Obladi

Hooray and goodonya, my fabulous friend!
I know that AV went slinking back into the slime where it belongs.

I'm proud of you, too.

Fabela

Thank you, my friends. I felt SO bad yesterday, my anxiety was through the roof, and yet I managed to do what I really wanted to to - I just didn't see it at the time. I think I am a little proud of myself.

Ariesagain

YESSSSS!!!

Quite the test and you came through beautifully!

Fabela

I did! And I have no idea where that strength came from.

Today I have two things on my mind. One is that I now realize how extremely important it is to have a plan, and that the plan I made shows how well I know myself and my triggers. The last part is a big realization for me.

The other thing is seeing my family this morning. They were all lazy, just walking around in their PJ's, everything was just so...normal. They don't even realize it, but I have given them a great gift. The gift of not worrying about me.

Charlie, DH and I have been doing some gardening. Hubby is doing the dirty work, I'm doing everything else and Charlie has made it his responsibility to dig up all the perennials he can get his paws on. Darn dog. I hope he doesn't destroy the yard completely.

Fabela

This thread should be renamed. I'm thinking something in the lane of Fabela's Fracking Feeble Fraudulent Failures (not that I know what half of those words mean). I'm all over the place, I'm up and down and I hate it. Sometimes I feel so good, ready to take on everything, and just minutes later I'm sinking into something dark and sticky where I'm ready to give it all up just to catch a break from all this pain gushing through my body. It's like a roller coaster on the loose, going much faster than I can handle. I try to write on the forum, to show people how much I care about them and that I want to be there for them, but I can't seem to find the words to express that and I end up just giving short comments or even just a smiley. If I could write in my own language I would be a much better support, and even participate more in discussions or in the chatroom, but now I'm just blah. I understand completely that you guys are frustrated to read this, because I'm so unstable.

I go back to older posts to read, and the jolly and cheerful posts just make me think that I'm such a fraud, trying to convince other people that I'm doing so well. I'm not. I should be locked up somewhere, and have the key thrown away. Blæh.

bandicoot2

Hi Fabela,

Stumbled on your thread and just Love it- Congratulations on your 30+ Sober days!! Also got caught up in your Charlie story- He's gorgeous and it's heartwarming to hear how you've welcomed him into your family.

All of my dogs have been rescues and my very special soulmate boy was a Golden.
Years ago a friend gave me a bumper sticker covered in paws and it read, "Who Saved Who?"

Wishing you and Charlie many happy years together and I look forward to hearing more about your Sober life and your adventures with Charlie-

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

Jsbodhi

Xoxo

Things ebb and flow.
I relapsed last week and couldn't do dishes even- for 4 days.
This week I'm great.
We can't be on top of it all the time xo

OpenTuning

Hi Fabela,

I've not checked in for a while, but wanted to say how fantastic it was to read you got through that party and are still going strong with the non-drinking.

Regarding targets, they're great for inspiration, but there is always the risk that reaching them will give your AV a huge opening. How about setting yourself rolling targets, like switch to 100 days now, that then rolls onto 6 months as soon as you hit it, which then rolls onto 1 year when you hit that. Until being sober is so much part of your new lifestyle that the idea of having a drink just won't even appeal to you any more?

But for now, regarding your mood, I understand completely why you're feeling the way you are right now. If you'll excuse an analogy, you've spend a large part of your adult life in the equivalent of Winter, due to the trauma you experienced as a child. Everything makes sense with that in mind. You've been making enormous progress, even in the month or so you've been posting on here, but it feels like you're now in the equivalent of early Spring. Beautiful sunshine one day, then a freak snowstorm the next. A bit of hail and sleet, more sunshine, then freezing rain, sunshine again. Early Spring is a hugely unpredictable time of year. But to stretch this analogy even further, it's all a sign that Summer is coming. And then even when it rains (which it still will sometimes) at least it's not as cold

Don't know if any of that makes sense, but I guess what I'm saying is try to be kind to yourself and if possible accept that you will experience a lot of ups and downs. But the times you're feeling more upbeat are now just as real, and part of who you are as the darker moods you're more used to. I don't think any of us feel frustrated about that. That's just all part of the Fabela package we've grown so fond of

Obladi

Fabs,

We all do our best to convince other people and ourselves that we're fine. When you're totally lying and deceitful (such as hiding booze and getting drunk on the sly), that's not well behavior. When you are looking on the bright side, doing everything you can to turn things around, conquering your demons, that's well behavior.

