Dreamz

First of all I'm not really craving today - infact I didn't really think about meth til just then.

Still its not a great day and I'm not exactly sure why!!

I'm a bit stressed at the moment. Actually stressed is the wrong word, I've got lots of things that I know I should be worried about and they're all floating around in my head and I'm worried because I haven't organised them properly yet. It sounds a bit weird but I suffer from OCD at times - I need thing to be organised and worked out and neat and in its place then when I have all these things come up at once I get a little overwhelmed and I freak out rahter then just sitting down and sorting them one by one.

Ugggghhh I just feel like I need to open my head get a filing cabinet and put things in place.

My head is so messed up right now.

Nothing is in order. Like, nothing is wrong so I can't complain about anything but just too much is active. I wish I could put some thoughts on hold until I sort everything out but I can't because I worry about everything!!!

I'm so confused because I'll have these moments when everything is overwhelming me and I feel completely lost and directionless but then everything seems ok for 5 or 10 mins, then it goes bad to being unbearable again.

I JUST NEED TO GET OVER IT!!!

NYCGirl

Oh by the way out my window it's full moon. I swear it messes up my carma.

I hope your not PMSing on top of everything else....

caligirl770

First of all I Love the thread!! Do you exercise?? I find when I am stressed I hit the gym or go for a walk and it really helps to put me in a better mood. Exercise is my new addiction...........

Dreamz

And about the exercising...you know I really should exercise more. I just don't get alot of time - I know thats a poor excuse but it takes me about 2 hours to get to work. So I leave my house at about 6:30am and I don't get home til about 7:30pm then after cooking dinner and cleaning up I just wanna crawl up in bed and sleep for as long as I can.

I know I'm probably making excuses. You know what. I'm going to try and just walk up to the shops and back for grocery shopping. Its only 2 blocks and they aren't big blocks but I guess you have to start somewhere!

Thanks for your encouragement...I'll let youn know how I go!!

Dreamz

Thats it, I'm SOOO over it. I am sick of trying so God dammed hard when there are other people out there having fun and doing what they want without any consequences...well I know there's consequences but who cares. They aren't for AGES!!! Recovery is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't think I've done anything the right way. I hate frickin everything at the moment.

I can't stand feeling like this, I'm up and down, I'm confused, I don't have head space for all these thoughts nad everything was so easy to organise before.

It doesn't get easier it gets frickin harder.

I know everyone on here is going to be mad at me and I'm sorry to let you down but I can't stand it anymore. I just want one day to be easy. I try so hard to look on the bright side but I hate the stupid bright side. I liked it better when I didn't have to worry about anyone because I was in a daze. Nothing is fair anymore. I'm sick of things happening to me and meth lets those things just glide by.

My Ranma has just had a minor heart attack because of all the stress she's been under after losing Ranpa and I know this weekend I have to go and see her and I love her and hope she's ok but I can't handle this sadness. I cry too much and it makes my body hurt. I'm sick of always feeling a lump in my throat. I just hate stupid dumb everything. Life is just one big load of crap - the only people that get ahead are people who I'm never going to be meanwhile I have to sit here and watch my Ranpa die and now my Ranma might die too. I know God doesn't throw more at you than what you can handle but I can't fricking handle this. I just want everything to be better.

ITS NOT FAIR

c'est la vie

Dreamz, girl I hope you're still here. I can't believe I missed this thread and then finally get here so long after you posted this.

Please know that the consequenses can be immediate!!! It's not like eating red meat and possibly ending up with whatever that causes when your 75.

It IS hard.

Sometimes it DOES suck.

Sometimes I wish I could give in and just catch a break from all the hard recovery work. I don't want to see myself "in recovery" the rest of my life. But you know what, if I give in once I might talk myself into thinking that one more time might be all right. Then after those 2 good times I might say, "see I might as well blow this recovery thing since drinking is easier" Then you know what might happen? I might drink so much and not wake up when the kids get home from school!!

My kids might find their mother DEAD in bed. Do I want that? Hell NO

and no one want to have that happen to you either. It CAN happen DREAMZ!

Please please don't give up.

caligirl770

I know recovery DOES suck I totally agree. We have to work a lot harder than those who are not addicts, but that is what makes us unique. We can help eachother and support those who are still using.

