Class of December 2014 Part 2
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
I'm sorry, I have to write this out. Right now.
My hands are shaking.
My mother and her guy have just left, she screaming, calling me every dirty word in the book. Of course they're so drunk it's ridiculous. It's cold outside, their walking, she's not a young woman. (I'm in my early 40's, to give an idea of it) I feel such black guilt, as always, without even doing anything wrong.
I hate this. I grew up like this. To have this again happen makes me so sick that my stomach is close to retching. It hurts, it's infuriating, it's helpless despair. I despise alcohol.
How the hell did I grow up and become a drinker? The sickest part, is that at my worst in my drunken insanity, I verbally abused my significant other. I am still having to face that, live up to it, be honest and admit what I have done, and to prove to him through my actions that this will NEVER happen again. That's the worst, because I know what it's like first hand to have a drunk that you love do these things, hurt you that way. How could I have done such things? It makes me grieve, the way I've been. Tonight has made me remember how very horrible it is from the other side. It hurts, but I am grateful for the lesson, crappy and insane as it is.
Stay strong, class. Don't forget those lessons learned. The idea of repeating my past actions makes me ill, mentally, physically, spiritually. I must NEVER drink again. I will not. Never. Screw that addictive voice. Screw alcohol. I despise the weak, cowardly, pathetic, selfish, lazy, raging, mean, narcissistic creature it turns me into. Never again.
I had a choice, to rant and write it out, or explode internally.
I'm DONE self imploding. So I ranted here!
Hope you don't mind. I already feel about a million times better typing that out. Thank God I found these forums.
You all rock by the way, and welcome to the new faces!
I think I better go lay down now and try to sleep before I give myself an aneurysm.
My hands are shaking.
My mother and her guy have just left, she screaming, calling me every dirty word in the book. Of course they're so drunk it's ridiculous. It's cold outside, their walking, she's not a young woman. (I'm in my early 40's, to give an idea of it) I feel such black guilt, as always, without even doing anything wrong.
I hate this. I grew up like this. To have this again happen makes me so sick that my stomach is close to retching. It hurts, it's infuriating, it's helpless despair. I despise alcohol.
How the hell did I grow up and become a drinker? The sickest part, is that at my worst in my drunken insanity, I verbally abused my significant other. I am still having to face that, live up to it, be honest and admit what I have done, and to prove to him through my actions that this will NEVER happen again. That's the worst, because I know what it's like first hand to have a drunk that you love do these things, hurt you that way. How could I have done such things? It makes me grieve, the way I've been. Tonight has made me remember how very horrible it is from the other side. It hurts, but I am grateful for the lesson, crappy and insane as it is.
Stay strong, class. Don't forget those lessons learned. The idea of repeating my past actions makes me ill, mentally, physically, spiritually. I must NEVER drink again. I will not. Never. Screw that addictive voice. Screw alcohol. I despise the weak, cowardly, pathetic, selfish, lazy, raging, mean, narcissistic creature it turns me into. Never again.
I had a choice, to rant and write it out, or explode internally.
I'm DONE self imploding. So I ranted here!
Hope you don't mind. I already feel about a million times better typing that out. Thank God I found these forums.
You all rock by the way, and welcome to the new faces!
I think I better go lay down now and try to sleep before I give myself an aneurysm.
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Don't ever be sorry, rant away.
I'm sorry to hear you're in that toxic environment, though. I often wonder if all of us here come from environments such as that.
I'm glad you're here with us Rose. Good night and stay safe.
I'm sorry to hear you're in that toxic environment, though. I often wonder if all of us here come from environments such as that.
I'm glad you're here with us Rose. Good night and stay safe.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
((hugs)) OmoRose - I'm glad you posted & sorry that that happened tonight...yes, a good reminder for us all, how drinking affects those we love & care for the most.
Hope tomorrow is a better day Ishallnot & Brynn.....I'm with Tonk - let those tears come & be easy on yourself...this is tough, but better than the alternative.
