Free2beme888 One Year Log Part 2
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Free2beme888 One Year Log Part 2
continues from here 
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...1-21-a-20.html (Free2beme888 Daily one year log 9/1/21)
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https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...1-21-a-20.html (Free2beme888 Daily one year log 9/1/21)
D
Last edited by Dee74; 04-16-2022 at 06:14 PM. Reason: altered title
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
For anyone desiring to view this thread, I’m down to about once a week and as needed here, as iam choosing to support other threads, including morning gratitude and my class on a more frequent basis.
Here I share my trials and tribulations, my successes, and sometimes cool pictures, quotes or prayers that touch me as I navigate my last first year sober journey.
It is my hope that although I post for selfish reasons and accountability here, that if you read, or read and post here, that somehow a post or comment may help you on your journey as well.
❤️🤓
Here I share my trials and tribulations, my successes, and sometimes cool pictures, quotes or prayers that touch me as I navigate my last first year sober journey.
It is my hope that although I post for selfish reasons and accountability here, that if you read, or read and post here, that somehow a post or comment may help you on your journey as well.
❤️🤓
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Some great quotes at the end of the last thread, Free - on being positive, and taking action. I always need to hear that, so thank you.
You're strong, and will get through these things, one by one you will vanquish them!
Always great to read your creative and insightful posts - keep up the great attitude and action!
You're strong, and will get through these things, one by one you will vanquish them!
Always great to read your creative and insightful posts - keep up the great attitude and action!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Day 171 calm and horribly anxious
Okay, Free, Day 171! Woot woot🎉🎏🎊🪅🪄………….Hello?
WTH is that weird look on your face for? Oh, stuff on your mind, it’s not all unicorns and rainbows? 🌈
Gee, are you asking me because you care, or because you have Schadenfreude? Ok, I don’t care. I’ll tell you.
First, I CANNOT believe in the miracle of this sober gift. When I screwed up in August, I was so embarrassed, and feeling like such a loser. I’ve learned a few things since August of 2021.
One of the most important things I learned is that I am not flawed. Did you hear that ego? Say it! “I AM NOT FLAWED!”
My brain adapted to alcohol, and was changed by my consumption, increasing the need for more alcohol and the perception that I needed it to live, to survive, hell, just to exist. Or cook. Or clean. Or wallow in anger. Or talk to my sister. Or watch a show on the tube. Or enjoy a fire. Or feel sorry for myself. Or celebrate.
My brain adapted to alcohol, so that I didn’t feel as wasted as I was. I didn’t notice the change in my character, the deceit to myself and my loved ones.
Oh, and I did it to myself! Yep! That’s a hard one to swallow. 💊 Gulp.😳 Scratchy and uncomfortable and a little nauseating to accept that medicine of realization and accountability.🥺🤢
And I learned Why. W H Y.(What Hell, Ya’ll). Sexual abuse. Emotional trauma. Neglect. Feelings of unworthiness. Physical trauma. Unable to forgive myself. Unable to let go of past resentments. Unwilling to forgive others for their trespasses. Unwilling to let go of control. Not knowing how to trust myself. Def not trusting others. And feeling. FEELING. What is that?
Oh no, poor me. Poor little girl. Poor woman. Poor me, poor me, pour me, pour me, pour me….a drink! That’ll fix it. Numbing, smoothing, erasing. That was the goal.
Did it work Free? It worked, or you wouldn’t have done it! 😈👹
It did, for a few years……..well, I THOUGHT it did. Well, maybe not actually…….It didn’t erase anything that was done to me, all of that was still there. Oh, and yes, all that I did to harm others, all those mistakes that I remember and those that I don’t, they are still there. I’m working through it. And NO ONE has died feeling their feelings. Actually, they are pretty cool now that I’m learning not to fear them. They are a GIFT 🎁
So I say “bring them on!” The memories, the thoughts, the good, bad, joyous and ugly. Bring on those urges to drink. Yeah, DO IT! I have chosen LIFE, and all that it brings. My sword is my sobriety, my shield and sanctuary are my HP. Nothing, NOTHING is stronger than love, and I’m choosing to love myself, to set AND keep (that’s hard for people like me)boundaries, and to be honest with myself and my words.
So the BEAST can’t get to you? You are done believing it’s lies?
Yes. Absolutely.
WTH is that weird look on your face for? Oh, stuff on your mind, it’s not all unicorns and rainbows? 🌈
Gee, are you asking me because you care, or because you have Schadenfreude? Ok, I don’t care. I’ll tell you.
First, I CANNOT believe in the miracle of this sober gift. When I screwed up in August, I was so embarrassed, and feeling like such a loser. I’ve learned a few things since August of 2021.
One of the most important things I learned is that I am not flawed. Did you hear that ego? Say it! “I AM NOT FLAWED!”
