I have relapsed bad...but my loved ones have no clue
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
You know the hangovers kill me, but it is the emotional hangover that really kills me. It tears me up inside, because I always do and say stupid crap when I chose to drink now. Its like I turn into this monster, and the guilt and shame is intense
Thanks for all of your thoughts and support, reading this thread helps me in unspeakable ways.
I am excited for my meeting tonight, I think I am going to dust off my experience strength and hope book and read some stories in that today....
Thanks for all of your thoughts and support, reading this thread helps me in unspeakable ways.
I am excited for my meeting tonight, I think I am going to dust off my experience strength and hope book and read some stories in that today....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Magic
I think you may need a good shot of the first step and a good man cry as a chaser.
I don't care what approach to sobriety one takes, one must do the equivalent of the first step. I don't think you are there yet, MM. This isn't meant to be critical or judgmental. You seem to be aware that there is a problem, but you don't quite "own" it yet. The jokes and sarcasm are just a foil for something intensely serious.
My suggestion? Read all that there is here on the first step. Nandm and others have provided a wealth of stuff. My first time around I now realize I never came to terms with the "powerless" stuff. Me powerless? Not me.
A lot of people think that one must hit absolute bottom. God, I hope that isn't true in all cases. I've lost a lot, but still have much more to give to the demon, should he want it.
I really feel for the young males who show up here for the first time every week. Society has been very effective in equating drinking with good times and gratification of all types. All the commercials are based on associating our fundamental human needs with a cool one. Intimacy, belonging, friendship, self esteem, sex, achievement, confidence, achievement... Man, they are good.
Us old farts have less of a need for that stuff. At least we know that it doesn't come in a bottle. We drink to get DRUNK. We drink because so much of that stuff was a cruel joke.
I ask you to believe only one thing. That the course of your disease is written in stone. As an active alcoholic, you are probably now the BEST you are going to be. I know it is hard to admit for a young dude. It was for me. My slide took decades, but it came.
But you are hitting it way harder than I did. The slope of your graph could be steeper. I had three kids, a wife, a couple of tours through graduate school, and a demanding career to limit my "opportunities." But the inevitable caught up with me.
In some ways you are fortunate. I wish I'd been "forced" into a first step situation at your age. I could have avoided a lot of wreckage. I thought my life was "manageable." What could have been, I'll never know.
Hope I've made some sense. I was good at taking sage advice at your age, but not about drinking. I kept that subject at bay. So did my cohorts and enablers.
When it comes to recovery, I'm still a young dude. So, I read and I listen. There's a lot of wisdom here. I learn from guys like you, from those in real recovery, and those who have attained what I want. I am fortunate that I don't have a lot of decades to play with. Someday has to be now for me. And so it is...
warren
I think you may need a good shot of the first step and a good man cry as a chaser.
I don't care what approach to sobriety one takes, one must do the equivalent of the first step. I don't think you are there yet, MM. This isn't meant to be critical or judgmental. You seem to be aware that there is a problem, but you don't quite "own" it yet. The jokes and sarcasm are just a foil for something intensely serious.
My suggestion? Read all that there is here on the first step. Nandm and others have provided a wealth of stuff. My first time around I now realize I never came to terms with the "powerless" stuff. Me powerless? Not me.
A lot of people think that one must hit absolute bottom. God, I hope that isn't true in all cases. I've lost a lot, but still have much more to give to the demon, should he want it.
I really feel for the young males who show up here for the first time every week. Society has been very effective in equating drinking with good times and gratification of all types. All the commercials are based on associating our fundamental human needs with a cool one. Intimacy, belonging, friendship, self esteem, sex, achievement, confidence, achievement... Man, they are good.
Us old farts have less of a need for that stuff. At least we know that it doesn't come in a bottle. We drink to get DRUNK. We drink because so much of that stuff was a cruel joke.
I ask you to believe only one thing. That the course of your disease is written in stone. As an active alcoholic, you are probably now the BEST you are going to be. I know it is hard to admit for a young dude. It was for me. My slide took decades, but it came.
