I have relapsed bad...but my loved ones have no clue
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
my natural...please don't take offense............i need to work some things out.....please PM me if you want to talk
Last edited by CarolD; 04-26-2008 at 01:30 PM. Reason: Removed Phone Number
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Amesbury, MA
Posts: 16
Hang in there Magic Man---I hear where you're coming from. I spent 3 years in international and national rehab programs, all of which promised "a cure" or a way of facing this behemoth responsibly. It's true that everyone says you will hit a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired...that point is intangible and can happen after your sick, tired, and dead. Don't wait---learn from those that have gone before you, and JUST KEEP TRYING. I've watched it work for people, and it must be able to work for a freak like me. Peace brother,
-Skye
-Skye
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey MagicMan08 ---
One thing I've noticed in your post, and in many of your other posts is all your negativity.....:
"... I think it is best for me to do this..." --- Was this in reference to your drinking at work and keeping it hidden from your family.....?
"...What is wrong with me?..I really feel like I am the jaywalker from the AA book....keeps on fu*king up even tho is fu*ks him up in the process..." --- What's wrong with you? nothing cept'n you're an alcoholic.....welcome to the club!!! BUT, there is a solution. (o:
"...I feel so bad because I have been through Hazelden, and two other treatments...and I know I can only hide this for so long before I lose control and end up losing my job..." --- so, you go through another (like Hazelden), or just go to AA and get into the center of it, with a sponsor, step work, fellowship, and service work..... (o:
"...I want to get it so bad...but I can't manage...I think I will die sooner or later here, because my relapses have not gotten smaller I am struggling bad..." --- (see below)
"...I think I am the one of the few who are incapable of grasping these simple measures...I have tried so many times. And i don't even have to post hours.......my story can make sober people pass out.........my ex gf faint.....i am ****** up and a failure..." -(see below) ...and btw, I'm willing to bet that your story is not so much different from a lot of recovered/recovering folks.....we may be individuals and unique in our own ways, but lets keep away from that nasty 'termnal uniqueness' .... lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK.....enough of the nevativity.....that's all lies; that's the disease talking. One thing that was suggested to me when I was in a negative slump was to write up some affirmations and substiture them for my negative self-slams.
I know that we hear a lot in AA, from a lot of AAer's about.....fake it till you make it.....and you can't think your way into right actions; you need to act your way into right thinking......again, another lie. Even if we don't realize it, there can be no action if there isn't a thought before it.....actions follow thought, NOT the other way 'round.
Remember what Rene Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Solomon, in all his wisdom said, "As a man thinketh, so he is." What goes around, comes around; Unity Church of Christianity has a wonderful little principle....: The Law of Mind Action, which states.....:
"Thoughts held in mind, produce after their kind." Basically, that just means that what I think is how I am.....if I think I'm going to have a bad, I probably will, and the opposite is also true; when I think I'm going to have a good day, I do.
Usually when someone says to me that they can't make it sober; they just can't.....well, my response is usually, "You're absolutely right; with that negative attitude, you probably won't be able to get and/or stay sober.....but there is a solution to that..... (o:
BUT.....what I'm trying to say to you; my wee suggestion would be.....forget about the relapse.....put it out of your mind; it's past....stay in the day....and make up some positive affirmations (redundant, I know) for yourself...and remember, affirmations are NOT saying positive things in order to make them true, BUT they are saying positive things because they ARE true, and we've just forgotten; we need a wee gentle reminder..... (o:
I hope this has helped in some small way.....just keep in the day; after all, it is a present......! (o:
NoelleR
One thing I've noticed in your post, and in many of your other posts is all your negativity.....:
"... I think it is best for me to do this..." --- Was this in reference to your drinking at work and keeping it hidden from your family.....?
