Please forgive me, I relapsed after 18 days sober
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 111
Hey Least - I'm recognizing your pattern here. As soon as those frying pans come out, I know you're in trouble. You have a friend you go to AA meetings with, right? CALL HER!!!. Get yourself to a meeting ASAP. You can stop this skid in it's tracks. OK?????
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
least,it seems pretty obvious that you have a tons of issues with both of your parents. I have a Mom who, no matter what I do, I cannot please. It's been like that my entire life. I bounced in and out of Recovery so many times since 1980 that I couldn't honestly put a number on how many times I kept picking back up. Many times if I didn't hear my Mom telling me how I don't do anything right, I was telling myself that same thing constantly.
In July of '05, a very wise woman told me that until I learned to let go of trying to please my Mom, and everyone else, I could never stay sober for any significant period of time. I had to set boundaries with my Mom and others who I let create havoc in my mind. I'll admit, it wasn't easy to tell my Mom that I was no longer going to listen to her telling me that I will never amt. to anything, that no matter what I did, I could never be like my Brother, . . . .
We're taught to respect our Parents. But that doesn't mean that we have to take the verbal abuse from them. I thought I had a great childhood, there was no physical or sexual abuse. . . but the verbal and emotional abuse left scars just as well.
My Mom still tries to get her $hit off on me. She's a miserable person and wants me to be miserable right along with her. I won't let her take me there today. I have set boundaries and she knows that I will not bend on these. If she begins to cut me down, I tell her that I love her but I'm leaving. And I leave. Sure, I can hear her yelling, "Don't you dare walk out on me, how are you going to feel when I die? You better get back here. . . . " I won't listen to it. I refuse.
I hope that when you turn in for the night, you ask God to remove the guilt and shame that you feel. And when you wake up, remember that it's a new day . . . and a new beginning. And don't look back.
And remember those four words that are so strong. . . This too shall pass.
God Bless,
Judy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Sorry S.
Didn't mean you were drinking...just *in case* you were, or thinking of it....the 'give up' thing got me.
I'm glad you're not.
And I know you won't stay down either. You're not a quitter
D
Didn't mean you were drinking...just *in case* you were, or thinking of it....the 'give up' thing got me.
I'm glad you're not.
And I know you won't stay down either. You're not a quitter
D
Last edited by Dee74; 06-03-2008 at 08:15 PM.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
least - I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know how overwhelming that feeling of uselessness and less than can be. Can you just try to remember how much better you felt such a short time ago? I don't know if my words can reach you...but try to hear me....this feeling will not last forever.
You are not what others tell you you are. You are who you are and I like you just fine.:ghug
You are not what others tell you you are. You are who you are and I like you just fine.:ghug
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
But I can never be what I'm "supposed" to be. I'm supposed to be so many things, but have been none of them. I can never forget what I haven't managed to be. It's engraved on my brain cells. For the rest of my life, drunk or sober, I'll be constantly aware of what I am not. I am always aware of what I am not. I've been in counseling for years over "what I am not". I take my antidepressants every day but it doesn't make much difference. I take all my meds but sometimes, like now, the truth gets thru and the meds don't seem to make much difference. I can be sober the rest of my life and it's not going to alter my life: I'm still going to be a screwup, a mess up, a zero. I'lll never amount to anything, drunk or sober, so had better get used to it. I've been told that for years and am just now beginning to see the truth of it.
I always thought I could run from my past, but am finally seeing that it's no use. the past will always be there to remind me of where I was. No matter where I am now, where I was is always right behind me. I'm trying to get past this fact, but it is a fact and I'd better get used to it. Thanks to dear ol' dad for reminding me. Thanks dad. thanks but no thanks.
