Pilgrim

Wow - what amazing replies. I am a bit overwhelmed and very thankful (note the synonym suggested by Stoney).

Rose - I have been thinking of you too. How are you doing up north?

Teej - I am going all the way this time I hope. I have faith and so yea - no more half measures. Are you with me?

GG - thanks for the hug and here's one for you (((((GG))))))))). I find it hard to believe how I used to manage. Well - I didn't really and the price was higher than I realised.

I can't imagine how it gets better but wow - if it does then bring it on. The joy I had last night even though I would normally have been grumpy and overburdened is hard to describe. The teens are still asleep!! Hehe. They look quite little in bed. The hall was all sweaty and the water was running down the glass. They were gathered in groups and the fathers were all hanging around outside looking grumpy. I was smiling. I must have looked exhausted but to be there was such an honour.

A bit later........I am not feeling so serene as I was when I started writing this. I won't try to reply to everyone. I am having a bit of a yuk morning. Not doing so well with my ex and some trust stuff. Feeling a bit upset and icky so I am going to get off my butt and get off the computer for a while. Take care out there. Don't go back to the carnage my friends.

xxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooo

Pilgrim

(((((tj))))))

xXBacktoBlackXx

((Steph)) Congrats on day 18! It's strange to look back and remember what we used to do when we weren't sober...completely different life. I like this life better.

hope3

Pilgram, other words for grateful:

Indebted, oblidged, apreciative, thankful,

pleased and gratified.

Or, just plain happy.........................

hope3

ghostgirl

hey pilgrim... just keep it one day at a time. there will be plenty of ups and downs, maybe even waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down (my experience), but it gets so much better. some lovely a.a. friends gave me gem advice... when i'm feeling sad/angry/hurt/fearful to grab onto that nanosecond in life that made me laugh or feel spiritual. and honey i ride that wave sometimes it seems forever to help get me out of whatever funk i'm in.

prayer really helps, too. i've noticed answers come to in dreams... and my friend today gave me a wonderful simple excercise for when i'm in pain/anger and can't let go. i visualize a chord plugged into me that is attached to the person/thing that i'm upset with, and i release myself from that person/thing/feeling by pulling out the chord from my body (unplugging the person/thing so that it can no longer take energy from me), and i say "i release you with love and life..." and it works. sometimes i have to do this several times... i'm a notorious hanger-on-er!!

gg

IO Storm

Pilgrim....

Congrats on 18 days and that "attitude of gratitude"..

I STARTED drinking when my girls were teen agers when they needed me the most..

What treasure you have that yours support you...

I am barely beginning to make amends now that they are grown.

No greater gift..do you have than these..

Love,



IO

Pilgrim

Hi GG

That's great advice. My hanging on stuff is chronic. Really chronic. I am clinging to a long dead fantasy like a I might die if I give it up.

This morning, he said that he was just feeling tired and that he came home early! He didn't remember seeing me. And then after a few seconds, he said - oh yeah - you were rude to me.

I had two girls in the car with me, I wasn't rude at all, joking with him about the time. I was happy and content but today I have been feeling irritable and discontent about it. I have no idea why. I prayed for it to be lifted from me like i never have before. I want my will to be nil when it comes to him. He is completely toxic and yet I feel like I love him. I know it can't be real love but it feels like it. Giving up the fantasy seems even harder than not drinking at the moment.

Now I can see clearly, I want him to as well. I know I can't control it. I will keep trying to give it away. Each time I feel like I get a bit stronger but I still have times when it is very hard.

He rang me to say he got my favourite at the shop - prawns. He said he would come over. I should have said no but I said yes. He said he would be here by 5.30. At 6 he showed up having been to the pub. I asked him to leave. I felt ok about it but he couldn't see why I wanted him to go. I am not quite sure I see either. We are supposed to be tolerant and after all - he is one of us. He is an alcoholic just like me. Everyone needs a bit of company sometimes.

I told him that if he says he is here at 5.30 but is sitting at the bar for another half and hour then that is not good. I said that I am early into recovery and coming here half cut is not ok. I asked him if he was aware that he was being controlled by alcohol and that his life was out of control because of it. His house needs so much work. It's a total pit with no walls but he is always drinking or too sick. He just doesnt see it at all and it is literally driving me crazy. HOW can he not see it. I see it now.

Sorry to rant. My recovery is not shining tonight.

Still - day 19 and I am sober - so the day isn't a failure. It's just hard sometimes.

