Free2beme888 One Year Log Part 2
wonderful Free. Keep up the great work 😊
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Times just slipping’ away
Well, Free……what’s going on?
Well, I’ve been recovering from skin cancer surgery, reading here A LOT (not here really, on this thread, but on a daily gratitude thread, and others), hosting tons of visitors, and actively recovering from my addiction. It’s really been taking all my time.
OMG, skin cancer? ‘Tons’ of visitors? And what exactly do you perceive is ‘actively’ recovering. Don’t you just say, “NO!”? Any drinking thoughts over these stressors?
Give me a sec here, okay!? The skin cancer is malignant, but not as aggressive as melanoma, and I will likely be ok. One of the surgeries was very deep, on a fragile area, so the pain was intense for three and a half weeks. The old me would have drank over it. Thank goodness I am out of the chains of addiction, so I can actually know and ACT on the fact that drinking jet fuel will not help cancer cells die in my body. Far from it. So between the biopsies, the surgeries, and the pathology, no, I didn’t want to drink. It’s even MORE motivation to eat well, relax, engage in rigorous exercise, eat ice cream, etc.
The visitors, all went well, even the friends of hubbies I don’t care for too well. I was all psyched to speak my mind to them, to protect my boundaries about husbands late wife, their interrogations and judgement on my choice to eliminate alcohol from my diet, etc, and ………wa la! They didn’t say a word. I didn’t drink over the stress of their impending visit (I cried my anxiety out😰, which is really ok). We have one more set of visitors for overnight this week, and hosting two dinners before then. Alcohol will be served at all, and I’m not bothered by it.
The last time I quit alcohol for a good period of time, over a year, I quit alcohol, I did really major stuff, like move, eliminated ExABF out of my life, got a new job, etc. BUT.(It’s a BIG BUT…….), I didn’t do so many things I needed to do for me:
I failed to:
Look inward hard enough.
To remember yucky things, and say that’s okay (forgive myself, and others—working on letting go of those resentments)
To practice self love, not just self care. Ex. Boundaries-defining and defending, baths, better hygiene, resting, being honest with myself and others…
Ask for help (in urge surfing). Here, on SR, googling other programs and instituting some of their tools….
To realize that abstinence IS NOT CONTROL. This is huge, folks….H. U. G. E. 😩
So, I feel like I’m healing, and the days are whizzing by quickly and slowly.😎😟🤪😄😇😘😉🤯🤬🙄🥴😵💫🥱😴
But you didn’t address the drinking thoughts. You’ve had none? Hard to believe……
Oh, I have, but they are few and far between. They come unexpectedly, like when I plugged in my device near the back of the couch to post and read an hour ago. I used to hide a bottle of wine there, and guzzle it in secret. It’s a negative thought.
While doing dishes, I used to sneak sips. When I put something in the garbage sometimes, I think of how I would bury the bottle under coffee grounds and food slops.
I’m not her any more. That was a person, intelligent, caring, soulful, energetic, honest whose encasement in the prison of active addiction changed her into a numb, selfish, lazy, depressed, sneaky effer that almost killed the former with self loathing and continued self destructive activities.
So glad to be choosing life, every day.
Well, I’ve been recovering from skin cancer surgery, reading here A LOT (not here really, on this thread, but on a daily gratitude thread, and others), hosting tons of visitors, and actively recovering from my addiction. It’s really been taking all my time.
OMG, skin cancer? ‘Tons’ of visitors? And what exactly do you perceive is ‘actively’ recovering. Don’t you just say, “NO!”? Any drinking thoughts over these stressors?
Give me a sec here, okay!? The skin cancer is malignant, but not as aggressive as melanoma, and I will likely be ok. One of the surgeries was very deep, on a fragile area, so the pain was intense for three and a half weeks. The old me would have drank over it. Thank goodness I am out of the chains of addiction, so I can actually know and ACT on the fact that drinking jet fuel will not help cancer cells die in my body. Far from it. So between the biopsies, the surgeries, and the pathology, no, I didn’t want to drink. It’s even MORE motivation to eat well, relax, engage in rigorous exercise, eat ice cream, etc.
The visitors, all went well, even the friends of hubbies I don’t care for too well. I was all psyched to speak my mind to them, to protect my boundaries about husbands late wife, their interrogations and judgement on my choice to eliminate alcohol from my diet, etc, and ………wa la! They didn’t say a word. I didn’t drink over the stress of their impending visit (I cried my anxiety out😰, which is really ok). We have one more set of visitors for overnight this week, and hosting two dinners before then. Alcohol will be served at all, and I’m not bothered by it.
