Jenses

Hi all. Day 72. AV very strong lately. Husband was away for almost two weeks and now back. Realizing the low grade stress is where my AV hides. I love my husband but getting back into a routine is always hard - especially when sometimes it feels like someone is looking over my shoulder judging. Feeling pretty crappy but hoping it will pass.

Steely

I'm not really laughing Blacky benzo WD can be crap. I wanted to post a picture of my toy plastic electric/battery guitar but don't know how to attach photos from my iPad and my desktop is broken. My friend took a picture of me pretending to play it and I look like an old version of Angus Young. Don't forget I only weigh 39kgs and had board shorts on haha Hand crafted from a rare bohemian plastic tree cultivated in China. Just about to replace the batteries now.

Steely

Hurried to get ready for my doctors appointment arrived panting at reception only to be told it is for tomorrow. I thought today was tomorrow, my diary is so packed with appointments for family etc that I jumped the gun. At least I had the willingness. Feeling good today.

Blacky

I stopped the klonopin altogether 11 days ago so .. not going back now .. ha ha ..
Going to just tough it out now.

Well I need to get ready for work, see you all later.

Steely

Well done Blacky. I'm down to 2.5mgs Valium and ready to jump.

Blacky

I'm hanging in there. Concentration is a little off right now but I got some work done today.

Vinificent

Hey there class! Just checking in and figured I have been on this journey 49 days minus 4 lapse days (not together - all separate and got right back sober the next day). I have really learned alot from those 4 lapses - especially that I am one of those who cannot have just 1 drink. I also learned that I want to be sober for myself, just because I hate the way I feel when I am not. This realization is truly a gift, because I go to AA and see many who are being steered to sobriety by other people, legal situations, etc., although most of them seem to be happy with what they have found on the sober side of life.
Also wondering if any of you are starting to experience some all over body aches at this point?? The past few days have been quite painful physically and I am trying to push through it - keep moving, going swimming at the gym, etc...I am just not sure if it's my body dealing with lingering toxins or what. I am not asking for medical advice but I am curious if anyone else has experienced this?

Steely

Good morning all.
Scintillating news: I made my doctor's appointment yesterday and it looks like I'll live. I am having tests done and feel much better for having just made the appointment. My doctor is really good (intelligent, compassionate, bulk bills ha) talks like an Oxford Don but with no pretentions. He told me yesterday he likes me and I knew he was being genuine, and as an ex-drunk woman that felt good. He is my GP not my psychiatrist but does know that I have stopped drinking. He said to me yesterday that I now have the opportunity to be me and to really feel my feelings and that's it's OK to be sad sometimes. He is a really nice man and I didn't really approach him about the existential stuff, he volunteered. A Christian and me a Groucho Marxist. Funny old world. Was thinking on my way back about the big picture and how the big picture is comprised of smaller pictures and plans and how easily I procrastinate. The more I follow through on my plans the stronger I become. Hope everyone has a good day.

MissPerfumado

Hi Vini - I don't think I could contemplate permanent sobriety if I were being made to do it by an external situation. You hear things all the time like sobriety is an inside job, you have to want it for yourself etc. and it's so simple but true. Someone else described it as a "switch" that finally flips inside, and that resonates so much with me.

I sometimes get overall aches when I'm trying to do too much physically - the occasional day when the body just does not want to move out of bed. But not for more than a day, so I can't help much.

I'm getting used to be the "non-drinker". It has stopped coming up altogether with some groups of friends. Last night, I went out with friends and someone posted a photo on Facebook - I was the only one with a bottle of sparkling water in front of me

I have one friend/colleague who is the only person who ever comments negatively about it. I am now officially "boring" since I've stopped drinking, and "too calm". It's said in a tongue in cheek way so I laugh it off and it doesn't bother me. We went out for lunch last Monday and he ordered wine and a digestif. I don't judge because I would have joined him once but now I'd rather be boring.

Looking forward to the weekend. Take care all.

Steely

Forgot to say Vinni as so caught up in my own adventurous trip to the doctor that yes, I have and still do get aches and pains that weren't there before I stopped drinking. Maybe I'm just using my muscles more and am emerging from atrophy?haha. I wake up tired but I am now starting to see change and hope it continues in that direction. Feel good today. WOT!

martina12

Hi all I haven't posted in ages but I'm still here and still sober I am approaching 8 weeks on Sunday which is the longest stint that I can recall in a very long time

I seem to be on an energy rollercoaster...at the beginning of the week I was like a whirlwind tearing through my house on a mission to transform it into some sort of interior design show home.

This lasted around 3 days, then I ran out of money and energy and I am left with a DIY nightmare!

Oh well at least I am not drinking

Hope everyone is doing ok..

Blacky

Had a job interview today that went well.

