Hi Jenses
that is a lot of major change to handle. I am glad you are with us and hope you will remain strong in sobriety as it sounds like you are. You put it well about "unplugging". That is such an accurate description.
Years ago I frequented a zen temple. This man was speaking there, and saying that one's fears and troubles are always there, that another donut wouldn't fix it, a drink wouldn't fix it, sex wouldn't fix it- something akin to that. Or rather, "unplugging" would not fix it. It really stuck with me.
I have a crutch in food presently. I allow myself poor dietary choices in exchange for not drinking or easing my life with benzos. When I try and eat healthier and less, I feel my anxieties taking off because there is nothing to take my mind off things. And all my fears are there staring me in the face. They are reality based fears, not irrational or anything. I am not ready to handle it.
I try and think back to life before I drank. My anxiety was more free floating and less specific. I was just nervous nervous all the time. I wonder when could I have put the brakes on in my mind? Before all the wrong choices and bad relationships, dissatisfactions and eventually, drinking and addiction to benzos? It seems someone of my background and limitations had no other choice. I can't see how things would ever have been different. It's very vexing.
This isn't fixating on the past either, or being stuck in the past. It's not just run of the mill worrying I speak of. It's trying desperately to know what I could have done and where I could have changed a thing so that I'd have a more positive outcome. In fewer words, I'd rather history did not repeat itself.