c'est la vie

yep, I understand.

(((((beezy)))))) I'm so sorry that you are suffering yet another loss. Please be strong and don't let your mom get under your skin. Being prepared for her behaviour will serve you well, then get out of there and surround yourself with your kids and animals and know that we are with you in spirit.


You guys are way too funny when they start a new thread. I popped on here last night right when they opened it (about 8 posts) and wanted to say something, but I thought my hub was walking into the room so I shut it down. How pathetic is that? I'm still sneaking around.

c'est la vie

friends, I need to share something. I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not, but it's causing me pain to keep it from you. Some of you have been here since I arrived (((beezy, jane))) and know how hard it was for me in the beginning so it's seems a little weird for me to tell you that I'm "cured", so I won't. But I will tell you that even after drinking the way I did, going to AA for 6 months, posting on a recovery site for over a year, and reading everything I can get my hands on I still feel like I don't fall into the category of "true alcoholic" that AA refers to or the definition of alcoholic offered by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Addiction. Even my doctor and therapist think that my behaviours are not consistent with alcoholism and that it was a means of attention getting and drama (I don't know).

I did try "moderation" after only 1 month dry and it didn't work too well for me. I still hid my drinking and felt miserably guilty after having anything more than 1 glass. So I quit again for 6 months and felt an amazing difference in my body. I don't know if there are deeply hidden reasons for me to drink, but right now in all honesty it doesn't feel like the wrong thing for me. I have found new coping strategies for when I'm sad or angry and I'm finding things to fill my life rather than be miserable as a SAHM.

It's great to not hide drinking. It's great to not feel groggy for my kids. It's great to not plan my day around alcohol. BUT it was also nice to have a glass of beer with dinner with all our friends on vacation. I'm not planning my next outing just so I can drink, and I'm not saying I'm never going to drink again. I'm just taking each day as it comes.

So now that I've just unloaded more than I planned to on you all, I'm ready for the fallout. I just couldn't bear to keep posting here feeling like a fake - giving the impression of being X months sober, offering advice to quit drinking and be strong and happy, then having a drink once a month or whatever (not drunk). I really belong over at Moderation Management, but I don't have the energy or desire to make new friends. I understand if you feel it's just not right for me to be posting here. Gosh this is feeling weirder by the minute. Maybe I should stick to reading.

Pilgrim

Hi C'est. That is great news and I think you are right to tell everyone here. Honesty is really important on this site. If it is true then you are lucky and, yes, ok, I admit I am jealous of people who can have a drink from time to time without becoming addicted. Sometimes I would give anything to be like you.

No one can tell you if you are an alcoholic or not. Only you know if it is true. If you are not then yippeee. Believe me, you wouldn't want it in a million years. Whatever you are, alcoholic, not alcoholic, tall, blonde, short....you have helped me while I have been here. You may have helped to save a life or helped someone not to take a drink. That is priceless. Please don't feel that you should go off this site.

ayla zaire

c'est.....don't you DARE go back to reading.....we need our founding mother....

honey.....you of all people should know that we, the mamas, your friends.....we will never judge you......you could come here and drink every day.....you could never drink again.....you could have a beer now and then.....if that works for you, who are we to judge? you are changing....you are at peace and i can see it.....i'm really proud of you, honey.....

i've been accused of being a 'poser' in pm's......saying that i didn't have a big problem, that they read my old posts and since i wasn't poppin 20 or more pills a day, how can i call myself an addict? i know i was addicted....i choose to call myself an addict because i know that i had not quit when i did, i now would be taking tons of pills...seeking......buying from my neighbors......i saw it coming and i already couldn't stop by myself.......it was really hard......and it scared the crap out of me....
c'est....your recovery is your business....you know yourself....you know your limits.....and you know that a glass of wine a day will lead to two....then more.....but you also know that you can have a beer and stop at that.....and that's fine.....we can't judge you for living your life and getting well in your own way.......just do me a favor and be careful, ok? i love that you are at peace......i would hate to see you lose that......

i love you, c'est....
hugs
ayla

Smyle

(((((c'est)))))

I am so glad you shared what you are feeling.

I went back and read some of your original posts and don't know if you ever do that but it may help you to decide if you can drink in moderation. It helps me to reread my old threads sometimes.

