sleepie

I looked up those flowers Steely and they are really cool,they remind me of Dr Seuss. Is Australia really as fantastical and interesting as I have built it in my head?

Blacky

Rotten wood on this part of the house is not too bad, I cut it out and will fix it up tomorrow, and also fix the live wire I hit .. oops ..

sleepie

Don't get hurt, Blacky.

MissPerfumado

I'm exhausted. Just had dinner, it's barely 9 pm, but I need my bed. It's nice to spend tonight in my own bed, the first time in 5 nights, instead of on a plane or in a hotel room. Been grumpy and not functioning well all day at work due to tiredness - not surprising I guess.

Hope everyone is all right. Yes, be careful Blacky! Good night all.

Dee74

I think Australia is pretty special Sleepie

D

MissPerfumado

Phew - I'm feeling myself again! 9 full hours of sleep certainly helps! Unless someone schedules a last minute meeting, I don't have anything on today and can focus on getting some work done.

My big bugbear at work is that I don't see eye to eye with the managing director of our office on many things. I find him stuck in his ways, more concerned with perception than getting things done, obstructive about new ideas, etc. Everything is civil and courteous - there's certainly no open conflict. And most times I simply do my own thing, but sometimes I can't. I'm the most junior director and he is the most senior and occasionally he delegates something my way that I just think is a waste of my time. Today, apart from the work I need to get done, I have one of those special tasks. Aargh! Deep breaths needed!

Sleepie - I'll wait for Steely to tell you about Australia in her own inimitable way, but I think it's a great place - warm and friendly and definitely the lucky country.

Have a good day everyone. I will try to be patient. Serenity prayer for me today!!

sleepie

I would love to see Australia.

It's good to hear you are rested MissP tell me everything... I rarely if ever sleep well lol!

I do hope Steely will tell me about Australia too... well Dee it's got you there so of course it's special

And how did things go Blacky?

Jenses

Hi all - just checking in. Have had lots of triggers lately. There is something about the mental off-switch I associate with the first drink - and that is the tough one. Pouring the glass and settling back - that feeling of unplugging - I still miss. I can't remember who mentioned this back in December, but he said something similar re dreaming about going out for a good steak and big glass of red - but remembering that by the end of the evening, he would be a mess and wouldn't even remember eating the steak. I think of this often - that although the brief moment of letting go is so tempting, the train wreck later is not worth it.
Thanks for all your posts sleepy, steely and miss p. I have been bit quiet lately - dealing with husband leaving and facing a new definition of 'alone' now that both my parents have passed away and husband will be leaving for almost a full year. I really appreciate knowing SR and Dec 2015 class is here.

Dee74

I found re-reading my old posts helped me Jenses - it might help you too?



thanks sleepie

sleepie

Hi Jenses that is a lot of major change to handle. I am glad you are with us and hope you will remain strong in sobriety as it sounds like you are. You put it well about "unplugging". That is such an accurate description.

Years ago I frequented a zen temple. This man was speaking there, and saying that one's fears and troubles are always there, that another donut wouldn't fix it, a drink wouldn't fix it, sex wouldn't fix it- something akin to that. Or rather, "unplugging" would not fix it. It really stuck with me.

I have a crutch in food presently. I allow myself poor dietary choices in exchange for not drinking or easing my life with benzos. When I try and eat healthier and less, I feel my anxieties taking off because there is nothing to take my mind off things. And all my fears are there staring me in the face. They are reality based fears, not irrational or anything. I am not ready to handle it.

I try and think back to life before I drank. My anxiety was more free floating and less specific. I was just nervous nervous all the time. I wonder when could I have put the brakes on in my mind? Before all the wrong choices and bad relationships, dissatisfactions and eventually, drinking and addiction to benzos? It seems someone of my background and limitations had no other choice. I can't see how things would ever have been different. It's very vexing.

This isn't fixating on the past either, or being stuck in the past. It's not just run of the mill worrying I speak of. It's trying desperately to know what I could have done and where I could have changed a thing so that I'd have a more positive outcome. In fewer words, I'd rather history did not repeat itself.

Blacky

Good morning hope everyone is doing well.

Seems I blew up a switch when I cut the wire, it is a 3-way that controls some track lighting. Well I hope it is a switch. So I'll be an electrician part of today.

MissPerfumado

Hey Jenses - so nice to hear from you. Yep, I get what you're saying about that trigger. I think I've had to admit that that particular "off" switch is not available to me now. Yes, I miss it, but I can never have it back. It costs way too much and I simply can't afford it. You've got way too much to lose too, which from your post you recognise. Stay strong - it really is nice to know you're all right. I was worried...

I'm wrecked again. I did get a last minute call - to a work dinner. So I went and made polite conversation and did my duty. Now it's time for bed. Good night all.