Keep you hands and arms in the vehicle - I'm sure the roller coaster ride will smooth out as you go along. You're doing great.

xo
O

p.s. your few words or even just a smiley or hug mean a great deal to me. It shows you care and I really truly appreciate that you even take the time.

Fabela

This brings a tear to my eye. Thank you. And thanks for your great post.

Fabela

Fabela

You know, that's what I fear the most. Relapsing, and coming back here for another day 1. I don't know if I could face you guys if that happens. I feel like I am forced to do well, and motivation based on fear is not good. It's not just you guys, it's my husband as well. People expect so much from me, and I can't deal with it. It's as if I have to prove that I'm not the person you think I am. Darn it.

Fabela

OT, I LOVE that analogy! It's just the way I feel, spot on. Thank you for taking time to write that, it means a lot to me. Regarding your suggestion that I set a new goal, I was actually going to come in here and say that I want to stop counting days. It puts too much pressure on me. I don't know if it's the right way to go, I might count anyway, but I have to try.

Thank you for being here.

Fabela

O, this is so true. I don't want to be that person, I want to be the one facing their worst fear. It is still very, very tough for me to do what is good for me, I still feel the urge to do the exact opposite, but I guess that it's worth a pat on the back that I'm trying the best I can.

Ariesagain

I think most of us fear failing at this...I know I do. I have nightmares in which I drink (one night it was a glass of warm champagne ) and my first thought was that I blown all those sober days...

Is it possible that your AV is disguising itself as a voice from your past? Mine does...it's the scornful voice of my father telling me that I'm just being a drama queen and to have a drink and shut up already...

We can choose not to obey those voices...

Fabela

I'm trying, Aries. I don't know what to call that voice, to me it is not the typical AV, it's one that has been with me for 30 + years. I can't treat it as an individual thing, it's a part of me and I have to treat it that way and learn to live with it.

BTW, I got Charlie that harness you talked about, and it worked. He was so surprised every time he tried to pull and ended up sideways...

Fabela

This is the reason I can't count days anymore. The very thought of ruining a very good number of days sober, is enough to make me want to sabotage. This is my day 34. That's it. No more counting. I can't do the 24 hour thread either, it is counterproductive.

I'm even contemplating shutting down this thread as well, I don't know how much good it does for me. We'll see.

There's a tiny fracture of a rainbow above the mountains.

Obladi

Hold up, my Fine and Fabulous Friend.

I am seeing you completely through MY lens and MY bias, I understand this and you can tell me to (figuratively) go jump in a lake, if you want, but here's what I want to say:

If you ever "catch me" saying I want to stop counting days or stop posting, you will know for certain that I am certainly planning on some level to drink. For me, there would be no other reason to take either of these actions - at least not for a good long time from now.

This might not be you.
I may totally be off base thinking we are alike.

But I am asking you to be sure you are being honest with yourself (a completely personal matter that does not need to be shared) about what your AV is up to.

Many hugs,
O

p.s. You need feel no pressure whatsoever from US for what YOU want to do. If you want to drink, I'm pretty sure it's not going to disappoint anyone here. It might make us feel sad or concerned, but I'm pretty sure no one would feel that you let US down. We all just want to support you being the Fabulous Fab you so clearly are and want to fully realize.

Obladi

Was I clear?
If you are sure it's the right thing for you, go for it.

xo
O