MagicMan08

I have manged to drink....before work. I have found a loop-hole to drink and get away with it at work, providing nothing bad happens, no one will notice. I have been wreckless tho, I have not packed mouthwash and gum. But I can drink here, because my family or girlfriend won't question it. And I will be "sober" by the time the next staff comes in, and good enough to drive on my temporary license. (leans down and puts hands over eyes) this was a hard post to make here.....it really was (puts head in hands again) but I think it is best for me to do this.

I have turned my drinking at work today anyway into two 24 oz beers and two large mixed drinks of vodka as my parents sit in the next room. It is so sick how I can come to this. My ex-gf came and hung out with me at work tonight and it was great, meanwhile I had a litre of vodka that I was worried about her discovering in the ice out box of the refridgerator. Where she would never go. I have found myself starting to obsess over whether I will have enough money to get my next drink, and where I can get it.

What is wrong with me? My loved ones are becoming sick and tired of me relapsing and causing them problems. Sick and tired of driving and picking me up from work because I had no license. My brother won't even talk to me...

I am drinking right now, so I feel alright....my parents haven't busted in....but they won't.......(puts head in hands) There comes a certain point where you are sick and tired they say..............but I still come back. I really feel like I am the jaywalker from the AA book....keeps on fu*king up even tho is fu*ks him up in the process.

I feel so bad because I have been through Hazelden, and two other treatments......and I know I can only hide this for so long before I lose control and end up losing my job and when they find out I was drinking my family (place to stay) and my ex-girlfriend.....because she has faith in me that I can get away from this....and to be blunt she is fricken hott.....and I love it

Freedom1990

Apparently you aren't sick and tired enough yet, my friend.

I had to go back out and drink again after 4 years, and once again, alcohol had to kick my arse.

The insanity of alcoholism will gladly ride on our shoulders right into the gates of hell, shrieking wildly with glee.

I don't know where your bottom is. I know where mine was, and should I choose to pick up that first drink again, they will be shoveling dirt over me, no doubt.

ImJulie

The jig will be up sooner or later.
You have the choice of when to come clean and quit carrying this guilt around.
I hope its sooner rather than later. Many many folks simply dont find their way back to recovery. Booze clouds the way and they get lost.

MagicMan08

I want to get it so bad.........because I know I have a story of crap I have been through to pass on to YOUNGER people......but I can't manage....

I don't know...this is the only place i am comfortable with sharing something like this. I know the internet isn't the solution to anything but darn it....i need to get this sooner or later....but like I said......I think I will die sooner or later here, because my relapses have not gotten smaller

I am struggling bad

ImJulie

The "story" that we hopefully get to pass on is one of experience, strength and hope.
Hate to tell ya my friend...but you apparantly need some of the strength and hope part.
Anyone can do drunkalogues.

least

Perhaps you just aren't ready to stop drinking yet. Perhaps you've not hit your 'bottom' yet. When you are truly ready to quit drinking, you will quit. Til then you'll play your dangerous game. I hope everything comes out alright for you. :praying

Spiritual Seeker

Get to a meeting every single day. You know what to do, just do it.
Right now turn this impending train wreck around. You have all that you need to be sober but reach out. Call your sponsor or get one.

Anna

Hi MagicMan,

It's awful being caught up in the throes of addiction, but you are the one who can stop it. Make a change and do something different today. Get rid of the alcohol. You can do that!

Ananda

I don't know if you have any interest in support groups in your area, but when I was drinking and trying to go to meetings I had two people I was willing (drunk) to share what was going on with. They told me to go to meetings but not talk...just listen if I was currently drunk, tipsy whatever.

Eventually I went to treatment, not really believing it would work...and it did. My brother has been to treatment 7-12 times. I've lost count. But yesterday he and I both had our 9 mos sober birthday! He got drunk, couldn't drive me to treatment and both of us stopped that day.

There is always hope, but as Julie said - don't die!

ImJulie

Magic....have you tried just dropping to your knees and sincerely asking for help?
You dont even have to believe in a higher power. You just have to have a willingness to believe.

MagicMan08

(tears welling up in eyes) I think I am the one of the few who are incapable of grasping these simple measures.

Seriously..........I have tried so many times. And i don't even have to post hours.......my story can make sober people pass out.........my ex gf faint.....i am ****** up and a failure.....seriously i have done this so many times

all of you are wonderful...and have so many good things to say....i kind of feel there is hope along the rainbow of life

Freedom1990

My recovery began when I gave up the fight, when I quit living with both fists up and fighting the world around me, when I admitted complete and utter defeat to alcoholism. I ceased to fight anything and anyone around me!

My strength in sobriety came with my admission and acceptance of powerlessness over alcohol, and that my life had become unmanageable.

Rather than greeting life now with fists up, I have both hands open, palms turned upwards, and asking my higher power for guidance throughout the day.

MagicMan08

Anyone have aim or anything?

bugsworth

Magic, I am sorry you are hurting...your pain resonates. You are NOT incapable of grasping anything! Don't even for a second believe it is hopeless, it is not. 51anna is right...you are the only one that can make this change.

ImJulie

Yes..or as I heard someone else so eloquently put it here on SR
"Just lay down damnit!"

Freedom1990

I have ***** messenger, user name Tenderheartsks

mle-sober

MagicMan,

Turn this situation around!! You can do it! If you've been through Hazelden and 2 other programs, you know the steps to take. Take a deep breath, ask your Higher Power for help and then tell your family you need help. It takes courage but it is the only right thing to do. Surrender, again. Just surrender.

I'm praying for you.

MagicMan08

thanks MLE! you have helped me so much! as well as the others.......I must recognize mle-sober, freedom1990, imjuie, bugsworth, ananda, 51 anna, spiritual seeker, and least. (wrenches out my cloth)

MagicMan08

they say it is the best place in the world to go.....and god darn it i do have the ways to fix things

vashti45

Magic: don't give up hope; just give up drinking. Which, btw, I tried to do a zillion times by myself, and failed. I only have 36 days, but Wow. I am a different person, or rather I am my true self now. Go to as many meetings as you can. You may need 4 or 5 in a day. Get a sober friend in your area pronto; get a sponsor. Go to meetings and don't drink between meetings. If you still can't stop, try to find someone to chaperone you between meetings. Your life depends on it, my friend. I'm sending you strength with this post (hands in prayer position right now). I will talk to my sponsor today and she will pray for you too. PM me if you'd like to talk by phone.

Peace,

Jana:praying