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Old 03-10-2009, 06:00 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Em's story


My story is long, but I'll make it as brief as possible...

I just turned 29. I have been drinking irresponsibly since I can remember (say from the age of 14ish). At that age, my friends turned to drugs. I tried marijuana but hated it. Drugs were certainly not for me. Made me feel messed up. Alcohol was totally different.

So I always had an affiliation to alcohol. When drugs like P and ecstasy and even the (then) legal herbal equivalents became available, I was outraged and thought it was discussing. Drugs have never, and will never be something that will interest me.

However, I have known I have had a problem with alcohol for some years now.

In 2004 I decided to go to art school rather suddenly, so I knuckled down because I had only 14 paintings to paint in 14 weeks. I stopped drinking then. I was accepted and had to make the move. Just my 5 year old son and I, to the big city.

We stuck it out. For about 6 months. But it was very stressful. We had no other support.

So one day I had a weekend off and I went back to my home town and stayed with a mate of mine. The second day I woke up in hospital.

Aparantly in my sleep, I'd had 2 grand mal seizures.

The doctors diagnosed me with epilepsy even though the EEG and MRI scans were inconclusive. But anyway they decided to take away my drivers license and put me on some pretty harsh medication. Being on my own with my young son, obviously I couldnít stay at art school in the big city.

So I quit the fine arts degree and moved towns and lived with my sister. I canít remember too much about the process.

That was about 2006. I accepted it, moved on, got a good corporate job.

About 2008 I met a man. He was weird. I didnít understand him. Not long after I met him he went to court for a burglary charge from the past that had caught up with him. That freaked me out! But he said he had no one, so I felt for him, and said Iíd be there for him. He had a big fat criminal history so he ended up going to prison.

So I was the only person that knew he went to prison. I had to tell his boss, his landlord and his MOTHER! (none of whom Iíd met)

I wanted to break up with him but he was telling me about how I was the only person in the whole world he had. He wrote to me every day.

I started drinking again.

A little while later I signed myself up for a drug trial with the public health system. They gave me valium and sleeping pills for 2 weeks for detox and then the drug they were trialing (which is a drug that makes you not get drunk if you drink). I never drank whilst on the medication so I have no idea how it works.

I really really meant to break up with him but it seemed like he needed me, so much I couldnít bring myself to it. He honestly had no one else. Not even his own mother would visit him. He was still writing to me every day but I wasnít going to visit him either. ÖUntil it was his birthday and he seemed really desperate. So I did. The police dogs growled at me and caused a fuss because I had valium in my car!! DOH! I totally forgot!

Anyways, he was released and asked me if he could do home detention (the whole ankle bracelet thing) at my house. I said no straight away because of my son. He managed to convince his mother to have him at her house 4 hours away from my place. I visited him a few times and really felt like we bonded, and that his time in prison had really had a positive impact on him.

After he served his time in prison and his time on home detention he came to stay with me. Initially it was only temporary until he found a place of his own. *ahem ******** ahem* I started drinking again casually. We both did.

It then got to the stage that I was drinking heeeeeeaps. 3 or 4 nights a week I'd come to bed drunk.

We decided I needed help.

I went to the place that helped me before but the woman I previously worked with had left. I got lost in the system and no one called me back. I enrolled again. None called me back.

He managed to get his job back with his old employer - the one I had to tell that he'd gone to prison. He was doing well now his life was back on track. It was like nothing had ever happened. Except that his girlfriend was coming to bed 2-3 hours after him, pissed as a fart every night.

He told me he didnít love me one day and then left and didnít come back.

(I'll also let you know he left me in a bunch of debt that was in my name)

Ssssooo Iím miserable.

I went back to the service that helped me before but the woman I previously worked with still wasnít back. They said I needed to go to a rehab facility and that they were not comfortable with me detoxing alone.
I told them Iíd done it before but they were persistent. They said I'd die if I stopped drinking without supervision.

These people are from a government agency so I became worried that I was obliged. No one knows about my addiction (except my dork ungrateful Ex-boyfriend that left me to it). So I lied to them and told them that my GP (local doctor) had put me on a program and I was okay now.

I'm still quite worried about myself sometimes. I make sure my son gets everything he needs - thereís no worries there. But I secretly had a grand mal the other day that no one knows about. I woke up with a chewed up tongue. I know what itís about.