But you are hitting it way harder than I did. The slope of your graph could be steeper. I had three kids, a wife, a couple of tours through graduate school, and a demanding career to limit my "opportunities." But the inevitable caught up with me.
In some ways you are fortunate. I wish I'd been "forced" into a first step situation at your age. I could have avoided a lot of wreckage. I thought my life was "manageable." What could have been, I'll never know.
Hope I've made some sense. I was good at taking sage advice at your age, but not about drinking. I kept that subject at bay. So did my cohorts and enablers.
When it comes to recovery, I'm still a young dude. So, I read and I listen. There's a lot of wisdom here. I learn from guys like you, from those in real recovery, and those who have attained what I want. I am fortunate that I don't have a lot of decades to play with. Someday has to be now for me. And so it is...
warren
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I cannot offer more wisdom, strength, and encouragement than has already been offered. You are worth it. Fight for your life, cause it IS your life. Or your death. And death doesn't always mean not living.
I hope for the best for you.
I hope for the best for you.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
"You seem to be aware that there is a problem, but you don't quite "own" it yet."
- Warren
MagicMan,
I can't agree more with the above. You've got to make a serious shift, it seems to me, to really get sober. I don't know what that shift will look like and feel like to you. But in your posts (whether you were drunk or not) you have a tone of exceptance and finality - as if you think this thing is just happening to you and you can't control it.
Different people feel differently about this, but I believe you have complete control over that first drink. And after that, the devil moves in. But that first drink, you have to own that one. And maybe you do and maybe you don't - I can't know your inner workings. But what it reads like, whether your're drunk or sober, is that you don't really own that first drink. Guilt and shame are just distractions, sometimes, from getting on to the work at hand.
If, since your drunken night when you were posting here, you have not had another drink, you are on day 1. Count it. Own it. Make it to Day 2. And take the help you have to find Day 3. Each day matters immensely. And you can say no to that first drink. The further away you get from drunk, the more power you have. That's how it felt to me.
Being a sober is completely your choice. I'm still rooting for you each day.
- MLE
- Warren
MagicMan,
I can't agree more with the above. You've got to make a serious shift, it seems to me, to really get sober. I don't know what that shift will look like and feel like to you. But in your posts (whether you were drunk or not) you have a tone of exceptance and finality - as if you think this thing is just happening to you and you can't control it.
Different people feel differently about this, but I believe you have complete control over that first drink. And after that, the devil moves in. But that first drink, you have to own that one. And maybe you do and maybe you don't - I can't know your inner workings. But what it reads like, whether your're drunk or sober, is that you don't really own that first drink. Guilt and shame are just distractions, sometimes, from getting on to the work at hand.
If, since your drunken night when you were posting here, you have not had another drink, you are on day 1. Count it. Own it. Make it to Day 2. And take the help you have to find Day 3. Each day matters immensely. And you can say no to that first drink. The further away you get from drunk, the more power you have. That's how it felt to me.
Being a sober is completely your choice. I'm still rooting for you each day.
- MLE
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Posts: 88
Hi Magic:
I too have been through many treatment programs and rehabs and went back out in the past...so I can relate to this completely.
In a nutshell, I had to surrender a heart beat at a time. alcohol (and drugs) is a liar and a thief, it makes you believe everything is warm and fuzzy, and pretends to be your best friend, but in the end, it steals everything, your love, your hope, your spirit, and your dreams, it only wants miserable and ultimately it wants you dead my friend. It is progressive and it is fatal. This last time I went out, I lost everything and found myself sleeping on cardboard without a dime in my pocket...I nearly died out there in the streets. Please don't let it take you there...it sucks, Man!!!
I too have been through many treatment programs and rehabs and went back out in the past...so I can relate to this completely.
In a nutshell, I had to surrender a heart beat at a time. alcohol (and drugs) is a liar and a thief, it makes you believe everything is warm and fuzzy, and pretends to be your best friend, but in the end, it steals everything, your love, your hope, your spirit, and your dreams, it only wants miserable and ultimately it wants you dead my friend. It is progressive and it is fatal. This last time I went out, I lost everything and found myself sleeping on cardboard without a dime in my pocket...I nearly died out there in the streets. Please don't let it take you there...it sucks, Man!!!
