Applekat

Fabela - maybe you've done this already but in prep for your appointment maybe make a brand new post in Newcomers asking about Antabuse use along with depression and suicidal thoughts. Or do a "search" on the forum at least.

Fabela

I have done a search, and it seems like a good idea, but DH doesn't like it at all. I'll post a question on the forum, thanks.

Applekat

Also - I liked your previous signature better. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I like seeing you post though so I see you are "ok".

Fabela

I will change it.

Saskia

Applekat

Fabela I did reach out to a woman I know in another group who just started Antabuse and asked her to keep an eye out for your post.

Fabela

I copied this from the Antabuse thread.

The Dr. appointment was a strange one. I have only met this doctor once before, just briefly on Monday. He had read all of my files, and this is the first time someone has taken a step back and viewed my history as a whole instead of focusing on the smaller parts. He was very clear on a couple of things: He didn't want to give me Antabuse, because in his opinion, I'm not an alcoholic. Yes, I abuse alcohol, but not in a way that needs to be treated with medication. He viewed the alcohol problem as a symptom, just like the over eating and the self harm. He also told me about a long term treatment for trauma patients, where I finally can start focusing on the root of my problems, the trauma itself. It's an inpatient treatment, and it lasts about ten weeks with weekly follow ups afterwards. The waiting lists are long, but I finally feel that I've been heard. This is what I have wanted for a long time.

So, even though I didn't get Antabuse, I have found a tiny glimmer of hope and I know that I don't need to drink today. I'm coming down with a cold, and the thought of a nice cup of tea and a good book while snuggling under my blanket is much better than the alternative.

I have actually decided to start counting days again. So, this is me, on day 5.

Saskia

Fabela, it sounds like the doc knows what he's doing. Life can be so hard when we are battling very difficult old demons.

I'm still amazed by how much better life is now for me. Treatment didn't make everything better instantly but it jump-started me on a path of lifelong improvement.

I eventually reached a point where I realized that I am who I am because of all of my past, good, bad and horrible, not in spite of it. The many of us who have and still are making this journey can become people who are in some ways more insightful and caring than we could have been.

You can do this!

Hawkeye13

Just found this thread Fabela--I didn't realized it had moved here but thought
you had stopped posting on it.

I'm sorry things have been rough of late and sending you a hug

Please keep working for solutions as you have been despite the pain.
I also had a traumatic childhood which made it hard to love myself.

It is a work in progress, but I am getting better and you will too

Fabela

I am still fighting, Hawkeye. This morning I wasn't feeling too good, and I forced myself to work in the yard. Really hard work, digging up roots and pruning huge trees. I felt the sweat running down my face, and it felt so good. Changed my whole mood. It's nice to experience these things, now I know what to do if I feel like that again.

Tomorrow I'm going back to that facility for the final week, and I'm looking forward to it. The weather is supposed to be nice, cold, but nice. And the best thing is that I know that I won't be temped to drink there.

Saskia

Fabela, sounds positive!

Fabela

You know, I would like to share what I have learned these past few weeks, if it's ok. I have had my ups and downs in the past, and every time I have a good day I have basically told myself that I can't feel that way - because of my trauma. I have told myself (in not so many words) that my trauma is so big that I cannot feel good. My default mood setting must be low. And of course this has been a self-fulfilling prophecy, and if I continue this way I will never feel good about myself. It is just the same with people living with chronic pain. If we focus on the bad, we will get more of it.

Now I have learned to look at this a bit differently. My trauma is still there, it will always be there, and nothing that I do can ever change that. But I can choose to focus more on what is ahead of me, not on my past. By gradually opening up to new experiences, by filling my life with tiny things that give me joy, I will be able to focus on the good. It makes me want to take better care of myself, it makes me want to act according to my values, it makes me want to be a good person. The biggest change for me is that I am starting to think that I'm maybe not such a bad person after all, maybe I am quite good? And whether I am a bad person or not, I want to start acting like a good person.

I am more mindful now. I am more aware of what I am thinking, what I am feeling. And most of all, I am more aware of all the choices that I have. I don't have to eat my feelings away now that I know what I am feeling and that the feeling will go away. I don't have to drink or to cut myself to feel bad now that I am allowing myself to feel good, that I no longer have to sabotage the good days to get to my default setting.

Of course this takes time, I have to work hard at this, but I have started a process that will be very good for me. It feels very scary to allow the negative emotions to come, to welcome them in, but I have tried it and it isn't that bad. And today I feel good, because I can. And that's all that counts.

Dee74

That's a great post Fabela
D

Saskia

Excellent, Fabela! I think you've found a major key - to learn how to deal with the hand you've been dealt. Although there will most likely be rough spots, if you can bring your mind back to this place you will do well.

It has been a lifelong process for me and now I'm emotionally in a place where I fully enjoy my life!