The Power Of Sobriety Thread (POST!) (was F.I.S.T#3)
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
I'm glad Fran is showing such improvements after the accident. She seems to be one tough cookie!
I awoke to a drinking dream where a neighbor of my parent's handed me a beer and I took a small taste. I was then debating with myself whether or not to reset my start date. Glad it was only a dream. I haven't had a drinking dream in a long time, but I guess being surrounded by hundreds of folks drinking at the party last night put it in my subconscious.
Best wishes for a great day all!
I awoke to a drinking dream where a neighbor of my parent's handed me a beer and I took a small taste. I was then debating with myself whether or not to reset my start date. Glad it was only a dream. I haven't had a drinking dream in a long time, but I guess being surrounded by hundreds of folks drinking at the party last night put it in my subconscious.
Best wishes for a great day all!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Hi everyone!
Fbl - I'm glad Fran is doing well, and moreso inspired by her positive attitude, making people feel comfortable while she's healing.
SG - Did the company party go as you expected? Last night I went to a wedding. It's not my first time attending a wedding sober, but in 3+ years sober, it's the first wedding where I had fun. It's the first wedding where I didn't feel like the sad sack sitting in the corner sulking while everyone else had fun. I still have a little work to do in getting comfortable making cocktail hour chat without liquid courage. Next time!
Gilmer - What a great day! I think it's interesting that by letting yourself relax you were better able to lean into less technical more practical side of the translations.
Also how nice to do something special for the proctor and spend the night with your family and some well tended BBQ.
Del - I hope you're feeling better flow today, and less stuck. I had a very busy week full of frustrations and by Saturday morning I was feeling stuck in them. I finally took 15 uninterrupted minutes to think about it, and came up with some ideas. Im planning to bring that bigger picture problem solving to the management team this week.
Carlos - Hope you're enjoying some nice times with JG this weekend!
Courage - How are you spending the day today?
I am going to another wedding tonight. (Two in one weekend!). I hope everyone had a great day soaking in all the good stuff a day in recovery offers!
Fbl - I'm glad Fran is doing well, and moreso inspired by her positive attitude, making people feel comfortable while she's healing.
SG - Did the company party go as you expected? Last night I went to a wedding. It's not my first time attending a wedding sober, but in 3+ years sober, it's the first wedding where I had fun. It's the first wedding where I didn't feel like the sad sack sitting in the corner sulking while everyone else had fun. I still have a little work to do in getting comfortable making cocktail hour chat without liquid courage. Next time!
Gilmer - What a great day! I think it's interesting that by letting yourself relax you were better able to lean into less technical more practical side of the translations.
Also how nice to do something special for the proctor and spend the night with your family and some well tended BBQ.
Del - I hope you're feeling better flow today, and less stuck. I had a very busy week full of frustrations and by Saturday morning I was feeling stuck in them. I finally took 15 uninterrupted minutes to think about it, and came up with some ideas. Im planning to bring that bigger picture problem solving to the management team this week.
Carlos - Hope you're enjoying some nice times with JG this weekend!
Courage - How are you spending the day today?
I am going to another wedding tonight. (Two in one weekend!). I hope everyone had a great day soaking in all the good stuff a day in recovery offers!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Glee, you're very brave to go to 2 weddings in 1 weekend. Have you ever considered attending the ceremony and skipping the reception?
SG, you're likely right the dream was set up by the party. Being around a lot of booze rattles me for a while, sometimes popping up in surprising ways. Treat yourself to an ice-cream cone today
FBL, I'm glad you & Fran & your boss and the plants are all slowly heading back in the direction of status quo ante. So you can work on all those books!
JL -- I had a dream about you last night. My fortune cookie to you from the dream: Respect yourself--you're more important than you know.
My plans for today? Started with 10 hours of bed rest, 2:30 a.m. to after noon. I'll putz around with my contemplative exercises and a few errands until 4 p.m. or so, then try to work on a paper until 7. Maybe take a walk to the river with husband, cook dinner, send out emails and try to get some sleep because Monday starts early. A very, very easy day.
