Class of February 2017 Support Thread Part 5
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Class of February 2017 Support Thread Part 5
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Hi guys. I'm not well here. I don't know how to start or what to do. My life is nothing. I can't get rid of these pervasive feelings of total worthlessness. I basically have no friends at this point. You guys are about as good as it gets. It's more information than I can share, but financially I'm in a trap. Ive *been* to AA and I'm just not finding anything or anyone I can relate to there.
I feels like I do not control my destiny. Everything I've always wanted is very unconventional and every system set up to help insists on me being totally conventional. I don't fit the mold. I never will. Honestly I'll die before they force me into it. That's been the problem. The depression and anxiety turned into full blown auto immune disorders is a direct result of this and has kept me in a vicious circle.
I'll probably feel better soon, but this has to break. Something has to break.
Viper
I feels like I do not control my destiny. Everything I've always wanted is very unconventional and every system set up to help insists on me being totally conventional. I don't fit the mold. I never will. Honestly I'll die before they force me into it. That's been the problem. The depression and anxiety turned into full blown auto immune disorders is a direct result of this and has kept me in a vicious circle.
I'll probably feel better soon, but this has to break. Something has to break.
Viper
Meow
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Great Lakes State
Posts: 1,585
(((Viper))). Not sure what to say, except that you have my support. I guess my only suggestion would be to try to break things down into manageable pieces and improving be them one at a time. That way improvements might snowball. Dunno - just a thought.
From the last thread - (((Dis)))
Thanks for opening the new thread, Dee!
From the last thread - (((Dis)))
Thanks for opening the new thread, Dee!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Things tend to get better and better if I improve one thing at a time. Of course not drinking at all improves my attitude and physical condition immensely.
I'm just frustrated with 'not getting the start' everyone else did because I was sick at 18 and by the time I was better depression and a mindset of uselessness set in.
I also went to look at a motorbike again yesterday. Like new Honda CB500x, similar style/purpose as that BMW I was looking at, just not as hardcore. They wanted to sell me the thing, they started negotiating without my asking. I like the bike idea because I think it will get me up and out there everyday. But I don't even know why I bother looking.
I did my diet for 2 days and started to feel better fast.
Talk later
V
I'm just frustrated with 'not getting the start' everyone else did because I was sick at 18 and by the time I was better depression and a mindset of uselessness set in.
I also went to look at a motorbike again yesterday. Like new Honda CB500x, similar style/purpose as that BMW I was looking at, just not as hardcore. They wanted to sell me the thing, they started negotiating without my asking. I like the bike idea because I think it will get me up and out there everyday. But I don't even know why I bother looking.
I did my diet for 2 days and started to feel better fast.
Talk later
V
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,174
Viper....sympathies,
You need a little sober thinking. Right now everything is a total catastrophe, the only possible answer is a total transformation. You have ride off to a new country on a new motorbike.
But its not really like that.
Sober seems to be a slow transformation of small things. A recovering mind accepts and embraces the gradual accumulation of small wins and improvements. You really only have just the day to work with, just today. If you can make something of it sober then you take another step.
Example: 3 months along and my teenage son is now in the habit of calling me casually when he needs a lift home. Because I'm available to do it, he's becoming used to the fact that I'm a reliable parent. Makes me feel better about being a parent. Quite a step forward for me.
With time many things can be restored, repaired, made better. But you have to let go of the catastrophe mindset, the view that only a life totally, instantly transformed is the only answer. And just embrace the day.
Day 90 for me. Its been good.
You need a little sober thinking. Right now everything is a total catastrophe, the only possible answer is a total transformation. You have ride off to a new country on a new motorbike.
But its not really like that.
Sober seems to be a slow transformation of small things. A recovering mind accepts and embraces the gradual accumulation of small wins and improvements. You really only have just the day to work with, just today. If you can make something of it sober then you take another step.
Example: 3 months along and my teenage son is now in the habit of calling me casually when he needs a lift home. Because I'm available to do it, he's becoming used to the fact that I'm a reliable parent. Makes me feel better about being a parent. Quite a step forward for me.
With time many things can be restored, repaired, made better. But you have to let go of the catastrophe mindset, the view that only a life totally, instantly transformed is the only answer. And just embrace the day.
Day 90 for me. Its been good.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Viper there's nothing you can do about whatever happened at 18, 25 or even last week.
There's a lot you can do with your today tho...
You can make quitting drinking as complicated as you like, but I had to make it simple. Don't raise the glass to your lips.
It meant I had to deal with a whole heap of stuff I'd usually drink away - and it meant I had to let go of problems that weren't mine to fix - but I did ot, and I grew from that experience.
