This night
Idiot extraordinaire
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Dee74 
yeah, I hear ya HIGA...I just got worse and worse over 15 years or so...I fell down a lot too, which had a lot to do with me stopping in the end
D
D
We will do this together.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
I need to moan and whinge.
I work all the time. I work all day in my job. I hardly ever stop. I am establishing a new office for a large global company and its the first time they have been in NZ. It is a huge challenge and people who work with me are amazed at the complexity of it.
Then I come home every night and cook dinner and do laundry and put children in bed. I am a single Mum and we have a dog and cat and guinea pigs and 2 mice. I am always looking after other people and places and things.
I run around picking up and dropping off children, helping with homework and getting to meetings. I have no peace and serenity in my life whatsoever. And there seems to be no fun.
I get up a 5.30 or 6 in the morning to get some quiet time to spend on the programme. Then it's time to shower dress and get everyone ready for school. I feed the animals and I go to work. At lunchtime I go to a meeting so I don't drink and after work I just go home, cook dinner and maybe go to another meeting to try to stave off wanting to booze.
I have mortgage payments to make and bills to pay and when things go wrong with the house, I get out the ladder and fix it myself.
It's not just a craving for drink. It's a craving for escape. It's very much a "take this burden away" situation.
My treat is my hour in the morning to myself and a shower. At the end of the day, I flop into bed, exhausted but usually too stressed to sleep.
I know I should do more to change my life but I don't know how. This is my life. I want to drink so I don't have to live it any more. All I have with sobriety is the ability to manage this nightmare a little bit better.
Sorry to be so sorry for myself but my gratitude for this is very hard to find tonight. I am sick of this. I want some fun. Drinking was my escape and fun and it is calling to me. Shouting. Please help.
I work all the time. I work all day in my job. I hardly ever stop. I am establishing a new office for a large global company and its the first time they have been in NZ. It is a huge challenge and people who work with me are amazed at the complexity of it.
Then I come home every night and cook dinner and do laundry and put children in bed. I am a single Mum and we have a dog and cat and guinea pigs and 2 mice. I am always looking after other people and places and things.
I run around picking up and dropping off children, helping with homework and getting to meetings. I have no peace and serenity in my life whatsoever. And there seems to be no fun.
I get up a 5.30 or 6 in the morning to get some quiet time to spend on the programme. Then it's time to shower dress and get everyone ready for school. I feed the animals and I go to work. At lunchtime I go to a meeting so I don't drink and after work I just go home, cook dinner and maybe go to another meeting to try to stave off wanting to booze.
I have mortgage payments to make and bills to pay and when things go wrong with the house, I get out the ladder and fix it myself.
It's not just a craving for drink. It's a craving for escape. It's very much a "take this burden away" situation.
My treat is my hour in the morning to myself and a shower. At the end of the day, I flop into bed, exhausted but usually too stressed to sleep.
I know I should do more to change my life but I don't know how. This is my life. I want to drink so I don't have to live it any more. All I have with sobriety is the ability to manage this nightmare a little bit better.
Sorry to be so sorry for myself but my gratitude for this is very hard to find tonight. I am sick of this. I want some fun. Drinking was my escape and fun and it is calling to me. Shouting. Please help.
Idiot extraordinaire
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
I need to moan and whinge.
I work all the time. I work all day in my job. I hardly ever stop. I am establishing a new office for a large global company and its the first time they have been in NZ. It is a huge challenge and people who work with me are amazed at the complexity of it.
Then I come home every night and cook dinner and do laundry and put children in bed. I am a single Mum and we have a dog and cat and guinea pigs and 2 mice. I am always looking after other people and places and things.
I run around picking up and dropping off children and getting to meetings. I have no peace and serenity in my life whatsoever. And there seems to be no fun.
I get up a 5.30 or 6 in the morning to get some quiet time to spend on the programme. Then it's time to shower dress and get everyone ready for school. I feed the animals and I go to work. At lunchtime I go to a meeting so I don't drink and after work I just go home, cook dinner and maybe go to another meeting to try to stave off wanting to booze.
I have mortgage payments to make and bills to pay and when things go wrong with the house, I get out the ladder and fix it myself.
It's not just a craving for drink. It's a craving for escape. It's very much a "take this burden away" situation.
My treat is my hour in the morning to myself and a shower. At the end of the day, I flop into bed, exhausted but usually too stressed to sleep.
