Thirteenth

Well, there goes that empty threat. I do hope everyone is well, but also that anyone would comment here for assistance as needed. I for sure do not do that. I'm working on it.

I've thought a lot about drinking me. And I don't hate drinking me as much as I think I should. I very rarely do things that are either stupid or dangerous. It doesn't excuse the times that I do, just that they are few. What I do hate is that I don't hate it more. Why am I seemingly okay with damaging my health, relationships, etc. most of the time? I know better yet I don't do better. This is one that I can't seem to figure out.

Thirteenth

It's almost as if I have to have some gigantic regret to see the light. I don't want it to come to that. I want to move forward and stop tempting fate. No understanding why I don't actually do that. Sorry to go from journaling-ish to whining.

Purplrks3647

That must be the AV being sneaky....it does that to me too!

Thirteenth

I once lost it because my video game was accidentally shut off when I was close to clearing a level. Pretty sure it was Legend of Zelda.

Dee74

you might be feeding the wrong wolf, Thirteenth?

Thirteenth

Damn you, Dee.

I was thinking that same thing. I guess I'm looking for a more clear indication (what could be more clear than that?). I don't know. Maybe a smack in the head. I'm simply not getting it and I don't understand why. It's nobody's fault but my own, but the frustration is maddening.

Dee74

I spent years looking for a concrete sign and ended up finding it when I passed out bloody-headed on the bathroom floor.

The truth was there were signs aplenty before that but I didn't want to commit to change. Change terrified me.

I wanted to be that guy who drank as much as he wanted but had no negative consequences.

Admitting that was an eternally impossible aim was my first tentative step towards change.

I'm glad I did take that step - it changed my life immeasurably for the better.

D

samantha14

This made me laugh out loud.....funny how when it was my kids it made me want to scream but when it is someone else's it's amusing....lol

Thirteenth

You are a beacon, Dee. The realism of your story that somehow we all know, your compassion to deal with anyone, your pull no punches yet be kind approach. I cannot adequately express my thanks.

More than once I've been told that the reason doesn't matter. All that matters is the action to deal with the problem. That's where I'm lacking. While I have taken the first step that acknowledges the problem, I've not gone further. I am scared to do so. I also have no choice.

samantha14

I feel the same way you do....like I am looking for some sign from above. But maybe we don't need to understand....maybe we just put one foot in front of the other for no reason other than moving forward is the right direction? Maybe the understanding comes later?

samantha14

I think fear is a huge factor - especially for me....I do not like the unknown....I like assurances and absolutes. But fear also usually means that I am taking a chance and that I am stepping outside of my comfort zone....not easy but typically worth it

clearlyheaded

Checking in again. Still sober. Feeling a little better. I made DD clean up the mini disasters of toys that were strewn all around the house and driving me crazy. I took a nap. And had ice cream. I planned to go grocery shopping today since I don't have anything for dinner, but decided that wasn't a good idea. We'll order pizza instead.

Waking up with a headache, my back hurting even though I got a new mattress, feeling hungover even though I didn't drink, and zero energy even though I slept 9 hours made me so mad today. I had a lot of plans, but no energy to get a damn thing done. At least the house is picked up a little. And I'm sober.

And I mentally ran through the things I am grateful for to ward off wallowing in the things I felt resentful for today. It helped. A little.

Sorry to hear so many of us are struggling today. Kids sure do test us, don't they?

Thirteenth

Heh, I used to be fine with the unknown. Then the alcohol cocoon got me. How things change. Have to get off the sauce forever, I do.

samantha14

If the only thing you accomplished today CH is being sober then I call the day a success!! Great job working through the emotions!!

samantha14

Hey that was my 1,000th post!!

Thirteenth

Oh hell yes. Keep doing it CH.

clearlyheaded

Yes to this. I fully admit to still struggling with acceptance, which I think is the crux for me. And maybe why AV keeps sneaking back in sweet talking me into thinking drinking isn't as harmful to me as I'm making out to be. My biggest fear, and what I keep trying to drill into my stupid thick skull, is that the sign may come too late. What if I don't understand until I am referred to a GI specialist for cirrhosis? What if I run out of time waiting to for a sign that makes me understand? In a way it took a leap of faith to just put the glass down, even though my path hasn't been a straight one. We have a lifetime to work toward understanding. But that can only come if we're sober.

Purplrks3647

^^^ I completely agree!^^^ Well said!

clearlyheaded

Here's a picture of my new kitten, Lucy

samantha14

Omg!! So sweet!!