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
So I called my ex when I was drinking yesterday, she knew right away by my voice, and she never ever wants to see me again. I probably wouldn't have done this, but I chipped my front tooth on a beer bottle and was freaking out. So she asked me several times if I had been drinking and I lied to her....so I talked to her today and after 10 minutes after she said she doesn't wanna see me again if I don't tell her the truth....so I did and she doesn't wanna ever see me again and reminded me how much of a loser I am and that I have nothing to offer anyone right now. And I repeatedly told her that when I am drinking or using, I am that person.
She said that if I love and respect her and her wishes, it will be to leave her alone and not call her or text her again and said if she wants to talk to me or see me, she will call or come see me. This is really hard on me today and I have cried several times today already, and I never used to cry. I begged with her not to go out and see anyone, but I think I will grant her her wishes and leave her alone.
Just chiming in I guess....I am sad, I really love this woman and she is the "one" Going to my meeting tonight....I need to get out of this whirlpool.
I hate posting my mess ups when all these wonderful people are helping me out and guiding me along....I just noticed this entire last year since around February of 07 I have been trying to recover. And it has been hell...but like all of you wonderful people have told me already, there is a better life out there waiting for me, and continuing to drink is not the right choice. I am on Day 1, ladies and gentleman. Not drinking, just for today.
With my legal problems and this mess I am in, it is just too much. I am playing Behind Blue Eyes and all kind of other sad songs today....it has to get better....
she told me so many times, don't drink and I am yours....the insanity
Sorry for continuing to relapse despite all of your great posts of experience strength and hope, it does help. A lot... I really have no one else to talk to now except you guys and my immediate family who is also getting very sick and tired of this constant cycle....
She said that if I love and respect her and her wishes, it will be to leave her alone and not call her or text her again and said if she wants to talk to me or see me, she will call or come see me. This is really hard on me today and I have cried several times today already, and I never used to cry. I begged with her not to go out and see anyone, but I think I will grant her her wishes and leave her alone.
Just chiming in I guess....I am sad, I really love this woman and she is the "one" Going to my meeting tonight....I need to get out of this whirlpool.
I hate posting my mess ups when all these wonderful people are helping me out and guiding me along....I just noticed this entire last year since around February of 07 I have been trying to recover. And it has been hell...but like all of you wonderful people have told me already, there is a better life out there waiting for me, and continuing to drink is not the right choice. I am on Day 1, ladies and gentleman. Not drinking, just for today.
With my legal problems and this mess I am in, it is just too much. I am playing Behind Blue Eyes and all kind of other sad songs today....it has to get better....
she told me so many times, don't drink and I am yours....the insanity
Sorry for continuing to relapse despite all of your great posts of experience strength and hope, it does help. A lot... I really have no one else to talk to now except you guys and my immediate family who is also getting very sick and tired of this constant cycle....
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Magic Man,
I don't know what to say here - I'm kind of baffled. I mean, I am proud of you for Day 1. Don't get me wrong. I'm so glad you are not drinking today.
But for God's sake man, how can you be asking your ex-girlfriend to be sympathetic right now? First of all, she's an ex. She want to be left alone. You are drinking and lying to her. One day and correcting one lie doesn't change that! You sound like an emotional bully.
Second of all, you need to focus on recovery. You're so fragile right now you need to avoid all triggers and shift gears. Getting into it with your ex, playing sad songs and generally commiserating with your lonely sad self (this is commonly called feeling sorry for yourself) is just going to lead you right back to the door of hell.
I have hope because you said, "Going to my meeting tonight....I need to get out of this whirlpool." I think that's the most important thing you said in the post above. You have one foot in and one foot out. Keep going in the right direction and stop giving yourself so much fodder to stop and go the other way. This means grab ahold of your strongest inner self and get to know him again.
I believe in you. And I'm holding my breath in hopes that you stay sober and that you mind it in you to shift out of this sorrowful place and into a place of strength and committment. You can do it.