I know I should do more to change my life but I don't know how. This is my life. I want to drink so I don't have to live it any more. All I have with sobriety is the ability to manage this nightmare a little bit better.
Sorry to be so sorry for myself but my gratitude for this is very hard to find tonight. I am sick of this. I want some fun. Drinking was my escape and fun and it is calling to me. Shouting. Please help.
I work all the time. I work all day in my job. I hardly ever stop. I am establishing a new office for a large global company and its the first time they have been in NZ. It is a huge challenge and people who work with me are amazed at the complexity of it.
Then I come home every night and cook dinner and do laundry and put children in bed. I am a single Mum and we have a dog and cat and guinea pigs and 2 mice. I am always looking after other people and places and things.
I run around picking up and dropping off children and getting to meetings. I have no peace and serenity in my life whatsoever. And there seems to be no fun.
I get up a 5.30 or 6 in the morning to get some quiet time to spend on the programme. Then it's time to shower dress and get everyone ready for school. I feed the animals and I go to work. At lunchtime I go to a meeting so I don't drink and after work I just go home, cook dinner and maybe go to another meeting to try to stave off wanting to booze.
I have mortgage payments to make and bills to pay and when things go wrong with the house, I get out the ladder and fix it myself.
It's not just a craving for drink. It's a craving for escape. It's very much a "take this burden away" situation.
My treat is my hour in the morning to myself and a shower. At the end of the day, I flop into bed, exhausted but usually too stressed to sleep.
I know I should do more to change my life but I don't know how. This is my life. I want to drink so I don't have to live it any more. All I have with sobriety is the ability to manage this nightmare a little bit better.
Sorry to be so sorry for myself but my gratitude for this is very hard to find tonight. I am sick of this. I want some fun. Drinking was my escape and fun and it is calling to me. Shouting. Please help.
Pilgrim,
Wow what a large responsibilty you have, I'd want to escape too.
Drinking was my escape and still is (when I mess up) but the next day I feel this huge weight on my chest when I awake due to guilt. That guilt is not worth the getting drunk the night before.
It's okay to feel sorry for yourself IMO, no one can be strong all the time and not feel bad about their situation they're in.
You need a break........ fly to the USA and you can stay here.
I'm a travel freak, I love to travel but when I was drinking, that stifled my obsession. I'd love to go to NZ. I've been to London twice, Amsterdam and Scotland, all over the Caribbean, Hawaii and even rented a car in Scotland and drove on the wrong side of the road.
The second time I went to Europe, I ended up in an argument with the girlfriend I flew there with and I went off by myself to Scotland and Amsterdam.
That's pretty amazing since I used to have agoraphobia and a fear of flying. I used to have panic attacks just driving 15 miles from my home. That was back when I was sober and was getting quite a handle on some of my issues. That girlfriend I went to England with is one of the friends I've dropped because she's addicted to pain-killers and alcohol. She and I haven't spoken now in over 3 years. The weird thing is I started drinking after I stopped being around her so the opposite happened of what I had planned. I could tell I was weakening and needed to reassess my situation and friends. Oh well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
HIGA. Hun. You would be welcome to come to NZ but tonight I don't think I would be great company.
I want my haze back. My blanket of irresponsibility. I was a miserable drunk and now I am a miserable sober. I am not happy to have the highlight of my day being a meeting listening to other people go on about how they drank and drove and nearly killed someone and how they have to be in AA to do penance because othewise they are scared they will have to go to jail.
The big treat in my day now is managing to have an early night and enough time to cut my nails.
I want to party. I want to drop this weight on my shoulders and go and be silly and laugh and be irresponsible. I want to drink champagne and dance with my friends because I worked hard and did well. I am not happy that I have to be content with eating a sandwich in a cold church hall as my reward.
Maybe I didn't go down far enough to feel grateful enough for this. OMG. How far down do we need to be for this to take hold?
This thread started out so positive and grateful. I got lots of nice replies. I am being honest here that things aren't wonderful. Maybe you can see that I am losing my desire to not drink. Hasn't anyone else been through this and come out the other side still sober? Is this normal? If you are out there, please let me know it is possible to get through this. How long do I have to hang on? I need some hope here.
