Cityboy

Buttermarsh, in another thread yesterday Least shared that in 2007, after 20 years of sobriety, she again found herself drinking wine all day every day. I keep thinking back to the discussion we had here once about moving past the thoughts of "why can't I have just one", and thinking along the lines of "why would I want to drink one". Of course being sober helps with being able to rationalize. Alcohol used to be such a priority, but now I can think about 'what possible good would come from drinking?'

It is very interesting to see the differences and similarities in our stories. Reading about other people's thoughts and experiences, and as dontlookback said "anonymously", seems to allow me to reflect without the defensive barriers.

I'm glad that your spiritual walk has taken you to a better place mentally.

venuscat

I can't remember what I said about AA exactly, but I am loving reading these posts.

One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough dear Butter.
That is a big AA saying that I love.

ButterMarsh

Hi classmates.

I hope everyone is having/has had a good Sunday. It was a nice, long day for me; I went out for a long walk and play time at the park with the kids, got back home in time to enjoy the rain outside and concluded the day with a lovely family barbecue.

I had the AV talk to me a bit during the barbecue. Hubby was drinking what was previously our favourite brandy, and seemed to have a jolly good time of it. It made me a bit wistful, wishing that I could just enjoy the moment with him. I forced myself to snap out of it, though, and to see what the truth actually was in that situation; that I was lucky to be fully present and enjoying every bit of our family experience, music and all, and that I could look forward to a calm bedtime routine with the kids, with no anxiety, an early night and a refreshing morning the following day. No regrets, either. Phew! Another win for sobriety, lol.

ButterMarsh

CB, the thought of drinking again after 20 years of sobriety is downright scary for me. Of course, I've read similar stories here... Perhaps that happens when someone doesn't complete their personal healing journey or when they neglect to do continuous maintenance of their healed selves? I pray I never find out, lol.

I do remember our discussion of 'why would I want to drink one'. It's nice to look at it again as, just today, I found myself wishing that I could have that 'one'. Of course, in true alcoholic fashion, I knew that what my AV wanted was to get good and drunk just for the day... Or, at the very least, attain that 'happy' high. Yuck! If I could drink like a normie, I probably would have indulged that 'one' drink. Because, if we're literally talking about just one drink, that's an impossibility for me, and certainly makes no sense, lol. Suze's AA saying above is apt for this moment.

ButterMarsh

What possible good would come from drinking? Nothing. I now believe this, not just for alcoholics but for everyone else. At a basic level, drinking alcohol is an empty pursuit, similar to drinking coca cola. I don't think humans need alcohol at all, or other mood altering substances... I wish I had known this before I started drinking but I'm glad that I, at least, know now. The trick is in never indulging to begin with; second best is quitting early....

dontlookbacchus

Good morning Januarians

A very early start today and a very bleary eyed classmate here. This is just a check-in for now as less than 20% of me feels actually awake.
Lovely to read all your posts though. I will definitely write a bit more later.

have a healthy, happy and sober day all.

dlb

Cityboy

Morning all.

Buttermarsh, great job not drinking at the barbecue.

I think that in high school through early 20s, I was so desperate to fit in, and the drinking was a definite way of doing that. Then in late 20s, as life's stresses began taking hold, it took on a much different purpose.

"Never indulging to begin with" or "quitting early". It does make one wonder. Many of my early friends who also drank did not become alcoholics. Some did. Once I began my job after college and started adjusting to married life, house payments, etc, I was never going to quit early.

What could have been different in those early years that would have prevented addiction? A more positive role model perhaps? Certainly does no good to assign blame now. I'll take it as a reason to be a better roll model myself, now.

venuscat

Some people can drink one or two and enjoy it.
For me, that has never happened.

I knew I was addicted to alcohol from my first real taste...well, we were allowed a sip of the kosher wine on Friday nights (Sabbath dinner Jewish house), but that didn't trigger me. But at 11, when my dad allowed me to have a small amount of chocolate liqueur, I was off to the races. I was looking for ways to sneak back into the booze cupboard and get more, and I did. Drunk at 11. Holy moly.

I never ever once had one drink in my life.
I never even understood what it meant when I heard anyone say yes I would love a small glass of wine.....my only thought was ever: why?

I was made this way. I have at least 4 of 8 uncles in my mum's family who died from alcohol-related issues. Like kidney failure....so basically they died alcoholics who never stopped drinking. I was made this way.....so I long ago stopped feeling guilt or shame over my obsession with alcohol. But I learned when I went to AA that I can live in the solution or I can live in the disease. I get to choose that.

Willow00

Hi everyone
I just wanted to pop in and say hi as I’ve been missing in action for about a month. I went completely offline after some big family stuff happened and also a couple of my accounts got hacked. I have just started getting back to a couple of my online accounts, because I need SR for sobriety (I can’t sustain it without regular check ins). But I’ve also been really busy helping with family stuff . I’ll be back later, just wanted to say hi and let you all know I’m ok and will come and chat more when I have a bit more time xx

Cityboy

Helping with family stuff is not always so fun. Glad you are OK.