- MLE
p.s. There are other women out there who will find you infinately more attractive when you have some sobriety under your belt. Even the ex, if you leave her alone while you pursue sobriety, might be more interested if you stopped freaking her out and came back to her after you were seriously sober.
I don't know what to say here - I'm kind of baffled. I mean, I am proud of you for Day 1. Don't get me wrong. I'm so glad you are not drinking today.
But for God's sake man, how can you be asking your ex-girlfriend to be sympathetic right now? First of all, she's an ex. She want to be left alone. You are drinking and lying to her. One day and correcting one lie doesn't change that! You sound like an emotional bully.
Second of all, you need to focus on recovery. You're so fragile right now you need to avoid all triggers and shift gears. Getting into it with your ex, playing sad songs and generally commiserating with your lonely sad self (this is commonly called feeling sorry for yourself) is just going to lead you right back to the door of hell.
I have hope because you said, "Going to my meeting tonight....I need to get out of this whirlpool." I think that's the most important thing you said in the post above. You have one foot in and one foot out. Keep going in the right direction and stop giving yourself so much fodder to stop and go the other way. This means grab ahold of your strongest inner self and get to know him again.
I believe in you. And I'm holding my breath in hopes that you stay sober and that you mind it in you to shift out of this sorrowful place and into a place of strength and committment. You can do it.
- MLE
p.s. There are other women out there who will find you infinately more attractive when you have some sobriety under your belt. Even the ex, if you leave her alone while you pursue sobriety, might be more interested if you stopped freaking her out and came back to her after you were seriously sober.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
Stop drinking, work a program, and you life will fall into place. It won't happen over night. It takes time. The results may not be exactly as you planned or what you hope for (losing girlfriend) but life can become manageable again.
I'm still cleaning up the wreckage of my past. My financial situation is atrocious, but I am making headway, bit by bit, day by day. I never have to wake up with shame or regret. By eliminating alcohol, the stupid stuff I regretted disappeared along with it.
The best advice I can give you is to come up with a workable plan. What are you willing to do to become sober and how can you implement it? Today, I am a grateful alcoholic. Sounds crazy, I know, but it is true. The soul searching and the healing I have done have brought me to a place I never thought imaginable. Never give up. Sobriety is a gift.
I'm still cleaning up the wreckage of my past. My financial situation is atrocious, but I am making headway, bit by bit, day by day. I never have to wake up with shame or regret. By eliminating alcohol, the stupid stuff I regretted disappeared along with it.
The best advice I can give you is to come up with a workable plan. What are you willing to do to become sober and how can you implement it? Today, I am a grateful alcoholic. Sounds crazy, I know, but it is true. The soul searching and the healing I have done have brought me to a place I never thought imaginable. Never give up. Sobriety is a gift.
A.M.D.G.
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 49
I read through this thread and it fascinated me! It encompasses my entire drinking career (well... so far at least) into a few days it seems.
Drinking. Drinking and then lying about it. Drinking and then lying about it and wanting to confess what I had done. Drinking, lying, and wanting an instant solution by confessing. Drinking, lying, wanting an instant solution, and coming here to confess. (Which turned out to be a good thing actually!)
I do not have the ex-girlfriend problem of course, but I had other ones that lead me to believe I would never get out of the mess. Now I'm trying to do things to change that. It is not perfect, but it is better than it was.
Coming here was a good start for me, but I had to do a lot more. None of them were very difficult, but they were certainly hard to begin or do on my own.
Pax,
Dietrich
Drinking. Drinking and then lying about it. Drinking and then lying about it and wanting to confess what I had done. Drinking, lying, and wanting an instant solution by confessing. Drinking, lying, wanting an instant solution, and coming here to confess. (Which turned out to be a good thing actually!)
I do not have the ex-girlfriend problem of course, but I had other ones that lead me to believe I would never get out of the mess. Now I'm trying to do things to change that. It is not perfect, but it is better than it was.
Coming here was a good start for me, but I had to do a lot more. None of them were very difficult, but they were certainly hard to begin or do on my own.
Pax,
Dietrich
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