No use bringing it up with the counselor, she's already heard it. NOthing to be done about it. Just hope I can get thru the rest of my life without too much interference from parents or siblings. They just love to tell me how they've always loved and supported me... so any criticism is completelyUngrateful on my part (??!!) But does lovng and supporting mean they have the right to dig my grave and demand that I lie down in it?? I have been in a quandry all weekend over this crap. my sister insists that they "love me" even while belittling me, and when I protest she/they throw a fit over my reluctance to accept "their love" on "their terms". Well I'd rather get beat up by my ex abusive partner. At least we had some good times.
Yes i have an appt with conselor this week and will discuss it with her.
I always thought I could run from my past, but am finally seeing that it's no use. the past will always be there to remind me of where I was. No matter where I am now, where I was is always right behind me. I'm trying to get past this fact, but it is a fact and I'd better get used to it. Thanks to dear ol' dad for reminding me. Thanks dad. thanks but no thanks.
No use bringing it up with the counselor, she's already heard it. NOthing to be done about it. Just hope I can get thru the rest of my life without too much interference from parents or siblings. They just love to tell me how they've always loved and supported me... so any criticism is completelyUngrateful on my part (??!!) But does lovng and supporting mean they have the right to dig my grave and demand that I lie down in it?? I have been in a quandry all weekend over this crap. my sister insists that they "love me" even while belittling me, and when I protest she/they throw a fit over my reluctance to accept "their love" on "their terms". Well I'd rather get beat up by my ex abusive partner. At least we had some good times.
Yes i have an appt with conselor this week and will discuss it with her.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I empathise.
I can only tell you what I did - I left my family - I learned not to take their games and their lies and their BS and I stopped being their whipping boy.
I stopped feeding their need to make themselves right by always making me wrong.
best thing I EVER did.
I learned to trust my own judgement, make up my own mind...
and I found I wasn't the screw up I'd always been told I was. I wasn't the loser I always thought myself to be.
comes a time when you either draw a line in the sand...or you don't.
D
I can only tell you what I did - I left my family - I learned not to take their games and their lies and their BS and I stopped being their whipping boy.
I stopped feeding their need to make themselves right by always making me wrong.
best thing I EVER did.
I learned to trust my own judgement, make up my own mind...
and I found I wasn't the screw up I'd always been told I was. I wasn't the loser I always thought myself to be.
comes a time when you either draw a line in the sand...or you don't.
D
Certified Scrabble Cheat!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The Hill City, MS
Posts: 316
Hey Least. I'm praying real hard for you right now.
I need you to answer domething for me so that I can better understand. What does all of this mean? But I can never be what I'm "supposed" to be. I'm supposed to be so many things, but have been none of them. I can never forget what I haven't managed to be.
I can't help you with you parent issues. But the advice to distance yourself from them seams dead on. Your Daughter, on the other hand is a different story. I'd have a chat with her and tell her exactly how the mop flops. In a kindly Maternal kinda way that is. (((big grin))). But under no circumstances should you allow your child to ride you like that. She needs to be on your team now.
I want you to start today loving yourself. Years ago someone told me that if there is something about yourself that you don't like then here are your options. 1) Do nothing, 2) change it, or 3) get over it!! Your choice.
Nothing but love and care here from the Deep South..
I need you to answer domething for me so that I can better understand. What does all of this mean? But I can never be what I'm "supposed" to be. I'm supposed to be so many things, but have been none of them. I can never forget what I haven't managed to be.
I can't help you with you parent issues. But the advice to distance yourself from them seams dead on. Your Daughter, on the other hand is a different story. I'd have a chat with her and tell her exactly how the mop flops. In a kindly Maternal kinda way that is. (((big grin))). But under no circumstances should you allow your child to ride you like that. She needs to be on your team now.
I want you to start today loving yourself. Years ago someone told me that if there is something about yourself that you don't like then here are your options. 1) Do nothing, 2) change it, or 3) get over it!! Your choice.
