Please forgive me, I relapsed after 18 days sober
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I am praying to God to be able to forgive myself. I need His strength as I have little of my own. Yes I have issues with anger and self acceptance. I am praying for guidance. God is the only one who can give these attibutes to me.
Are you greater then God?
If God has already forgiven you, you have to forgive yourself..... unless you are greater then God.
Least God has forgiven you, forgive yourself and take the actions needed to stay sober and God will give you the needed strength!
Unless you are taking actions to stay sober God can not give you any strength. Sitting around being miserable and not forgiving your self is not action, it is wallowing in self pity.
Pick your self up and take a new action you have not taken yet, God will give you the strength if, and only if you take the action.
God can not help any one who is not helping them selfs, how can he?
Faith without works is dead! Time to get to work!
God can give you nothing unless you work for it, prayer and actions, actions and prayer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Leesburg,NJ
Posts: 255
Forgive?
Sure...ya got it...I forgive ya...
Geesh you are beating the crap out of yer self esteem here...STOP!
You need all the dignity you can muster right now! So...you slipped...ok.
So what? THAT was yesterday...er...the day before...whatever...
Shame and guilt are a bugger!!! Carry them around yer neck long enough and it'll define you....and YUCKOOO! Who wants to be that crap?
One day at a time my friend....wagon always has room for one more...and then some.
See...forgiven...just like that.
Now go on and LIVE yer life...even if it's only on LIFE'S terms...all day...just for today....one day at a time!
Big Kiss!
Geesh you are beating the crap out of yer self esteem here...STOP!
You need all the dignity you can muster right now! So...you slipped...ok.
So what? THAT was yesterday...er...the day before...whatever...
Shame and guilt are a bugger!!! Carry them around yer neck long enough and it'll define you....and YUCKOOO! Who wants to be that crap?
One day at a time my friend....wagon always has room for one more...and then some.
See...forgiven...just like that.
Now go on and LIVE yer life...even if it's only on LIFE'S terms...all day...just for today....one day at a time!
Big Kiss!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Lexington Tennessee
Posts: 4
I agree with everyone else,.....stop beating yourself up. Today is a new day, forgive yourself and embrace it.
This may sound silly, but I say a little prayer as soon as I wake up every morning and it really helps me. I thank GOD for me opening my eyes on a brand new day, and then I ask for strength for whatever comes my way during the course of it. I'm still getting adjusted to living life sober myself and I can't offer too much advice, but I do know that you'll find a lot of support here.
This may sound silly, but I say a little prayer as soon as I wake up every morning and it really helps me. I thank GOD for me opening my eyes on a brand new day, and then I ask for strength for whatever comes my way during the course of it. I'm still getting adjusted to living life sober myself and I can't offer too much advice, but I do know that you'll find a lot of support here.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
But I can never be what I'm "supposed" to be. I'm supposed to be so many things, but have been none of them. I can never forget what I haven't managed to be. It's engraved on my brain cells. For the rest of my life, drunk or sober, I'll be constantly aware of what I am not. I am always aware of what I am not. I've been in counseling for years over "what I am not". I take my antidepressants every day but it doesn't make much difference. I take all my meds but sometimes, like now, the truth gets thru and the meds don't seem to make much difference. I can be sober the rest of my life and it's not going to alter my life: I'm still going to be a screwup, a mess up, a zero. I'lll never amount to anything, drunk or sober, so had better get used to it. I've been told that for years and am just now beginning to see the truth of it.
I'm supposed to be 5'6" tall, weigh about 120 lbs., have a perfect figure, have long golden brown hair, not this mousey dark brown that I have. I'm not supposed to have these medical conditions that I have. I'm supposed to be making $100,000 a year at a job that I truly love with hours that I make to suit my life. I'm supposed to be on a second Honeymoon with my perfect husband, celebrating our 25th Wedding Anniversary.
I'm not supposed to be an alcoholic and an addict who had spent many years letting not only letting my Family down, but myself as well. I'm not supposed to have felony convictions. I'm not supposed to . . . .
I could go on and on with that list, but supposed tos are like should of, could of or would of . . . they are things that I could use to beat myself up with. These are things that I cannot change.
I had to learn acceptance.
The Serenity Prayer, once again.
" . . . Accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. "
The person that I always felt I was supposed to be and who my Family told me I was supposed to be is unrealistic. It's a fantasy. And fantasies are not reality. The only thing that happens when I focus on who I am supposed to be is that it keeps me from being happy with the person I truly am.
I'm not perfect and I never will be. God didn't mean for everyone to be perfect . . . that's not reality. And the reality is, I'm ok with who I am today, once I let go of thinking negative about myself.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: NYC - New York
Posts: 305
((((Least))))
I can feel your mind spiraling with overwhelming thoughts and I feel your pain. You must shut it down for awhile and regroup. You have friends, you have support and you have a great big heart which is worth its weight in gold.
There is a saying that helps me when I’m feeling like a failure:
“One of the hardest things in life is to live up to your potential”
It is so true. You are who you are and that is ok; in fact it’s wonderful. You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you.
Peace and love coming your way.
I can feel your mind spiraling with overwhelming thoughts and I feel your pain. You must shut it down for awhile and regroup. You have friends, you have support and you have a great big heart which is worth its weight in gold.
There is a saying that helps me when I’m feeling like a failure:
“One of the hardest things in life is to live up to your potential”
It is so true. You are who you are and that is ok; in fact it’s wonderful. You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you.
