Free2beme888 One Year Log Part 2
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,339
It went well, Dr was able to close it.
what a relief. 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Cancer is GONE ( took her three tries).
soo happy.
thanks for all the good wishes, three more biopsies in March. 🤞🏼
what a relief. 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Cancer is GONE ( took her three tries).
soo happy.
thanks for all the good wishes, three more biopsies in March. 🤞🏼
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,339
Hello Free, how are you doing?
Well, I’m doing ok. Thankful that the abnormal female bleeding has stopped, a little anxious about not having a definitive answer on endometrial biopsy though. Also glad stitches are out of my hand, and that even though it still super sore, that it’s on the mend. Grateful my arm incision is healing well.
No, no, no, Free! Not the social stuff, the Deep stuff, you know, recovery and sober stuff.
Oh! Well, today is 180 days. I can hardly believe it. Forever still seems far away and so am taking it one day at a time. Feelings are there, and that still feels weird.
My resolve is still there, not to go back to the hell I was in, and the downward health spiral that was dragging me ever faster to my eventual demise. Some memories are popping up, even here, as I am here at a friends, I remember being here last year—having wine, and then feeling SO anxious about getting more, wondering where they keep there booze, wondering how I could sneak some, and I never did-only because I couldn’t find any, and fear of being caught. What a miserable time.
Im so glad, sooooo glad, that somehow my higher power, my little soul — cried loud enough so that my non-lizard brain could here that voice, “Save me, Free, you CAN do this, you are killing us, and you KNOW it”.
Some days are sooooo slow. The minutes eek by. Some days are good, and the thoughts about drinking, past and potentially the present, come and go.
Queen relapse is NOT invited to tea, or any extended thoughts in that direction. People sometimes tell me “it’s fine, just have one”, or “it won’t hurt just for tonight.”. Uhhhhhh. Right. It wouldn’t be just one, and the scary part is, it wouldn’t be for just one night. When I decided to drink “just for one night” in 2019, it was just over two years, TWO YEARS folks, before I got my head above water and out of the murky sea of wash, rinse, repeat. Drink, feel terrible physically, mentally, and spiritually, swear off it, and then drink again within hours or days.
No more merry go round. Not paying anymore. Not living for others anymore, it’s me alone, it’s MY life, and I control it, and my thoughts, arms, hands, legs, feet and mouth. 🧠💪🏼🤚🏼🦵🏼🦶🏼👄
Amen🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Well, I’m doing ok. Thankful that the abnormal female bleeding has stopped, a little anxious about not having a definitive answer on endometrial biopsy though. Also glad stitches are out of my hand, and that even though it still super sore, that it’s on the mend. Grateful my arm incision is healing well.
No, no, no, Free! Not the social stuff, the Deep stuff, you know, recovery and sober stuff.
Oh! Well, today is 180 days. I can hardly believe it. Forever still seems far away and so am taking it one day at a time. Feelings are there, and that still feels weird.
My resolve is still there, not to go back to the hell I was in, and the downward health spiral that was dragging me ever faster to my eventual demise. Some memories are popping up, even here, as I am here at a friends, I remember being here last year—having wine, and then feeling SO anxious about getting more, wondering where they keep there booze, wondering how I could sneak some, and I never did-only because I couldn’t find any, and fear of being caught. What a miserable time.
Im so glad, sooooo glad, that somehow my higher power, my little soul — cried loud enough so that my non-lizard brain could here that voice, “Save me, Free, you CAN do this, you are killing us, and you KNOW it”.
Some days are sooooo slow. The minutes eek by. Some days are good, and the thoughts about drinking, past and potentially the present, come and go.
Queen relapse is NOT invited to tea, or any extended thoughts in that direction. People sometimes tell me “it’s fine, just have one”, or “it won’t hurt just for tonight.”. Uhhhhhh. Right. It wouldn’t be just one, and the scary part is, it wouldn’t be for just one night. When I decided to drink “just for one night” in 2019, it was just over two years, TWO YEARS folks, before I got my head above water and out of the murky sea of wash, rinse, repeat. Drink, feel terrible physically, mentally, and spiritually, swear off it, and then drink again within hours or days.
No more merry go round. Not paying anymore. Not living for others anymore, it’s me alone, it’s MY life, and I control it, and my thoughts, arms, hands, legs, feet and mouth. 🧠💪🏼🤚🏼🦵🏼🦶🏼👄
Amen🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Great job Free. Yeah, I have made the mistake of having "just one" and watching the long term sobriety go down the drain. Last time was in Thailand in 2017, so let's see.. that's FIVE years ago.. during which time I haven't had more than 3 or 4 months, before slipping back. Wow. Glad you reminded me!