The last time I quit alcohol for a good period of time, over a year, I quit alcohol, I did really major stuff, like move, eliminated ExABF out of my life, got a new job, etc. BUT.(It’s a BIG BUT…….), I didn’t do so many things I needed to do for me:
I failed to:
Look inward hard enough.
To remember yucky things, and say that’s okay (forgive myself, and others—working on letting go of those resentments)
To practice self love, not just self care. Ex. Boundaries-defining and defending, baths, better hygiene, resting, being honest with myself and others…
Ask for help (in urge surfing). Here, on SR, googling other programs and instituting some of their tools….
To realize that abstinence IS NOT CONTROL. This is huge, folks….H. U. G. E. 😩
So, I feel like I’m healing, and the days are whizzing by quickly and slowly.😎😟🤪😄😇😘😉🤯🤬🙄🥴😵💫🥱😴
But you didn’t address the drinking thoughts. You’ve had none? Hard to believe……
Oh, I have, but they are few and far between. They come unexpectedly, like when I plugged in my device near the back of the couch to post and read an hour ago. I used to hide a bottle of wine there, and guzzle it in secret. It’s a negative thought.
While doing dishes, I used to sneak sips. When I put something in the garbage sometimes, I think of how I would bury the bottle under coffee grounds and food slops.
I’m not her any more. That was a person, intelligent, caring, soulful, energetic, honest whose encasement in the prison of active addiction changed her into a numb, selfish, lazy, depressed, sneaky effer that almost killed the former with self loathing and continued self destructive activities.
So glad to be choosing life, every day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Such an amazing post, Free. You have so much self-awareness and think so comprehensively about all of this, and have been through so much - I would be worn out - but your energy and positivity are amazing! I hope the hand continues to heal and cancer never makes a return. Wishing you a fantastic Spring, filled with lots of adventures!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Thanks for your support adv, Leshar, and AL 🤓❤️
It’s amazing how this forum, which is made up of so many souls, can really be our higher power.
You are all that for me, all of you, including those that just stay and read 💻📱
It’s amazing how this forum, which is made up of so many souls, can really be our higher power.
You are all that for me, all of you, including those that just stay and read 💻📱
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Well, it’s not so much about me anymore, it’s about helping others on this site on other threads.
Yep, still here, just over seven months. Plugging along and able to look in the mirror and like who I see.
We can do this!
Yep, still here, just over seven months. Plugging along and able to look in the mirror and like who I see.
We can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 2,840
So true Free. Life changes so much for the better by getting past the struggles of the beginning and finding the tools that work. I hope passing this on helps those starting or struggling with addiction like i know it did for me. Thankyou Free
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
It’s been about two weeks since I’ve checked in here on this thread.
life’s been a roller coaster of emotions and happenings, and I’m riding the few and far between AV calls without much turbulence.
Its happening, the contentment and faith of the sober life.
Ive had some drinking dreams, but they were dreams. Doing more self work, reading SR everyday. It amazes me how much there is to read here! I’m posting in a gratitude thread almost every day, and find that even if I’m having a yucky day, or feel like the stress is going to drive me crazy or to drink (drinking WOULD BE CRAZY), switching those negative thoughts into positive and thankful for what I DO have puts the squash on and cravings.
I know posting here matters, especially to those silently reading different posts here, may be well into their sober life, may be not there yet, but wondering if they have a problem and looking for answers or direction.
I don’t have the answers for others, but the answer for myself is, finally, never drinking alcohol again.
It’s amazing, a privilege, to swim against the herd. In a simple phrase, “The choice to live alcohol free is just that, freeing”.
life’s been a roller coaster of emotions and happenings, and I’m riding the few and far between AV calls without much turbulence.
Its happening, the contentment and faith of the sober life.
Ive had some drinking dreams, but they were dreams. Doing more self work, reading SR everyday. It amazes me how much there is to read here! I’m posting in a gratitude thread almost every day, and find that even if I’m having a yucky day, or feel like the stress is going to drive me crazy or to drink (drinking WOULD BE CRAZY), switching those negative thoughts into positive and thankful for what I DO have puts the squash on and cravings.
I know posting here matters, especially to those silently reading different posts here, may be well into their sober life, may be not there yet, but wondering if they have a problem and looking for answers or direction.
I don’t have the answers for others, but the answer for myself is, finally, never drinking alcohol again.
It’s amazing, a privilege, to swim against the herd. In a simple phrase, “The choice to live alcohol free is just that, freeing”.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Thanks, Hawkeye!
Doing well, 8 months passed yesterday!
Getting easier, retraining that brain, it’s time consuming, difficult (but getting easier), AND SO WORTH IT!
