The Power Of Sobriety Thread (POST!) #7
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I'm glad for both of you. 
I'm finally getting my hands dirty on a long-procrastinated project. I feel so good now that I'm finally in the midst of it! I can't turn back now!
I hope you get a lively bunch of young skulls full of mush this year, Cour!
I'm finally getting my hands dirty on a long-procrastinated project. I feel so good now that I'm finally in the midst of it! I can't turn back now!
I hope you get a lively bunch of young skulls full of mush this year, Cour!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
My temperament was challenged by two people today.
They tend to be people who think that they and their way are the most wonderful things on the planet.
i don't mind most confident people--but for some reason these two people just really, really grate on me, and I was unable to avoid them today.
One is that weird woman I've mentioned before in this thread--she's the one with whom I continually feel compelled to prove my extreme worth.
If it were just about feeling worthwhile, there would be no problem. There are lots of people in the world who are more talented than I am at all kinds of things--and even at the things I'm supposed to be best at.
I don't mind if she's led ladies' Bible studies for nine years. I have utterly no talent for facilitating or leading meetings. I don't covet it!
It just occurred to me what bothers me, not just about this woman, but about the other: THEY EXPECT PEOPLE TO FAWN ALL OVER THEM!
I seem to have been getting a good deal of affection and compliments lately, but OH, GOD, PLEASE tell me I'm not like that!
I'm not fishing for compliments here either: "Oh, no, Kathy! You never fish for compliments," because I do, and I can be shameless!
!
And please don't tell me I'm good. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I know I'm good enough.
But I hope NOBODY ever thinks I expect them to fawn all over me!
Not that i don't bask in fawning, but I don't NEED it--and I certainly don't want to seem praiseworthy at the expense of other people, by implying that my way of doing things is superior to theirs by default.
These two women really seem to think they're great--and they seem to really expect all comers to fawn!
Let's just say that I'm stingy with my fawning! Maybe a little too stingy--but for me you have to earn it.
I can engage in mutually complimentary social pleasantries that aren't really substantial and mean them as much as anything else: but for whatever reason, these women aren't activating my fawn reflex.
The question is, how to shed them? i already interact with them as little as possible.
Sometimes, though, when I'm feeling extra cheery I'll go out of my way to say hi and how's it going. Because they like all others deserve to be treated well. I figure I should strike when the iron's hot as far as benevolence goes!
But when push comes to shove, is what I'm really doing wise or even truly kind?
Why do I feel that I have to throw these people a bone of my "largesse?" WHAT FRICKIN' LARGESSE? WHO THE HELL AM I?
I'm just nobody and so are they.
I'll be kind, but I won't initiate other private contact.
The problem is that the biggest culprit is the only older lady in my church. She recently moved here from the other coast, and she has latched onto me as her "new best girlfriend."
I don't initiate much, because I know that, whether she herself is toxic or not, she certainly brings out all the secret toxicity in me.
My mind reels with caustic wisecracks at every turn. Usually I wouldn't characterize myself as mean, but I feel extremely mean in the presence of these two people.
i don't like meanness. i don't want to be mean. Thank God I can usually keep it zipped.
I had one or two subtle slips today, but hopefully I shucked and jived fast enough so she didn't get hurt.
One bright note: she was originally scheduled to come to my house at 1. She asked if she could delay, because she had to get her car inspected. I said sure. My place was still somewhat messy, so i was hurrying to clean it, and a delay let me relax a bit.
So once i let down my guard she showd up fifteen minutes EARLY, at 12:45!
I said, "You're early." I did not smile.
"Yes!" (sheepish grin) "I hope that's not a problem."
I did not respond.
Hopefully that will give her the message.
Boy, can I rant.
Something is really off-kilter with me if i can spew out so much vitriol in one post!
So sorry.
They tend to be people who think that they and their way are the most wonderful things on the planet.
i don't mind most confident people--but for some reason these two people just really, really grate on me, and I was unable to avoid them today.
One is that weird woman I've mentioned before in this thread--she's the one with whom I continually feel compelled to prove my extreme worth.
If it were just about feeling worthwhile, there would be no problem. There are lots of people in the world who are more talented than I am at all kinds of things--and even at the things I'm supposed to be best at.
I don't mind if she's led ladies' Bible studies for nine years. I have utterly no talent for facilitating or leading meetings. I don't covet it!
It just occurred to me what bothers me, not just about this woman, but about the other: THEY EXPECT PEOPLE TO FAWN ALL OVER THEM!
