting yourself up for failure..

Tazman53

Now this may or may not sound crazy, but when I went into detox it was with the understanding that in all likely hood my wife & kids would be leaving me soon after I got out of detox, I was getting sober strictly for me, I did not want to die!

I got lucky, my wife slowly grew to love the new me, my wife and kids are still there, but I was fairly sure they were not going to be there.

Mark75

When I was 22, my dad, younger than I am now, joined AA when my parents divorced. Though they never got back together, he went on to have 24 years of sobriety before he died... hundreds of AA friends at the funeral, blew me away.... and yea, though I didn't understand it fully back then, he did it for himself. I think his heart never healed, but he died happy, and sober.

Tazman53

Cubile my first sponsor was sober for 2 years when his wife of over 20 years divorced him, she didn't like him sober and hated him drunk!!!! He has since remarried happily.

flutter

Ditto.. and as to the "I wont be tempted again", please be careful with complacency. You don't know what's down the road in life, and you are so newly sober that it scares me when I read overconfidence.

And you're 'better than that'? is that to say that those of us who have had a harder time with our sobriety .. aren't? hmm.. I hope you make it, and never drink again, and that you're never tempted again, and all the wonderful things you're hopeful for, I really do. But I also know how dangerous an air of arrogance and settled complacency can be for folks with alcohol problems. I wish you the best.

SHawk25

Sigh.. No I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else here.. I'm saying that I'm better than beer.. And yes I'm very confident about my future..

Future22

I dont see anything wrong with being confidfent, although I am only a newcomer and only on day 15. Being confident, but not cocky, has provided me with the courage to do many things that I thought was never possible. I feel being confident to a degree can be healthy and positive as long as it doesnt spill over to overconfidence or cockiness.

Tommyh

if you are better than beer,and got this thing all figured out,why are you here?I`ve heard stuff like you said a lot,and not a one of those folks stayed sober long.I hope you are the exception.

mle-sober

The problem with being too confident is that you never take the time to learn the skills you might need in the future that would prevent you from drinking.

What some of us are worried about for you, SHawk, is that your initial experience with sobriety is so strong and so convincing that you appear to believe that you already have it all figured out. If you have it figured out, than you don't need any kind of mental defense or other tools in your "tool box" for the day that something in your life crashes and you find yourself getting a sudden case of "The F-ck Its."

Trusting yourself is good. But you came here, if I recall correctly, vacilating between whether or not you thought you were an alcoholic. I still haven't read you say that you believe you're an alcoholic. The last thing I read before this thread, you stated that you were going to quit drinking for 1 year. Now you are saying nothing in this world could make you drink again.

I don't think you need to decide if you're an alcoholic or not. I don't think you need to go to AA. I also don't think you need to decide that you're never going to drink or you're going to allow yourself to drink in one year. But those things, coupled with your portrayal of how easy it has been for you to turn away from alcohol, do make me wonder and worry. Especially considering that the major concern of your posts has been your relationship rather than your drinking.

So, what I do hope you do, is bring those questions to your own mind as you go about working on making your future a better place.

If you are an alcoholic, there will inevitably come a day or a moment when you feel seduced by the desire to drink again. There will be a voice in your head that says, "F-ck It. I have been doing so well. Life is great. I've earned this. And I've erased all that harm in the past. One drink won't matter." And maybe that one drink will not pose any problem. But later on, you'll have the same experience and then again. And then you will find yourself coming home at 4am, drunk and having spent all your money.

What are you going to do when that happens? At this moment in time, your confidence is convincing you that that moment will not ever happen.

Because, you're not an alcoholic. Your drinking didn't constitute alcoholic drinking, it was just poor judgement and control. And now you've learned your lesson? Or because you love your girlfriend so much and have a vision for your future together and you are absolutely and totally committed 100%? And now your judgement and self-control are in place. Now you are stronger and you would never do anything to hurt your girlfriend again.

That's what it sounds like you believe. And maybe you're right. Maybe you're not an alcoholic and all it is going to take for you is will-power and self-control. I hope that's the case for you.

But what some of us are saying is that it looks different from where we sit. Will power is wonderful. And self control is important. Conviction is key. But we need to have other tools. Tools that help us when we find ourselves faced with the desire to put a drink to our mouths, and the voice in our head that says it's okay to do so. And when you start out on your path of recovery, if you believe that you don't need to worry and that you've got this thing licked, you might be missing a step or two.

SHawk, no one here is saying you're not doing a good job. And you have every right to feel hopeful. There's not a single person here who's not hopeful FOR you. But you would set yourself up for a better chance of really staying sober and living a life in recovery if you looked closely at why you feel a need to deny any struggle over alcohol. I mean, if turning away from alcohol is so easy and complete for you at this point, why was it such a problem in your life to begin with?

SHawk25

Honestly thank you for your concern. I appreciate it..

Yes I did come here wondering if I had a drinking problem. Wondering if I was an alcoholic. And after a couple of weeks of reading on this site and others as well as reflecting on my past... The answer is no, I'm not an alcoholic. Instead I lacked priorities in my life. Just didn't take alot seriously. And no I'm not making excuses or in denial. But I was careless about life before I ever started drinking.