Nothing but love and care here from the Deep South..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
forgot to mention - obviously I made an extreme decision..others here have made less final decisions....
but Daddios right - you have to make *some* decisions regarding what you'll allow as acceptable behaviour from your family, whether it be the wider family or your daughter...
draw that line in the sand.
D
but Daddios right - you have to make *some* decisions regarding what you'll allow as acceptable behaviour from your family, whether it be the wider family or your daughter...
draw that line in the sand.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 39
least,
I also relapsed someday sometime evening (after 12 days). I guess the best thing for us to do at this point is to just get back on our feet and keep going, and treat this as a learning experience. Don't beat yourself up too much...after all, you made it 18 days! I've also noticed that you've been very active on these message boards and offering some wonderful words of advice. This process isn't supposed to be easy...It's about progress, not perfection. I know for me I drank because I was putting too much pressure on myself to create art (my inner perfectionist flared up, and in that moment I reacted and sought the "quick" solution instead of keeping the bigger picture in mind)...so now I know I need to work on ensuring that my creativity works WITH my sobriety, not against it...
I wish you all the best!
I also relapsed someday sometime evening (after 12 days). I guess the best thing for us to do at this point is to just get back on our feet and keep going, and treat this as a learning experience. Don't beat yourself up too much...after all, you made it 18 days! I've also noticed that you've been very active on these message boards and offering some wonderful words of advice. This process isn't supposed to be easy...It's about progress, not perfection. I know for me I drank because I was putting too much pressure on myself to create art (my inner perfectionist flared up, and in that moment I reacted and sought the "quick" solution instead of keeping the bigger picture in mind)...so now I know I need to work on ensuring that my creativity works WITH my sobriety, not against it...
I wish you all the best!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 39
least,
You can't predict the future...so you don't know how things will turn out! I say this on an optimistic note. Yes, we may have some habits/patterns that didn't really serve us in the past, but this is what this journey of sobriety is for - to learn some new ways of relating to our everyday lives, and habits/patterns that can, if we take it one step at a time and continue doing so, will allow us to achieve the goals we want!
I have been an underachiever in school for many years. I actually really love learning and I think I'm fairly intelligent/creative, but I just didn't have the study habits I needed to be successful (and this also had to do with my problems dealing with my emotions and excessive perfectionism). I'm in my fourth year in college now and don't know how I've made it this far given all of the assignments I never did, but actually things have been getting progressively worse for me over time...if I continue doing what I've been doing, I will probably flunk out of school (I'm planning to stay an extra year). But this is where I have to let go of my poor track record and just take it one day at a time, learn some new coping skills and work habits. I think I also didn't have realistic expectations for myself. I wanted to be some kind of creative genius, but didn't take into account that all "creative geniuses" had to start somewhere, and they had to work at it everyday, that their careers were not built overnight.
You can't predict the future...so you don't know how things will turn out! I say this on an optimistic note. Yes, we may have some habits/patterns that didn't really serve us in the past, but this is what this journey of sobriety is for - to learn some new ways of relating to our everyday lives, and habits/patterns that can, if we take it one step at a time and continue doing so, will allow us to achieve the goals we want!
I have been an underachiever in school for many years. I actually really love learning and I think I'm fairly intelligent/creative, but I just didn't have the study habits I needed to be successful (and this also had to do with my problems dealing with my emotions and excessive perfectionism). I'm in my fourth year in college now and don't know how I've made it this far given all of the assignments I never did, but actually things have been getting progressively worse for me over time...if I continue doing what I've been doing, I will probably flunk out of school (I'm planning to stay an extra year). But this is where I have to let go of my poor track record and just take it one day at a time, learn some new coping skills and work habits. I think I also didn't have realistic expectations for myself. I wanted to be some kind of creative genius, but didn't take into account that all "creative geniuses" had to start somewhere, and they had to work at it everyday, that their careers were not built overnight.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by least 
But I can never be what I'm "supposed" to be. I'm supposed to be so many things, but have been none of them. I can never forget what I haven't managed to be. It's engraved on my brain cells. For the rest of my life, drunk or sober, I'll be constantly aware of what I am not. I am always aware of what I am not. I've been in counseling for years over "what I am not". I take my antidepressants every day but it doesn't make much difference. I take all my meds but sometimes, like now, the truth gets thru and the meds don't seem to make much difference. I can be sober the rest of my life and it's not going to alter my life: I'm still going to be a screwup, a mess up, a zero. I'lll never amount to anything, drunk or sober, so had better get used to it. I've been told that for years and am just now beginning to see the truth of it.
