Arpeggioh

Well, crap! I think I might be (chain) smoking my last pack of cigarettes...

The official diagnosis won't be in until I have some ultrasound testing, but I'm fairly certain that the recent debilitating pain in my calf muscle when walking or standing isn't just me being out of shape, although I most certainly am. No, I'm pretty sure I have Peripheral Artery Disease, in which the arteries in my leg(s) are clogged with crud and not functioning properly. I'm suddenly faced with choosing between smoking and maintaining the ability to walk. Summabitch...

Sure, emphysema should have been enough to straighten me out, but gasping for air is still off in the future sometime; this impairment is happening right now, and severely limiting my mobility. I can't wish it away, and I can't ignore it.

I'm scared to death. Not about my health or my prognosis or treatment: I'm scared to death imagining my day without smoking. It's what I do, it's almost who I am. Someone here said it was the fight of their life to quit smoking; at least I'm not the only one, because I know that's what I'm facing.

I have plenty of nicotine replacement products, so I have no excuse for putting it off. This is one mighty big monkey I've gotta wrestle off my back! It's bigger than booze, so that's saying something...

Eagle108

Wow, Arp...sorry to hear that but sounds like your battle with smoking has accelerated significantly. How is it going so far? How are you feeling physically and emotionally?

Sounds rough but you are much stronger than you realize...you've accomplished a ton in last few years and are equipped whether you know it or not.

Dee74

I really hope you quit Arp.
D

Arpeggioh

Thanks, guys. I have my ultrasound this afternoon, so I'll know fairly soon what kind of damage I've inflicted on myself with all the "healthy living" I've done in the past.

I didn't quit after that dramatic post; well, I quit the next morning, went to play at church without smoking (where my singing voice was noticeably clearer and stronger, not surprising!) but headed for the store on my way home. That failure hit me hard, emotionally...real dark thoughts about not deserving medical treatment, visions of impending amputations, some serious self-hate stuff running through my head.

I'm going to look into insurance coverage for some counseling; there was a woman I saw years ago I related to well (gay, recovering alcoholic) back when I was still drinking. I'd welcome the chance to examine all these side addictions now that I'm sober. From my reading on SR, it seems pretty common for other "bad habits" to ramp up after alcohol has been removed.

I sure appreciate having a place to put down my thoughts here; I try explaining myself to family, and I know I probably sound like a depressive lunatic to them! So thanks for listening...

Eagle108

How did the ultrasound go Arp? Prayers sent your way.

Simplicity4114

Dearest Mayflies....I'm really starting to wonder if I will ever be able strong enough or bull headed enough to maintain any lengthy sobriety. I know I can't keep on keeping on this way so why, why, WHY do I keep repeating the same cycles as if it's going to lead to a different outcome
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Arpeggioh

Oh dear...that cry for help certainly sounds familiar; my posts of that nature started here in 2006, only with more weeping and slobbering. Eleven year later, my body told me it was done drinking. I finally had no choice but to pay attention. I was 55 years old.

You don't need to wait that long, and I really hope you don't have to reach the depths of desperation I did before finally giving up the fight with alcohol. It truly is easier to surrender and admit defeat than to keep trying to find a way to make drinking work...eventually, it just doesn't, and you "give in" to staying sober. Booze kicked my azz; I can't engage with it anymore. It sounds like you're getting close to that point yourself...

So I'll blow some magic fairy dust in your general direction, wish you some happy unicorn and rainbow wishes, and send lots of virtual hugs through the interwebz, cuz that's just who I am

Post here whatever and whenever you want, I'm always listening. It's the only thread I'm subscribed to, and every new post is a pretty big event around this corner of SR! (Crickets chirping emoji)

Much love and support,
Arp

Dee74

I dunno about anyone else but for me it took constant work and support for a while Sim.

If this class is a bit quiet nowadays what about joining the Class of August thread as well and posting daily again?

D

Simplicity4114

Eagle108

Elevator goes all the way to the bottom Sim if you let it....you can get off anytime!

You've done it before and you'll do it again...you and everyone else here got me through the toughest struggle of my life (maintained one day at a time that is for sure). So when you've had enough, you'll stop one way or the other.

Dee74

I hope you'll consider posting in the newest month group when you come back again Sim?

