...Trashed my room...
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I have to agree. Although I am noone to be sayin anything. Taking that drink to make it go away AGAIN is not the way.
Your chasing your tail.
We have all been there one time or another more times than once I am sure.
But we can make it.
I am having the worst month of my entire life. And I want tnothing more than to go ride the hood and get high.
It has been eating me for days now. Invading my dreams.
But by some grace of God I have managed to not get high.
And let me tell you. I know how hard it is.
Quit feeding the cycle and do something to break it.
Do what you gotta do to release your anger within reason.
But dont keep falling back into the circle.
That for sure is not doing anything and what you say you want and what you prove in your actions are not the same.
You need to try. At least try.
I havent heard you say anything about your mom since that first post.
What ever came of that?
Do you really want help?
You have to put the work in and make the steps at all costs if you are serious.
I may have failed. I may again. But I will keep trying.
I suggest you do the same.
You arwe worth it. And it does get better.
But nothing good ever came easy.
I hope you understand.
I am thinking of you.
Your chasing your tail.
We have all been there one time or another more times than once I am sure.
But we can make it.
I am having the worst month of my entire life. And I want tnothing more than to go ride the hood and get high.
It has been eating me for days now. Invading my dreams.
But by some grace of God I have managed to not get high.
And let me tell you. I know how hard it is.
Quit feeding the cycle and do something to break it.
Do what you gotta do to release your anger within reason.
But dont keep falling back into the circle.
That for sure is not doing anything and what you say you want and what you prove in your actions are not the same.
You need to try. At least try.
I havent heard you say anything about your mom since that first post.
What ever came of that?
Do you really want help?
You have to put the work in and make the steps at all costs if you are serious.
I may have failed. I may again. But I will keep trying.
I suggest you do the same.
You arwe worth it. And it does get better.
But nothing good ever came easy.
I hope you understand.
I am thinking of you.
tangled up in blue
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
honestly im just praying that everything will get better, i have gotten down on my knees and begged to G-d, my neighbor passed away she was my confidant i know that is not an excuse but my heart has been hurting because of this my heart has also been broken by someone and i fear that i will never be loved
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Oh I am sorry for your loss....
I started using speed after my unborn twins died, and my Daddy two weeks later.
I did not want to feel that..and the pills kept me up ..I was afraid of crashing down..
Because of that I never went through the grieving process.. and eventually it all
caught up to me and I got drunk again.
The alcohol will tell you you will never be loved.
When it wears off more fear will come...
You can do this BB..I know you can....
Those feelings you are running from CANNOT harm you...
Feelings are uncomfortable NOT dangerous.
The actions you take to escape can be...
Chiy knows of that which she speaks..
The problems get worse and there is more to deal with after drinking or using.
I pray you will find the strength within...
Love,
IO
I started using speed after my unborn twins died, and my Daddy two weeks later.
I did not want to feel that..and the pills kept me up ..I was afraid of crashing down..
Because of that I never went through the grieving process.. and eventually it all
caught up to me and I got drunk again.
The alcohol will tell you you will never be loved.
When it wears off more fear will come...
You can do this BB..I know you can....
Those feelings you are running from CANNOT harm you...
Feelings are uncomfortable NOT dangerous.
The actions you take to escape can be...
Chiy knows of that which she speaks..
The problems get worse and there is more to deal with after drinking or using.
I pray you will find the strength within...
Love,
IO
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
That is alot to deal with.
death is hard.
I am so sorry to hear that.
Praying is good but you need to put some foot work into it too.
And sweety. You gotta love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to.
I do have to say that I have finally relized why I have been struggling so bad the past few days.
Because I am not taking the easy way out this time.
I am fighting this addiction with every fiber of my being.
It is making me sick..angry...aggravated.
I want to just get high and let it all go away.
But I know that the answer or the solution does not lay there.
I am having these bad days because ..well..I am struggling. Struggling to keep my life.
I am having a hard time at times. But I am making it. As much as it hurts. i am slowly making it.
You can do it too.
I hope you find your calm soon.
i know what you are going through.
i am going through it with you.
Just stay with us and try.
death is hard.
I am so sorry to hear that.
Praying is good but you need to put some foot work into it too.
And sweety. You gotta love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to.
I do have to say that I have finally relized why I have been struggling so bad the past few days.
Because I am not taking the easy way out this time.
I am fighting this addiction with every fiber of my being.
It is making me sick..angry...aggravated.
