Class of March 2020 Part 4
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,724
Really?
I am feeling tired and anxious and it is most definitely not all good.
Actually, I am feeling better as the day goes on. The sun is helping. As is the lack of landlords thus far.
I hope you have a good sleep and feel loved. We really care about you a great deal. xxx
I am feeling tired and anxious and it is most definitely not all good.
Actually, I am feeling better as the day goes on. The sun is helping. As is the lack of landlords thus far.
I hope you have a good sleep and feel loved. We really care about you a great deal. xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Haha Suze, I mean I'm tired and anxious but IT WILL PASS! I guess I mean I'm ok with not feeling brilliant all the time. That's a big step for me, I don't have to feel 'up'.
I don't feel loved at the moment. That's the worst part of what I'm going through with my wife. She told me again she doesn't love me this week - not in anger or horribly but explaining where we are at. It takes a lot to keep going but I don't really have much choice. 20 years of marriage...god that hurts
I don't feel loved at the moment. That's the worst part of what I'm going through with my wife. She told me again she doesn't love me this week - not in anger or horribly but explaining where we are at. It takes a lot to keep going but I don't really have much choice. 20 years of marriage...god that hurts
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,724
I got it Be....I knew you didn't really mean it is all good. Just wanted to talk a bit. s
I am so sorry.....that is exponentially hard. And I wish this wasn't happening.
And I know it isn't much, and it can't really help, but we love you. s xx
sI am so sorry.....that is exponentially hard. And I wish this wasn't happening.
And I know it isn't much, and it can't really help, but we love you.
s xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Ahh I'm sorry too Be i know its not a good feeling but well done for just being able to get through it its tough to do. When i feel unloved I give my little boy a big hug and remind myself that I have the most amazing love right there. You have that too. Hope you feel better tomorrow
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by venuscat 
And don't forget the dog. Dog hugs are gifts from the universe. xxxxxxxxx
And hello dear Tink. s xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And hello dear Tink.
s xxxxxxxxxxxxxx(Actually, that's a bit unfair. She's quite gentle, just VERY antisocial).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,724
Is she black? Cos I know of those cats......one day I will tell you about how I got accidentally bitten very badly.....it's a fun story.
Perhaps you could rent a dog for a day, I have heard of those sites in the UK.....borrow a pet or whatever.
More love. And more. And a bit more. s xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Perhaps you could rent a dog for a day, I have heard of those sites in the UK.....borrow a pet or whatever.
More love. And more. And a bit more.
s xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
BE, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. My wife said she fell out of love with me when we separated about 10 years ago. I ended up living by myself in a flat for about 9 months (not even sure of how long). We then decided to make a new trial go of it and things worked out. Iām not saying it will work out like that for you because all people and circumstances are different. But if you asked me in the beginning of the separation, I thought it was over for good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Thanks Bilr, and Tink and Venus. I'll spill my guts now as it seems a therapeutic thing to do.
I have an underlying faith that we will end up staying together. But my faith is so shaken, I question whether this is me just hoping for the best, being a fool to myself and ignoring reality. Especially given my thinking has been a bit haywire due to the alcohol withdrawal.
So I end up drawing up mental lists. A, b and c suggest we'll be ok...x, y and z say it's all over. And this fluctuates with my mood. It's exhausting.
meanwhile, my therapist is working with me on not needing the relationship. I completely agree with him, I need to be self reliant whether my marriage continues or not. We were codependent during my drinking and it was very unhealthy. My wife made the right call in calling time...I just don't think she expected me to stop drinking! So I also have good days and spells of looking positively to the future - 'I'll be ok come what may' - and then times when I can't see any future outside this relationship.
Its all tiring and confusing. Two things remain true all the time: 1, I have to work on myself as an absolute priority. I don't know what my marital status will be in six months so I need to keep working for my own mental and physical health. And 2, if I drink I cannot do that. Plus my marriage would be over for certain.
Theres much more in my head and it may come out shortly. But a big thanks to all of you, Tink Suze and Bilr - and willow of course when she wakes up, and Billy mac - for your help and support. It does mean a lot. I'm still here and still sober after all
I have an underlying faith that we will end up staying together. But my faith is so shaken, I question whether this is me just hoping for the best, being a fool to myself and ignoring reality. Especially given my thinking has been a bit haywire due to the alcohol withdrawal.
So I end up drawing up mental lists. A, b and c suggest we'll be ok...x, y and z say it's all over. And this fluctuates with my mood. It's exhausting.
meanwhile, my therapist is working with me on not needing the relationship. I completely agree with him, I need to be self reliant whether my marriage continues or not. We were codependent during my drinking and it was very unhealthy. My wife made the right call in calling time...I just don't think she expected me to stop drinking! So I also have good days and spells of looking positively to the future - 'I'll be ok come what may' - and then times when I can't see any future outside this relationship.
Its all tiring and confusing. Two things remain true all the time: 1, I have to work on myself as an absolute priority. I don't know what my marital status will be in six months so I need to keep working for my own mental and physical health. And 2, if I drink I cannot do that. Plus my marriage would be over for certain.