Boy, it was soooo hard to get the strength again to put down for good. Kindling is scary, indeed. Have more desire to reap the benefits of sobriety, than to chase a long lost feeling of fleeting bliss.
Thanks everyone, for your support!
Doing well, 8 months passed yesterday!
Getting easier, retraining that brain, it’s time consuming, difficult (but getting easier), AND SO WORTH IT!
Boy, it was soooo hard to get the strength again to put down for good. Kindling is scary, indeed. Have more desire to reap the benefits of sobriety, than to chase a long lost feeling of fleeting bliss.
Thanks everyone, for your support!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Hawkeye, thank you so much for your steady support, through sobriety in 2018, my growth and transformation moving past and away from a dysfunctional relationship and toward self love.
You have been an integral part of my healing then and now.
Hugs!
You have been an integral part of my healing then and now.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
I don’t climb trees anymore, it’s dangerous, and my awareness of that chapter in my life is long gone. It was a great high, to live on the edge up in the trees, to feel invincible, to feel free, like a bird.
I don’t run anymore. I’m older, and my body doesn’t respond like it did, and the neck fusion area aches if I try.
I don’t get so upset at little things anymore, or at least not as much. I was almost addicted to the rage I had when someone disappointed me, or I disappointed myself. I’m exploring more mature and a higher level of emotional management than rage, shame, guilt, and anxiety.
I don’t drink anymore. The high was great, the occasions I drank those first few years. Until the drink was taking the drinks, and not ‘me’. The drink was threatening to take me, too. No, no, I am aware, can’t be unaware of that, but make better choices everyday.
I consciously relax. I feel feelings and let them go if they cause angst.
I feel empathy toward others. Used to be so selfish in active addiction.
Im looking forward to more contentment in my life. Not a pain free existence, but to roll with the punches without hurting myself.
I am putting my oxygen mask on first every morning. Me first. It’s my life. My body, my soul.
Thank you God, for the gifts of my senses, I still have all of them, although in diminished capacity.
Thank you, God, for the gifts of my family of origin. They teach me how to be, and how not to be. They are teaching me that my boundaries and letting go of some of them are about me, not them.
Thank you God, for my family of choice, the souls that are loving and caring here on SR. They are my higher power, and I can call upon them when they are needed, and they will respond in kind.
Thank you God, for my country, as messed up as it is right now. There are so many worse places to be right now.
Thank you, God, for answering my call of sobriety. Thank you for all the tools and for helping me have the strength to save my earthly body and my heavenly soul.
Thank you, God, for transporting me through the chapters of my life, for allowing me to let go of who I used to be, a lost abused little girl, neglected and abandoned, to blossom and be transformed intentionally into someone I love and can care for.
Thank you for the world so sweet
Thank you for the food we eat
Thank you for the birds that sing,
Thank you, God, for everything.
Amen
I don’t run anymore. I’m older, and my body doesn’t respond like it did, and the neck fusion area aches if I try.
I don’t get so upset at little things anymore, or at least not as much. I was almost addicted to the rage I had when someone disappointed me, or I disappointed myself. I’m exploring more mature and a higher level of emotional management than rage, shame, guilt, and anxiety.
I don’t drink anymore. The high was great, the occasions I drank those first few years. Until the drink was taking the drinks, and not ‘me’. The drink was threatening to take me, too. No, no, I am aware, can’t be unaware of that, but make better choices everyday.
I consciously relax. I feel feelings and let them go if they cause angst.
I feel empathy toward others. Used to be so selfish in active addiction.
Im looking forward to more contentment in my life. Not a pain free existence, but to roll with the punches without hurting myself.
I am putting my oxygen mask on first every morning. Me first. It’s my life. My body, my soul.
Thank you God, for the gifts of my senses, I still have all of them, although in diminished capacity.
Thank you, God, for the gifts of my family of origin. They teach me how to be, and how not to be. They are teaching me that my boundaries and letting go of some of them are about me, not them.
Thank you God, for my family of choice, the souls that are loving and caring here on SR. They are my higher power, and I can call upon them when they are needed, and they will respond in kind.
Thank you God, for my country, as messed up as it is right now. There are so many worse places to be right now.
Thank you, God, for answering my call of sobriety. Thank you for all the tools and for helping me have the strength to save my earthly body and my heavenly soul.
Thank you, God, for transporting me through the chapters of my life, for allowing me to let go of who I used to be, a lost abused little girl, neglected and abandoned, to blossom and be transformed intentionally into someone I love and can care for.
Thank you for the world so sweet
Thank you for the food we eat
Thank you for the birds that sing,
Thank you, God, for everything.
Amen
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