Tonks
[QUOTENot saying to start smashing lamps and drawing on the walls or anything (but if you do, please get it on youtube and I want that link)][/QUOTE]
Great going on 5 days Iwant & really glad you are here with us
Exhausted......busy work week & going to the gym in the evenings, which feels great...that & some hot soaks with meditation music before bed is making for some pretty good sleep the last couple of night....one of the things I'm most grateful for when I don't drink....real sleep. Night all
Hope tomorrow is a better day Ishallnot & Brynn.....I'm with Tonk - let those tears come & be easy on yourself...this is tough, but better than the alternative.
Tonks
[QUOTENot saying to start smashing lamps and drawing on the walls or anything (but if you do, please get it on youtube and I want that link)][/QUOTE]Great going on 5 days Iwant & really glad you are here with us
Exhausted......busy work week & going to the gym in the evenings, which feels great...that & some hot soaks with meditation music before bed is making for some pretty good sleep the last couple of night....one of the things I'm most grateful for when I don't drink....real sleep. Night all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Igloo, Canada
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by OmoRose 
I'm sorry, I have to write this out. Right now.
My hands are shaking.
My mother and her guy have just left, she screaming, calling me every dirty word in the book. Of course they're so drunk it's ridiculous. It's cold outside, their walking, she's not a young woman. (I'm in my early 40's, to give an idea of it) I feel such black guilt, as always, without even doing anything wrong.
I hate this. I grew up like this. To have this again happen makes me so sick that my stomach is close to retching. It hurts, it's infuriating, it's helpless despair. I despise alcohol.
How the hell did I grow up and become a drinker? The sickest part, is that at my worst in my drunken insanity, I verbally abused my significant other. I am still having to face that, live up to it, be honest and admit what I have done, and to prove to him through my actions that this will NEVER happen again. That's the worst, because I know what it's like first hand to have a drunk that you love do these things, hurt you that way. How could I have done such things? It makes me grieve, the way I've been. Tonight has made me remember how very horrible it is from the other side. It hurts, but I am grateful for the lesson, crappy and insane as it is.
Stay strong, class. Don't forget those lessons learned. The idea of repeating my past actions makes me ill, mentally, physically, spiritually. I must NEVER drink again. I will not. Never. Screw that addictive voice. Screw alcohol. I despise the weak, cowardly, pathetic, selfish, lazy, raging, mean, narcissistic creature it turns me into. Never again.
I had a choice, to rant and write it out, or explode internally.
I'm DONE self imploding. So I ranted here!
Hope you don't mind. I already feel about a million times better typing that out. Thank God I found these forums.
You all rock by the way, and welcome to the new faces!
I think I better go lay down now and try to sleep before I give myself an aneurysm.
My hands are shaking.
My mother and her guy have just left, she screaming, calling me every dirty word in the book. Of course they're so drunk it's ridiculous. It's cold outside, their walking, she's not a young woman. (I'm in my early 40's, to give an idea of it) I feel such black guilt, as always, without even doing anything wrong.
I hate this. I grew up like this. To have this again happen makes me so sick that my stomach is close to retching. It hurts, it's infuriating, it's helpless despair. I despise alcohol.
How the hell did I grow up and become a drinker? The sickest part, is that at my worst in my drunken insanity, I verbally abused my significant other. I am still having to face that, live up to it, be honest and admit what I have done, and to prove to him through my actions that this will NEVER happen again. That's the worst, because I know what it's like first hand to have a drunk that you love do these things, hurt you that way. How could I have done such things? It makes me grieve, the way I've been. Tonight has made me remember how very horrible it is from the other side. It hurts, but I am grateful for the lesson, crappy and insane as it is.
Stay strong, class. Don't forget those lessons learned. The idea of repeating my past actions makes me ill, mentally, physically, spiritually. I must NEVER drink again. I will not. Never. Screw that addictive voice. Screw alcohol. I despise the weak, cowardly, pathetic, selfish, lazy, raging, mean, narcissistic creature it turns me into. Never again.
I had a choice, to rant and write it out, or explode internally.
I'm DONE self imploding. So I ranted here!
Hope you don't mind. I already feel about a million times better typing that out. Thank God I found these forums.