I am a still not sure if what any of us have is a disease...I know hot topic but that is just my opinion....so on that note...I do think you can "naturally recover"...where we go after that I am not real sure...I am still recovering.

i began using drugs and alcohol in a controlled fashion...searching for meaning in my life...instead of finding meaning I became addicted...

as I continue to explore what I was looking for...through my drug use...relationships...acceptance..releif...and so on...I am learning how to find meaning in my life without drugs or alcohol.

For me I know that I will never be able to be around pills...or any other drug.
I could/can drink a beer or have a glass of wine...but as of late I have abstained from this also. I would just rather not take any chances.

My mind does like to play tricks on me and tell me I can go get some pills and just take a couple...but again...what void am I tryng to fill ?? So I do a little soul searching and can usually talk myself out of it and gain more insight as to "why" I think like I do.

I am glad to hear that you have developed coping skills and have made some great progress in your life. My concern is then why do you feel compelled to have a drink anyway ?? Is it for a social acceptance or for relief ?? What meaning are you searching for ?? just some questions I ask myself sometimes..

I hope this helps and does not sound to sermon like ...I am not trying to challenge the way you are feeling....

regardless of your decision I look forward to a continued friendship and a lasting connection that we have formed.

much love,

beezy

ayla zaire

dubs is so right.....don't you know that asking 'any mom's out there keeping sane while not using' has saved our lives.......without the support of this thread, any one of us could have relapsed, OD'D....some of us would be LOST.......you have done an important thing in a lot of our lives, hon......you have changed lives.....that must feel amazing.....

c'est la vie

so who PM's others and tells them they are "posers"? And wtf is a poser? An addict wannabe?

beezy, I ask myself the same things. I know that I can't drink to reduce pain and I'm not drinking to find meaning in life (that's what my therapist is for). I think it's the social acceptability that bears the most weight. I may get to the point where that seems like a really lame reason to have a drink and just choose complete abstainance. I've fortunately had many experiences since last summer to test my social wings without alcohol and it has felt good. I've learned so much about myself and feel like I'm growing into the person I was meant to be. OK, so the question again was "Why do you feel compelled to have a drink anyway?" I don't know.

btw, I do look back on my old posts. It's nauseating to think that was really me. I don't EVER want to go back there again.

Smyle

you sound really healthy and that makes me really happy... I know that you have come so far and I for one a extremely proud of you.

I know the social akwardness that comes from not having that drink...

you just keep doing what you are doing....you wear it well...

love you ,
B

Astro

C'est, there's a little saying I've learned in AA that I truly believe. "Nobody wakes up in the morning and feels that their life is so great that an AA meeting would be the icing on the cake". In other words, you tried AA and you're posting here because you have a problem with alcohol. Normal drinkers would never even contemplate whether they have an issue or not.

Candy Scratch

Morning all,

C'est, I find your post interesting. First of all, there is no way I would ever judge you for the choices you make. To me, you have always been (and continue to be) so level and so together. I pray that you *are* a secret "normie" I always listen to what you have to say with completely open ears.

You did come here for a reason. Maybe it was to confirm in your own mind that you are OK, were OK all along. Or maybe it was to compare yourself to those in more dire straits to help you decide. Or maybe it was just to bring us all together...

Whatever the reason, you're here. We love you. We believe in you. We wish you the very best whatever you do. We pray that you don't get sucked under...that one beer doesn't lead to 12, that one glass of wine doesn't lead to 3 bottles, that one pill doesn't lead to handfuls. Who doesn't wish for that? I just urge you to be careful, to be aware, as I'm certain you are.

You know that we are behind you 100 per cent and c'est, don't you dare even consider moving to another board!!

Much love to you -- it must have been hard to write that post.

C
xoxo

pookielolo

(((C'EST))))

All I can say is ditto to all of what Candy and Ayla have said, you have been huge for me, listening to your advice, your wisdom and you worries have helped me more than you know. Our talk, when you brought up "coping" just rang a bell for me, and has led me to find good books, and new ways of life.

YOU have to lead your life as you see will be the healthiest for you, I don't but into the whole EVERY "problem" drinker is an" alcoholic" and will never be able to drink again, but that is me, everyone has to find what works best for them.

You are the reason we are all together here, this is your home, if you are in a good place with yourself and your drinking now, that is just more good advice you can share with us newbies. Us sisters must stay together(and brother)!!!

Love you xoxo

NYCGirl

C'est, when I read your post I felt selfish, selfish that my initial response was to deny you the choice to return to "normal", I was acting like my drinking "friends" that don't want me to quit everyone loves support for what they choose.