Sometimes I crave 'an ending' but I never would/could I love my son and my family too much. Itís honestly not an option. Oh Iíve thought about it. Envied those that can. Itís disgusting.

But I want to not have to live each day disgusted with myself.

Its rough though, its like groundhog day. Wake up with good intentions. Need to be pissed to get to sleep.
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Old 03-10-2009, 06:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Please talk to your dr.

This sounds like a dangerous situation.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 03-10-2009, 06:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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2much: i think you should give A.A. a try.. i've been going the last couple years after almost drinking myself to death and have been sober since! i hope you keep an open mind.. A.A. has helped millions of people!
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Old 03-10-2009, 08:15 AM   #4 (permalink)

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I agree with Anna. You need to see a doctor and the sooner the better. You have a child that needs you.
Good luck.
What it is is what it is.

Only positivity No negativity.
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Old 03-10-2009, 08:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. I see this is not your first post, but I am new to you. I do hope you'll stick around.

So what is your plan now? You have a 5 year old. I have a 6 year old and if it wasn't for him I probably would not have made the first few sober steps. I was stubborn, but it took a 6 year old to knock some sense into me. I am now sober because of SR and my HP. I would like to know if you plan on AA or something. I am glad to hear that ending it all is NOT an option for you. Its not a good option for anybody.

What brings you joy in life? What did you like to play when you were a child? How did you pass the time? I had to go back to childhood because I couldn't remember true joy in adulthood except for becoming a mom and that was joy and anxiety. I realized I was drawn to horses as I was when I was younger. They are my therapy. You need to find your bliss and I hope you do.

I agree with the others about AA. A great step for anyone that has not found their way to recovery. I wish for you true happiness.
"For who among us shall cast the first stone?"
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Old 03-10-2009, 08:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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2much - I agree with the others... Please see your doctor.
And suddenly you know... it is time to try something new and trust in new beginnings.
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
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cornered by alcoholism.......my heart goes out to you..

BUT thats not really gonna help you is it...for me it didnt anyway and i got pretty good at getting sympathy as long as they had some money to lend me.

Its easy for me to see a solution...but then again im on the outside looking in.

This is a suggestion...a plan if you like..if it helps great...

First and foremost get to a doctor...be 100% honest about your drinking.
Do what ever he suggests to de-tox from booze..and i mean anything..
DO NOT attempt to stop without medical intervention...
I have been detoxed with medical intervention because of my chronic alcohol addiction...
Before detox my doctor told me NOT to stop till i was in there care...

Next, once your sober...get to AA as soon as possible...remain open minded..get a sponsor and start doing the 12 steps..

This is how i got sober....and more importantly how i stay sober..

Some years ago i was a hopeless bum.....begging on the street....living hand to mouth...in and out of jail.
Long hair ..beard and stinking like a dung heap...i couldnt go an hour without alcohol.

IT IS POSSIBLE TO LIVE A HAPPY AND FULL LIFE WITHOUT BOOZE..but you gotta want it with all your heart..

You need to start this plan NOW dont become one of the ones that dies and there are plenty...

Leaving behind loved ones.....sons...daughters...mothers ..fathers..

YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS.....and its all there for the taking.....

God be with you..direct you...and keep you safe.............trucker
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I hear you, loud and clear. I hope you do try to find a support group. I tried AA on February 20th and have met some great people. I was turned off of the meeting I attended, but the people I've met have prevailed and kept contacting me, trying to help me. I have to say, I was scared of them at first but I realize I need help and I am going to another meeting tomorrow. Don't fear these meetings too much. I certainly DID; however, after I went, I was overwhelmed by the fact that EVERYONE there had been where I was, and in many cases, in worse places. These are people who understand and they really want to help. Please do yourself and your son a favor and try a meeting. I am a mother also, and I should add that it's a miracle that I am not dead of alcohol poisoning or a drunk driving accident -- who knows? All I know is that I'm alive and I know I have a problem, and I need to remedy it. I try to remind myself that if I broke a tooth out or lost my glasses, I'd fix that right away. How is treating my soul any different? Best wishes.
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Please see your doctor... I suspect the seizures are not related to your drinking, but the meds to prevent seizures certainly do not mix with alcohol. Seizures are serious business... please see your doctor as soon as possible and be open about your drinking so he/she can treat you properly. Best wishes to you!!

PS: as for the BF.... good riddance!!
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