Where'd the pink cloud go and where is this fourth dimension I am supposed to be rocketed into? My sponsor doesn't keep her appointments and every time she says she is going to do something she doesn't. I am not sure I have faith in the programme any more.
I want my haze back. My blanket of irresponsibility. I was a miserable drunk and now I am a miserable sober. I am not happy to have the highlight of my day being a meeting listening to other people go on about how they drank and drove and nearly killed someone and how they have to be in AA to do penance because othewise they are scared they will have to go to jail.
The big treat in my day now is managing to have an early night and enough time to cut my nails.
I want to party. I want to drop this weight on my shoulders and go and be silly and laugh and be irresponsible. I want to drink champagne and dance with my friends because I worked hard and did well. I am not happy that I have to be content with eating a sandwich in a cold church hall as my reward.
Maybe I didn't go down far enough to feel grateful enough for this. OMG. How far down do we need to be for this to take hold?
This thread started out so positive and grateful. I got lots of nice replies. I am being honest here that things aren't wonderful. Maybe you can see that I am losing my desire to not drink. Hasn't anyone else been through this and come out the other side still sober? Is this normal? If you are out there, please let me know it is possible to get through this. How long do I have to hang on? I need some hope here.
Where'd the pink cloud go and where is this fourth dimension I am supposed to be rocketed into? My sponsor doesn't keep her appointments and every time she says she is going to do something she doesn't. I am not sure I have faith in the programme any more.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
steph, for me, i'm hear to support recovery...
IMO, if your not ready to change what needs to be changed... maybe go have that drink to escape that you say you want or need...
i had a loved one on this site... Miracal (Trish) she felt the same way as yourself... sad to say... she never made it back...
remember my old thread... it might help.. at least, give you laught... W. A.
"Whiners Anonymous"
root'n for ya steph...
good wishes...
xxoo, rz
IMO, if your not ready to change what needs to be changed... maybe go have that drink to escape that you say you want or need...
i had a loved one on this site... Miracal (Trish) she felt the same way as yourself... sad to say... she never made it back...
remember my old thread... it might help.. at least, give you laught... W. A.
"Whiners Anonymous"
root'n for ya steph...
good wishes...
xxoo, rz
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: WI
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
HIGA. Hun. You would be welcome to come to NZ but tonight I don't think I would be great company.
I want my haze back. My blanket of irresponsibility. I was a miserable drunk and now I am a miserable sober. I am not happy to have the highlight of my day being a meeting listening to other people go on about how they drank and drove and nearly killed someone and how they have to be in AA to do penance because othewise they are scared they will have to go to jail.
The big treat in my day now is managing to have an early night and enough time to cut my nails.
I want to party. I want to drop this weight on my shoulders and go and be silly and laugh and be irresponsible. I want to drink champagne and dance with my friends because I worked hard and did well. I am not happy that I have to be content with eating a sandwich in a cold church hall as my reward.
Maybe I didn't go down far enough to feel grateful enough for this. OMG. How far down do we need to be for this to take hold?
This thread started out so positive and grateful. I got lots of nice replies. I am being honest here that things aren't wonderful. Maybe you can see that I am losing my desire to not drink. Hasn't anyone else been through this and come out the other side still sober? Is this normal? If you are out there, please let me know it is possible to get through this. How long do I have to hang on? I need some hope here.
Where'd the pink cloud go and where is this fourth dimension I am supposed to be rocketed into? My sponsor doesn't keep her appointments and every time she says she is going to do something she doesn't. I am not sure I have faith in the programme any more.
I want my haze back. My blanket of irresponsibility. I was a miserable drunk and now I am a miserable sober. I am not happy to have the highlight of my day being a meeting listening to other people go on about how they drank and drove and nearly killed someone and how they have to be in AA to do penance because othewise they are scared they will have to go to jail.
The big treat in my day now is managing to have an early night and enough time to cut my nails.
I want to party. I want to drop this weight on my shoulders and go and be silly and laugh and be irresponsible. I want to drink champagne and dance with my friends because I worked hard and did well. I am not happy that I have to be content with eating a sandwich in a cold church hall as my reward.
Maybe I didn't go down far enough to feel grateful enough for this. OMG. How far down do we need to be for this to take hold?
This thread started out so positive and grateful. I got lots of nice replies. I am being honest here that things aren't wonderful. Maybe you can see that I am losing my desire to not drink. Hasn't anyone else been through this and come out the other side still sober? Is this normal? If you are out there, please let me know it is possible to get through this. How long do I have to hang on? I need some hope here.