Okay more thoughts... the way I was at the end before I stopped was not a choice it was a result, I often toy with the idea that when I grow up and my mid life responsibilities are past I might entertain the idea of drinking again.... cocktails by the pool, a beer on the boat... what ever.... but the thought still stays in the back of my mind that the last fall down drunks were not my choice... how will I know when I am loosing that control to make the choice and that's what scared me.

I hope you stay on with us... no one is here to judge... the important part is that the live you life in control of your goals and dreams....

I sent you a PM just a small sampling of some of your pasts thoughts.... I hope you will read it....

I hope your husband is not helping to pursuade you... I know mine does.... drinkers, even normal ones don't like to drink alone!

(((((((c'est)))))))

BrandiK

"And wtf is a poser? An addict wannabe?"

Why the heck would someone pose as an addict, who'd wanna be one? Ha! That is so funny!


C'est, your recovery or choices as the case may be is your business and that is not only respected, it's honored.

I'm going to share something, and it is not directed at you (aka, it's not meing saying it will happen to you) but directed at others who do have a problem and could be reading this thread thinking ... hummmm ... I could fit here .... that hopeful addict thought.

I first found recovery when I was 15 years old. My mum put me in outpatient recovery, we met 3 times a week. I was also *required* to attend at least 1 AA meeting a week. My mom said if I did not go to the meetings and 'try', she would put me into an inclinic rehab. That scared the heck out of me (and my 15 year old waif self) and so to AA I went. I would be dropped off, do my meeting, get taken home, then go out and drink when rehab was no the next day (they did random drug testing).

Somewhere in there, just before I turned 16, I had a 'spiritual awakening'. I found my faith. And in finding my HP, I found my addiction. I worked the steps (ironically I have little memory of working them) and went through 2 or 3 sponsors.

I stopped going to AA somewhere along the line, but continued to think of myself as an alcoholic. I was sober a little over 11 years.

At 26, my marriage falling apart, I broke my own moral values, thus breaking myself wide open. I drank, out of desperation. I grabbed what was handy, Brandy. And ... <gasp> ... I DID NOT LIKE IT! I sipped at the glass, and ... EWWWWWW .... I cold NOT drink it.

I thought my first drink ought to be falling head first into a bottle. I can not even begin to tell you how free I suddenly felt ... I had been taught to FEAR alcohol, to think of it as the enemy ... that it controlled me, not me it. I felt like a freed prisoner, I did not have to fear the so-called demon alcohol.

I tried out drinking slowly. I sipped on 'girl' drinks, I drank wine coolers ... I started drink wine regularly, though normally.

It took me a year to begin to show signs that I can only see looking back now of the beginning stages of addiction. I added a dollip of brandy to my wine, or had a bit more glasses then others ... nothing much.

When I met Dh, I found tequila, which is my down fall. Goodness, that stuff is like candy to me. Anyway, even in the beginning of that, I did it normally. I mean, just a couple of shots I was great for the night. Light weight! Wow ... hard to remeber those times now. But then, it was all very normal. VERY normal. Sometimes I would have more then I thought I did, the next time I would be more careful. No one else saw my 'problem' and I cerainly wasn't hiding anything.

Moral of the story ... I'm here, ain't I? I got sucidal ... it all happened. It just didn't happen right away. It took a few years before the real decline began.

Not saying this is you, not by any means. That's up to you. This is just me I'd have looked at your post and went ... 'hey! I could do that!' so I wanted to put another perpsective out there.

c'est la vie

I didn't mean to raise a big hoopla or draw a bunch of attention (even though I'm a diagnosed attention getter, lol). I talked to a couple people about this and I think it's right to let you know so I don't have this appearance of being someone I'm not.

nyc, I did read your pm. thank you. Maybe that's just what I needed to keep my head straight.

c'est la vie

I must have used my quota of "thanks" and I lost my button. I wanted to say thank you Brandi for offering that balance. That's exactly what I worried about by posting what I did. Thank you. And yes, that can happen to me. I'm not 100% sure about anything. Probably better off safe than sorry.

RubyT

Warning: This one could be lengthy!