Venus, I've never been someone who could grab or poor a single of anything and just sip on it either, even in those early years.

fishkiller

Hello willow!
Thanks for checking in!

1st drunk was probably around 12 or 13. Never drank for any other reason except to get drunk since then.
Became daily probably around 17 or 18 once I could afford it.

Cityboy

Morning all.

The 4:30 alarm came awfully early, but it looks like it may be possible to work today and tomorrow.

dontlookbacchus

Hi all

It has been interesting to think about when my drinking drifted into self-harm.
I have never really thought about it. I began having alcohol around 14-15 maybe. Occasionally. As a student I was never bad really, just typical. Surprisingly, I would say it wasn't until my very early 20's that shift happened. My drinking was more going out with friends before then.
It has been the last 15 or 20 years that it really took hold. At home, on my own. I think my drinking was a symptom of other issues, it doesn't feel like a thing I was consciously born with.

I have no doubt, for others, alcoholism is something they were born with. Sadly, mine feels like a reaction to other unhappiness. It then took off from there. Venus, yours sounds like something immediate that you were 100% born with

Wow. A bit of a depressing thought to begin my morning but healthy to reflect on.

Welcome back Willow. lovely to see your check-in today. Best of luck with all of your life challenges. Cityboy, 4;30 *is* very early but well done beginning your day then. I am glad you will be back to work soon.

Have a healthy, happy and sober day all.

dlb

abraxas69

Hi everyone

I didn't have my first drink until I was about 16 I think. My father didn't drink much, and my mother was vehemently opposed to alcohol (for reasons I wasn't told about until only a few years ago - I wonder if I had been told as a teenager about her alcoholic brother if things would have turned out differently, but rather pointless to dwell too much on that now).

I remember a particular moment in my life very clearly. I'm not trying to absolve myself of responsibility for my actions in telling this story, and I suspect if it had not happened things would have turned out pretty much the same anyway. But I think it sowed a seed. I was, like most teenagers I guess, pretty shy around girls - flirting and "chatting-up" didn't come easily, if at all. I was at a party one night, I was about 17, and there was alcohol there. After a few drinks I plucked up the courage to talk to a girl I had a particularly strong crush on. Long story short nothing came of it. But I still to this day remember quite vividly something she said to me the next day (or whenever it was I saw her next at school). She said something along the lines of "you were really confident, talkative at that party - you should be like that all the time". Well I'm sure I don't need to say how, in my mind, that got quickly turned in to "you're much more attractive when you've had a drink, drink more often!"

I'm not sure exactly when it became a problem (I'm struggling with the right words here, because obviously it was a problem of a sort right from the start). I remember that in my early 20's I didn't drink Sunday to Wednesday without any strong hankering to have a drink. But I certainly looked forward to the weekend (which started on a Thursday) - which of course meant drinking.

If I break it down into the rather simplistic definition of addiction I recently came across - addiction: fun, then fun with problems, then just problems. Then it looks something like this - 17-23: fun; 23 - 40: fun with [ever increasing] problems; 40+ just problems. As I say, that is a gross simplification, but will do for now before I start deleting my post and re-writing several times :-)

This has been a hard post to write - trying not to beat myself up too much for my past, which I cannot change.

Take care :-)

venuscat

I appreciate your post....all of these posts a great deal. s

It isn't easy seeing it all....it hurts to look back sometimes.
And yes, it may well have made a difference for you to know that about your uncle.
I truly believe if my mother had not her head in a bucket around her brothers' drinking, it would have helped me considerably.

Yes, we cannot change our past, but we can use the knowledge we have now to live the best lives we can going forward.

A close friend of mine who is a Rabbi wrote something for me in a book he gave me when I was 16 (at a huge interantional Jewish youth camp). He wrote:

"Learn From The Past
To Build The Present
For A Better Future"

Rabbi Dr John Krug


I haven' thought about that in a long time, it sounds so simple really, but perhaps it is very good advice. ❤️

Willow00

Really insightful posts everyone. I think drinking was a problem for me right from the start. Apparently I got drunk on a sweet liqueur that I found at home when I was a kid. My parents weren’t drinkers but I do remember drinking it, and it being sweet and I just couldn’t leave it alone until it was all gone. Then when I was about 15, I started drinking with friends, and right from the start I drank to get drunk nearly every weekend and extending into weeknights if and when I could. We would send the oldest looking person to buy drinks, as they weren’t big on checking ID back then. I did some regretful and embarrassing things while drunk, before I was even legally allowed to drink. I got a job in a small town pub at 18, and staff were allowed (and encouraged) to drink and smoke behind the bar and chat with the patrons. So I did both. From whatever time my shift started I would have a whiskey and cola on the go. If it was busy I wouldn’t have many drinks until “knock off” drinks, but if it was quiet (especially on the early shift starting at 10am) I would stand at the end of the bar with a drink and cigarette chatting to the old regulars that were there at opening time. I was only in that job for a year, but it set the scene, for my life and a number of pub jobs, and I was a daily drinker for the next 30 plus years. And it’s still a problem. Despite getting sober here and there (my first serious attempt was 2 years ago and I made a year sober), I am still really struggling with it. Since having a relapse after a year sober, I haven’t been able to maintain more than a few weeks or so sober. I can see that it’s progressive, and it’s getting harder and harder to stay sober. I disappeared offline for a while and subsequently off SR, and I just can’t do it on my own. So I’m back, tail between my legs, to try once again. My family is a mess at the moment, but I cannot keep using that as an excuse. I really need to get my own life sorted out. Sober.

venuscat

Feels really special the tone this thread has taken....such deep honesty and understanding.
This stuff runs deep and there are many reasons and triggers, and so much to learn in order to live the life of peace that we all want.