You all rock by the way, and welcome to the new faces!
I think I better go lay down now and try to sleep before I give myself an aneurysm.
You got this!!! Or rather we got this!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Centry fl
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by OmoRose
I'm sorry, I have to write this out. Right now.
My hands are shaking.
My mother and her guy have just left, she screaming, calling me every dirty word in the book. Of course they're so drunk it's ridiculous. It's cold outside, their walking, she's not a young woman. (I'm in my early 40's, to give an idea of it) I feel such black guilt, as always, without even doing anything wrong.
I hate this. I grew up like this. To have this again happen makes me so sick that my stomach is close to retching. It hurts, it's infuriating, it's helpless despair. I despise alcohol.
How the hell did I grow up and become a drinker? The sickest part, is that at my worst in my drunken insanity, I verbally abused my significant other. I am still having to face that, live up to it, be honest and admit what I have done, and to prove to him through my actions that this will NEVER happen again. That's the worst, because I know what it's like first hand to have a drunk that you love do these things, hurt you that way. How could I have done such things? It makes me grieve, the way I've been. Tonight has made me remember how very horrible it is from the other side. It hurts, but I am grateful for the lesson, crappy and insane as it is.
Stay strong, class. Don't forget those lessons learned. The idea of repeating my past actions makes me ill, mentally, physically, spiritually. I must NEVER drink again. I will not. Never. Screw that addictive voice. Screw alcohol. I despise the weak, cowardly, pathetic, selfish, lazy, raging, mean, narcissistic creature it turns me into. Never again.
I had a choice, to rant and write it out, or explode internally.
I'm DONE self imploding. So I ranted here!
Hope you don't mind. I already feel about a million times better typing that out. Thank God I found these forums.
You all rock by the way, and welcome to the new faces!
I think I better go lay down now and try to sleep before I give myself an aneurysm.
My hands are shaking.
My mother and her guy have just left, she screaming, calling me every dirty word in the book. Of course they're so drunk it's ridiculous. It's cold outside, their walking, she's not a young woman. (I'm in my early 40's, to give an idea of it) I feel such black guilt, as always, without even doing anything wrong.
I hate this. I grew up like this. To have this again happen makes me so sick that my stomach is close to retching. It hurts, it's infuriating, it's helpless despair. I despise alcohol.
How the hell did I grow up and become a drinker? The sickest part, is that at my worst in my drunken insanity, I verbally abused my significant other. I am still having to face that, live up to it, be honest and admit what I have done, and to prove to him through my actions that this will NEVER happen again. That's the worst, because I know what it's like first hand to have a drunk that you love do these things, hurt you that way. How could I have done such things? It makes me grieve, the way I've been. Tonight has made me remember how very horrible it is from the other side. It hurts, but I am grateful for the lesson, crappy and insane as it is.
Stay strong, class. Don't forget those lessons learned. The idea of repeating my past actions makes me ill, mentally, physically, spiritually. I must NEVER drink again. I will not. Never. Screw that addictive voice. Screw alcohol. I despise the weak, cowardly, pathetic, selfish, lazy, raging, mean, narcissistic creature it turns me into. Never again.
I had a choice, to rant and write it out, or explode internally.
I'm DONE self imploding. So I ranted here!
Hope you don't mind. I already feel about a million times better typing that out. Thank God I found these forums.
You all rock by the way, and welcome to the new faces!
I think I better go lay down now and try to sleep before I give myself an aneurysm.
Well all day 21 for me , I am feeling wonderful. Every one have a beautiful sober Friday. We have the best class ever. Thanks to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
Great job on the days blueeyes, denise and classy. And welcome Casey.. Many of us here have been down this road before too. It all starts with day one.
