A Different Path Part Three
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Right back atcha! 
I just had a visit from the hospice chaplain.
I told him about my being very sad at the prospect of being relegated far away to the distant hospital bed, and told him of my plan to put on the hospital gown and acclimatize myself to being in it during the day.
He told me that I was probably being premature. He said that by the time people go into their hospital beds, they are READY--in other words, REALLY sick, not just 15 isolated minutes of vomiting.
He thought it was unnecessary to the point of being unwise for me to "rush things" by trying to acclimatize myself to the new bed at this point.
I had a similar mindset when I found out about the initial metastasis on May 30th, too! I was single-minded and tunnel-visioned in a quest to get the "hard facts." I wanted to be fully armed to face things, sooner than what seemed humanly possible.
Nobody could reason with me when I was in that stage, not even people who are very dear to me.
I was more impermeable than a 27-ton titanium door!
And now, since I've been confronted by my ultimate destiny of moving to the "island of exile," I have been similarly steeled to overcome the intimidation by staring it in the face.
For this I had wanted to go the whole way and practically set up camp in the hospital bed!
Wacky, but my way of coping.
It proved effective in the past--though very likely only 1/10 of it was a result of my hard-nosed approach and 9/10 was due to the sheer gift of grace from God.
I was gutted Sunday night--and vulnerable yesterday (equipped with the acclimation idea, but not fully "there").
Today I was ready to commit to the process--and now the chaplain has thrown a wrench into it.
One one hand I say, "This is my cancer journey, and everyone's unique; the only one who can walk in my shoes is me." That hand wants to totally disregard the chaplain.
On the other hand, I say, "Maybe you need to set aside the titanium and take input from someone other than yourself. You're still extremely healthy. One morning of puking doth not a death sentence make! Blend into normal society for as long as you can. There will be plenty of time for the hospital bed!"
But I did kind of get into wearing the clean and pretty little cotton gowns (I know that SR is family-friendly, so rest assured that these gowns do snap all the way down the back!
). I get a kick out of adjusting the bed's controls.
Certainly there's no harm in playing dress-up and playing with the bed and playing hospital.
Maybe the chaplain was just telling me not to make myself miserable when there is still no need. Don't borrow trouble.
But maybe he was telling me not to be a frickin' weirdo!
I just had a visit from the hospice chaplain.
I told him about my being very sad at the prospect of being relegated far away to the distant hospital bed, and told him of my plan to put on the hospital gown and acclimatize myself to being in it during the day.
He told me that I was probably being premature. He said that by the time people go into their hospital beds, they are READY--in other words, REALLY sick, not just 15 isolated minutes of vomiting.
He thought it was unnecessary to the point of being unwise for me to "rush things" by trying to acclimatize myself to the new bed at this point.
I had a similar mindset when I found out about the initial metastasis on May 30th, too! I was single-minded and tunnel-visioned in a quest to get the "hard facts." I wanted to be fully armed to face things, sooner than what seemed humanly possible.
Nobody could reason with me when I was in that stage, not even people who are very dear to me.
I was more impermeable than a 27-ton titanium door!
And now, since I've been confronted by my ultimate destiny of moving to the "island of exile," I have been similarly steeled to overcome the intimidation by staring it in the face.
For this I had wanted to go the whole way and practically set up camp in the hospital bed!
Wacky, but my way of coping.
It proved effective in the past--though very likely only 1/10 of it was a result of my hard-nosed approach and 9/10 was due to the sheer gift of grace from God.
I was gutted Sunday night--and vulnerable yesterday (equipped with the acclimation idea, but not fully "there").
Today I was ready to commit to the process--and now the chaplain has thrown a wrench into it.
One one hand I say, "This is my cancer journey, and everyone's unique; the only one who can walk in my shoes is me." That hand wants to totally disregard the chaplain.
On the other hand, I say, "Maybe you need to set aside the titanium and take input from someone other than yourself. You're still extremely healthy. One morning of puking doth not a death sentence make! Blend into normal society for as long as you can. There will be plenty of time for the hospital bed!"
But I did kind of get into wearing the clean and pretty little cotton gowns (I know that SR is family-friendly, so rest assured that these gowns do snap all the way down the back!
). I get a kick out of adjusting the bed's controls.Certainly there's no harm in playing dress-up and playing with the bed and playing hospital.
Maybe the chaplain was just telling me not to make myself miserable when there is still no need. Don't borrow trouble.
But maybe he was telling me not to be a frickin' weirdo!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,293
Dearest Kathy, if you are a “weirdo” then we need more weirdos in this world! I have to agree with the chaplain on this one. From what I have seen here at the OFH, there isn’t anyone who looks forward to moving to assisted living or skilled nursing - until they need it. Then they are plenty ready.
Enjoy what you can, especially your awesome family!
Enjoy what you can, especially your awesome family!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I cannot imagine the day when I'd DESIRE to be segregated from the rest of my family--despite the fact that I've always prided myself on being an introvert, and I'm forever trying to hide from intrusions.