Yes, it gets harder. And it's scary how hard it gets. So take someone's hand dear Willow....get a sober buddy to be with you every day.
Just a thought....I volunteer for half the day....the half that I am awake when you are awake.

Grab onto as many tools as you can and we will all help you.
And I know that family stuff is hard right now, gosh, but it will help you and your sister if you are able to give your best.

How about a cup of herbal tea and breathing in that lovely air and listening to the birds for a bit to start your day? ❤️

ButterMarsh

I, too, have been thinking about this since yesterday. I've delved into my past trying to find answers...

I didn't start drinking until I was 20 years old. Back then, I didn't even like the taste. I was really skinny and didn't eat much anyway so getting drunk quickly, most times, was a given. I don't remember liking alcohol nor being dependent on the high, though, but I persisted in the drinking because it was what everyone else did. So I suppose, very much like you, CB, I drank to fit in.

Then, I guess, it slowly grew on me. I started to like the taste of wine; preferring dry to sweet. I developed a taste for beer and had my favourite brands, and so on.

I think the change happened for me around 24. Two things: the quiet, reserved girl that I was (and fighting very hard to not be) discovered she could fit in better with the 'popular' crowd while drinking or when a little high. Also, I started to buy alcohol to keep and drink at home (on weekdays when I wasn't hanging out). There are lots of other things to the story but I think these two marked my point of entry into alcoholism. So, I think, if something major had happened to me to change the course of my life before 24, I probably wouldn't have developed the dependence. Even better, if that major thing had happened before 20, I probably wouldn't have been a drinker at all.

Sadly, that's not how life works, much of the time. For me, like many other people, I had lots of minor, potentially life changing events happen in my life but they were not strong enough to wash away the years of faulty conditioning, faulty beliefs and just a general faulty perception of life that I had grown up with.

This has been on my mind a lot, like I said, and, I think you're right when you talk about role models, CB. You're also right about not assigning blame because, I think (I'm not quite sure) our role models when we were kids and impressionable, didn't know any better. I think that many people just go through life, not grasping what it's all about, and not knowing what their purpose on earth is. Therefore, if they are lost themselves, what quality of role model can they surely be?

It is also unfortunate that a lot of the messages we get from the world out there, friends/peers, the media, music, are largely wrong and either create in us or perpetuate that faulty perception. We grow up with warped views of what it means to be happy, successful, healthy, etc.

Maybe it's just me, though. To be sure, I think that because of my particular character, I was deeply affected by my environment. Out of 4 kids in my family, I seem to be the only alcoholic. These issues, however, go beyond alcoholism, although, developing an addiction definitely exacerbates any situation.

I'll keep searching for these answers in my own life, as much as I can. Having young kids of my own, I find myself facing my fears and vulnerabilities through them everyday.

What you said, Suze, about being made this way made me wonder... I didn't think people were born broken. When I interact with kids, not just my own, I don't see brokenness or dysfunction. I have, however, once or twice in the past, considered the possibility that maybe I was simply born broken...

That said, having hitherto not found those answers, I'm not letting it bother me nor hinder my progress. I think my main motivation in delving into my past is so as not to repeat mistakes with future generations.

I am very much touched by all your stories and it's been a revealing and rewarding process for me too, to write this out, as we all share in each other's experiences.

Willow, it was lovely checking in and reading a post from you. We missed you and it's good to have you back. I'm sorry for the issues you are facing; I know, however, that if you continue to work at your own healing and recovery, the truth will be revealed in you, and you'll find peace in any situation.

Suze, thanks for your words of support and encouragement. They are a soothing and healing balm.

Good night, everyone.

Dee74

I like those TV shows with repairing and repurposing things.

Just as you can tell a lot by stripping back the layers of paint, or later additions, or looking at a chip or a dent or a scratch so you can tell a lot about me by the layers of paint and chips and dents and scars I have lol.

My journey to sobriety was just that,...a journey. Maybe I could have done it sooner, but its not like I didn't try. Sometimes I underestimated the challenge, some times changing my life just was beyond me at that point, and other times my heart wasn't in it.

In the end, it happened as it happened - everything worked out and I'm better for it.

D

Cityboy

A lot of very deep thoughts being shared. The genuine nature gives it all a lot of strength. It feels like a healing process, like old misalignments being reconciled.

It was good to get some work done this morning, but my goodness it was like being in a pressure cooker.