Sober!
SG, you're likely right the dream was set up by the party. Being around a lot of booze rattles me for a while, sometimes popping up in surprising ways. Treat yourself to an ice-cream cone today
FBL, I'm glad you & Fran & your boss and the plants are all slowly heading back in the direction of status quo ante. So you can work on all those books!
JL -- I had a dream about you last night. My fortune cookie to you from the dream: Respect yourself--you're more important than you know.
My plans for today? Started with 10 hours of bed rest, 2:30 a.m. to after noon. I'll putz around with my contemplative exercises and a few errands until 4 p.m. or so, then try to work on a paper until 7. Maybe take a walk to the river with husband, cook dinner, send out emails and try to get some sleep because Monday starts early. A very, very easy day.
Sober!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Glad you had fun at yesterday's wedding, Glee. Hope today's is fun, too. Good luck applying your plan at work tomorrow.
Glad you got a wonderful sleep, Cour!
Have a good day, everyone.
I got to have lunch with another old friend today.
I had an encounter with someone incredibly, incredibly narrow and paranoid today. I just shook my head.
"To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure" (Titus 1:15a).
Glad you got a wonderful sleep, Cour!
Have a good day, everyone.
I got to have lunch with another old friend today.
I had an encounter with someone incredibly, incredibly narrow and paranoid today. I just shook my head.
"To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure" (Titus 1:15a).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Happy birthday JL!
Thanks for the positive vibes you guys. I don't know if necessary..
Yesterday was the sentencing of the drunk driver who caused a high speed, head on collision killing a 23 yr old mom and her almost 5 year old son.
I was very pregnant at the time, I witnessed it all and was the first to call 911.
The sentencing was a massive shock to me. It has been 5 years since the accident. He got a $4000 fine.
That's it.
I had to collect myself and reread the news report again to get the whole grip on it because it made NO sense. We had all guessed... two life sentences at least. This guy was someone we knew in the community and had multiple dui's under his belt. His BAC by the time they'd gotten him to the hospital was 0.325.
It must have been horrible being the judge on that case. He was disgusted at the sentence he had to hand down. The driver had been rescued at the scene by some massive heroic efforts from first responders (THAT was also a really, really difficult one for them to live with after). I believe the judge said himself that the final sentence was far too lenient.
He had sustained sever brain injury and is permanently paralyzed.
The judge said "nothing I can do to him comes even close to what he's done to himself."
His injuries he sustained are so severe that he needs life long constant care. There are no penitentiaries in our country that would be able to accommodate the care he requires. So essentially it would be a death sentence for him. (We are not a death penalty country).
And so the judge said to him, "the prison that you're in now is one of your own making".
The family said (and I will very loosely paraphrase here) that they would not like to have another death on their hands or their conscience.
That distant voice echoed in my head often yesterday... "that could have been me... that could have been me..."
We were driving going north, and he was driving beside us going north across the highway on the southbound lanes. Could have been going south towards him.
Could have been going north on the wrong side of the highway... The last part that was something that was hard to shake. There is nothing that separates me from him other than it didn't happen to me and I didn't cause that. I know there are thousands of us around here who are extremely guilty of that. But for me I was painfully aware. I witnessed the aftermath. Yet I still went down that road.
Anyways... 5 years later, I have had and lost it all. Yesterday I stood on the doorstep of one year since I tried to take my own life and was very serious about me being done.
I had gone from the dream to the nightmare after a few long & short years of hell. Now a year later I am living a life of recovery and while every day is not great I am grateful for every day of it.
Yesterday, this news of the accident, today being both the day I died and came back, and my daughter who doesn't talk to me turning 13, I was rattled and in the twilight zone.
It ended up being a really good day with the kids, all the kids, mine and not mine who were here.