I am sorry about your Grandma I will say a prayer for her

Christie

Dreamz

WOW, Just read over my post. I was so angry yesterday. I can't even believe I wrote that. The scary thing is that I really was serious at that time. Lucky I was still in work and there wasn't anything I could do. As soon as I finished I called my sister and just told her that I was slowly losing my mind.

She came and picked me up from the train station and we went home and had a big chat. Not even about drugs. Just about what we used to do when we were little, songs we used to sing, games we used to play stuff like that. Its not drugs I need to make me feel better. I just needed to get angry for a second, I needed to be completely unreasonable and moody.

Its a bit weird because seems lately thats the only way for me to get by. I can be happy happy happy everythings fine then WHAM the next day I'm hating everyone and wanting to throw a tantrum.

I think there's something wrong with me. I hope there isn't. I hope I'm just being a drama queen but surely this isn't normal? Its ok today because I feel good today - I guess cause the weekends coming up and I can just chill out but I HATE the days where I can't concertrate because I'm that jiggety and upset and angry.

Anyway - blah blah blah - thank-you for your support. I'm sorry if you were worried I didn't mean to just lash out like that. I'm not usually a lasher outer'er but I appreciate the support!!!

Dreamz

liiise

you're doing good Dreamz keep ut the good work!! that friend you lost if he's a real friend he'll or she'll be back if not they weren't worth it Dreamz your better off the road without that load lol you seem like a great person, surround yourself with people that have stuff in common with you and are drug free. there's lots of us our here you are a fighter and you're doing great keep up the good work and remember we all have bad days, my thing is when things go bad, i think ummmmmmmmm will this bother me in a year or affect me , if the answer if no (and usually ) is i just moveeeeeeeee on and know tommorw will be a better day... i;m here if you need me and you knowhow to contact me. i've seen first hand what meth did to my friend, as she went from riches started with coke ect.. then oops crack then oops no house lost all 3 kids, living in a crack house, then bahm double stem stoke it will be two theres this christams, so i have a better understanding of the deamon. you beat it dreamz i know you cannnnnnn Luv Lise x0x0

liiise

you're doing good Dreamz keep ut the good work!! that friend you lost if he's a real friend he'll or she'll be back if not they weren't worth it Dreamz your better off the road without that load lol you seem like a great person, surround yourself with people that have stuff in common with you and are drug free. there's lots of us our here you are a fighter and you're doing great keep up the good work and remember we all have bad days, my thing is when things go bad, i think ummmmmmmmm will this bother me in a year or affect me , if the answer if no (and usually ) is i just moveeeeeeeee on and know tommorw will be a better day... i;m here if you need me and you knowhow to contact me. i've seen first hand what meth did to my friend, as she went from riches started with coke ect.. then oops crack then oops no house lost all 3 kids, living in a crack house, then bahm double stem stoke it will be two theres this christams, so i have a better understanding of the deamon. you beat it dreamz i know you cannnnnnn Luv Lise x0x0

beyondbedlam

DZ
Glad to see that you are doing better. Think about it if we could loose our mind then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I just watch out for becoming "too" aware. "Too" meaning so aware that we over think and overdo everything. My motto when this happens "keep it simple stupid." For me I am stupid, for you maybe keep it simple beautiful, whatever works! I hope your ranma is doing better, I know how important grandparents can be.

Keep at it
Life ends at 0 but for some reason the clock stops at 1.

Dreamz

Today has been a good day - which surprised me, I was a bit tired this morning and I had such a good day yesterday that I thought it almost too good to be true. But Here I am feeling good, but not TOOOO good - not to the point of it overwhelming me (I seem to be using that word alot lately)

I think what has really made the difference was going all the way to my parents house and really having a well needed break from my life. It has really made the difference. I have come back with a fresh and positive attitude and I've started doing things like putting money in my bank to pay my bills. I've even put a little aside for all the fines I have to pay. they're nowhere near paid off yet but I really needed to do something about it!!!

THanks for your support.
Lise - your sister told me about that friends of yours - scared the hell out of me. I always think about that whenever I have cravings - it doesn't always work stright away but I think it works in the end which is the main thing!!!

laurience

I am so glad your doing good Dreamz and happy I shared that story with you. It is a very sad sad site to see her in that state. No turning back for her. I wonder if she would have done things differently if she would have known she would end up completely paralyzed and unable to move. I would hope so. The worst part is that she is completely alert and trapped in her own body. Keep it up Dreamz, nobody deserves that life. Your too beautiful inside and out to end up down that path.
Joanne (hugs)

Dreamz

Having another good day today. Things have really been going well for me these last few days. No cravings, no mood swings, just getting things done. I like it!!!