God has been very shrewd in giving me the uncharacteristic patience to spend lots of time with everybody in my main sphere. He knew something that I didn't.
I assumed he was giving me the sudden gregariousness so that I could confort my family members with my strength and bless them with my largesse of spirit.
Not so much.
He did it so I can see and appreciate deeply (for once) exactly what I'll be leaving behind.
(That being said, I don't think there's any intrinsic harm in playing with the bed In that regard I'd be like a kitten playing with a shiny object).
God has been very shrewd in giving me the uncharacteristic patience to spend lots of time with everybody in my main sphere. He knew something that I didn't.
I assumed he was giving me the sudden gregariousness so that I could confort my family members with my strength and bless them with my largesse of spirit.
Not so much.
He did it so I can see and appreciate deeply (for once) exactly what I'll be leaving behind.
(That being said, I don't think there's any intrinsic harm in playing with the bed
In that regard I'd be like a kitten playing with a shiny object).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,906
(((Kathy))) You are adjusting to so much. I'm sure there are emotions that are repressed. Hugs and love. I'm glad you're sharing with us. You are a beacon and I appreciate your honesty. Be gentle with yourself, you have so much to deal with. ♥
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I missed the banking app thing?
Regardless. However you feel is how you feel - it's okay. None of us have experience with what you are going through, so no words of wisdom.
I have spent most of my life living alone, and definitely all but a few years sleeping alone, so I would be a mess if someone told me I had to sleep with someone else!
I say continue to make your own decisions until you can't. That would be the only way for me. The hospice chaplain was trying to soothe your anxiety and fear.
From, "Call the Midwife" -
"What? Do you wish to know your Lord's meaning in this thing? Know it well. Love was His meaning."
Great show.
Regardless. However you feel is how you feel - it's okay. None of us have experience with what you are going through, so no words of wisdom.
I have spent most of my life living alone, and definitely all but a few years sleeping alone, so I would be a mess if someone told me I had to sleep with someone else!
I say continue to make your own decisions until you can't. That would be the only way for me. The hospice chaplain was trying to soothe your anxiety and fear.
From, "Call the Midwife" -
"What? Do you wish to know your Lord's meaning in this thing? Know it well. Love was His meaning."
Great show.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I say do whatever you want as long as that's what you want to do.
I think the chaplain was saying you have plenty of life left to live, so how bout focusing on that? But your way is not necessarily how anyone else would envision it, and that's ok. Live life your way!
xo
O
I think the chaplain was saying you have plenty of life left to live, so how bout focusing on that? But your way is not necessarily how anyone else would envision it, and that's ok. Live life your way!
xo
O
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,802
Gilly- how do children explore a new environment? They dive in! Mud, paint, a new car, computer app- whatever. We familiarize ourselves by exploring..that is what you are doing. Not only the equipment, but your role- your place, your space. Nothing wrong with that, me thinks. If you draped the room in black, wore black gowns and listened to emo all day- THAT would tweak of being morbid.
You are not!
I have acclimatized myself to my new body image in many different ways- painting burnt bits- on my bod....photos, mirror drawing (on the actual mirror)...
My way of dealing with stuff is to rush in with lots of energy and see what is there once the dust settlers.
Well done you.
Apparently, according to the SR counter you have been stuck on 27,023 posts for some hours now. It there a quota? A conspiracy? Maybe a race of super aliens, invisible to all except anyone with mental health issues (not you) are brain washing the little person who hides in the SR mainframe,( with hyper- space rays) and does all the typing (those teeny weeny qwerty boards are real OHS concerns).
How about an aquarium for you room? It may have already been suggested....damn space aliens from dimension X.
You are not!
I have acclimatized myself to my new body image in many different ways- painting burnt bits- on my bod....photos, mirror drawing (on the actual mirror)...
My way of dealing with stuff is to rush in with lots of energy and see what is there once the dust settlers.
Well done you.
Apparently, according to the SR counter you have been stuck on 27,023 posts for some hours now. It there a quota? A conspiracy? Maybe a race of super aliens, invisible to all except anyone with mental health issues (not you) are brain washing the little person who hides in the SR mainframe,( with hyper- space rays) and does all the typing (those teeny weeny qwerty boards are real OHS concerns).
How about an aquarium for you room? It may have already been suggested....damn space aliens from dimension X.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
PJ, that was a most useful and hope-inspiring post! Thank you for it from the bottom of my heart!
That being said, I must say that I am the Kiss of Death for both plants and aquariums. I do love aquariums, though--I tried to maintain them twice.
When I was young my dream was to own and manage to maintain a Symphysodon (Discus):
That being said, I must say that I am the Kiss of Death for both plants and aquariums. I do love aquariums, though--I tried to maintain them twice.
When I was young my dream was to own and manage to maintain a Symphysodon (Discus):
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