Weather is supposed to be good for the weekend which will help
as I need to get under a deck that is muddy and wet. At 40 degrees the other day I was not feeling that so I put it off.

Have a good weekend everyone.

MissPerfumado

Steely, I think if you can find a GP you connect with, you should stick with that person for sure! Especially if he bulk bills! I used to look at GPs as just another service provider but they're much more than that. I went to a brand new doctor on Day 1 of my sober journey because a friend recommended the clinic (not the GP) and I lucked out. She was perfect. I don't know that my previous GP, lovely man that he is, could have been just the person I needed at that moment.

I've had an odd week. In some ways, a bit of a week of reflection. Randomly:

- I bought something special for myself last weekend when 2 months ticked over. It wasn't an impulse buy - I've eyed it for over 2 years. I didn't quite feel I deserved though. I thought about delaying until I had more sobriety under my belt but finally decided to buy it as both a reminder and a reward. I look at it all the time. It's a material thing but represents a lot to me.

- I was fortunate to have a client contact me with 2 exciting projects. I love working with her. She's been an amazing supporter but I have a lot of unresolved guilt over the effect drinking has had on my work including work I've done for her. We had terrible news in a project some time ago. It had a huge impact on many people and was the worst day of my career. What does that have to do with my drinking? Probably nothing but the guilt won't go away.

- My obsessive tendencies are becoming more pronounced. I exercise everyday. I make sure my flat is as neat as it was from my big clean 6 weeks ago. I know deep down I'm worried that a slip with exercise or organisation will lead to a slip with my sobriety.

These seem random but I feel they are connected. Fear of complacency is what they represent.

I'm afraid of celebrating past successes because I feel like that would be excusing my drinking. I'm afraid of forgiving past disasters for the same reason.

Does sobriety mean this feeling of guardedness will always remain? If that's the price, then I'm prepared to pay it, but is it necessary?

Steely

I lucked out with this bloke too MissP and am very grateful. I don't think it necessarily follows that a slip in one means all of the dominos will fall. Sounds like you are trying to keep everything in control and are afraid of the domino effect. It need not be so. Why would it be? I don't know anything for sure but have a belief that the guardedness will fade with longer term sobriety.

Dee74

I was guarded for a long time...but I really wanted to be sober and i felt it was fine to be that way.

.
It's...not disappeared... but softened a lot now tho.

I think I got to a point where I accepted it was in my power whether I drank again or not..
and eventually I just kinda trusted in myself again and knew that I'd make good choices from here on in...

I'm still vigilant but it's kinda like I wouldn't try and cross three lanes of traffic against the lights kinda vigilance - it's not onerous for me, it just makes good sense.

D

Steely

So many feelings and perceptions that go along with getting sober wish I had done it earlier, what. a waste of time. But when I look back I don't know that I could have changed anything without major intervention and I'm not necessarily talking alcohol. Full of fear and feelings of powerlessness. Thank goodness I got the no drink rule in its entirety so now have a base line and I really like it. Look out world haha. Hope everyone has a good day.

Blacky

Here is what I did today.

This is the exterior wall of a house that has a deck and balcony above that was not installed correctly. This allowed water to enter the wall above and over a few years rot out the framing all the way down.

A former 2 x 4 in the wall.



Inside the wall.



New framing.



This corner of the house goes up 2 stories.



Now that I have the wall a bit more solid I can rip out the damaged sheet rock
in the room without the window falling out.

Dee74

looks like you got there just in time Blacky...

D

Steely

Legend job Blacky. Hope you've got a good ladder if you work at height.

MissPerfumado

Thanks Dee, thanks Steely. I know my fears are not entirely rational but I guess they are there for some reason.

If I give voice to my deeper thoughts they go something like this: You are lucky you managed to quit drinking whilst you still have your health, job, reputation, relationships with family and friends, and finances pretty much intact. You did your best to screw up but guess what, you've been given a pass. So now you'd sure as heck better make sure that (1) you don't start drinking again and (2) you protect those things. Work extra hard if you have to. Put an extra lucky charm on them. Never ever take them for granted again! Life cut you a break this time - don't expect a second chance.

Is that rational ... or not? If it keeps me sober, I'll accept it.

Nice work, Blacky. I like that you post photos.

Steely - I also don't know that I could have seriously attempted sobriety much earlier in my life. It would have been nice if I did, but a lot of internal pieces of the puzzle just weren't there.

Well, not much on today for me. There's the Miss Perfectionisto list of things to tick off I have a little bit of work to do at the office. Some house chores - old stuff I meant to donate finally making it out the door. A short run. Then call my Dad since I called Mum yesterday (OK - calling my folks should not be a chore but it's on the list).

Have a great weekend everyone.