And today I am ok. I have that part of my heart that hurts put away for now and I am emotionally and spiritually safe because I love her no matter what and pray for her everyday. And no matter what I am ok, and I'm working on the loving me better part more and more.
I remember the day before yesterday? or yesterday in between those moments of stepping back into the nightmares, standing in the shower with my eyes closed and just letting the water run over my face. It was just the right time of day, and if I stood in just the right place, the bright sun shone through the high bathroom window onto my face as the water poured down.
It was a brief and sweet moment of bliss. Nothing mattered at all right then.
Sorry FBL, I had thought I had posted somewhere that I thought that was really freakin cool the projects you are working on. And I am glad to hear about Fran too.
I had really strange dreams last night too. Some kind of trolls making a big brew like an underground lake of ale. They sang songs and everything.
I just have to say how grateful I am for this thread, again. It's like a little meeting every day and I usually hear what I need to hear or get ideas or advice that I think of, keeping in mind, try out, and it helps. And I miss it when I can't get to it.
I know there are so many things that are changing, most of them are slow (painfully slow) but the big one that has been slogging along and dragging itself over bumps or up walls is the acceptance.
There is SO much freedom in acceptance.
I just see it now, when I feel the fight rising in me, resisting things I cannot change or just letting my ego, my pride and my self-will run riot and run the show.. and I just hit the wall one more time, halfheartedly and give up.
"Here, you handle it. Please. " Hand it over. Accept it's not mine to deal with.
Acceptance... I accept... I am pretty cool, you're all pretty dang cool, and I accept I cannot and will not drink today.
Hope you are all well. It is SMOKING hot here today... got a yard full, and then I have been blessed with 2 surprise days off...
Thanks for the positive vibes you guys. I don't know if necessary..
Yesterday was the sentencing of the drunk driver who caused a high speed, head on collision killing a 23 yr old mom and her almost 5 year old son.
I was very pregnant at the time, I witnessed it all and was the first to call 911.
The sentencing was a massive shock to me. It has been 5 years since the accident. He got a $4000 fine.
That's it.
I had to collect myself and reread the news report again to get the whole grip on it because it made NO sense. We had all guessed... two life sentences at least. This guy was someone we knew in the community and had multiple dui's under his belt. His BAC by the time they'd gotten him to the hospital was 0.325.
It must have been horrible being the judge on that case. He was disgusted at the sentence he had to hand down. The driver had been rescued at the scene by some massive heroic efforts from first responders (THAT was also a really, really difficult one for them to live with after). I believe the judge said himself that the final sentence was far too lenient.
He had sustained sever brain injury and is permanently paralyzed.
The judge said "nothing I can do to him comes even close to what he's done to himself."
His injuries he sustained are so severe that he needs life long constant care. There are no penitentiaries in our country that would be able to accommodate the care he requires. So essentially it would be a death sentence for him. (We are not a death penalty country).
And so the judge said to him, "the prison that you're in now is one of your own making".
The family said (and I will very loosely paraphrase here) that they would not like to have another death on their hands or their conscience.
That distant voice echoed in my head often yesterday... "that could have been me... that could have been me..."
We were driving going north, and he was driving beside us going north across the highway on the southbound lanes. Could have been going south towards him.
Could have been going north on the wrong side of the highway... The last part that was something that was hard to shake. There is nothing that separates me from him other than it didn't happen to me and I didn't cause that. I know there are thousands of us around here who are extremely guilty of that. But for me I was painfully aware. I witnessed the aftermath. Yet I still went down that road.
Anyways... 5 years later, I have had and lost it all. Yesterday I stood on the doorstep of one year since I tried to take my own life and was very serious about me being done.
I had gone from the dream to the nightmare after a few long & short years of hell. Now a year later I am living a life of recovery and while every day is not great I am grateful for every day of it.
Yesterday, this news of the accident, today being both the day I died and came back, and my daughter who doesn't talk to me turning 13, I was rattled and in the twilight zone.