"...What is wrong with me?..I really feel like I am the jaywalker from the AA book....keeps on fu*king up even tho is fu*ks him up in the process..." --- What's wrong with you? nothing cept'n you're an alcoholic.....welcome to the club!!! BUT, there is a solution. (o:
"...I feel so bad because I have been through Hazelden, and two other treatments...and I know I can only hide this for so long before I lose control and end up losing my job..." --- so, you go through another (like Hazelden), or just go to AA and get into the center of it, with a sponsor, step work, fellowship, and service work..... (o:
"...I want to get it so bad...but I can't manage...I think I will die sooner or later here, because my relapses have not gotten smaller I am struggling bad..." --- (see below)
"...I think I am the one of the few who are incapable of grasping these simple measures...I have tried so many times. And i don't even have to post hours.......my story can make sober people pass out.........my ex gf faint.....i am ****** up and a failure..." -(see below) ...and btw, I'm willing to bet that your story is not so much different from a lot of recovered/recovering folks.....we may be individuals and unique in our own ways, but lets keep away from that nasty 'termnal uniqueness' .... lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK.....enough of the nevativity.....that's all lies; that's the disease talking. One thing that was suggested to me when I was in a negative slump was to write up some affirmations and substiture them for my negative self-slams.
I know that we hear a lot in AA, from a lot of AAer's about.....fake it till you make it.....and you can't think your way into right actions; you need to act your way into right thinking......again, another lie. Even if we don't realize it, there can be no action if there isn't a thought before it.....actions follow thought, NOT the other way 'round.
Remember what Rene Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Solomon, in all his wisdom said, "As a man thinketh, so he is." What goes around, comes around; Unity Church of Christianity has a wonderful little principle....: The Law of Mind Action, which states.....:
"Thoughts held in mind, produce after their kind." Basically, that just means that what I think is how I am.....if I think I'm going to have a bad, I probably will, and the opposite is also true; when I think I'm going to have a good day, I do.
Usually when someone says to me that they can't make it sober; they just can't.....well, my response is usually, "You're absolutely right; with that negative attitude, you probably won't be able to get and/or stay sober.....but there is a solution to that..... (o:
BUT.....what I'm trying to say to you; my wee suggestion would be.....forget about the relapse.....put it out of your mind; it's past....stay in the day....and make up some positive affirmations (redundant, I know) for yourself...and remember, affirmations are NOT saying positive things in order to make them true, BUT they are saying positive things because they ARE true, and we've just forgotten; we need a wee gentle reminder..... (o:
I hope this has helped in some small way.....just keep in the day; after all, it is a present......! (o:
NoelleR
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
((((Magic))))
I had bounced in and out of treatment, rehab, detox, ect. more times than I can honestly keep track of.
Each time I relapsed I tried to keep it from my Family as well.
When I finally hit my bottom HARD, my biggest fear of going back into much needed detox was worrying about what my Family was going to say.
Sure, they were disappointed but now, they are my biggest supporters.
You can't keep this game up, you know that.
This may sound harsh, but do you think you may be using their disappointment as an excuse to not get help?
I know I did.
You must be willing to go to any length.
God Bless,
Judy
I had bounced in and out of treatment, rehab, detox, ect. more times than I can honestly keep track of.
Each time I relapsed I tried to keep it from my Family as well.
When I finally hit my bottom HARD, my biggest fear of going back into much needed detox was worrying about what my Family was going to say.
Sure, they were disappointed but now, they are my biggest supporters.
You can't keep this game up, you know that.
This may sound harsh, but do you think you may be using their disappointment as an excuse to not get help?
I know I did.
You must be willing to go to any length.