Congrats on 180 days.. You have really earned it!
Congrats on 180 days.. You have really earned it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,997
Hi Free,
Great to see an update from you! 180 days, what a lovely number.
I can certainly relate to the feeling of needing more alcohol than was offered at various friends' homes. I did, on more than one occasion, put a good extra slug of gin in my glass at one friend's place when she went to the bathroom. She's a normie and always has a fully stocked liquor cabinet. Those days must be over.
Always find your thread very helpful!
Great to see an update from you! 180 days, what a lovely number.
I can certainly relate to the feeling of needing more alcohol than was offered at various friends' homes. I did, on more than one occasion, put a good extra slug of gin in my glass at one friend's place when she went to the bathroom. She's a normie and always has a fully stocked liquor cabinet. Those days must be over.
Always find your thread very helpful!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,339
I broke up with you six months ago
I broke up with you six months ago
you came into my life at a very young age, promising me all kinds of things. You promised me a solace from some of the atrocities in my life. You promised to make me more beautiful, and even have large companies promoting your wonderful qualities. And for a while, it was a pretty good relationship, or so I thought. I bought into the marketing schemes, and I thought I was in control of our relationship. You are very popular among so many people. They also believe your lies. But for the last six years it got very toxic. And for a good while in those years I didn’t even realize what a strong hold you had on my life. I didn’t even know that you were trying to kill me. What kind of a friend would do that?
I knew you weren’t a good friend to my daughter and I knew you weren’t a good friend to a few people that I knew. But I thought that was between you and them. And I actually thought my friends were the one with the problem, not you. How could you be a problem? It Has to be the other person, right?
I always thought I was a good friend. I really didn’t deserve the toxic relationship I was tricked into. But now I am wiser. I am so much stronger. And I am no longer in a relationship with you. I hate you. I do not miss trying to hide it, our relationship. It’s like any other dysfunctional relationship, where people try to hide what is really going on behind closed doors.
As with ending any toxic relationship or actually any good relationship for that matter, initially I missed us being together. my brain sensed a loss, whether it was good for me to break up with you or not. And how guilty I felt, for missing you, missing that was what turned out to be so bad for me. How could I miss that?
The withdrawals were not very fun. But as time went by since the last time we were together, my thoughts are much more clear, and my realization as to just how awful our relationship was has come to light. I’m never going back to you. EVER…….
You may try to trick me into thinking it will be different. But usually these relationships don’t change, they just get worse and worse. And now I know what your MO is. You are trying to kill me. And I won’t let you.
My life is so much better without you. I love my new life. And I am moving on. Goodbye.
you came into my life at a very young age, promising me all kinds of things. You promised me a solace from some of the atrocities in my life. You promised to make me more beautiful, and even have large companies promoting your wonderful qualities. And for a while, it was a pretty good relationship, or so I thought. I bought into the marketing schemes, and I thought I was in control of our relationship. You are very popular among so many people. They also believe your lies. But for the last six years it got very toxic. And for a good while in those years I didn’t even realize what a strong hold you had on my life. I didn’t even know that you were trying to kill me. What kind of a friend would do that?
I knew you weren’t a good friend to my daughter and I knew you weren’t a good friend to a few people that I knew. But I thought that was between you and them. And I actually thought my friends were the one with the problem, not you. How could you be a problem? It Has to be the other person, right?
I always thought I was a good friend. I really didn’t deserve the toxic relationship I was tricked into. But now I am wiser. I am so much stronger. And I am no longer in a relationship with you. I hate you. I do not miss trying to hide it, our relationship. It’s like any other dysfunctional relationship, where people try to hide what is really going on behind closed doors.
As with ending any toxic relationship or actually any good relationship for that matter, initially I missed us being together. my brain sensed a loss, whether it was good for me to break up with you or not. And how guilty I felt, for missing you, missing that was what turned out to be so bad for me. How could I miss that?
The withdrawals were not very fun. But as time went by since the last time we were together, my thoughts are much more clear, and my realization as to just how awful our relationship was has come to light. I’m never going back to you. EVER…….
You may try to trick me into thinking it will be different. But usually these relationships don’t change, they just get worse and worse. And now I know what your MO is. You are trying to kill me. And I won’t let you.
My life is so much better without you. I love my new life. And I am moving on. Goodbye.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,339
Thanks Dee, Leshar, AL, any any others that might be reading.
Its early days, and it still feels weird sometimes, but I’m doing the work. The healing work this time.
Quitting that drinking relationship is the catalyst for healing deeper wounds for sure🤓❤️
Its early days, and it still feels weird sometimes, but I’m doing the work. The healing work this time.
Quitting that drinking relationship is the catalyst for healing deeper wounds for sure🤓❤️
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