Pilgrim

Hi IO

My heavy drinking started 7 years ago after my separation and when I met my a bf. There were signs earlier but they were just signs. My addictive drinking (blackouts, tolerance etc) only started a year or two ago but in the end it got very bad very fast.

Thanks for your kind words.

I am looking at the post I just wrote. I feel better for getting it out but the last line is really the only line that counts huh?

My children are why I am alive today. It is as simple as that. Now I hope that I will start to learn to live for myself so that I can be there for them totally. The most wonderful part of it is the support they give me. It humbles me so much. When I feel a bit low, they ask me if a meeting might help. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's love. Not the other silly nonsense.

Dee74

amen Steph. I've suffered from 'the other nonsense' too.

D

Pilgrim

Hi Dee

How's the big country tonight? How are you getting on?

Pilgrim

Carol - I got myself a face pack. It's green. I put little cucumber pads on my eyes and tried meditating. I gave my son a bit of a fright when he came in the room! The meditiating didn't work but my skin is clean and clear!!! Thanks for the tip.

xx

hope3

Hi Pilgram, when you said this "He rang me to say he got my favourite at the shop - prawns. He said he would come over. I should have said no but I said yes. He said he would be here by 5.30. At 6 he showed up having been to the pub. I asked him to leave. I felt ok about it but he couldn't see why I wanted him to go. I am not quite sure I see either. We are supposed to be tolerant and after all - he is one of us. He is an alcoholic just like me. Everyone needs a bit of company sometimes." end quote.

Tolerance has nothing to do with boundaries....you did the right thing, he should be supportive of you, comming to your house 30 minutes late 1/2 under isn't supportive...If he can't see this, oh well...

You are doing what you need to in your recovery, and I am very proud of

you....hope3

stone

Well said Hope. How are you today Steph?

lostmdboy

Hey Pilgram, Just one or two thoughts for you. You number one priority in life needs to be your sobriety. Your life depends on it. I remember they first weeks of my sobriety, and seeing the love in my childrens eyes that I had been missing through that drunken haze was one of the things that keeps me sober today. It was a very special feeling. You have to rember though your ex has to want to be sober. You will never be able to make him sober. Congrats on your time and one day at a time.

Dee74

lol I was very sleepy !
but OK today and it's a brilliantly clear winter's morning...bloody cold though - 14-15 degrees or so and windy with it (57ish for my Fahrenheit Friends !) OK, so I don't know what cold is !

love the new avatar and piccy !

hope all is well with you
D xox

nolongerdrunk

Great job! You should treat yourself... rent a movie, go for a walk, take a bath, read a book... do something nice for yourself. YOU DESERVE IT.

Pilgrim

Dee. You poor thing. You mean you have to wear something other than shorts and a tee shirt? Hehe. Thanks.

The killer storm that hit Sydney is coming our way and deepening!! It will hit here tomorrow over the North Island and I have to fly to Auckland. Eek.

Paul - I know he needs to want to be sober but I can't imagine why he doesn't. He says he had a lovely day yesterday! WTF? It consisted of a massive hangover, downtown to get the car, stop at the bar in town, afternoon sleep then bar again. Then I was supposed to be available as a nice warm safety house for him at dinner time.

Hope - I agree and this resentment isn't good for my sobriety. I care about him but he makes me so mad.He is completely inconsiderate about booze. He even brought some to my house the other night but he took it away when he could see I was agitated. The rest of him is quite nice. Lovely even. I asked for prayer words to say on another thread. I'll go get a reminder after this.

This one isn't going away in a hurry. I am on the right track though and if you don't mind, I will keep venting. It helps.

I did my homework for my sponsor. I had to write how I felt and what was going on when I had my two slips. I am getting up-armoured!!! Not much fun to relive. I never heard anyone say that they had a "lovely slip".

Pilgrim

I just read something on the "Questioning Under the Influence" thread. Pickaname wrote it and I want to post it here. I hope that is ok cos it really helps.

To me it feels like turning my back on my loved one who is drowning;and walking away still hearing the splashing. And somehow living with that. I need help--lots of it! to do that without going down,too.

Was inspired by Taz. Where is you Taz?

gypsytears

Hi Steph . Believe it or not, you are doing all the right things. I can't advise you how to feel about the bf... but you know by now that you can only change you. Perhaps you may lead by example and he will come around someday... but he has to do it when he's ready if at all. You have your children and you have yourself...there's plenty of love right there to see you through. Of course you have your friends here at SR to help too :hugs.

This right here is what I'm talking about!

Pilgrim

Hi GT! You are such a sweetie. Popping in and checking on people and giving good advice. How is it going with you? Is life treating you ok today? xx