God Bless,
Judy
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
well...having re-read everything i have posted....as well as all of you wonderful people....i have sobered up and am now at work. i am doing alright...trying to think positive 
but like all of you know it takes time. i sat down with my family and talked before i went to sleep, i am thankful to have such a loving family. it took a lot to simply post here that i had relapsed....simply because i didnt want to let everyone down. but i am prepared to dust myself off and become a stronger better man. kind of amazing how negative i can get sometimes... thank you all and god bless your recovery
but like all of you know it takes time. i sat down with my family and talked before i went to sleep, i am thankful to have such a loving family. it took a lot to simply post here that i had relapsed....simply because i didnt want to let everyone down. but i am prepared to dust myself off and become a stronger better man. kind of amazing how negative i can get sometimes... thank you all and god bless your recovery
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
I don't know....I still continue to drink after I get out of work....in small "controlled" amounts. But this is the same situation that led me to my DWI...started drinking a little bit, then polished off the whole bottle and drove.
It sucks, because I know I am hiding it. But not really, if I drink while my family is gone at work as I work a different schedule I can go to bed and be okay once they get home and make it to my aa meeting. Only a matter of time before I screw this up as well, I have learned that drinking at work is not a good idea, but if I...ah whatever......I am not struggling today, in fact I am doing great! But I cannot lie to this community whom I love and talk about so much......because I am cheating others then as well. I dnno what makes me think I can drink like this (all by myself, in front of my computer and my multitude of forums I belong to) mostly for my q9c cell phone, and this one.
Dammit, sometimes I cringe over reading long posts....I have to learn to go to sleep when I wanna drink.....because I also skip my meds for the time being so I don't mess myself up or something....but then I feel like crap at the end of the day. Large deep exhale...I donno I am doin okay today, but I know this has to stop. Before it gets worse, you know guys and gals.
It sucks, because I know I am hiding it. But not really, if I drink while my family is gone at work as I work a different schedule I can go to bed and be okay once they get home and make it to my aa meeting. Only a matter of time before I screw this up as well, I have learned that drinking at work is not a good idea, but if I...ah whatever......I am not struggling today, in fact I am doing great! But I cannot lie to this community whom I love and talk about so much......because I am cheating others then as well. I dnno what makes me think I can drink like this (all by myself, in front of my computer and my multitude of forums I belong to) mostly for my q9c cell phone, and this one.
Dammit, sometimes I cringe over reading long posts....I have to learn to go to sleep when I wanna drink.....because I also skip my meds for the time being so I don't mess myself up or something....but then I feel like crap at the end of the day. Large deep exhale...I donno I am doin okay today, but I know this has to stop. Before it gets worse, you know guys and gals.
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
I donno, it doesn't affect anyone....just a few drinks after work....well aka getting a solid buzz....then passing out........aka sleep, then going to work again
i cannot believe i double posted....i hate when i do that....i would have been better off starting a new thread....ugh
i cannot believe i double posted....i hate when i do that....i would have been better off starting a new thread....ugh
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 300
Magic Baby...I'm pretty new to this sobriety stuff so I don't have the answers yet, I will leave that in the hands of those who have much more time than I...but I wanted to share with you something that happened last night that I thought was..well..magical...I was out running errands...at 9 p.m.!! Sounds mundane, right? But Magic, I usually was not able to go anywhere after dark because of my habit..and it hit me, as I was cruising home with the windows rolled down (and dogs' heads stickin' out the windows, of course) and the wind rushing through the car that it had been years since I could safely run an errand at night, and I was so happy to be up off that couch and out in the world. Only an addict could truly understand what a gift such a simple thing can be. And in that moment I just felt so incredibly grateful that I thanked God right then and there..the high I got from just driving my car, sober, at night was better than my best drunk..and those moments are few and far between but when they happen they'll just take your breath away. So I guess for now I am just going to hope that you have many of those kinds of moments in the future (customized to you, of course, not to me) and just keep in mind if you can white knuckle it through the hard stuff, the feeling of safety and serenity you get as a reward greatly outweighs anything you can get from drinking. I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way!
HUGS,
fallin
HUGS,
fallin
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Magic the last thing I will do here is bash any path to sobriety!
Talk about negativity, bashing is about as negative as one can get and it can kill other people!!!
Magic keep searching for a path to sobriety, any path that works for you is the right path!!!