Where'd the pink cloud go and where is this fourth dimension I am supposed to be rocketed into? My sponsor doesn't keep her appointments and every time she says she is going to do something she doesn't. I am not sure I have faith in the programme any more.
Take care...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi RZ
What does that mean - not ready to change what needs to be changed? I don't get it. I pray morning and night and many times a day, I read my readings, I go to meetings, I got a sponsor, I made three appointments with her to start the steps and she missed them all. I asked four sponsors before her to step me and they were all too busy. Two left the country and now the temp sponsor who was helping is leaving the country too. Please don't be vague. I need specifics. What else do I have to change? How?
What happened to Trish? Is she alive?
My son is austistic (aspergers). Getting him to go to bed is sometimes an hour long battle. I tell people how well he is doing and he is doing well but... let's just say we have our moments.
I have a request. I am starting to believe in the power of prayer. This can't hurt. Please everyone on SR who cares if I get through this or not could you say a word to the big fella for me today? Just ask for some peace for me please.
What does that mean - not ready to change what needs to be changed? I don't get it. I pray morning and night and many times a day, I read my readings, I go to meetings, I got a sponsor, I made three appointments with her to start the steps and she missed them all. I asked four sponsors before her to step me and they were all too busy. Two left the country and now the temp sponsor who was helping is leaving the country too. Please don't be vague. I need specifics. What else do I have to change? How?
What happened to Trish? Is she alive?
My son is austistic (aspergers). Getting him to go to bed is sometimes an hour long battle. I tell people how well he is doing and he is doing well but... let's just say we have our moments.
I have a request. I am starting to believe in the power of prayer. This can't hurt. Please everyone on SR who cares if I get through this or not could you say a word to the big fella for me today? Just ask for some peace for me please.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Steph, I will pray for you. I'm a single mum too and I pay the bills and go to work and feed the animals and help with homework - but if it isn't manageable sober, it sure as he** won't be easier drunk. At least I have the energy to go to work these days, and I'm not passed out drunk each night while my innocent daughter sleeps.
It's normal to feel anger and resentment - a lot of feelings come out when we sober up - but they do get better, and things become more manageable.
Start thinking in terms of a solution, if you can. Can you afford help around the house a couple of times a week with meals or housework?
The addict in you is telling you it was fun when you were drinking - but if that were true, would you be here with us? You're the mouse in the pic you have in your sig - the momma mouse tucking her lovely children in. There will be good days and bad days - try your very best to accept this, and you'll get through it.
Hugs and prayers,
Rowan
It's normal to feel anger and resentment - a lot of feelings come out when we sober up - but they do get better, and things become more manageable.
Start thinking in terms of a solution, if you can. Can you afford help around the house a couple of times a week with meals or housework?
The addict in you is telling you it was fun when you were drinking - but if that were true, would you be here with us? You're the mouse in the pic you have in your sig - the momma mouse tucking her lovely children in. There will be good days and bad days - try your very best to accept this, and you'll get through it.
Hugs and prayers,
Rowan
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Steph, you don't even have 30 days yet, if I did my math right.
The anger and anxiety are good for at least 60 days, maybe 90. Some start working the steps right around 90, and then the benefits of the program START to kick in.
I have 8 months, and have a good solid START. I don't experience any of the emotions you listed, but I'm still just a baby. This program takes time. I drank for 10 years, I won't get better in a month.
Hang in there.
The anger and anxiety are good for at least 60 days, maybe 90. Some start working the steps right around 90, and then the benefits of the program START to kick in.
I have 8 months, and have a good solid START. I don't experience any of the emotions you listed, but I'm still just a baby. This program takes time. I drank for 10 years, I won't get better in a month.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey Steph,
I haven't been here this past week-just catching up on this thread now.(I pm'd you too!) but just wanted to say you're a champion!Going through all this recently and still not drinking.I just sat here nodding when you were talking about the supermarket aisle-I had a day like that not so long ago too and just made it home-sober-but shakey.
You have much courage.I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs,
Rosexox
I haven't been here this past week-just catching up on this thread now.(I pm'd you too!) but just wanted to say you're a champion!Going through all this recently and still not drinking.I just sat here nodding when you were talking about the supermarket aisle-I had a day like that not so long ago too and just made it home-sober-but shakey.