I seem to have been getting a good deal of affection and compliments lately, but OH, GOD, PLEASE tell me I'm not like that!
I'm not fishing for compliments here either: "Oh, no, Kathy! You never fish for compliments," because I do, and I can be shameless!
!And please don't tell me I'm good. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I know I'm good enough.
But I hope NOBODY ever thinks I expect them to fawn all over me!
Not that i don't bask in fawning, but I don't NEED it--and I certainly don't want to seem praiseworthy at the expense of other people, by implying that my way of doing things is superior to theirs by default.
These two women really seem to think they're great--and they seem to really expect all comers to fawn!
Let's just say that I'm stingy with my fawning! Maybe a little too stingy--but for me you have to earn it.
I can engage in mutually complimentary social pleasantries that aren't really substantial and mean them as much as anything else: but for whatever reason, these women aren't activating my fawn reflex.
The question is, how to shed them? i already interact with them as little as possible.
Sometimes, though, when I'm feeling extra cheery I'll go out of my way to say hi and how's it going. Because they like all others deserve to be treated well. I figure I should strike when the iron's hot as far as benevolence goes!
But when push comes to shove, is what I'm really doing wise or even truly kind?
Why do I feel that I have to throw these people a bone of my "largesse?" WHAT FRICKIN' LARGESSE? WHO THE HELL AM I?
I'm just nobody and so are they.
I'll be kind, but I won't initiate other private contact.
The problem is that the biggest culprit is the only older lady in my church. She recently moved here from the other coast, and she has latched onto me as her "new best girlfriend."
I don't initiate much, because I know that, whether she herself is toxic or not, she certainly brings out all the secret toxicity in me.
My mind reels with caustic wisecracks at every turn. Usually I wouldn't characterize myself as mean, but I feel extremely mean in the presence of these two people.
i don't like meanness. i don't want to be mean. Thank God I can usually keep it zipped.
I had one or two subtle slips today, but hopefully I shucked and jived fast enough so she didn't get hurt.
One bright note: she was originally scheduled to come to my house at 1. She asked if she could delay, because she had to get her car inspected. I said sure. My place was still somewhat messy, so i was hurrying to clean it, and a delay let me relax a bit.
So once i let down my guard she showd up fifteen minutes EARLY, at 12:45!
I said, "You're early." I did not smile.
"Yes!" (sheepish grin) "I hope that's not a problem."
I did not respond.
Hopefully that will give her the message.
Boy, can I rant.
Something is really off-kilter with me if i can spew out so much vitriol in one post!
So sorry.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi Kathy,
Maybe what's off kilter is that this lady is coming to your house (presumably with your permission as it was planned) when your intention is to have as little to do with her as possible?
Maybe you need to tighten up your boundaries. ??
You've no obligation to be "nice" to everyone; at least not to the extent of welcoming them into your safe space.
xo
O
Maybe what's off kilter is that this lady is coming to your house (presumably with your permission as it was planned) when your intention is to have as little to do with her as possible?
Maybe you need to tighten up your boundaries. ??
You've no obligation to be "nice" to everyone; at least not to the extent of welcoming them into your safe space.
xo
O
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
First off, welcome, O! 
You are absolutely right. I was the one who invited her to my house.
I keep wondering if there might be a reason I'm being put on her path. Maybe I will grow by interacting with her. Maybe I have lessons in tolerance I need to learn (by the way, I'm failing! :-O).
Who knows how I'm going to feel in a few months? Maybe I need practice at being patient and gracious when people are really crawling on my nerves!
Probably not, though. I'm sure today has troubles of its own--no sense worrying about how i will or will not have the grace to act tomorrow.
I've got to hope that my 58 years have instilled something good that will be sufficient for whatever is required of me. But there is no need to assume burdens now for things that may not ever be required of me!
Bottom line: I shouldn't have invited her today, true. Point well taken.
But today notwithstanding, she and the other one are still stuck like gum to the bottom of my shoe.
I will pray that I will recognize opportunities to NOT act! Or develop gentle methods to actively discourage, if need be.
You are absolutely right. I was the one who invited her to my house.
I keep wondering if there might be a reason I'm being put on her path. Maybe I will grow by interacting with her. Maybe I have lessons in tolerance I need to learn (by the way, I'm failing! :-O).
Who knows how I'm going to feel in a few months? Maybe I need practice at being patient and gracious when people are really crawling on my nerves!
Probably not, though. I'm sure today has troubles of its own--no sense worrying about how i will or will not have the grace to act tomorrow.
I've got to hope that my 58 years have instilled something good that will be sufficient for whatever is required of me. But there is no need to assume burdens now for things that may not ever be required of me!