It ended up being a really good day with the kids, all the kids, mine and not mine who were here.
And today I am ok. I have that part of my heart that hurts put away for now and I am emotionally and spiritually safe because I love her no matter what and pray for her everyday. And no matter what I am ok, and I'm working on the loving me better part more and more.
I remember the day before yesterday? or yesterday in between those moments of stepping back into the nightmares, standing in the shower with my eyes closed and just letting the water run over my face. It was just the right time of day, and if I stood in just the right place, the bright sun shone through the high bathroom window onto my face as the water poured down.
It was a brief and sweet moment of bliss. Nothing mattered at all right then.
Sorry FBL, I had thought I had posted somewhere that I thought that was really freakin cool the projects you are working on.
And I am glad to hear about Fran too. I had really strange dreams last night too. Some kind of trolls making a big brew like an underground lake of ale. They sang songs and everything.
I just have to say how grateful I am for this thread, again. It's like a little meeting every day and I usually hear what I need to hear or get ideas or advice that I think of, keeping in mind, try out, and it helps. And I miss it when I can't get to it.
I know there are so many things that are changing, most of them are slow (painfully slow) but the big one that has been slogging along and dragging itself over bumps or up walls is the acceptance.
There is SO much freedom in acceptance.
I just see it now, when I feel the fight rising in me, resisting things I cannot change or just letting my ego, my pride and my self-will run riot and run the show.. and I just hit the wall one more time, halfheartedly and give up.
"Here, you handle it. Please. " Hand it over. Accept it's not mine to deal with.
Acceptance... I accept... I am pretty cool, you're all pretty dang cool, and I accept I cannot and will not drink today.
Hope you are all well. It is SMOKING hot here today... got a yard full, and then I have been blessed with 2 surprise days off...
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Wow, Del. I will pray for that drunk driver as well as for the family of the mother and son.
I am also praying for restoration in the relationship between you and your daughter.
I am very glad that you were not successful in taking your own life.
You are a very powerful writer. Thank you for sharing that with us. What a very intense day it must have been for you.
I'm glad it was a good day today with all the kids.
I am also praying for restoration in the relationship between you and your daughter.
I am very glad that you were not successful in taking your own life.
You are a very powerful writer. Thank you for sharing that with us. What a very intense day it must have been for you.
I'm glad it was a good day today with all the kids.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,049
Happy Monday !
I'm off for 2 days. Tomorrow is cardiologist appt. I skipped the gym last night. Think I'm down a bit because I've always been aroun ppl in my family with heart issues, and now it's probably my ticket to punch and go along with it.
On the other hand, while my body is is a finite, wearing out thing, my spirit is awful free these days. The vessel just doesn't make the wearer. I apologize for sounding weird(er). Until I've been sober for 20 yeast the least, I believe a lot of things are going to feel new and strange. Good days for us all !!
Going to think about what to today with the boys. No adult supervision in sight. Lol
I'm off for 2 days. Tomorrow is cardiologist appt. I skipped the gym last night. Think I'm down a bit because I've always been aroun ppl in my family with heart issues, and now it's probably my ticket to punch and go along with it.
On the other hand, while my body is is a finite, wearing out thing, my spirit is awful free these days. The vessel just doesn't make the wearer. I apologize for sounding weird(er). Until I've been sober for 20 yeast the least, I believe a lot of things are going to feel new and strange. Good days for us all !!
Going to think about what to today with the boys. No adult supervision in sight. Lol
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Wow, two weddings Glee? That's a lot to deal with but I am glad that you feel comfortable enough to handle that. My party was fine, but I worked at 6:00am that morning, and despite a quick nap, was ready to slip out the door as soon as socially appropriate. Not dancing or drinking dampens the allure of these events for me nowadays.