I always thought I could run from my past, but am finally seeing that it's no use. the past will always be there to remind me of where I was. No matter where I am now, where I was is always right behind me. I'm trying to get past this fact, but it is a fact and I'd better get used to it. Thanks to dear ol' dad for reminding me. Thanks dad. thanks but no thanks.
No use bringing it up with the counselor, she's already heard it. NOthing to be done about it. Just hope I can get thru the rest of my life without too much interference from parents or siblings. They just love to tell me how they've always loved and supported me... so any criticism is completelyUngrateful on my part (??!!) But does lovng and supporting mean they have the right to dig my grave and demand that I lie down in it?? I have been in a quandry all weekend over this crap. my sister insists that they "love me" even while belittling me, and when I protest she/they throw a fit over my reluctance to accept "their love" on "their terms". Well I'd rather get beat up by my ex abusive partner. At least we had some good times.
Yes i have an appt with conselor this week and will discuss it with her.
I always thought I could run from my past, but am finally seeing that it's no use. the past will always be there to remind me of where I was. No matter where I am now, where I was is always right behind me. I'm trying to get past this fact, but it is a fact and I'd better get used to it. Thanks to dear ol' dad for reminding me. Thanks dad. thanks but no thanks.
No use bringing it up with the counselor, she's already heard it. NOthing to be done about it. Just hope I can get thru the rest of my life without too much interference from parents or siblings. They just love to tell me how they've always loved and supported me... so any criticism is completelyUngrateful on my part (??!!) But does lovng and supporting mean they have the right to dig my grave and demand that I lie down in it?? I have been in a quandry all weekend over this crap. my sister insists that they "love me" even while belittling me, and when I protest she/they throw a fit over my reluctance to accept "their love" on "their terms". Well I'd rather get beat up by my ex abusive partner. At least we had some good times.
Yes i have an appt with conselor this week and will discuss it with her.
U've sumed it up very nicely... if u don't mind i'm gona (partially) print that up for reference later when i need to put MY point across in therapy next...
unless u claim sole copyright? lol
thank u so much for putting those words here...as i've searched for them for many years.
I hurt to read them if ur so honest as intended cause i live ur words in my own way but with exactly the same essence of self loathing...
i sorta realised lately, that like u, no matter what life choice i make... if i was to be sober or drunk, i'm always gona be a screw up.
In realising this... i think (it)I will never change... my expectations of myself are unbelievably high (i'm my own worst critic)
IF ONLY i could some how learn to accept myself warts and all.
be ok with me and be able to live with myself... without a line of antidepressants and a string of therapists.
Its almost like serenity is only for DREAMERS?
I think i know how u feel... or at least i got a hell of a jolt out of terminal uniqueness when reading ur post.
its like true "happiness" is a false ideal.... as long as i am who i am, i will never find it.
as u have gotten used to the view from 'down there'.... u can always know its u who has set the highest mark and when failing to hit it, ur digging the grave all on ur own... thanks to the haters always there to remind us...we will always be damned!! BUT not before we damn ourself... cause we already know...."I can never be what i am "suppose" to be"
we can just lie in the bed we made and grin and Freakin' bear it!
Love ya Gal... lots of nice warm hugs. thinkin of ya xx
(i'm with u 'down there' getting used to the same ol' view... Depression HURTS!