The reason I still come to this site for support is that alot of people here have helped me with bettering my life. Not just not drinking but helping put a direction in my life. Planning for my future financially, spiritual guidance, and not taking a partner for granted..

The reason why quiting drinking for me this time is different is because I want to change my lifestyle, and better myself. Not just to quit to lose a couple of pounds or to save money, like I used to.

I never tried to quit drinking completely before, usually just set short term goals for physical or financial reasons. I used to just want to quit for a month or two.. Sometimes I achieved those goals, sometimes I'd come up a little short.

I did dabble with the idea of only quiting for a year.. But someone here, don't remember who, asked me a simple yet very important question.. Why would I drink again? And I couldn't come up with one good reason. There is no reason for me to ever drink again, and I am confident I won't. There is no benefit from drinking. I'm not being cocky or over confident, just confident. Looking forward to a completely sober life.

michelle01

The reason why people are giving you cautions here is because many of us are familiar with the 'pink cloud' effect. Many people can feel a sense of elation a few weeks into recovery, and as if they no longer have a problem. They feel this prematurely and then they can become complacent and neglect relapse prevention. It does sound as if you weren't as far down the road of the addiction as a lot of others. But it's something to be mindful of in recovery.

Many people here have had to work very hard on themselves to prevent relapse over a long period of time. Overconfidence can be an enemy in recovery, and the first stage of relapse.

It sounds like what happened in your relationship served as a 'wake up' call for you and now you are tackling mature responsibilities. That is going to be a process of personal growth for you, in all areas. Good luck.

Fubarcdn

I am with you Shawk. If one chooses to change their life style they can.
Not everyone that wants to lead a sober life has to be an alcoholic.
If something is hindering your enjoyment in life and your relationships some people can just give that up after rationally coming to that conclusion.
It is called maturing.

getr345

Good for you.

However, I cannot relate to that certainty at all...

"Am I an alcoholic?"

It's a question about myself that I still don't have an answer to and I don't know if I ever will. I've carefully examined all the evidence of my own drinking, looked for similarities in others who post here, noted some differences and still for the life of me I cannot tell if I was (or am) an alcoholic, by definition. I'm not even sure if it really matters. I'm sure I can say I was defendant on alcohol and addicted to other substances. I guess what matters is that I (like you) came to the conclusion that I was drinking (and in my case drugging) too much and the effect of intoxication and addiction was negative on my life. I'm not yet prepared to say "yes I am an alcoholic" but I'm also not yet prepared to say, "no, I'm not an alcoholic." For me, there is danger in that denial.

"Am I an alcoholic?"

The question and the answer to that remains open in my book. One way I look at is to to say that the only way I can "prove" to myself that I was never an alcoholic is to never drink again (which oddly is something that non-alcoholics really need not do, though they can choose to) and then someday when I'm like 90 years old on my deathbed I can say, well I must not have been an alcoholic because no true alcoholic can simply quit cold turkey like that and NEVER drink again. It just doesn't happen like that from what I have heard, the cravings and the disease is too strong. And conversely, I kinda feel like if I do drink again someday and fall back into my old drinking patterns, then I prove to myself once and for all that I am (and always was) an alcoholic, just in early stage when I first got sober. It's a real head trip to be sure, and I'm sure that most people (myself included) do not want to be labeled "alcoholic", particularly if they feel the label is negative in connotation.

Tazman53

Well said future, I have seen confidence & cockiness take a man back to drinking after 22 years sober!!!

I will go to my grave an alcoholic whether I stay sober or not, if I got real cocky I may just let my disease convince me that I can drink safely again because I have not drank in X number of years so I can not be an alcoholic I just went through a phase.

The guy who was sober for 22 years........ in less then 6 months he has gotten to my knowledge at least 2 DUIs and totalled a motorcyle. I have no doubt that he was feeliing cocksure when he drank that first drink after 22 years.

What I have learned from him is that I nor anyone else can say with certainity they have this beat, I can say I have it beat today because today is all I have control over. Tonight I will thank God for another day sober and go to sleep. Tomorrow??????

firestorm090

To acknowledge that I am an alcoholic is something I never want to do, but by doing so I identify one of the main problems in my life. I can't drink like other people, when I drink, I drink to get drunk. It's not a social party to me, it's a trip to la-la land whenever I get drunk. Sure, I can go for periods of time without a drink, especially when I'm pursuing a goal I feel is important to me. But in the end, regardless of what I achieve, I still end up drunk. Sometimes it takes a while, which is how I continued to convince myself that I didn't have a problem for so many years. I played every mind game in the book, and still do, because I don't want to be an alcoholic, I don't want the negative connotations of that label placed on me, but the truth is that I don't drink like other people, and when I drink, my life goes to pot. I wish I could say it is different, but it's not.

Hopefully, you didn't drink like I did, because if you did, then the confidence you feel today, although commendable, can lead to more of the same, because if we don't think we have a problem, then we may think we don't need to change. That thought has given me license to screw up many a good year, and still keeps calling me today.