Avoid at all cost negativity, negativity is alcoholism talking!
Check out every path you can to sobriety, look for the posotive paths, not paths that bash other paths, but paths that are posotive paths, ones that support all paths that lead to sobriety for they parelell each other.
You seek a bottom? The bottom is up to you, your bottom is when you decide to quit digging and surrender your self to a program..... any program!!!! They all will work for someone ar they would not exist!
Keep in mind that recovery is love, not hate for another path to sobriety that works for others.
Seek out the posotive, being sober is being posotive, being sober is supporting others in their chosen path, sobriety is acceptance, not judging!
Magic there are a lot of paths to sobriety, the real secret to any of those paths is working at staying on the path, following all of the suggestions along the way of that path.
Magic AA worked for me, it does not work for everyone, try other programs, work them to the best of your ability, if you continue to struggle with a certain program find another one and work it the best you can.
Just do not give up, keep trying things until you find one that works.
Do not let the negativity of others kill you!
I support whole heartedly any program that helps an alcoholic get and stay sober.
I do not want to be responsible for killing someone by trashing any other program, especially those programs out there with a proven track record.
Talk about negativity, bashing is about as negative as one can get and it can kill other people!!!
Magic keep searching for a path to sobriety, any path that works for you is the right path!!!
Avoid at all cost negativity, negativity is alcoholism talking!
Check out every path you can to sobriety, look for the posotive paths, not paths that bash other paths, but paths that are posotive paths, ones that support all paths that lead to sobriety for they parelell each other.
You seek a bottom? The bottom is up to you, your bottom is when you decide to quit digging and surrender your self to a program..... any program!!!! They all will work for someone ar they would not exist!
Keep in mind that recovery is love, not hate for another path to sobriety that works for others.
Seek out the posotive, being sober is being posotive, being sober is supporting others in their chosen path, sobriety is acceptance, not judging!
Magic there are a lot of paths to sobriety, the real secret to any of those paths is working at staying on the path, following all of the suggestions along the way of that path.
Magic AA worked for me, it does not work for everyone, try other programs, work them to the best of your ability, if you continue to struggle with a certain program find another one and work it the best you can.
Just do not give up, keep trying things until you find one that works.
Do not let the negativity of others kill you!
I support whole heartedly any program that helps an alcoholic get and stay sober.
I do not want to be responsible for killing someone by trashing any other program, especially those programs out there with a proven track record.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Magic Man -
I think Falling Down's words are right on: "just keep in mind if you can white knuckle it through the hard stuff, the feeling of safety and serenity you get as a reward greatly outweighs anything you can get from drinking."
You are saying you're going to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. And be a better man for the lesson. Please listen to your own words. I know that you've got to have gained some wisdom and some tools in those programs. Use them. Now's the time.
Don't give up. It sounds like you're giving up. And making blantently alcoholic excuses. Do you think we don't know all those excuses? They are lies - lies lies lies. You can do this. Turning your back on sobriety at this point, after so much hard work, is kind of like slowly committing suicide in front of your family. Well, not kind of. It is. Don't do it.
Love to you. - Emilie
I think Falling Down's words are right on: "just keep in mind if you can white knuckle it through the hard stuff, the feeling of safety and serenity you get as a reward greatly outweighs anything you can get from drinking."
You are saying you're going to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. And be a better man for the lesson. Please listen to your own words. I know that you've got to have gained some wisdom and some tools in those programs. Use them. Now's the time.
Don't give up. It sounds like you're giving up. And making blantently alcoholic excuses. Do you think we don't know all those excuses? They are lies - lies lies lies. You can do this. Turning your back on sobriety at this point, after so much hard work, is kind of like slowly committing suicide in front of your family. Well, not kind of. It is. Don't do it.
Love to you. - Emilie
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
i love aa....i am in the process of calling other members now whom I think may be home....i called one....he didn't answer, i called another and he was still in bed...lol
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