Bottom line: I shouldn't have invited her today, true. Point well taken.
But today notwithstanding, she and the other one are still stuck like gum to the bottom of my shoe.
I will pray that I will recognize opportunities to NOT act! Or develop gentle methods to actively discourage, if need be.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,848
Rant away, Kathy! Setting boundaries is something that I've gotten pretty good at in recovery. I don't suffer fools gladly and it seems like most people can sense it. I'll exchange pleasantries if necessary, but if you start becoming a pest, I'll walk away with no regrets. Guess that's part of the reason I've been single my whole life.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I've been praying about it.
This morning a light bulb popped on in my head: a great insight into what makes her tick. It is not any sense of competition or one-upmanship; rather, she is just very simple and full of pep and platitudes.
She is supremely content to be full of pep and platitudes. And she's enthusiastic: with no motive but joy, she's a wholehearted pusher of pep and platitudes.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Now that I understand what I'm dealing with, I will be much less "threatened."
I still won't choose to cultivate a deeper friendship--and she may still bug me--but she will no longer deeply disturb my equilibrium.
This morning a light bulb popped on in my head: a great insight into what makes her tick. It is not any sense of competition or one-upmanship; rather, she is just very simple and full of pep and platitudes.
She is supremely content to be full of pep and platitudes. And she's enthusiastic: with no motive but joy, she's a wholehearted pusher of pep and platitudes.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Now that I understand what I'm dealing with, I will be much less "threatened."
I still won't choose to cultivate a deeper friendship--and she may still bug me--but she will no longer deeply disturb my equilibrium.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 2,102
oooh Kathy can I join you on the rant train??? Husband and I are carpooling to work today,,,, hurray we do not have to leave the house till 6:15 or so. He sets his alarm for 4 am!! WHY!!! all he does is make coffee and watch news!! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! He doesnt get why I am pissed,,,,
better now,,,,, carry on
badge
better now,,,,, carry on
badge
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
Kathy, those 2 broads sound hopelessly obtuse and disrespectful of you, -- through ignorant carelessness or ego? 
When I run into someone's strong expectations about my "right" response , I tend to offer them the opposite. Glad-handers in particular get my back up!
But not as much as 4 a.m. rising! Badger, have you tried putting a pillow over his face and holding down?
FBL, you sound like the kind of guy of a certain age who would, if he wanted, make a perfect mate for a grown woman with good sense.
When I run into someone's strong expectations about my "right" response , I tend to offer them the opposite. Glad-handers in particular get my back up!
But not as much as 4 a.m. rising! Badger, have you tried putting a pillow over his face and holding down?
FBL, you sound like the kind of guy of a certain age who would, if he wanted, make a perfect mate for a grown woman with good sense.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
This is the first week of classes for me -- I taught Tues and Wed nights, 2.5 hours the first & 3.5 hours last night. 7 hours teaching with 1 10-minute break.
It's exhausting! One of the classes is like a seminar, with 10 students. Managing an 11-person discussion is hard work -- like being in a game where you have multiple opponents, & they can team up against you, or you can team with any of them, and the teams are fluid, and you're all supposed to have created something -- you're not sure what, and they have even less information -- by the time the whistle blows. Tweet, bow, disperse.
It's brought up vividly some of the ways I drank.
It's exhausting! One of the classes is like a seminar, with 10 students. Managing an 11-person discussion is hard work -- like being in a game where you have multiple opponents, & they can team up against you, or you can team with any of them, and the teams are fluid, and you're all supposed to have created something -- you're not sure what, and they have even less information -- by the time the whistle blows. Tweet, bow, disperse.
It's brought up vividly some of the ways I drank.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,183
Originally Posted by courage2 
It's brought up vividly some of the ways I drank.
Hope all are well. Life's good here...really good!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,189
Good to see everyone hear rising above life's challenges and dealing with them in our relatively new found sober ways. Today will mark working eleven of the past twelve days. Running on fumes and strong coffee. Kids are back in school already so we have new drama playing out here.
Be well everyone!
Be well everyone!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 2,102
Courage, thank you for helping me put things in perspective. All your classes and I am stressed over 2 trainees! One just graduated, flew the coup so to speak, the other has a few more weeks of remedial stuff. I have not worked with him a whole lot, very academic, over thinker in a less think more react type of job. Challenge accepted!!
badge
badge
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
Originally Posted by badgerden
All your classes and I am stressed over 2 trainees!
Stargazer you have it bad all around! Why so many work days in a row?
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