I want to just get high and let it all go away.
But I know that the answer or the solution does not lay there.
I am having these bad days because ..well..I am struggling. Struggling to keep my life.
I am having a hard time at times. But I am making it. As much as it hurts. i am slowly making it.
You can do it too.
I hope you find your calm soon.
i know what you are going through.
i am going through it with you.
Just stay with us and try.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
((((BtB))))
I'm glad I didn't **** you off....I hate having to get all 'preachy'
I mean I'm just a drink away from being that old d***head again...
I'm so sorry that things are so tough right now...broken hearts and fear and grief are really difficult things to get through...I know...but if I learned anything these last two months it's that we really do have to get through them...not just run away from them and hide in a bottle or a pill or whatever.
I have the utmost confidence in you - you are very intelligent and self aware - you will get through this...
take care my friend...
D
I'm glad I didn't **** you off....I hate having to get all 'preachy'
I mean I'm just a drink away from being that old d***head again...
I'm so sorry that things are so tough right now...broken hearts and fear and grief are really difficult things to get through...I know...but if I learned anything these last two months it's that we really do have to get through them...not just run away from them and hide in a bottle or a pill or whatever.
I have the utmost confidence in you - you are very intelligent and self aware - you will get through this...
take care my friend...
D
tangled up in blue
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
ugh thank you guys so much i hate to admit this but im really drunk right now
i just talked to my friend on the phone and she basically told me that everyone at my school wondered where i dissapeared to and that people are talking about it
WHAT THE ****, i seriously hate this i just want to ******* dissapear. everyone just knows that im a **** up and thinks im a depressed loser
i just talked to my friend on the phone and she basically told me that everyone at my school wondered where i dissapeared to and that people are talking about it
WHAT THE ****, i seriously hate this i just want to ******* dissapear. everyone just knows that im a **** up and thinks im a depressed loser
tangled up in blue
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
i am going to write in this thread because i want to get my thoughts out
i just want that serenity, i really want someday to show people that im not that ****** up girl that they used to know, i want them to see that they screwed over a strong person...i dont know why but sometimes i dream of doing something that makes my name famous so people will look back and realize that they were wrong like all the people at my school were wrong to think that i was this messed up person and that really all the while i was this person that they never discovered
i just want that serenity, i really want someday to show people that im not that ****** up girl that they used to know, i want them to see that they screwed over a strong person...i dont know why but sometimes i dream of doing something that makes my name famous so people will look back and realize that they were wrong like all the people at my school were wrong to think that i was this messed up person and that really all the while i was this person that they never discovered
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by xXBacktoBlackXx 
sorry, whenever i drink i always just wanna stay up and chat with people
I wasn't telling you what to do...jes' jokin'....
speak to you later - take care
D
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
For others to respect you, you have to respect yourself. From your posts it doesn't sound like you do. The world will treat you no better than you treat yourself. That is your starting point.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Originally Posted by xXBacktoBlackXx
i am going to write in this thread because i want to get my thoughts out
i just want that serenity, i really want someday to show people that im not that ****** up girl that they used to know, i want them to see that they screwed over a strong person...i dont know why but sometimes i dream of doing something that makes my name famous so people will look back and realize that they were wrong like all the people at my school were wrong to think that i was this messed up person and that really all the while i was this person that they never discovered
i just want that serenity, i really want someday to show people that im not that ****** up girl that they used to know, i want them to see that they screwed over a strong person...i dont know why but sometimes i dream of doing something that makes my name famous so people will look back and realize that they were wrong like all the people at my school were wrong to think that i was this messed up person and that really all the while i was this person that they never discovered
Then by all means..Make it happen.
Make them dreams come true.
I know you are strong. Just stop letting whoever these people are break you.
Do these people really matter that much?
You are letting them get you.
The only person you need to prove anything to is yourself.
You will find your way eventually.
You just need to find the strength inside yourself for yourself.
When people are talking ****. Just remember this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
**i just really want people to understand that they stepped all over a good peson**
You are a good person, bad things have happened to you but u are still a good person...getting angry is healthy, its better then holding it in and waiting for the day for it to explode..ok, u trashed ur room but its material and can be tidied..holding the emotions, the pain inside does more damage..
I am sorry for the pain you are suffering and wish I could take it away from you..please keep writing, keep talking.
Remember, people don't remember you for ur falls, but how u picked urself up and started again.