You have much courage.I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs,
Rosexox
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
steph, hon... i mentioned this before...
slow down... thers no instant answers.. if i try to be more specific, you would loose the chance to really see the power of recovery...
first things first... yes, your recovery... shure, we all have to work, pay bills, take care of loved ones , eat clean... ect...
thats all doable...
time is the answer for me... i put recovery before anything else... yes, anything...
busted my ass to be relieved of my misery...
i'm a A.A.'r.. and i know a lot about other recovery programs...
the one thing "All" have in common... working on the problems... and finding the solutions...
no one can do that for you...
i wish i can click my heels, and poof!... stephs better... that wont happen...
its your recovery, you have to find a path...
recovery in one pocket, live in another... bottom line...
i guess you dont know about trish... she's miracal on this site... well loved, as you...
she is not alive... did it her way, one more fatal time...
she couldnt follow directions... i miss her more then one would know, just, i learned and grew from her death... in more ways then i ever imangined... why?... because i had a choice... to grow, or regress...
steph, i came on this site to post about her death...
and i kinda got addopted... lol
lots of love, careing, and kindness here... some good ole ass kick'n ta boot...
good wishes steph...
i'm one more person watching your back, as i hope others will mine...
xxoo, patrick
slow down... thers no instant answers.. if i try to be more specific, you would loose the chance to really see the power of recovery...
first things first... yes, your recovery... shure, we all have to work, pay bills, take care of loved ones , eat clean... ect...
thats all doable...
time is the answer for me... i put recovery before anything else... yes, anything...
busted my ass to be relieved of my misery...
i'm a A.A.'r.. and i know a lot about other recovery programs...
the one thing "All" have in common... working on the problems... and finding the solutions...
no one can do that for you...
i wish i can click my heels, and poof!... stephs better... that wont happen...
its your recovery, you have to find a path...
recovery in one pocket, live in another... bottom line...
i guess you dont know about trish... she's miracal on this site... well loved, as you...
she is not alive... did it her way, one more fatal time...
she couldnt follow directions... i miss her more then one would know, just, i learned and grew from her death... in more ways then i ever imangined... why?... because i had a choice... to grow, or regress...
steph, i came on this site to post about her death...
and i kinda got addopted... lol
lots of love, careing, and kindness here... some good ole ass kick'n ta boot...
good wishes steph...
i'm one more person watching your back, as i hope others will mine...
xxoo, patrick
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Well heck.I posted after getting to the bottom of page 3-didn't see this page(I'm blaming not enough coffee this morning) so now my previous post looks a bit inane.
Steph-I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.*hugs* Being a single mom is hard enough but it's especially hard with an autistic child.My brother is autistic-and looking back now I can really understand better the pressure it put on my parents.I feel for you.
I am certainly praying for you-for strength, some peace and that you start to see some hope where it feels like there is none.
Love, Rosexox
Steph-I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.*hugs* Being a single mom is hard enough but it's especially hard with an autistic child.My brother is autistic-and looking back now I can really understand better the pressure it put on my parents.I feel for you.
I am certainly praying for you-for strength, some peace and that you start to see some hope where it feels like there is none.
Love, Rosexox
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry it's so hard, Steph, and I'm sorry I wasn't here - I zonked out.
sending big prayers your way...Hope you feel better today.
I feel like an idiot speaking like this at only 10 weeks in, I hope it doesn't come and bite me later, but I'm lucky I guess, I reached a point where the next stop was pretty much becoming a bottle of sherry in a brown bag alki, asking for small change...
but at least having to go through what I did, having to go down so far, I *know* now alcohol does nothing for me...I don't have any of those romantic memories of the 'fun' or nostalgic memories of the 'good times' left.
I realise today there was nothing I used alcohol to 'help' me with, that I can't do better myself or with less harm to me and others.
I've accepted that, fair or not, I'm not like anyone else - I'm an alcoholic. It's poison to me.
I have different rules, my own rules, that I have to play by now
D
sending big prayers your way...Hope you feel better today.
I feel like an idiot speaking like this at only 10 weeks in, I hope it doesn't come and bite me later, but I'm lucky I guess, I reached a point where the next stop was pretty much becoming a bottle of sherry in a brown bag alki, asking for small change...
but at least having to go through what I did, having to go down so far, I *know* now alcohol does nothing for me...I don't have any of those romantic memories of the 'fun' or nostalgic memories of the 'good times' left.