My brain adapted to alcohol, and was changed by my consumption, increasing the need for more alcohol and the perception that I needed it to live, to survive, hell, just to exist. Or cook. Or clean. Or wallow in anger. Or talk to my sister. Or watch a show on the tube. Or enjoy a fire. Or feel sorry for myself. Or celebrate.
My brain adapted to alcohol, so that I didn’t feel as wasted as I was. I didn’t notice the change in my character, the deceit to myself and my loved ones.
Oh, and I did it to myself! Yep! That’s a hard one to swallow. 💊 Gulp.😳 Scratchy and uncomfortable and a little nauseating to accept that medicine of realization and accountability.🥺🤢
And I learned Why. W H Y.(What Hell, Ya’ll). Sexual abuse. Emotional trauma. Neglect. Feelings of unworthiness. Physical trauma. Unable to forgive myself. Unable to let go of past resentments. Unwilling to forgive others for their trespasses. Unwilling to let go of control. Not knowing how to trust myself. Def not trusting others. And feeling. FEELING. What is that?
Oh no, poor me. Poor little girl. Poor woman. Poor me, poor me, pour me, pour me, pour me….a drink! That’ll fix it. Numbing, smoothing, erasing. That was the goal.
Did it work Free? It worked, or you wouldn’t have done it! 😈👹
It did, for a few years……..well, I THOUGHT it did. Well, maybe not actually…….It didn’t erase anything that was done to me, all of that was still there. Oh, and yes, all that I did to harm others, all those mistakes that I remember and those that I don’t, they are still there. I’m working through it. And NO ONE has died feeling their feelings. Actually, they are pretty cool now that I’m learning not to fear them. They are a GIFT 🎁
So I say “bring them on!” The memories, the thoughts, the good, bad, joyous and ugly. Bring on those urges to drink. Yeah, DO IT! I have chosen LIFE, and all that it brings. My sword is my sobriety, my shield and sanctuary are my HP. Nothing, NOTHING is stronger than love, and I’m choosing to love myself, to set AND keep (that’s hard for people like me)boundaries, and to be honest with myself and my words.
So the BEAST can’t get to you? You are done believing it’s lies?
Yes. Absolutely.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
So, in the past six weeks I’ve been diagnosed with skin cancer, gone through one surgery and will have another tomorrow. It’s frightening.
I’ve had a scare about potential uterine cancer, and that will remain an unknown until symptoms show again.
Life isn’t fair. And all that I am owed is written on a blank piece of paper.
And I’m going to be ok, no matter the outcome, because I’m not going to betray my soul or my body.
The memories of hidden bottles, of water glasses half filled with hard liquor, the belief that Dr Free didn’t know (but he probably did) come back to me at the weirdest moments in my daily life.
As I’m opening up the cupboard under the kitchen sink, as I light the fireplace. As I brush my teeth. And instead of feeling horrible, I’m glad.
Im glad I’ve learned gratitude, and for all the beauty the universe holds. And the power of living in the now. The feel of the smooth glass under my fingertips as I type on my iPad. The sunlight dancing on the carpet. The feel of leather on my jeans, and the feel of my jeans against my skin. The feel of my reading glasses resting on my nose and behind my ears. The sound of children screaming from the nearby playground, and the sweet sound of Sarah McLaughlin as her voice resonates out of the speaker near my feet. The taste of saliva in my mouth, and my tongue, how it rests against my teeth, and the clench of my jaw, when I type something that instigates feelings of anxiousness.
By God, I am alive! What a gift!
Blessings!
🤓❤️
I’ve had a scare about potential uterine cancer, and that will remain an unknown until symptoms show again.
Life isn’t fair. And all that I am owed is written on a blank piece of paper.
And I’m going to be ok, no matter the outcome, because I’m not going to betray my soul or my body.
The memories of hidden bottles, of water glasses half filled with hard liquor, the belief that Dr Free didn’t know (but he probably did) come back to me at the weirdest moments in my daily life.
As I’m opening up the cupboard under the kitchen sink, as I light the fireplace. As I brush my teeth. And instead of feeling horrible, I’m glad.
Im glad I’ve learned gratitude, and for all the beauty the universe holds. And the power of living in the now. The feel of the smooth glass under my fingertips as I type on my iPad. The sunlight dancing on the carpet. The feel of leather on my jeans, and the feel of my jeans against my skin. The feel of my reading glasses resting on my nose and behind my ears. The sound of children screaming from the nearby playground, and the sweet sound of Sarah McLaughlin as her voice resonates out of the speaker near my feet. The taste of saliva in my mouth, and my tongue, how it rests against my teeth, and the clench of my jaw, when I type something that instigates feelings of anxiousness.
By God, I am alive! What a gift!
Blessings!
🤓❤️
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