Thinking of you
Lost x
You are a good person, bad things have happened to you but u are still a good person...getting angry is healthy, its better then holding it in and waiting for the day for it to explode..ok, u trashed ur room but its material and can be tidied..holding the emotions, the pain inside does more damage..
I am sorry for the pain you are suffering and wish I could take it away from you..please keep writing, keep talking.
Remember, people don't remember you for ur falls, but how u picked urself up and started again.
Thinking of you
Lost x
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
B2B, I can soooo identify with what you are going through. Yesterday I really wanted to get ****** up. Depression is a big issue for me as well, and I've used drugs and alcohol to self medicate for many years. Yesterday I had a therpy appointment and was feeling very agitated afterward. I did some work around the house and I had promised myself, my theripst and folks here on the boards that I would go to an AA meeting. I've always had "issues" with 12-step programs, or perhaps I've just "made" issues. Anyway, on the way to the meeting all I really wanted to do was go to the city, score some pot and feel better. I didn't, I went to the meeting, felt tremendous anxiety about going into a room full of strangers, and just bailed on the whole thing.
I went home feeling like a total loser, beating myself up, hating myself, another failure. It's not like I've never been to meetings, I've been to well over a hundered over the years. I wanted to hurt myself. I guess the only progress I made was I didn't drink, use, or hurt myself, I just went to bed.
I understand the rage you feel. I feel it too. I just wanted to put my fist through the wall, or glass door, or something. They say depression is anger turned inward, and I believe it. From what I've experienced, I'd say what you are going through is "normal". I don't know if that is comforting or not!! They tell me the same thing, and I'm like, "if this is normal, maybe I don't want to be normal!!!!" But I'm trying to put some faith into the things the people who want to help me tell me. I'm not really long on "faith" so it's a bit of a struggle.
I hope you can talk to your parents about this. I'm 38 and back living at home because of all of the destruction, both self and to others, I have caused. I've hid various things from my parrents while I've been here, but it really has been better since I've come clean. I have a very good relationship with my mother and a decent one with my dad. If you think they would, not necessarily understand, but at least be supportive, let them in. If nothing else they can help hold you accountable. That's what I had to do. I voluntarily started taking drug tests and having the results reported to them, to hold me accountable. I've got 30 days clean from pot, my DOC, and that is the most clean time I've been able to put together on my own in the last 17 years.
I don't know if any of this helps or not. I just wanted you to know that you are far from being alone feeling like you do. Take care.
I went home feeling like a total loser, beating myself up, hating myself, another failure. It's not like I've never been to meetings, I've been to well over a hundered over the years. I wanted to hurt myself. I guess the only progress I made was I didn't drink, use, or hurt myself, I just went to bed.
I understand the rage you feel. I feel it too. I just wanted to put my fist through the wall, or glass door, or something. They say depression is anger turned inward, and I believe it. From what I've experienced, I'd say what you are going through is "normal". I don't know if that is comforting or not!! They tell me the same thing, and I'm like, "if this is normal, maybe I don't want to be normal!!!!" But I'm trying to put some faith into the things the people who want to help me tell me. I'm not really long on "faith" so it's a bit of a struggle.
I hope you can talk to your parents about this. I'm 38 and back living at home because of all of the destruction, both self and to others, I have caused. I've hid various things from my parrents while I've been here, but it really has been better since I've come clean. I have a very good relationship with my mother and a decent one with my dad. If you think they would, not necessarily understand, but at least be supportive, let them in. If nothing else they can help hold you accountable. That's what I had to do. I voluntarily started taking drug tests and having the results reported to them, to hold me accountable. I've got 30 days clean from pot, my DOC, and that is the most clean time I've been able to put together on my own in the last 17 years.
I don't know if any of this helps or not. I just wanted you to know that you are far from being alone feeling like you do. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Its OK to trash your room.
Its better than getting trashed.
I dont know about you, but i cant have just one glass of anything.
Once I start drinking I dont stop till something or someone stops me or till I pass out.
Pleases loose the wine.
You fear you will never be loved again?
The wine will never love you.
If you try and help yourself atleast you have a chance to love again.
And for the record you are loved here.
We are all in this together
Its better than getting trashed.
I dont know about you, but i cant have just one glass of anything.
Once I start drinking I dont stop till something or someone stops me or till I pass out.
Pleases loose the wine.
You fear you will never be loved again?
The wine will never love you.
If you try and help yourself atleast you have a chance to love again.
And for the record you are loved here.
We are all in this together
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