I realise today there was nothing I used alcohol to 'help' me with, that I can't do better myself or with less harm to me and others.
I've accepted that, fair or not, I'm not like anyone else - I'm an alcoholic. It's poison to me.
I have different rules, my own rules, that I have to play by now
D
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
I want my haze back. My blanket of irresponsibility. I was a miserable drunk and now I am a miserable sober. I am not happy to have the highlight of my day being a meeting listening to other people go on about how they drank and drove and nearly killed someone and how they have to be in AA to do penance because othewise they are scared they will have to go to jail.
I want to party. I want to drop this weight on my shoulders and go and be silly and laugh and be irresponsible. I want to drink champagne and dance with my friends because I worked hard and did well. I am not happy that I have to be content with eating a sandwich in a cold church hall as my reward.
Maybe I didn't go down far enough to feel grateful enough for this. OMG. How far down do we need to be for this to take hold?
Maybe you can see that I am losing my desire to not drink. Hasn't anyone else been through this and come out the other side still sober? Is this normal? If you are out there, please let me know it is possible to get through this. How long do I have to hang on? I need some hope here.
Where'd the pink cloud go and where is this fourth dimension I am supposed to be rocketed into?
Steph...I was "there" 4 times before I gained 8 years of sobriety...
The 3rd time I had a wonderful sponsor who told me knew I wasn't going to
"make it" because I "wasn't done yet".
I stayed sober for another year just to show her!
She cried when she told me that..now, she had sponsored 15 woman successfully
in sobriety..all had many years..my best friend was the "baby" with 5 years!
And then folks in my meetings listened to stop being grateful and start to whine about
missing the "good old days".. I said I should be in Alanon..because I was with a drunk
I picked up his bad habits! (No lie)
How I wanted to drink and relax...I wanted to drink and be able to cope..
Part of me was tired of being a good little girl and missed being naughty.
I was in total and complete denial...in my meetings they saw but I refused.
One old timer stepped up and said.."Go ahead and try the experiment..
if you can drink normally our hats are off to you..and come back if it
doesn't work".I glady took his advice..I thought.."I'll show them!"
It didn't work..back to the daily drinking within 2 days..back to always missing
that last step on the stairs..(still have scars on my left knee)
Back to bad looking, bad smelling, another wreck, liver disease and disillusioned
disappointed kids..on and on and on goes the list!
If you really want to drink again..and want the good old days back..
Look hard at the truth of what it was like ....
if you think you can drink normally..go ahead and try the experiment.
I just hope you will make it back if you do.
Love,
IO
I want to party. I want to drop this weight on my shoulders and go and be silly and laugh and be irresponsible. I want to drink champagne and dance with my friends because I worked hard and did well. I am not happy that I have to be content with eating a sandwich in a cold church hall as my reward.
Maybe I didn't go down far enough to feel grateful enough for this. OMG. How far down do we need to be for this to take hold?
Maybe you can see that I am losing my desire to not drink. Hasn't anyone else been through this and come out the other side still sober? Is this normal? If you are out there, please let me know it is possible to get through this. How long do I have to hang on? I need some hope here.
Where'd the pink cloud go and where is this fourth dimension I am supposed to be rocketed into?
Steph...I was "there" 4 times before I gained 8 years of sobriety...
The 3rd time I had a wonderful sponsor who told me knew I wasn't going to
"make it" because I "wasn't done yet".
I stayed sober for another year just to show her!
She cried when she told me that..now, she had sponsored 15 woman successfully
in sobriety..all had many years..my best friend was the "baby" with 5 years!
And then folks in my meetings listened to stop being grateful and start to whine about
missing the "good old days".. I said I should be in Alanon..because I was with a drunk
I picked up his bad habits! (No lie)
How I wanted to drink and relax...I wanted to drink and be able to cope..
Part of me was tired of being a good little girl and missed being naughty.
I was in total and complete denial...in my meetings they saw but I refused.
One old timer stepped up and said.."Go ahead and try the experiment..
if you can drink normally our hats are off to you..and come back if it
doesn't work".I glady took his advice..I thought.."I'll show them!"
