Fabela

I've tried to read about it, but every time I freak out when I read the word FOREVER. Maybe I'll go back and read some more.

Obladi

Well I wasn't suggesting that you make a Big Plan (although if you do, that would be great for you - I haven't yet, same reason).

But what you are describing these last few days is a dead on description of how "the beast" is using your addictive voice to try to get its own way. I find these concepts to be extremely helpful in identifying what's going on with me when I get a wicked craving. I'm convinced it is a physiological thing and AVRT explains it in understandable terms. At least it helped me to understand how I could desperately want to drink and desperately not want to drink both at the same time.

There's a short course if you just Google AVRT Mini Crash Course - that explains the concepts very quickly.

OpenTuning

I also found AVRT really helpful, the idea that we have different parts to our brain to help explain these conflicting demands. But the key thing is knowing that inner primitive part of our brains (which we tend to call AV, but some people personalise it more "The Beast", "The Witch" or whatever) is not the part that controls our actions. It can't walk to a store, buy alcohol, open it, and drink it. The conscious you has to do that, and you have a choice. You can say no.

Where I understand how much harder this is for you, is that you've talked about having an additional inner voice, which is not at all unusual for people who have been through similar experiences to you, that takes all the ammunition most of us use against our AV (alcohol damages our relationships, gives us hangovers, lowers our self esteem, harms our health, finances etc) and says "great, that's exactly what I want to happen, because I don't deserve to be happy, successful etc".

So you're fighting a battle on two fronts, and I understand how hard that must be.

But, the good thing is seeing how actively you're working on both aspects, through your therapy, coming on here, coming up with a strong sobriety plan. And seeing the real progress you're making.

Yes, it must feel like a rollercoaster, with real lows at times, but it seems that you're starting to allow yourself to feel good about the wonderful things you've accomplished, take real pride in them, in a way that was so difficult for you before. And it looks like those positive times are becoming more frequent, despite the lows. Yes, there's still a long way to go, but it really feels like you're on a path that will get you to a much, much better place than where you started.

Obladi

Hey Fabela,

How are you doing today?

Fabela

Thanks, OpenTuning. I try my best, but I still have a long, long way to go. At least I can honestly say that my life is so much better now, than it was four months ago. It took a lot of hard work, but I did it.

Fabela

I'm doing fine, I think. The day didn't start very well, with Charlie peeing inside the house, pouring rain outside and a meeting with my boss, but it improved. My boss and I talked about my present situation and the fact that I want to start working more, and we talked about next year. It went well, and as I had promised myself that I could buy myself a bottle of wine after the meeting, I went to the Special Liquor Store. As I parked my car, I saw the veterinary's office, and I went inside to ask about fixing Charlie and getting him his shots (which the previous owner had ignored completely). In the waiting room there were two tiny puppies, only 7 weeks old, and since I couldn't stay away from them, I got lots of kisses and puppy love. So instead of buying that bottle, I went grocery shopping. When I walked through the door, I smiled and said that a sixpack of beer is ok, but strangely enough, I didn't buy any. This is weird.

Had an appointment with my therapist, and I have to face the fact that my eating disorder is my main problem, this alcohol thing is nothing compared to the way I abuse food. I find no pleasure in food, I just stuff my face to get away from whatever I'm feeling, and now my body is tired. It's just hard to accept that I am able to quit drinking, but not to stop eating like this.

I feel pretty today. My hair looks nice and red and shiny, and my curls are behaving themselves. I put on make up before I left, and when I look in the mirror I can say to myself that I actually look kinda good. And that's not allowed.

Fabela

Got a letter today, saying that I got that place in the "rehab" facility I talked about. I leave in about five weeks.

OpenTuning

Hi Fabela,

Great news about the offer of a place. I imagine scary, but exciting, at the same time

You have so much that you're dealing with right now, that I can fully understand how overwhelming it must feel, and how difficult it must be to know what to try and address first.

If you'll please excuse a bit of advice, but I do feel there is a huge advantage of dealing with Alcohol now, though, which is that alcohol can do a lot of damage to all kinds of different areas in your life very, very quickly, and make it much harder to deal with everything else. Your AV (see above ) is working overtime to try and get you drinking again, but it doesn't have your best interests at heart. Given the self-destructive streak you've mentioned several times, an attempt at moderation feels very risky. I really hope you'll carry on choosing sobriety.

Fabela

I'm sorry.

Obladi

What?
I'm confused...
Rehab place?
Sorry for what?

I'm slow but not stupid and I just lost the thread here....

xo
O

Dee74

I'm confused for different reasons

Why is it not allowed for you to say you look good?
And why are you sorry?

D

Fabela

The "rehab" place is for people who've been unable to work, for different reasons. Their main focus is to get people back to work, and it is for people with chronic pain or anxiety/depression (not the heavy stuff). I'll be there for two weeks, then I'll be home for a week (to work) and then one week away again. There will be group sessions, individual sessions, a lot of exercise and some free time. I'm not too exited, we'll see how things go.

Dee, it's the crazy, destructive part of me that doesn't allow me to say something good to myself. I don't expect you to understand, I don't get it either.

Dee74

Oh I get it.

I spent 40 years putting myself down because that's the way I was bought up - throw a disability in there and a little abuse and I was a messed up guy for a long time.

I eventually learned that just because people said things or they taught me things didn't make them right...

I learned it was ok to be me and I learned it was ok to be pretty darn awesome too

but it was a long journey from there to here - and you have my understanding

D

Fabela

My 1000th post.

I bought a bottle of wine yesterday. After the kids went to bed, I opened it and drank it. I didn't really want to drink, but I wanted to see what happened after. It was actually important to me that I didn't want to drink, because if I had been desperate to have something it would have ended in a completely different way. There were no crazy messages on Facebook, no anger, no stressed husband, everything was calm. I woke up this morning feeling a bit hung over, but I feel no shame, no regret. I didn't do anything wrong.
This was no attempt to try moderation, I have no desire to continue drinking. I needed to get rid of the "good girl" feeling. And to be honest, it wasn't that great either.

So, I've come clean with you guys. I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone, but the main thing is that I'm not disappointed in myself.

Dee74

I really hope you'll allow yourself to come to love the sober you Fabela.

It's not about being 'good' IMO it's about being authentic and about being all we can be I think.

I know your aims are a little different to most of us here, so I'm just glad nothing bad happened

D

Fabela

I like the sober Fabela a lot more than the drunk one, Dee. And I am slowly getting closer to where I want to be, it's just going to take time. After last night I actually feel quite happy, I got to see that drinking isn't exactly doing anything for me, and I haven't upset anyone doing it. Looking forward to a nice Friday night with my husband and my bottle of Pepsi Max.

Fabela

I feel calm today. It's as if a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I have faced what I thought was a big demon, but it turned out to be just a little one. I am proud of myself too, for posting here first thing this morning. Now I'll take Charlie for a walk. Hope it doesn't snow again...

sleepie

Have a good walk with Charlie Fabela

Obladi

And this is why you were "sorry."
Alright, I get it now... and that's what I thought.

Like I said, ain't no one going to be disappointed in you.
Especially not me.

Love and kisses
O

Obladi

Hey, hon.
How are you doing today?
Did you stick with the Pepsi and the husband?
What did he think about the bottle of wine?