Conquest

(((Venus)))

phoebe64

Ugh, FAD, I hope you found a way to recover your work! Dd had something happen with a paper, and was able to back up to where she could recover some, or most of it. But your task was likely much more complex.

Venus, you are in my thoughts. This is a tough time.

Easy week, just getting ready for vacation, and the usual mommy/household stuff. Walked twice yesterday. It was a great day, weather-wise.

Briar

Morning guys, V I'm so sorry you're going through this hard time. My thoughts are with you and your family. The good thing is that you are experiencing these feelings now rather than delaying them with chemicals.

I've got no real plans today aside from my aftercare program tonight. We don't have our usual support group tonight, for which in grateful because I've been in such a foul mood lately that I keep making an ass of myself. Im really pulling away from the program and isolating myself from the other people. I can't bear to sit there and listen to all their problems. Im about to return to work where I'll have to talk to emotional crime victims who are all fired up and sometimes abusive. They take it out on me because they believe I stand between them and their money, which isn't the case, but they don't understand the complexity of the system. I realized that's why I'm hiding from people, I'm working on putting up the wall I'll need.

Realizing that does nothing to motivate me to ease up on the wall. I'll need it. I'll probably need booze too, that's just how it is. I'm shifting into survival mode. I'm getting very defensive, which means I'm no angel in support groups. I realize I'm not prepared to cope with work properly, but I don't know whether my doctor is going to release me from disability. I'm trying to prepare in case he does, but obviously it's causing me all manner of dysfunction. I'm doing everything I'm told, which is basically to attend the program, meetings, and therapy, and to be open and honest about what's going on. It's just a very confusing time right now. Hopefully I'll get to a better spot by Monday.

Otherwise I'm doing all right. Today I am helping a friend of mine design promotional pens for his business. That should be fun. I also really need to clean the house, hopefully I can work up the motivation. I'm not real optimistic though.

I hope everyone has s good day.

Arbor

I dunno Briar. This doesn't sound very optimistic to me. Are you sure you should be going back to work? What happened to the idea of leaving your job?

Dee74

This is probably the singlemost important reason why you need to listen to other people right now Briar.

I get the rage and the frustration and the impatience, but going back to the place where you were, drinking, stressed out and self destructing is not a step forward...yeah?

D

Mark1014

Hey Briar, you've sounded really good to me recently. Today's post seems a bit of a turn. I guess it can be easy to misinterpret an individual's situation based solely on what we see here but it seems that you're equating back to work with back to alcohol. As if it's almost a decision made. Does it feel that way to you?

phoebe64

Briar, you have worked so hard to be where you are now. I hope you keep moving forward.

Mark1014

V, I hope you and your family are doing ok and can celebrate the life of your aunt and find peace in the sadness. Take care of yourself.

venuscat

Thanks from and all of you, but I am not OK.

My aunt and I were very close. We talked every day. She knew me better than anyone else on the planet. Up until just a few weeks ago she was the sharpest 89 year old you could ever meet. Now that I have looked after dad, and helped my cousin, I am fully sitting with this grief. I am in a great deal of emotional pain.

I feel lost right now.

Dee74

I'm sorry fro your pain V. Be gentle on yourself. Remember the good times and try and take a little solace in the fact your aunt's pain has ceased.



F

Briar

I feel backed into a corner having to go back to work sober. Plus 3 hours of treatment per night, plus meetings, plus all my domestic responsibilities, plus raise my kid. Sober? Seriously?

I'm just going through all these thoughts and emotions and blinding panic. I don't know which will stick. Processing it I guess. It's how I feel right now. Terribly conflicted.

My job, horrendous as it is, is a huge part of my identity. I have deeply personal and powerful reasons for working with crime victims. It's really hard to give up what feels like my purpose. Redefining it to match my recovery is a huge undertaking, and one that I am not convinced is possible. I want both my job and my recovery, but I'm not sure I can have both. Whichever one I give up is going to hurt like hell. But yes, I realize I can't fight for justice if I'm dead.

