Welcome to SR. I see this is not your first post, but I am new to you. I do hope you'll stick around.
So what is your plan now? You have a 5 year old. I have a 6 year old and if it wasn't for him I probably would not have made the first few sober steps. I was stubborn, but it took a 6 year old to knock some sense into me. I am now sober because of SR and my HP. I would like to know if you plan on AA or something. I am glad to hear that ending it all is NOT an option for you. Its not a good option for anybody.
What brings you joy in life? What did you like to play when you were a child? How did you pass the time? I had to go back to childhood because I couldn't remember true joy in adulthood except for becoming a mom and that was joy and anxiety. I realized I was drawn to horses as I was when I was younger. They are my therapy. You need to find your bliss and I hope you do.
I agree with the others about AA. A great step for anyone that has not found their way to recovery. I wish for you true happiness.