D

joandmelandhan

Hi all. I just thought I would pop by and see if I could resurrect our thread a little. I am certainly sad to read your pain Sim. Perhaps you might start posting again if you feel up to it? There is certainly no judgement here I can remember that feeling of hopelessness and shame each time I went back out there. One thing you can rely on is that we have all been where you are to some degree and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the support I got here was hugely important to me as I clawed my way to sobriety.
27 months today - hard to believe in some ways. I do still carry a lot of guilt particularly in terms of the wasted years with my girls. Hannah my eldest goes off to university this time next year (fingers crossed she gets the grades) and I am really not ready for that! Of course it will be an absolutely wonderful thing for her to do but believe me there will be many tears shed by me behind closed doors.
I would definitely say that 2019 has been a challenge. My mental health took a severe downward turn in the new year and I have tried 3 new anti-depressants, none of which seemed to do anything other than make me feel worse. I took the decision about a couple of months ago to come off everything, clean up my eating and try light exercise. Light exercise being all I can manage after my whopping 50 pound weight gain! I must say after the first few weeks of withdrawal subsided and my sleep started to get better I actually do feel much better in myself. Still a very long way to go to get myself back to consistent wellness but I have hope now and that will do for now.
Arp - I am so sorry to read of your health troubles. Hopefully you have managed to kick the smoking? I am a vaper these days (since about a month after I gave up alcohol). I know that it would be better if I gave that up too but I have no plans to do so right now. My doctor said that vaping for 2 years officially classed ,e as a non-smoker per NHS guidelines. Still very little in terms of long term studies of it so for now I am still puffing away on my device.
Lots of love to you all and I hope we can catch up a bit more over the next few weeks

Dee74

Good to hear from you Jo - I hope the challenges are behind you and that this year ends well for you

joandmelandhan

Thank you Dee

Dee74

Have a good weekend Jo - and any lurkers
D

joandmelandhan

I think I will carry on posting into the abyss and see what happens!
I have just had a week off work and it included a trip up to may parents with the girls. I do find my parents very difficult to cope with. Have done for years. They just don't seem to be able to engage with me on any level other than totally superficial. I mean they know I am an alcoholic and am sober - that topic is put to bed. They know I have anxiety and depression - that subject is also put to bed. I guess I will always be the trouble daughter. The one who threw away the promising career, left her husband for a woman who died of an alcohol binge. The one they just don't "get". They are, however wonderful grandparents and I will give them that for sure.
The visit went quite well for a change which was a doubly pleasant surprise because I was nervous about how it would go with me not being on any medication to protect me I guess. I will continue to engage with them with an open mind and perhaps one day we will talk about something of substance - you never know.
Back to work tomorrow. I must admit I'm not looking forward to it but I do function better when I have a routine so I will take it as it comes.
Lots of love and I will pop back soon with some of my trivia!

Eagle108

Good to see you posting again Jo! I was wondering how you were doing...congrats on the 27 months as well Sounds like things are better these days and you're making some adjustments. Life doesn't stop just because we get sober but nice to be able to face our issues with a clear head...especially nice for those around us I would imagine.

Can relate on the throwing away a promising career, as most of what I've tried in sobriety has not been near as fruitful as before. But that's the way it goes and have to play the cards you are dealt sometimes...control what you can control. Onward we go!

joandmelandhan

Nice to hear from you too Eagle! I do try to acknowledge that there is fall out from the many years I threw away to alcohol. I cannot expect everything to magically be ta-dah! better after even this long.
I've been struck down with a horrible head cold this week and, true to form, my mental health has gone down the toilet a little as a result. I did, however, receive a phone call from a counselling service I have been on the waiting list for last week. I am going to see them for an assessment interview on Thursday. Yes I am a little terrified I must admit. How honest can I be? Am I still at risk of losing my children? I know only absolute honesty will help me to get the most out of the service but this is my worst fear. Having lived a lie for so long I will struggle to let go of the sheen of respectability.
But you know Thursday is Thursday and I cannot let that cloud everything. Today I will try and have a better day and look after myself a little better.
Lots of love and take care all xxx

Dee74

I think you need to be honest Jo, so they can help

you've come an incredibly long way the last few years - I wouldn't think your custody would be in question now.

D

Eagle108

I would agree with Dee there Jo. Be honest and lay your cards on the table. You have some good sobriety to be proud of and have come a long ways, as we all have. One thing I have found is if you are genuine and willing to do the work, there are plenty of folks that are more than happy to help. Everyone knows someone or has had their own issues with addiction...some they have been able to help and some not as much. So when they come across someone that genuinely wants to improve themselves, they see an outlet to put those good intentions to use.