)
Last edited by Conez; 06-04-2008 at 03:38 AM. Reason: best wishes
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 700
Originally Posted by least
Why am I so hateful toward myself??
I thought alcohol was the only thing that would make me feel OK with in my own skin. After working the steps .. Step 4 & 5.. I was able to be OK with who I was, it cleared the path to that higher power. That is when I started not to hate myself anymore.
Best of luck
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
Woke up this morning feeling anxous and awful. Afraid to get thru this rainy day. Afraid of what the vet will say about daughter's cat this afternoon. Just afraid of everything. Am praying to God to get me thru this. I hope He still hears me, after all my screwups. Does God ever disown His children?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Least,
I also keep relapsing but that never discouraged me.I don't care what the whole world thinks or says.I only care for me right now. Because I deserve a better life than this and you too.Forget the whole world.Ignore what they say.What really counts is what are you going to do for you and not for someone else. Depression sucks.You feel as if it's eating you alive. However, if you keep doing the same things you'll get the same results. Nothing will change unless you change it.I've long lived my life crying to sleep.Each and every single night.I felt like I was in along dark tunnel.I was relying on anti-depressants and they seemed not to work. What I failed to see was that I was relying on everything and everyone to pull me out of my darkness.I used to blame God for being here. Blame my parents for their mistakes. Blame the world for being too cruel.I was always dreaming of someone who can support me and understand me. Since then I stopped dreaming and started working on myself.I stopped expecting the world to be a perfect world with perfect people.I can't control these things.I can control my reaction. It's not enough to want something. You have to work for it. Feeling sorry for yourself will help you dig deeper down. You can't rely on the meds to get you out of your depression. You have to help them and make them work.I truly believe that no one will love me more than I love myself.If I want them to love me and accept me ,I have to accept myself first.I am who I am period.I amy have so many character defects but I also know that I have a lot to offer to this world. Only if I give myself the opportunity to do that. I am certain that no matter deep down I am God will always be there for me.You can always start with therapy.You are so Worth IT.You're such a sweet lady.You deserve to live a happy life.
Love
Jane
I also keep relapsing but that never discouraged me.I don't care what the whole world thinks or says.I only care for me right now. Because I deserve a better life than this and you too.Forget the whole world.Ignore what they say.What really counts is what are you going to do for you and not for someone else. Depression sucks.You feel as if it's eating you alive. However, if you keep doing the same things you'll get the same results. Nothing will change unless you change it.I've long lived my life crying to sleep.Each and every single night.I felt like I was in along dark tunnel.I was relying on anti-depressants and they seemed not to work. What I failed to see was that I was relying on everything and everyone to pull me out of my darkness.I used to blame God for being here. Blame my parents for their mistakes. Blame the world for being too cruel.I was always dreaming of someone who can support me and understand me. Since then I stopped dreaming and started working on myself.I stopped expecting the world to be a perfect world with perfect people.I can't control these things.I can control my reaction. It's not enough to want something. You have to work for it. Feeling sorry for yourself will help you dig deeper down. You can't rely on the meds to get you out of your depression. You have to help them and make them work.I truly believe that no one will love me more than I love myself.If I want them to love me and accept me ,I have to accept myself first.I am who I am period.I amy have so many character defects but I also know that I have a lot to offer to this world. Only if I give myself the opportunity to do that. I am certain that no matter deep down I am God will always be there for me.You can always start with therapy.You are so Worth IT.You're such a sweet lady.You deserve to live a happy life.
Love
Jane
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
(((Least)))
Take some deep breaths and try to let go of some of the pain. Just do your best with all your problems and stop judging yourself so harshly.
I do it too, I am my own worst enemy. Part of recovery is learning to be a friend to yourself.
Take some deep breaths and try to let go of some of the pain. Just do your best with all your problems and stop judging yourself so harshly.
I do it too, I am my own worst enemy. Part of recovery is learning to be a friend to yourself.
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