Del, what an amazing story. Sometimes, there is a randomness to life that no matter how carefully planned, things happen. Thankfully, you weren't headed in the other direction. I am horrified still that I have driven a vehicle drunk and thankful that an innocent person or family did not get hurt. It eats away at me still today that my disease allowed me to act so brazenly reckless towards others.
Sometimes, we forget the cost to society at large caused by alcoholism. In the US alone, $440 billion dollars are annually wasted on missed work, hospitalizations, court cases and so on. Forty percent of all hospital bed here are filled by people with alcohol problems or problems stemming from alcohol use. And yet, alcohol today is the one drug that you have to make excuses to people for not using.
Best wishes for a great day all!
Del, what an amazing story. Sometimes, there is a randomness to life that no matter how carefully planned, things happen. Thankfully, you weren't headed in the other direction. I am horrified still that I have driven a vehicle drunk and thankful that an innocent person or family did not get hurt. It eats away at me still today that my disease allowed me to act so brazenly reckless towards others.
Sometimes, we forget the cost to society at large caused by alcoholism. In the US alone, $440 billion dollars are annually wasted on missed work, hospitalizations, court cases and so on. Forty percent of all hospital bed here are filled by people with alcohol problems or problems stemming from alcohol use. And yet, alcohol today is the one drug that you have to make excuses to people for not using.
Best wishes for a great day all!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Deliza -- that was an amazing post. You're going through so much with all these milestone-memories. They will get less intense over time. Since you reflect on your experiences so intensely, what you learn from them will become the stronger impression than the grief or pain. I'm glad that you think we're helpful to you.
I can't write too much, because I'm writing from work which is pretty uncool. I overslept today -- yesterday and last night I slept about 15 hours -- all those good plans for a simple and lightly productive day went out the window at about 3 p.m. I got a weird attack of extreme anxiety and couldn't really get past it all day. All I wanted was the whole world dead -- that was what kept racing through my mind, I guess it was just all stimulation I wanted *out.*
Too much already from me. I hope everyone has a good day. JL, I don't know how old you are, but I've accepted increasing physical limitations as I age, and know only more will come along. I doubt anyone likes this part of life! But because I'm sober, I take a lot more pleasure in things other-than-physical.
I can't write too much, because I'm writing from work which is pretty uncool. I overslept today -- yesterday and last night I slept about 15 hours -- all those good plans for a simple and lightly productive day went out the window at about 3 p.m. I got a weird attack of extreme anxiety and couldn't really get past it all day. All I wanted was the whole world dead -- that was what kept racing through my mind, I guess it was just all stimulation I wanted *out.*
Too much already from me. I hope everyone has a good day. JL, I don't know how old you are, but I've accepted increasing physical limitations as I age, and know only more will come along. I doubt anyone likes this part of life!
But because I'm sober, I take a lot more pleasure in things other-than-physical.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Glee, you are strong for making it through 2 weddings. I couldn't do it... yet here I am preparing for shooting another wedding in a month and a half 
and daydreaming of getting back into photography.
JL, you don't sound weird to me. You sound free(er) than you have since we were in Feb class together. I had that shock feeling of realizing how old I am now and there's no turning back the clock and getting back lost time or wear on our bodies. I hope your strength of mind carries you through any further health issues.
Gil, thank you for all the thoughts and prayers. Wonder of wonders- my daughter actually got on the phone with me and my other 2 yesterday so thankyou for those prayers! She sounded good- until I told her our old pooch had died as we were generally talking about all the animals... apparently she didn't know, when he passed she was not on speaking terms with me. So she broke down crying. Another birthday ruined by me 
And then their dad comes down hard on the phone with my son. I did too, because he knew and never told her... he just forgot.. But really, it wasn't his responsibility. My dad says it comes back to my daughter not speaking to half the family for so long. She learned about my grandpa passing through facebook and was upset that no one told her. Well, waddayado when you don't to half your family? *shrug*
Anyways, the drama continues with the girl who can do no wrong. I still love her very much, and step in the right direction with communication. Grateful for that. It's not something I get hopeful or excited about anymore unfortunately. It is what it is day by day.