It didn't work..back to the daily drinking within 2 days..back to always missing
that last step on the stairs..(still have scars on my left knee)
Back to bad looking, bad smelling, another wreck, liver disease and disillusioned
disappointed kids..on and on and on goes the list!
If you really want to drink again..and want the good old days back..
Look hard at the truth of what it was like ....
if you think you can drink normally..go ahead and try the experiment.
I just hope you will make it back if you do.
Love,
IO
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi Steph at 19 days sober myself I can't exactly offer advice based on my own experience, however I think you have had good advice from the posters above me.
You have been trying to quit for a while now and after each relapse you always try again, that tells me you arent happy when you drink-drinking doesnt work for you anymore or you wouldnt keep trying to quit.
You have been trying to quit for a while now and after each relapse you always try again, that tells me you arent happy when you drink-drinking doesnt work for you anymore or you wouldnt keep trying to quit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thanks everyone for so many replies.
I have one more day so that right there is a miracle to me. I left the house thinking I would drink today. I prayed that my will would not win and I asked for you to join me. I did not go to a meeting and I thought I was finished. I couldn't face the feeling of denial and misery that went with the Friday lunchtime meeting. I have other meetings that suit me better. They don't have to be penance and I couldn't face seeing the same faces with the same misery and stories today.
I went to the pub and someone offered to buy me a wine. It was warm and friendly and nice. The fire was blazing. Why cant we have meetings in warm rooms? I said yes and I held it. I looked at it and I thought I wasnt ready to drink it just yet so I went and got a coke. The hour went on and I went and got a lemonade. I was never quite ready to drink it. I thought I might later. Later never came. Since then, I feel quite enormously relieved of the desire. I had a choice. I was not denying myself. I could have had a drink. I could have easily. I didn't.
Someone asked while I was outside having a smoke, if I was making a statement since I had not touched my wine. They thought I was being judgemental of them. They didn't know of the battle. It wasn't even a battle. It was really quite a nice lunch and I have had some serenity ever since.
My friend in AA told me to never think of quitting forever. This concept is very dangerous to me right now. I have not "stopped" or "quit". This is not about drinking alcohol any more for me at all. This is about my mind and my will and my spirit and my HP.
Hi Rowan - yes I am the mouse. Still the mouse tonight thank goodness. Spent three hours trying to get son to go to bed!! Hopefully he will sleep in.
GP - day 25 but it feels like I have been fighting this thing for much longer than that. I have heard other views that we should start on the steps as soon as possible- like the BB says. Dr Bob was only two weeks sober when he found that doing step 12 relieved him of his desire and misery. Nowhere in the BB guide does is suggest waiting to do the steps. Instead, it says we should be rocketed and I want to be rocketed now before I lose my way again. Sorry if I am being dense.
We are told to lose our resentments or face relapse. And yet we are advised to wait to do step four which will relieve us of our resentments. If we have done steps one two and three by day 12, why wait? We may need to go back sometimes and we need to be thorough and fearless but ... I dunno. Seems I understand the group that focusses more on the BB guidelines best.
Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.
RZ - I am not after poof but I am not into sitting around forever feeling sorry for myself either. I want to get on with the biz. I am sorry to hear about Trish. I didn't know. I am in no doubt that this is life and death. That's the beast we face and if it were simple to stop when faced with death, we would all recover and not die from it. Terrifying.
Hey Rose and thanks for the PM. I haven't had a chance to reply yet but its the weekend now so I hope I will get some time.
Sweet Dee. How are you doing? I was not sure of your story so thanks for some insight. The end came quite fast for me so I guess I still have some quite recent good memories before I descended. Some days I get it and some days I forget it. Thats what happens with this stuff I guess. Totally bizarre.
Dear IO and Stone. Thanks for the reminders. I seem to have blackouts when it comes to remembering the bad and only remember the good instead. I have to work hard to get my mind to focus on what it was really like. It takes a lot of mental effort. Sometimes the effort is blocked by other life efforts.
I hope I will be in some sort of state to watch your backs tomorrow my wonderful SR family. Thanks for watching mine today.
xxxxxxxooooooooooo
I have one more day so that right there is a miracle to me. I left the house thinking I would drink today. I prayed that my will would not win and I asked for you to join me. I did not go to a meeting and I thought I was finished. I couldn't face the feeling of denial and misery that went with the Friday lunchtime meeting. I have other meetings that suit me better. They don't have to be penance and I couldn't face seeing the same faces with the same misery and stories today.