Omorose- I am so sorry you went through that with your mom. I can relate to that experience as well with a few people in my life unfortunately. As hard as it is, you can use (and it sounds like you already are) to make to stronger.. To keep you from drinking and from doing that to people you love. It's so hard when they've hurt you so much with their words and they don't even remember. I know all too well. You sound strong, stay that way, we are here for you. Hugs
Day 5 for me. At bedtime and in the mornings I am a pillar of strength and sobriety. I wouldn't touch alcohol for anything, it's the furthest thing from my mind-- I love how I feel without it and wouldn't dream of ruining it for a dumb drink. But oh how all of that changes by around 2pm and my AV starts conniving me with lies of how I deserve it and a few won't hurt me and I'll just start again tomorrow.
I'm just going to say it even though at 6am it's not remotely appealing.. Tonight's gonna be hard. I will be stressed and it's the beginning of a two week vacation. But I CANT. Not just for the usual reasons but also I know if I drink tonight AT ALL.. It just feeds my addiction and tomorrow I will be right back at it. Then, without the structure and routine of work or school, it will just continue, probably until NYE , when I decide to recommit AGAIN. No. I don't want to be a sneaky drinker all week taking sips of wine in my bedroom so my girls don't see, passing out in the couch, and hating myself every morning. It's Christmas.. I want to be here and present for them and for me.
Bottom line.. If I drink today I might as well say goodbye to any chance of sobriety for over a week. I can't let that happen.. Again.
Love and strength to all of you.. The only way we can begin to reduce this struggle is to not drink and build our sober time. No drinking today or tonight.
Omorose- I am so sorry you went through that with your mom. I can relate to that experience as well with a few people in my life unfortunately. As hard as it is, you can use (and it sounds like you already are) to make to stronger.. To keep you from drinking and from doing that to people you love. It's so hard when they've hurt you so much with their words and they don't even remember. I know all too well. You sound strong, stay that way, we are here for you. Hugs
Day 5 for me. At bedtime and in the mornings I am a pillar of strength and sobriety. I wouldn't touch alcohol for anything, it's the furthest thing from my mind-- I love how I feel without it and wouldn't dream of ruining it for a dumb drink. But oh how all of that changes by around 2pm and my AV starts conniving me with lies of how I deserve it and a few won't hurt me and I'll just start again tomorrow.
I'm just going to say it even though at 6am it's not remotely appealing.. Tonight's gonna be hard. I will be stressed and it's the beginning of a two week vacation. But I CANT. Not just for the usual reasons but also I know if I drink tonight AT ALL.. It just feeds my addiction and tomorrow I will be right back at it. Then, without the structure and routine of work or school, it will just continue, probably until NYE , when I decide to recommit AGAIN. No. I don't want to be a sneaky drinker all week taking sips of wine in my bedroom so my girls don't see, passing out in the couch, and hating myself every morning. It's Christmas.. I want to be here and present for them and for me.
Bottom line.. If I drink today I might as well say goodbye to any chance of sobriety for over a week. I can't let that happen.. Again.
Love and strength to all of you.. The only way we can begin to reduce this struggle is to not drink and build our sober time. No drinking today or tonight.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Sorry for your struggles OmaRose.
I am also dealing with stress at work, and a stressful family situation too (gotta love the holidays and the anxiety that can bring!)
One day at a time, I will get through this in sobriety!
Happy Friday all!
I am also dealing with stress at work, and a stressful family situation too (gotta love the holidays and the anxiety that can bring!)
One day at a time, I will get through this in sobriety!
Happy Friday all!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: southeastern USA
Posts: 310
FABL, I have the same pattern--no problems at bedtime or awakening in the morning, but those afternoons/evenings can get intense. My AV tells me that I deserve to relax and have a drink after work.
What helped me yesterday was to see my AV as a spoiled child trying to manipulate Mom (me) to give it what it wants. I dealt with AV the same as I would with a bratty child "I know you want a drink but you're not getting one from me. Go ahead and have your tantrum but I'm busy doing life and I don't have time to waste arguing with you. No means no!"
Must have worked--it stopped trying to get me to give it a drink
What helped me yesterday was to see my AV as a spoiled child trying to manipulate Mom (me) to give it what it wants. I dealt with AV the same as I would with a bratty child "I know you want a drink but you're not getting one from me. Go ahead and have your tantrum but I'm busy doing life and I don't have time to waste arguing with you. No means no!"
