Stormy1119

well I went to idaho.. and I drank.. and i fell in love while I was there (actually I was already in love, the visit just confirmed it).

Right now, the only way I can keep from missing him and being sad is to drink.. and thats okay w/ me... i'm not drinking til I black out, which is an improvement. I actually was able to go out this week to a bar and not drink at all.

I guess I haven't reached rock bottom (despite many times thinking i had). God only knows what that will be. 6 - 16 oz beer and a vicodin wasn't enough tonight...

CarolD

Please be careful about mixing drugs and alcohol.
Thats so risky.

Hope you will soon decide to quit both.
There is so much to lose with active addiction.

serenityqueen

I'm a bit confused, are you drinking because:

Your love was returned and you miss this man?

Your love was rejected and you miss this man?

or is it that you're an alcoholic.

You mentioned that you thought you had hit your bottom before but you guess not.

Yes, only God knows what you're bottom will be, but that's if you choose to keep drinking. You mentioned that you aren't drinking to the point of not blacking out. Not yet.

I can only offer Prayers and hope that you get help before it's too late.


God Bless,
Judy

least

I hope your 'rock bottom' isn't a big granite rock with your name on it.

barb dwyer

My agreement is with Carol -

There's so many other things in this world to center one's life around than alcohol.

Dean62

Being ok with drinking to numb feelings is serious. Most people don't do that.

Not for long.

Sounds fun.

It will be worse. I hope you are ready for it.

It never will be again.

Stormy I'm not trying to be mean. You are reaching out and this is a good place for that. Please read more posts and take the help that is offered. Don't do it alone.

indigo

Yes I too agree with Carol and Barb there are lots more productive things to do than mixing alcohol and drugs, I have experience of it. Walking is a great stress beater.

Anna

You can learn new and better ways to deal with stress.

warrens

Well, I live in Idaho and someone once came to see me. We fell in love. We remained apart (2,000 miles apart) for some time.

Yes, it is hard. Yes I drank. We sleep together now. And I am sober.

But, because of my drinking once she moved here, I almost lost the love of my life. No fireworks, no rage, just fear on her part. Justified fear. That I served two lovers and she was losing.

The pain of being in love and being so far apart is almost as bad as losing a love. There is a constant vacancy in one's heart. It is far easier simply to be alone in the world.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow." I don't agree. It is mostly sorrow when love is young and people are apart. It hurts.

But relationships and addiction do not mix, Stormy. I am one of those who believes that alcoholism isn't an -ism without personal and professional and societal relationships. Take away relationships and alcohol is just one of many things that could kill us.

I was a recovering alcoholic when I met M'lady. New love at 55. I wanted so much to have a "normal" celebratory courtship and new life together. You know, fine dinners and wine, hiking and climbing, and microbrews. Doing things lovers do.

But I am not normal. I relapsed into old patterns. Slowly, my other lover grew to occupy our log cabin. And there wasn't room for the three of us. Being a wise woman with a lot to give, M'lady began to realize that her happiness could not abide the intruder. She loved herself and me too much.

It caused me grief that we could no longer do what "young" lovers do. Share a bottle of wine. Get giddy and make love. But then there is nothing giddy about not remembering the night before. I still grieve a bit when Susan enjoys her wine-responsibly. But I don't grieve what we rescued. We still have our young love. I still have her. My other lover grieves for me.

It is ironic, isn't it that we drink to celebrate and drink to dull the pain of separation? And drink to combat stress. Drink to cope with boredom. Is life meant to live "flatlined" all the time? I know now that it is not.

Now or later, if you are like many of us, alcohol will cause you more grief than you wish to deal with. It will doom your love. It will sleep between you. It will turn joyousness into pain. You will lose the real love in your life if you do not choose.

I was (am) a lucky dude indeed. I found the truth in time. We can have but one lover to serve. And I chose the one who gives me joy and not spiritual and perhaps physical death.

Good luck with your new love. It is the best thing imaginable. I know how it feels. But new love is based upon potential. That is what we see in the other. Will the reality live up to that? It cannot unless you are free to love him completely.

warren

MagicMan08

I too fell off the wagon and spent most of yesterday afternoon in a relative blackout. I know for me, it starts with a little but the blackouts and pain caught up with me really fast. I agree whole heartedly with what everyone here has said to you stormy, as someone once said one is too many and a thousand is never enough. Good luck...

Stormy1119

Thank you all for your posts.

Drinking is not the answer and I know this.. as I drove tonight to the liquor store.. almost in a semi-Pucking mood til I got there..hands trembeling all the way.. I realized this is NOT the way I want to live my life. No "normal" person has one little sad event happen and then can think of nothing but getting f'ed up. I tried to turn around on the way to the liquor store.. and did 3 time times.. but all 3 times..i turned the car around and headed back..talk about insaniity

I'm too far gone tonight to worry about.. but once this bottle of rum is gone..tomorrow, I'm gonna try to change... if only I could find somethng worth living for it would make it so much easier.

warrens

Am I missing something?

Thought you were newly in love? If so, is that not a reason to consider sobriety?

Of course, an even better reason would be to simply be who you are.

I hope you can find sufficient reason to live.

Best to you,

warren

suki44883

Stormy, only YOU will know when it is time to really attempt sobriety. You cannot do it if you do it for anyone or anything else except yourself. You can't do it for your family, you can't do it for your children, or your job or anything else except for yourself. Also, I cannot stress enough the importance of going to a detox center. I know there are several people here who did it on their own; however, in a detox center, they have medications and round the clock care to help you get through the withdrawals. You will also have others around you going through the same things and you will find yourself bonding with many of them since no one is judging you and you can talk about your experiences with alcohol and they will completely understand.

ImJulie

At my meeting last night we all had a moments silence for this guy who slipped........
He slipped right into a coffin.

Freedom1990

I clearly remember, before I started drinking again after 4 years of sobriety, that I was just going to tie one on once. It was just going to be one big blowout, one night, and then I'd hop back into recovery.

Once again I had allowed the alcoholic to come forward in my mind, and she was driving the bus all the way to hell, shrieking with glee.

After two months of binging and being filled with fear, guilt, shame, and confusion, I quit 'trying', dropped to my knees, and asked for help. I admitted once again that I was powerless over alcohol.

Today, I have two daughters in active alcoholism. My ex-husband died last year of complications from AIDS.

God don't make no junk, and I am worthy of recovery in spite of what is going on around me.

I start college classes on June 2nd, and will graduate with a double degree when I am done. I am almost 50 years old.

There is hope, but none of us can do the work for you. God has given you free will, and you've allowed your free will to pick up the alcohol again.

I will keep you in my prayers.

MagicMan08

i donno, it all depends on how bad you want it I guess. like the others have said, what is your low you have to reach to CHANGE for the better. best of luck to you, and myself included....

Tazman53

Keep in mind that tomorrow never comes!!!!

When we stop drinking we stop drinking today!!!! Not tomorrow!!!!

Stormy1119

Thanks for all the posts. Even if It seems like I am not, I am listening.

The simple fact is i'm f'ed up in the head.. and until I can see a psych again, I just don't know that I'll find a reason worth living. But psychiatrist cost money, which I dont' have.

ImJulie

Oh stormy....if I had waited to attempt recovery I might be dead today.
I had every reason in the world.....one of them being the same as yours. I didnt have enough money for a shrink.
Yet here I am....61 days clean and sober.
You can do this.

slash

hitting rock bottom as a necessary prerequiste to recovery is a myth...and one that has taken many lives. Please don't wait.