This sucks so bad.

Anyway, I had a good day. I helped my friend design his pens, which required crafting a clever slogan. I think we nailed it, but I'll see what he ultimately chooses. His pens are a big deal for his business, they are part of his kinda weird but wildly successful marketing shtick, so it's an honor to be asked to help with them.

Weather is nice but very windy.

With the drought and mandated water restrictions, the Briar household has accepted the 3 minute shower challenge, which is going much better than I expected. I did yesterday's in 2 minutes 30 seconds, and believe it or not I smell all right!

Much love to all.

Briar

I'm so sorry V. You're doing the right thing by experiencing the grief and taking care of yourself. I'm sure she would be proud of you.

Briar

Ok I think I fixed my post. Stupid phone...

Conquest

I wish I could be there with you, Venus. Your aunt sounds like an amazing woman. What a special relationship. Lots of love your way

Briar, i hope you're able to take some more time away from work. The stress there seems super hard to handle. Wishing you continued success. You've worked so hard this far.

Tonight is my first night at home alone at Cowboy's house...feels kinda odd but more and more like home...I'll still have my apartment for at least the next 6 months. I put a call into my therapist from nearly twenty years ago. He's still practicing so YAY? I figure a "tune-up" might be in order before making too many major decisions... I'll keep yall posted as always.

Gnight folks! Keep keepin at it. It's totally worth it.

Briar

Smart idea on the tune up Conquest. It helps to check in with someone from time to time.

This from someone who's more the extensive, ongoing maintenance type.

Sounds like you've got some exciting stuff going on.

Dee74

I was 'retired' at 30 due to health issues from one career, and lost my other career, music, through drink.

My work was my purpose too.

Not having it sent me into a decade of the most self destructive drinking ever, which then decimated my other career.

Lucky me.

Then I stopped drinking and two amazing things happened.

I found a new purpose here at SR and, later, I got my music career back.

I guess my point is....there are no absolutes anywhere Briar.

You can find another purpose or you can find a way to fulfil your current purpose sober.

The one thing I wouldn't do is put anything ahead of your recovery - because that will eventually put everything you love and value at risk.

D

Briar

I know, you guys, I just feel so trapped. Such huge changes, I am drawn to the familiar. Somehow it seems safe when it so obviously is not.

venuscat

Exactly, it feels safe but it is not...

Remember what you told us just a few days ago Briar. That man from your AA group died. And a friend of ours from here (who I was friends with in person) who was only 42 died recently. She couldn't stop drinking Briar, and her body gave out. Our organs are more and more compromised when we continue to drink.

To lose so much, and then find so much fulfilment and joy like Dee has? That is powerful. That is something to hold on to.

I think all of those hours of work, and rehab classes, and meetings, and being a mum, and looking after the household stuff is a lot. It sounds hard. I'm not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed. But the part of your brain that is telling you the only way to cope with this is by drinking is wrong Briar. You won't be able to cope, and you will be back where you were a short time ago. Back in a place where you wanted to just walk out the gate and not come back. Gosh I was scared that night love.

I love you; we all do. Moving forward sober will give you the best chance of having a good life, and a wonderful career.

Dang, my entire train of thought was interrupted by a phonecall about my auntie's funeral, so I'm not sure what else I wanted to say.

venuscat

When I am very upset, I lose the ability to think clearly, and words that I usually know become lost to me. I am struggling to even make sense today. So I hope that my post made sense.

Conquest honey, I missed that you were moving in with your man. Wow, that is wonderful news for you. And I think it is wise that you still have your apartment for a while. And wise that you are planning on seeing your old therapist for a tune-up.

Gosh my heart hurts...as awful as this might sound, I was way closer to my Auntie Dorothy than I am to my dad. We were soul mates. We got each other. I miss her so much.

Dee74

V

D