Right now I'm just working at letting go of my choke-hold grip on a certain part of my life because I'm trying to control something that, is not all the way something I can control or change. I think, doing the next right thing and trusting the process and being patient are the medicine for today.
I get to get in a couple meetings this week. That makes me happy.
I think intensely sometimes so I have to get it out either by talking or writing it out. But when I start it's hard to stop.
Courage I hope you have a good day. I can relate to your feeling. Hope you are feeling more settled today.
Fbl, Carlos, Pj I am missing lots... hi ho! Hope you are all well and where are those missing?
No drinking today. I will admit the intense pressure of life lately has had me fantasizing from time to time about drinking. I just keep shutting the door on it because the other side of the door I see all the good and the time adding up from being sober. And that feels good. Drinking will rob me of everything in one sip.
No drink. I need to apply my program & plan a lot harder.
Hope everyone is having a great start to their week!
and daydreaming of getting back into photography. JL, you don't sound weird to me. You sound free(er) than you have since we were in Feb class together. I had that shock feeling of realizing how old I am now and there's no turning back the clock and getting back lost time or wear on our bodies. I hope your strength of mind carries you through any further health issues.
Gil, thank you for all the thoughts and prayers. Wonder of wonders- my daughter actually got on the phone with me and my other 2 yesterday
so thankyou for those prayers! She sounded good- until I told her our old pooch had died as we were generally talking about all the animals... apparently she didn't know, when he passed she was not on speaking terms with me. So she broke down crying. Another birthday ruined by me And then their dad comes down hard on the phone with my son. I did too, because he knew and never told her... he just forgot.. But really, it wasn't his responsibility. My dad says it comes back to my daughter not speaking to half the family for so long. She learned about my grandpa passing through facebook and was upset that no one told her. Well, waddayado when you don't to half your family? *shrug*
Anyways, the drama continues with the girl who can do no wrong. I still love her very much, and step in the right direction with communication. Grateful for that. It's not something I get hopeful or excited about anymore unfortunately. It is what it is day by day.
Right now I'm just working at letting go of my choke-hold grip on a certain part of my life because I'm trying to control something that, is not all the way something I can control or change. I think, doing the next right thing and trusting the process and being patient are the medicine for today.
I get to get in a couple meetings this week. That makes me happy.
I think intensely sometimes so I have to get it out either by talking or writing it out. But when I start it's hard to stop.
Courage I hope you have a good day. I can relate to your feeling. Hope you are feeling more settled today.
Fbl, Carlos, Pj I am missing lots... hi ho! Hope you are all well and where are those missing?
No drinking today. I will admit the intense pressure of life lately has had me fantasizing from time to time about drinking. I just keep shutting the door on it because the other side of the door I see all the good and the time adding up from being sober. And that feels good. Drinking will rob me of everything in one sip.
No drink. I need to apply my program & plan a lot harder.
Hope everyone is having a great start to their week!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Thanks Gil.
Her dad is playing it off like her brother ruined it.
I also got a text just now from my brother, with whom I have a very distant relationship with, and we used to be best of friends.
I have a very dysfunctional family. It's weird and tragic the trickle down effect it has through the generations.
It seems I enjoy writing small novels here in the cozy corner.
Maybe I should start a blog. BLegh.
I'm too weird and emotionally messy for that. Spend a year writing one post and then another 6 months debating before I eventually delete everything I wrote.
Her dad is playing it off like her brother ruined it.
I also got a text just now from my brother, with whom I have a very distant relationship with, and we used to be best of friends.
I have a very dysfunctional family. It's weird and tragic the trickle down effect it has through the generations.
It seems I enjoy writing small novels here in the cozy corner.
Maybe I should start a blog. BLegh.
I'm too weird and emotionally messy for that. Spend a year writing one post and then another 6 months debating before I eventually delete everything I wrote.
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