Steely

Morning everyone,

Have missed a few days of class as tied up with family matters. Sleepie Australia is an amazingly beautiful place and the spiders and snakes only go to add to its beauty and diversity. It is an island, a continent and a country floating in the Sth Pacific. The British did not know what they were doing when they sent us here as convicts little knowing that we were being sent to paradise. Still, be under no illusion that development, the cutting of trees, the driving of native species from their natural habitat, the just under the surface racism, the decline of social services in the pursuit of a surplus in treasury does not exist, because it's alive and well. It is a really beautiful country when you go to the right places sleepie and don't think that Bondi is a great beach. It's pretty crap really with lots of Yummy Mummies and six-pack prancing blokes. Down the South Coast up North would blow your mind in terms beaches and natural beauty. I love Australia it's sort of dorky but loveable. MissP you never do rave on. I thought I was the lady of the long post and then get embarrassed because I'm being tedious. Seems that in a work situation I can shoot off e-mails direct and to the point but here the purpose is deeper and I rave on, sorry. Wish you would cut your schedule back a bit, has it got anything to do with saying NO! I have that problem because don't want to let people down so agree to stuff that I really don't want to attend. Have you read the book "The Gifts of Imperfection"? Someone recommended it to me and I am going to get a copy. A bit like you with food sleepie only mine is cigarettes. Not quite ready yet. As for triggers Jenses I just refuse to act on the and am so grateful that I have that firmly implanted in my mind. Previously I would waiver but this time I don't give a rat's about what's going down, I just want pick up. And now I am writing War and Peace again (I wish) so will shut up and don't get arced blacky and watch out for splinters. Good luck on the job. It's nearly 2:30am can't sleep but must try. Goodnight all.

Steely

Thanks for looking up the gumnut babies sleepie. May Gibbs wrote children's stories with many being about the gum nut babies (Bib and Bub) and the evil Banksia men (another Australian native) and they were enchanting. Everytime I look at a flowering gumnut tree I can see Bib and Bub sitting in the flowers with a little nut on their heads for a cap. They are the best. The evil Banksia men never get them! Screw anxiety embrace sobriety.

sleepie

I have looked up May Gibbs, and her books. What beautiful illustrations. I am enchanted, that is the perfect word. Just enchanting. I love children's books so much, I used to have some older ones when I was younger, in particular "Black Beauty", which had some lovely illustrations. I used to sit and draw the horses, and copy the illustrations.

I was (and am still) interested in the inner l ives of animals. Talking animals, of course are only anthropomorphism but that's a practice many have engaged in right? From tribes to present day animators. Still to this day books, animations, comics, they all take me elsewhere and imaginary worlds, a place created by others for us to inhabit makes me feel so connected in a way nothing else does.

Or I'm just daffy, which is more likely.

I don't think your posts are tedious Steely, I love reading what others have to say and enjoy a long post. If you are able to on your device, just break it up a bit into more paragraphs and it makes it easier to read, is all

Thanks for the lovely description of Australia I am a big Germaine Greer fan... if that counts for anything. And I love your man David Gulpill and the films of Peter Weir. And now, May Gibbs!

sleepie

And how are you today Blacky? Did work go well?

Blacky

I got the light working, it was a dimmer switch across the room.
So I wound up that job and am onto another house. This one is 5 minutes away so that is good.

sleepie

Good to hear Blacky. I wonder if we will hear from our fellow December 2015'ers at the other ends of the world...

Steely

just got blood tests back from my doctor and he said I couldn't wish for a better result and he was very thorough. Yay! I think that emotional psychological pain (and the fact I wasn't eating) played out into my body and I felt really sick. Started eating good food, vitamins, protein powder Omega 3 and the improvement has been palpable. Hope it lasts.

MissPerfumado

Steely, I've been thinking long and hard about what you said there. There's a lot that goes into why I won't cut back on commitments, and it's too much to cover here in its uncensored glory. Part of it is that, you know, I've been a classic high-achiever since I was a teenager. I had - still have - a lot of privileges. I've been given a great hand in life and I just about screwed it up once. By some miracle, I've been given a second chance. I'd be so stupid to throw it away again.

So I want to be kicking goals, that's for sure. But even though I work hard, there's also a balance to my life I didn't use to have when I was just a hamster on the wheel trying to achieve for the sake of achieving. I make sure to exercise, because it keeps me emotionally balanced and happy, and I no longer dismiss the "soft stuff" at work - mentoring, training, charity and volunteering programmes and so on - because it gives me a sense of deeper purpose. And although I'm busy, as I have no kids or spouse, I have structured my life with plenty of "me" time - especially on weekends.

I don't fill my schedule with commitments to make other people happy - I do it to make myself happy. It's not about being the perfect daughter, sister, friend or employee to meet someone else's standards, it's about being the best I can be, for my own satisfaction.

There will still be times when I look at something in my calendar and groan but I think most times I still have to acknowledge that something positive came out of keeping the commitment.

Steely, I'm so happy that your medical results came back so positive. Maybe it's the same sort of thing. The same way you see yourself taking the right steps back to great health, I see myself taking the right steps back to a balanced and happy career.

Sleepie - how was that for rambling on and on?! I've still got it in me

Good night all. Thanks for reading that.