I went for a walk last night. We live close to a big shopping centre so I walked up to get the groceries and then I walked back. Was nice and I was glad I did it - I might do it every afternoon I think!!!

I didn't get to watch the moon. I completely forgot. I was inside cooking up a storm. I made a roast for me and my sister for dinner (she ended up staying out so it ended up being dinner for one but that was ok - I'm starting to really enjoy quiet time for me!) Then after that I was still in a cooking mood so I made a vanilla cake and some choc chip muffins. My favourite part about cooking cakes is decorating them. This one had chocolate icing with pink sprinkles round the outside - a marshmellow pattern on top and those sweet edible letters that spelled out

"Happy un-birthday Dreamz"

I'm feeling so good about how good I've been feeling. I hope this is like the next stage of my recovery - like no cravings, no up and down mood swings!!!

Fingers crossed!!!

liiise

you're just having a few bad days! friends come and go, people are put in your life for a reason, some remain there forever and others come and go. you should really get the 'life strategy' book by dr phil, it helped me with so much of that stuff with friends, and life ect... you'll learn alot about yourself. stay clean honey, going back will only make your life that much worst! you've done so good , keep going and remember everyone has bad days, they come , they go, see them for what they are. and it doesn't help when you're tired, things seem worst!!! have a great day... Lise

Arura

Coooorrrrr (((((((Dreamz)))))))),......Your cookin sound's Dangerously,..... delious.......... ...! Im hungry after reading some of that,....WTG...!

Dont EVER give in Sweetie,...you have so much to offer n so much to life to live, Your a Star Hon.... Your Recovering, it's really tough ehy.!

Keep on doin it Darlin as it's working.........


All power to you........xXx...!

Were ALL here for you Mrs.........xxxxxxxxXXXxXxXxXxXXXXxxxxx.......!

Dreamz

Another great day - and last night was a great night too. I'm really feeling relaxed because things have just changed for the better. Maybe my Ranpa is looking over me from heaven.

I went for a jog last night. I think its really making me feel good. I just turn up my iPod forget the rest of the world and just run in the nice cool night air making my skin refreshingly cool, and my cheeks nice and rosey looking. Just me by myself I feel so free and so alive. Its awesome. I'm really glad I started doing it!!!

I also went out last night to look at the moon. I couldn't see the moon but I stared at the stars for 5 minutes. I don't know what I was hoping to achieve - inner peace perhaps. Nothing really happened. I started thinking about my Ranpa and wondering if he could see me, if he's watching over me. The stars twinkled so bright, and I can feel him still with me, so I know he is watching over me. I know he can see me.

Its very peaceful just sitting there watching the night. If you're going a bit mental and thoughts buzzing inside your head are sending you crazy I suggest just sitting outside and looking at the stars - don't go out there with an agenda - don't try to feel anything, just sit there. Get someone to call you back inside after 5 mins and see how you feel!!!

Dreamz

There are things in my life that are happening that would normally really get my down. I mean I am a bit upset about them but I'm not letting it take over my life.

I feel like I'm drifting apart from my sister. We used to do everything together, we used to have dinner every night together, go shopping together, talk for hours. Now I know I sound like a jealous sister but lately she has been spending ALL her time with her boyfriend and NONE with me. I completely understand I mean he's her boyfriend of course she wants to hang out with him more. I just kinda feel a bit lonely without her. She's my best friend - I don't want anyone else.

Arrrrggg I think I'm just having a down moment because other than that - I'm great. I went for another walk last night - actually this time I jogged. I feel really good about doing that I'm so glad I made that decision to start doing that so thanks to all who encouraged me!

If only I looked as spunky as him!!! lol

laurience

Hi! Dreamz,
I hope you are having a good shift at work. Sorry your missing your sister. Me and my sister have both been through times like that when I get busy with something or somebody else and vice versa.

I am certain your sis loves you just as much as you love her and probably misses you just as much. Transition stages can be hard and lonely. Me and sis are best friends too and it was hard when I moved away (2 hours drive). It was difficult at first but I know were always together in thoughts and in our heart. We're both so blessed to have sisters we're close too. Alot of people don't have that.
Joanne