It concerns my best friend. I'm not sure what to do or even how I feel exactly. This woman has been my best friend literally my whole life. Our mothers were friends and neighbors and we were born 16 days apart. It's so cool to look thru old pictures and see her and I together at so many stages of our lives...as babies, as toddlers playing with Barbies, starting kindergarten, riding bikes, junior high graduation, high school graduation, college, bridal showers, baby showers, milestone birthdays, our weddings, births of our children and the many girls nights in that we had...we've been thru it all. We've dropped everything to be there for each other in a crisis. No one knows me better than she does. She's an alcoholic. There have been times I judged her when I was in my denial stage...she was so much worse than I was because she drank in the mornings. I, however could wait until 5:00 so my problem wasn't as bad. We've had soooo many conversations over the past few months about my desire to quit drinking. I've talked about how my drinking was destroying my marriage, my kids, about the black outs. She KNOWS...everything.

Last Friday she called and wanted me to come over for "a beer", we haven't seen each other for so long, yadda yadda. I said no and have not talked to her since. Our norm is a minimum of two conversations per day. On one hand I feel this is for the best. As much as I love her as my friend, I have to admit she can be toxic. Very negative about everything...and I do mean everything. I even explained (as I always do) that I can't or won't stop at A beer. And she knows that, too. I feel like as my friend she shouldn't even ask me to drink with her. Or maybe I should be strong enough to go spend time with her and not drink. Maybe I'm the one that's not being a good friend. Maybe she needed me on that particular day and I was selfish....made it all about me. I miss her. I even called and left an apology on her voice mail that she hasn't responded to. I shouldn't have had to apologize...for what, anyway? Doing what's best for me?

Ok. I know this long and rambling. Not really looking for any advise I guess. Sometimes putting thoughts to words helps me. If you're still awake, thanks for reading.

xoxo

RubyT

C'est, who you are is someone we all love and appreciate.

Talluleh

How many 'thanks' before they take my button away? After all the good conversation going on around here it's gotta be soon for me. ;-)

BrandiK

Ces't, only you could answer that I am not saying it would happen to you, and not arguing (no hoopla here!) Just sharing my experiance. I DO know people on the other end, who it worked out were 'problem drinkers' because of emotional stuff ... they moved on just fine. That kind of thing actually done happen from time to time, just not to the addicts who want it to happen to them ROFL

I wish you well. Your a smart woman who I know will check herself. Too much time around recoverers sure can ruin a good time

Over all, I thank you for your honesty. Stick around anyway, just to chat, tough. What would it be like with you gone? Ack!

jules1973

I even explained (as I always do) that I can't or won't stop at A beer. And she knows that, too. I feel like as my friend she shouldn't even ask me to drink with her. Or maybe I should be strong enough to go spend time with her and not drink. Maybe I'm the one that's not being a good friend.

[/QUOTE]


Ruby - in recovery, I have found that in order to keep my sobriety safe I have to cut myself off from certain people (even family members) because of thier enabling......one of my sisters flew out to California when I was in treatment there and a week after I got home she cam to visit me where I live in CT and she brought a bottle of WINE with her......and said she just needed some "sister time"......helllloooooo????? Some people just honestly do not "get it" but the important thing is that YOU DO......and just setting your boundaries up around you keeps you safe, it has been extremely hard to seperate my self from my five sisters.......but in order for my life to continue and for my marriage to stay in tact and my son to have a mother.....I had to put some boundaries up.....and that is what you did....how she reacts to your boundary is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You did what you had to do.

(((RUBY)))


(((BEEZY))) I am so sorry for your loss, this circle of life we are all a part of certainly does suck at times.

(((C'EST)))) I am a firm believer that NO ONE can tell you whether or not you are an alcoholic or an addict....they can bring your "problem" to the surface and help you recognize certain patterns.......but to DEFINE absolutely whether or not you are one.....uh uh....nope....I think that answer is given to you by your higher power once you have found recovery. My philosophy is that if I obsess about one thing in particular...if I center my thoughts or schedule around it...if I consume energy focusing on that ONE thing (whatever it is)....than I am addicted to it. To me it does not matter the quantity of alcohol or pills that I consumed to get where I did...it was the behaviors around the drinking and the using that made me realize my disease. I was spiritually and emotionally void and trying to fill that void or escape the emptiness......that defined my disease and only you can define yours and no one should judge you and personally, I will never forget the night we were online in the wee hours of the morning and the fact that you were simply there.....from so far away and yet so close....a voice that I could hear saying "you can do this". You will never know what that meant to me and I am sure that in the past 6-12 months you have been that to many others......that alone is worth sticking around for