Peace and love coming your way.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
I took a little nap and woke up feeling somewhat better about myself. Not so consumed with hatred and doubt. I thank you all for your support and love. I really need it right now. :ghug2
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Least, I do understand why you keep falling back on the alcohol to numb yourself against the pain & frustration. You have many unresolved issues & they're eating away at you, preventing you from moving forward. Families, our dear "loved ones", can really do a number on us, can't they? I'm in a heartbreaking situation with my mother, her inability to understand my alcoholism & forgive some of my actions, has destroyed the friendship we once had. So much for unconditional love. Time is running out for it ever to be made right. The guilt regarding this held me down for so long. I would walk the floors at night, grieving over it (& drinking of course.) I wasn't able to get off square one until, like Dee, I stopped alowing her opinion of me to define who I was - and more importantly, who I was trying to become by giving up drinking & finally growing up emotionally. I broke free of the prison I'd allowed myself to be in for my whole life. Maybe our families are upset & critical of us because deep down they feel they've failed us and are uncomfortable with that possibility. If only everyone could understand what addiction is about, there wouldn't be so many judgmental people pointing out where we've gone wrong. I feel for you, my friend, I know you're at a turning point in your life. Please hold on and stay the course. You are needed here.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Hevyn I drove my family to the breaking point, looking back on it now I can understand how they felt after years and years of promises. all of them broken, in order to defend them selfs they simply quit listening to all my promises and apologies.
When I told them I was going into detox they simply said "We'll see", when I came out of detox and I told them I was going to AA to stay sober they said "We'll see".
Hell they were tired of empty promises and apologies. I do not blame them, they had a right to not beleive me.............. but my actions of staying sober are what brought about forgiveness and a return of respect for my word.
Actions I have found speak far louder then words.
How could I expect people who had heard 10 years of "I'm sorry" and "I'm really going to stop this time!" to suddenly over night become all supportive and involved in my recovery?
I had to quit blaming others for my own problems and look in the mirror and see the problem and deal with it!
When I told them I was going into detox they simply said "We'll see", when I came out of detox and I told them I was going to AA to stay sober they said "We'll see".
Hell they were tired of empty promises and apologies. I do not blame them, they had a right to not beleive me.............. but my actions of staying sober are what brought about forgiveness and a return of respect for my word.
Actions I have found speak far louder then words.
How could I expect people who had heard 10 years of "I'm sorry" and "I'm really going to stop this time!" to suddenly over night become all supportive and involved in my recovery?
I had to quit blaming others for my own problems and look in the mirror and see the problem and deal with it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
When i am in that emotional wirlwind of self doubt/hatred and paralized I simply hold on and talk bout it with those who love and support me. Later, when the storm has susided and my insanity has lifted....i can begin to take an inventory to discover and take responsiblity for my part....and leave their part in it for them to worry about.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
The withdrawals are so bad, after only two days of drinking, that I'm going to wean myself off so I don't get any worse. I cannot stand this anxiety and the fact that I vowed never to go thru this again only makes it worse. I am trying the best I can. I will try to forgive myself and accept myself.
:ghug
:ghug
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
You can rise up out of this once again, least - I am praying hard for you to have strength. Please try to stop sabotaging yourself - you need a clear head to start working on these issues that are suffocating you.
Taz, I hear you - I always try to look at things from all sides. It's just that my mother is such a self-righteous, unbending person - once she makes up her mind about something, end of story. I've said all I can to apologize, explain, and make amends & she's barely polite to me. I realize that's not the way families usually react - mostly they're happy for us and relieved to see us getting well.
Taz, I hear you - I always try to look at things from all sides. It's just that my mother is such a self-righteous, unbending person - once she makes up her mind about something, end of story. I've said all I can to apologize, explain, and make amends & she's barely polite to me. I realize that's not the way families usually react - mostly they're happy for us and relieved to see us getting well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Leesburg,NJ
Posts: 255
Ok...I'll just stop by EVERYDAY and forgive you...over and over and over again...till ya get sooo friggin sick of seeing my big dumb mug....you'll NEVER touch the stuff again...TRUST ME...I'm capable of doing THAT!
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Wow! Just came back from taking daughter's cat to the vet, he hasn't been eating, and the check from dear ol dad last weekend for $200 was going to pay some bills... well the vet bill was $157, so just enough left to put gas in the car. Now I'm really depressed. Talked with my landlord today, explaining that I can't pay the rent cause I'm unemployed right now and waiting to hear about my application for disability... and all she could do was tell me how much back rent I owed her... May as well be a million dollars cause I don't have any of it.
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
I am asking for your prayers that I can get thru this withdrawal and stop drinking for good. I just woke up feeling agitated and sick and so sick of myself and this disease i can't stand it. I can't stand myself. I'm so sick of my weakness and want to stop drinking. Please pray for me that i can get thru the withdrawals safely and make it thru the first few days without losing my mind. I want so bad to stop drinking. Please pray for me. I need God's help to stop.:praying
I am going to call my doctor today and ask his help in quitting drinking. I need help, medical help in getting thru the withdrawals. I hope he will help me.
I am going to call my doctor today and ask his help in quitting drinking. I need help, medical help in getting thru the withdrawals. I hope he will help me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
least i am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU HONEY you can do this,:praying:praying WE can do this, lets get back on this wagon together, i know i am on the other side of the ocean but i am there holding your hand, im having a horrible time, and i woke up feeling exactly as you described this morning, sick of myself and sick of my disease.
Im sick of being so self absorbed and needy , i hate myself and the choices i have made in life- but we can do this, we can turn this around just for today,
Im sick of being so self absorbed and needy , i hate myself and the choices i have made in life- but we can do this, we can turn this around just for today,
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
I keep coming back here for the support I can't seem to give myself. I am so ashamed but want to stop drinking again. I need your prayers and God's help to stop. please pray for me.
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