I went to the pub and someone offered to buy me a wine. It was warm and friendly and nice. The fire was blazing. Why cant we have meetings in warm rooms? I said yes and I held it. I looked at it and I thought I wasnt ready to drink it just yet so I went and got a coke. The hour went on and I went and got a lemonade. I was never quite ready to drink it. I thought I might later. Later never came. Since then, I feel quite enormously relieved of the desire. I had a choice. I was not denying myself. I could have had a drink. I could have easily. I didn't.
Someone asked while I was outside having a smoke, if I was making a statement since I had not touched my wine. They thought I was being judgemental of them. They didn't know of the battle. It wasn't even a battle. It was really quite a nice lunch and I have had some serenity ever since.
My friend in AA told me to never think of quitting forever. This concept is very dangerous to me right now. I have not "stopped" or "quit". This is not about drinking alcohol any more for me at all. This is about my mind and my will and my spirit and my HP.
Hi Rowan - yes I am the mouse. Still the mouse tonight thank goodness. Spent three hours trying to get son to go to bed!! Hopefully he will sleep in.
GP - day 25 but it feels like I have been fighting this thing for much longer than that. I have heard other views that we should start on the steps as soon as possible- like the BB says. Dr Bob was only two weeks sober when he found that doing step 12 relieved him of his desire and misery. Nowhere in the BB guide does is suggest waiting to do the steps. Instead, it says we should be rocketed and I want to be rocketed now before I lose my way again. Sorry if I am being dense.
We are told to lose our resentments or face relapse. And yet we are advised to wait to do step four which will relieve us of our resentments. If we have done steps one two and three by day 12, why wait? We may need to go back sometimes and we need to be thorough and fearless but ... I dunno. Seems I understand the group that focusses more on the BB guidelines best.
Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.
RZ - I am not after poof but I am not into sitting around forever feeling sorry for myself either. I want to get on with the biz. I am sorry to hear about Trish. I didn't know. I am in no doubt that this is life and death. That's the beast we face and if it were simple to stop when faced with death, we would all recover and not die from it. Terrifying.
Hey Rose and thanks for the PM. I haven't had a chance to reply yet but its the weekend now so I hope I will get some time.
Sweet Dee. How are you doing? I was not sure of your story so thanks for some insight. The end came quite fast for me so I guess I still have some quite recent good memories before I descended. Some days I get it and some days I forget it. Thats what happens with this stuff I guess. Totally bizarre.
Dear IO and Stone. Thanks for the reminders. I seem to have blackouts when it comes to remembering the bad and only remember the good instead. I have to work hard to get my mind to focus on what it was really like. It takes a lot of mental effort. Sometimes the effort is blocked by other life efforts.
I hope I will be in some sort of state to watch your backs tomorrow my wonderful SR family. Thanks for watching mine today.
xxxxxxxooooooooooo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
great news you made it steph...
another suggestion steph.. stay oud'a the pubs!...
thats one of the things i mean about change, and changing old routines
not to say you can never visit one... for me, in my begginings... i had no business being in one, and i was a everyday bar boy...
dopey line time.. "if you dont want a haircut... stay out of the barber shop"
good wishes, just for today steph...
xxoo, rz
another suggestion steph.. stay oud'a the pubs!...
thats one of the things i mean about change, and changing old routines
not to say you can never visit one... for me, in my begginings... i had no business being in one, and i was a everyday bar boy...
dopey line time.. "if you dont want a haircut... stay out of the barber shop"
good wishes, just for today steph...
xxoo, rz
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey Steph,
It is such a milestone when you have that glass of wine in front of you and yet choose not to drink it.I know that temptation only too well.I am so proud of you that you didn't have it.You've proven to yourself that you can resist and that is no small feat-especially given how you've been feeling lately.Well done!
No worries about the PM-just reply as and when you feel like it.I'll be around and am continuing to think of you and pray for you.
Love,
Rosexox
It is such a milestone when you have that glass of wine in front of you and yet choose not to drink it.I know that temptation only too well.I am so proud of you that you didn't have it.You've proven to yourself that you can resist and that is no small feat-especially given how you've been feeling lately.Well done!
No worries about the PM-just reply as and when you feel like it.I'll be around and am continuing to think of you and pray for you.
Love,
Rosexox
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