Must have worked--it stopped trying to get me to give it a drink
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 55
I just want to say thanks for everyone's bravery. It provides me with strength and courage everyday. It helps me so much being a woman and seeing that I am not the only one who used to abused alcohol in their lives. I feel that there was so much more shame and judgement placed upon me for getting drunk and stupid as society seems to accept it more from men than women.
I know this battle is hard for everyone and truly feel that together we can do it!!!!
I know this battle is hard for everyone and truly feel that together we can do it!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TheSouth
Posts: 21
Day 6 for me...
Tough evening last night after speaking with wife, she is deeply hurt. I think I just need to allow time to heal. I cannot undo the past but only control the present day 1 day at a time.
Did watch Christmas Vacation to relax, still laughed and enjoyed it. Had my first drinking dream last night. In my dream, I caved to the offering of one of my favorite beers, but then put it down and walked away after 3-4 sips. I was angry that I caved...but proud that I walked away.
Today is Friday and "normally" my time to start drinking in the afternoon...I am planning each day/evening this weekend to keep busy and get some things accomplished.
Once again, a beautiful day outside and the coffee is really good this morning. Let's do this!!!
Tough evening last night after speaking with wife, she is deeply hurt. I think I just need to allow time to heal. I cannot undo the past but only control the present day 1 day at a time.
Did watch Christmas Vacation to relax, still laughed and enjoyed it. Had my first drinking dream last night. In my dream, I caved to the offering of one of my favorite beers, but then put it down and walked away after 3-4 sips. I was angry that I caved...but proud that I walked away.
Today is Friday and "normally" my time to start drinking in the afternoon...I am planning each day/evening this weekend to keep busy and get some things accomplished.
Once again, a beautiful day outside and the coffee is really good this morning. Let's do this!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
Originally Posted by Time4Change42
Day 6 for me... Tough evening last night after speaking with wife, she is deeply hurt. I think I just need to allow time to heal. I cannot undo the past but only control the present day 1 day at a time. Did watch Christmas Vacation to relax, still laughed and enjoyed it. Had my first drinking dream last night. In my dream, I caved to the offering of one of my favorite beers, but then put it down and walked away after 3-4 sips. I was angry that I caved...but proud that I walked away. Today is Friday and "normally" my time to start drinking in the afternoon...I am planning each day/evening this weekend to keep busy and get some things accomplished. Once again, a beautiful day outside and the coffee is really good this morning. Let's do this!!!
You mention the coffee being good- coffee has never been so good for me. It seems like after drinking, coffee never really did the trick like it does when drinking it sober.
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Hello Classmates!
So glad to see everyone chugging forward so strong making amazing progress. I'm at day 17 my self and while it's getting easier, I'm a little worried about new year's eve. Staying with family and while they rarely drink these days, new years eve they always get pretty hammered. I won't drink, but just the thought of being around it causes a little anxiety you know?
Anyways just wanted to vent a little. Congratulations everyone for making the choice to be here. And thank you.... We draw on each others strength when we have to.
So glad to see everyone chugging forward so strong making amazing progress. I'm at day 17 my self and while it's getting easier, I'm a little worried about new year's eve. Staying with family and while they rarely drink these days, new years eve they always get pretty hammered. I won't drink, but just the thought of being around it causes a little anxiety you know?
Anyways just wanted to vent a little. Congratulations everyone for making the choice to be here. And thank you.... We draw on each others strength when we have to.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Good morning y'all! Two weeks today and I hope I never take waking up sober for granted!
Hugs to everyone who needs them this morning.
Those of us that grew up in alcoholic homes cringe when we hear what you went through last night, omorose. Good for you for posting instead of imploding or drinking!!
Congrats to everyone ticking off the sober days and seeing them pile up!
Hope everyone has a great and sober Friday!
Hugs to everyone who needs them this morning.
Those of us that grew up in alcoholic homes cringe when we hear what you went through last night, omorose. Good for you for posting instead of imploding or drinking!!
Congrats to everyone ticking off the sober days and seeing them pile up!
Hope everyone has a great and sober Friday!
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