Theres much more in my head and it may come out shortly. But a big thanks to all of you, Tink Suze and Bilr - and willow of course when she wakes up, and Billy mac - for your help and support. It does mean a lot. I'm still here and still sober after all
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,724
Maybe the goal can just be to be the best you you can be going forward. I think that's all any of us can do really.
And see how the dust settles, so to speak.
I am not sure why your wife would say that to you right now unless she wanted to hear it out loud and see it it was true. I doubt she knows how she feels.
Just be you.....you are awesome. s xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And see how the dust settles, so to speak.
I am not sure why your wife would say that to you right now unless she wanted to hear it out loud and see it it was true. I doubt she knows how she feels.
Just be you.....you are awesome.
s xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Originally Posted by venuscat
How are things in Texas today dear Bil?
I imagine different. s
I imagine different.
sVery hot, 94 degrees right now. I did notice a LOT more cars on the road because today they allowed businesses to open up. As much as we would like to go out to eat we are waiting a few weeks for things to settle down. I think the last meal outside the house was probably in January or February.
Besides that I have come to a level of peace with not drinking. Doing stuff around the house is not much of a chore anymore and I have a lot more patience.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,724
We were hot here too....not quite that hot. (80 odd) s
Yes....I was thinking it would be busy out there today. Here in Columbus OH it was life resuming to normal even though so much is still shut down. It is all kind of ethereal. Hmm, that is the wrong word. Incongruous maybe? Yes, that is the word.
You are doing so so well....I have massive respect for you dear Bil. s xxx
sYes....I was thinking it would be busy out there today. Here in Columbus OH it was life resuming to normal even though so much is still shut down. It is all kind of ethereal. Hmm, that is the wrong word. Incongruous maybe? Yes, that is the word.
You are doing so so well....I have massive respect for you dear Bil.
s xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Be I think you are an amazing person, and I would give you a hug right now if I could It is great that you are working on yourself, I think that is the best plan and everything else will somehow fall into place with time. Sending lots of love and support to you.
And hi everyone else!
It is great that you are working on yourself, I think that is the best plan and everything else will somehow fall into place with time. Sending lots of love and support to you.And hi everyone else!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Willow, good morning and have a wonderful day. My sober date was March 2nd so I guess I made it to two months, starting month three. I just hope some of the other Marchers who no longer post here are doing well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Morning all - just woke up from a 8.5 hour sleep. Unburdening my feelings before sleep seems to work a charm.
No real plans for today apart from cooking a roast. I've got a lovely bit of beef given us by my mate who works for a butcher so I'll do the full works today as I've got nothing else to do! Cauliflower cheese, Yorkshire puddings, toast potatoes and parsnips, swede and beef makes the best gravy.
Thanks for all your support last night, if I was allowed I'd invite you all round for dinner. I've got a lovely bottle of Lilt (I believe it's a vintage) chilling in the fridge so drinks well taken care of!
No real plans for today apart from cooking a roast. I've got a lovely bit of beef given us by my mate who works for a butcher so I'll do the full works today as I've got nothing else to do! Cauliflower cheese, Yorkshire puddings, toast potatoes and parsnips, swede and beef makes the best gravy.
Thanks for all your support last night, if I was allowed I'd invite you all round for dinner. I've got a lovely bottle of Lilt (I believe it's a vintage) chilling in the fridge so drinks well taken care of!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Poole, Dorset
Posts: 533
Originally Posted by Willow68
Thanks Bil, Be and Tink
I had an awful drinking dream last night. In the dream I had gotten really drunk at a work party and I had blacked out and made a total ass of myself in front of my bosses and colleagues, and then I had to deal with the fallout and the shame and the lack of recollection of what had happened. One lady who I used to be quite friendly with at work, was telling me the next day what I had been doing at the party
It was awful and so vivid! What a relief when I woke up and realised it was not real! It has stuck with me all day as a reminder of what I will never let happen. I have not worked at that job for over a year now, but no matter what job I do or whatever I do in future, I do not want that to ever be a reality. Sobriety is a way better option
And I would really like to be able to use apostrophes again, I still feel like I am writing all plum in mouth
I had an awful drinking dream last night. In the dream I had gotten really drunk at a work party and I had blacked out and made a total ass of myself in front of my bosses and colleagues, and then I had to deal with the fallout and the shame and the lack of recollection of what had happened. One lady who I used to be quite friendly with at work, was telling me the next day what I had been doing at the party
It was awful and so vivid! What a relief when I woke up and realised it was not real! It has stuck with me all day as a reminder of what I will never let happen. I have not worked at that job for over a year now, but no matter what job I do or whatever I do in future, I do not want that to ever be a reality. Sobriety is a way better option And I would really like to be able to use apostrophes again, I still feel like I am writing all plum in mouth
Such a relief when those dreams turn out not to be real! I've had a few myself! Really pleased you're feeling better btw and congratulations on those two months, awesome!!
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