I had enough catastrophic years. I want something better than that now.
D
There's a lot you can do with your today tho...
You can make quitting drinking as complicated as you like, but I had to make it simple. Don't raise the glass to your lips.
It meant I had to deal with a whole heap of stuff I'd usually drink away - and it meant I had to let go of problems that weren't mine to fix - but I did ot, and I grew from that experience.
I had enough catastrophic years. I want something better than that now.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: North Georgia Mountains
Posts: 588
Canguy,
Great post today, Congrats on 90!
Weather has been terrible with a lot of rain. The river has flooded and it is not possible to fish. Not bad enough to make me drink though (HaHa Mr. AV)!
Tonight is my 15th straight night in my tent. I am splurging and moving to an AirBnB studio apartment in the morning for a couple of days, to wait for the weather to improve.
Take care everyone.
Great post today, Congrats on 90!
Weather has been terrible with a lot of rain. The river has flooded and it is not possible to fish. Not bad enough to make me drink though (HaHa Mr. AV)!
Tonight is my 15th straight night in my tent. I am splurging and moving to an AirBnB studio apartment in the morning for a couple of days, to wait for the weather to improve.
Take care everyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Yeah it's true. That's what I'm in. Catastrophe thinking and I feel the only recourse is total escape. I know it takes like a year of not drinking for that really good stuff to come to you. It it really just comes without 'you' having done much except not drink.
I would like something to sink my teeth into. For instance if I was stable in my living situation and knew I was staying put, a dog with be amazing for me. Motorbike is worth a shot for something fun to do, but not a cure. I also have about 10 things I can just do, like hike, kayak, or go to a super nice gym for free.
Leave the foreign countries and adventure after getting my head straight and figure out some system of work or something for myself. School isn't going to happen. There's no money for it.
My parents sat me down and offered me a trip today. Go somewhere water and sun and feel better. They see I've been so down. I said 'I really don't know about that.' I mean what it gets going to solve? It would break my routine and get me FAR away from my friend that I need to totally let go of. So I'm not trapped.
I agree that it's not as simple as 'riding a motorcycle to a foreign country,' but I will leave here. I'm not supposed to be here and I'm not doing what I was put here for. It's that simple. That's why everything just stopped when I hit adulthood. The wilds of Africa, Asia, The Carribean, there is NO rush like that, and I'm damn well not sitting in uptight CT USA the rest of my life.
I'll just work on today, it's true, it's all I've got. It's true.
V
I would like something to sink my teeth into. For instance if I was stable in my living situation and knew I was staying put, a dog with be amazing for me. Motorbike is worth a shot for something fun to do, but not a cure. I also have about 10 things I can just do, like hike, kayak, or go to a super nice gym for free.
Leave the foreign countries and adventure after getting my head straight and figure out some system of work or something for myself. School isn't going to happen. There's no money for it.
My parents sat me down and offered me a trip today. Go somewhere water and sun and feel better. They see I've been so down. I said 'I really don't know about that.' I mean what it gets going to solve? It would break my routine and get me FAR away from my friend that I need to totally let go of. So I'm not trapped.
I agree that it's not as simple as 'riding a motorcycle to a foreign country,' but I will leave here. I'm not supposed to be here and I'm not doing what I was put here for. It's that simple. That's why everything just stopped when I hit adulthood. The wilds of Africa, Asia, The Carribean, there is NO rush like that, and I'm damn well not sitting in uptight CT USA the rest of my life.
I'll just work on today, it's true, it's all I've got. It's true.
V
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
I'm not arguing with anyone. More arguing with myself. I've been blindly running down corridors for years and years and ending up in the same place.
Luckily I've got a good place to stay, family, a car that's just fine now. I've got zero debt. And I've got some things going for me. I know I've got to make things happen.
Thanks
Luckily I've got a good place to stay, family, a car that's just fine now. I've got zero debt. And I've got some things going for me. I know I've got to make things happen.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
Vipe, the plans for travel sound awesome. I'm getting the wanderlust again -- maybe not as far as Africa, but I haven't left the south in a couple of years now which is unusual for me. But, we're in the Feb. 2017 class, which means at max, less than 100 days sober. I'm with canguy -- take the small victories now, rebuild the foundation, rebuild the bank account, and travel when you can really appreciate it. At least that's what I'm telling myself 
Retiredguy, sounds like you're in the Appalachians somewhere? I know here it's been pretty damp. Airbnb is probably a good idea, take a couple nights to scrub the mildew off!
Retiredguy, sounds like you're in the Appalachians somewhere? I know here it's been pretty damp. Airbnb is probably a good idea, take a couple nights to scrub the mildew off!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: North Georgia Mountains
Posts: 588
Rascal, I have been in Pennsylvania the last two weeks. Headed to the Catskills in New York for the next two weeks, then a week in the Adirondacks of New York, then two week's in Maine(where I was born and raised). My wife will fly to Maine and meet me on June 10th for a leisurely drive home.
BTW, I did fish the DavIdson in your home state last year. It was a nice spot.
BTW, I did fish the DavIdson in your home state last year. It was a nice spot.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
I remember the little victories. They *are* really great. Simply saying, 'hey I was up at 7 and it's 11pm and I just stopped doing things.' Or going to movies with my nephew because I'm not exhausted and hung over and I can commit to 3 days from now. All that stuff.
I'm ok today. A little grouchy. Maybe I should take my benzo before someoneone looks at me sideways
. Or I THINK someone is looking at me sideways.
Thanks for the ideas/theories that are hard for me to see.
Check in before bed. It's gonna be a nice one. Probably 70 and sunny. I think I'll see if I can take out my nephew's dirt bike.
I'm ok today. A little grouchy. Maybe I should take my benzo before someoneone looks at me sideways
. Or I THINK someone is looking at me sideways. Thanks for the ideas/theories that are hard for me to see.
Check in before bed. It's gonna be a nice one. Probably 70 and sunny. I think I'll see if I can take out my nephew's dirt bike.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 588
Vipe - you throw out so many things to do that would make you happy. Are you actively pursuing one of them? That's my advice. Pick a path and try and make it happen! For me, it is going to be exercise. I have talked about it a lot but this week I am going to start.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Hi Axey, right now I'm going to actively pursue getting back on my diet and back with my doctor Tuesday so I'm not sleeping all day. I hadn't realized how strict I was with that diet and how much it helped until I started cheating and went over the line. That's #1.
Ok, not a bad day today. I did crash out for a while but I stayed positive and talked to my nutritionist. That was encouraging actually.
I'm not in doom mode.
V
Ok, not a bad day today. I did crash out for a while but I stayed positive and talked to my nutritionist. That was encouraging actually.
I'm not in doom mode.
V
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 588
Woke up happy = sober last night. Small symptoms linger from bad choices Friday and Saturday, but that's over. I will build on this morning with tonight. Won't let the hockey game be my AVs tool to persuade me. Hell, I will skip it if it helps! I am more important. This is more important. Another rule for this week is to only grocery shop where they don't sell alcohol, and shop for today's and tomorrow's dinner to cut down on trips. New routine! I may also even walk on the treadmill while the game is on rather than sit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Keep it up Axey, you bounce back fast now, when you hit 47..., you don't. I'm not sure if everyone is aware that I've just been doing a lot of sleeping. I've got no choice. However I got my ongoing health issues vastly improved with 5 months sobriety and 3 months of strictly adhering to an auto-immune diet, so I know this can be remedied (I think anyway).
Another day. I'm going to stay positive and keep trodding along.
O-M-G!! My sick friend is in Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic, haunting me from there. My therapist told me it would be a mistake to go with her, in so many words, and maaaan was her right!!!!! I'm really glad I was able to hear him. Holy cr#p. It would have been a nightmare. It's a nightmare now, but I'm only getting voicemails. Because of her, my phone has been on 'Do Not Disturb' mode for several weeks now. I see who has called or texted, but there is no alert at the time. Thank you iPhone. If the life raft can only hold one person before it sinks, and the waters are infested with starving sharks, do you take on a passenger? I have a responsibility to my own family to get well, to save them from constant worry about me, not to mention the responsibility to myself. I'm justifying, but this is a nightmare.
Ok, thank you. I'll check in later after a successful day.
Viper
Another day. I'm going to stay positive and keep trodding along.
O-M-G!! My sick friend is in Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic, haunting me from there. My therapist told me it would be a mistake to go with her, in so many words, and maaaan was her right!!!!! I'm really glad I was able to hear him. Holy cr#p. It would have been a nightmare. It's a nightmare now, but I'm only getting voicemails. Because of her, my phone has been on 'Do Not Disturb' mode for several weeks now. I see who has called or texted, but there is no alert at the time. Thank you iPhone. If the life raft can only hold one person before it sinks, and the waters are infested with starving sharks, do you take on a passenger? I have a responsibility to my own family to get well, to save them from constant worry about me, not to mention the responsibility to myself. I'm justifying, but this is a nightmare.
Ok, thank you. I'll check in later after a successful day.
Viper
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