gleefan

Aww, Gazza, what a nice compliment - it totally shows me your warmth and appreciation - thank you!!

SayAnything

I'm so sorry GF. That sounds tough. We are in upheaval at my workplace (hospital.) they are "restructuring." I'm lucky that I'm not dependent on it since my husband works, but I feel bad for the people whose livelihood depends on it and they won't know if they still have a job until August. Some of them are taking it as a push to get out there and pursue other careers and desires.

I hope you are able to find something that fits in your life and makes you happy. You've got a good start with maintaining your sobriety and staying focused, though I know it's hard.

jenny11785

Sorry GF. We all seem to be going through some upheavals at this point don't we?

I stayed sober this weekend!!

SoberLeigh

Glee - my heart sank when I read your post last night (tried to write a reply but there was some sort of a server issue and the site froze for an hour or so). You are so wise to guard your professional relationships in your reactions to this disappointment. So very proud of you, glee. I hope something even better for you waits just around the corner.

Hey SA, nice to hear from you.

LS, it's great to hear glad that the job and your training are going so well.

Gazza, keep hanging strong in the relationship issue.

DI, thinking of you and your aunt's family.

Have a great day, Febbies.

Jenny, way to rock the weekend.

gleefan

Hi Febbies

How's everyone doing? I had a nice, busy weekend with my family, hubby too. He and I are on profoundly different paths now that I'm in recovery. Monday night while I was at AA getting my 4 month chip, he was at home, getting loaded. I'm not angry or sad, instead I made my own happiness by choosing to leave him alone in the family room while I called a friend.

I have felt like I needed to slowed my growth down in many areas, for many years, in order to meet him at his level. The momentum of my recovery is making my marriage feel uncomfortable. I'm learning to live with the friction that comes from doing what's right for me.

He complains that he feels upset that our relationship is growing distant. He knows that his failure at moderating or stopping drinking altogether makes me feel lonely. Then he drinks. What does he expect?!?

Dee74

I think early recovery is rough on both parties in a relationship GF. It's a time of quick. often bewildering change for the partner not in recovery.

I do have faith in relationships tho - if yours is a good one, I hope Mr GF will rise to the challenge (maybe with a little grumbling at firstl)

D
D

DiggingIn

Checking in. The funeral was today, so thankfully all of that is behind us. It's been really good to be with my giant crazy family. There has been a fair amount of continued stress, but nothing like that first night.

I'm ready to get back in the loop here. It feels like I've been gone forever. I guess between the cruise and this it has been a couple of weeks!

SoberLife2014

Hi everyone! Just checking in real quick. I know I haven't posted in forever. I've been pretty busy lately. Was out of town last week for my SIL's wedding which I was a bridesmaid in. The whole even was fueled by booze from mimosas while getting our hair done to a bottle of champagne while getting dressed to wine and beer left and right during the event. I'm proud to say that I made it through the whole event without having ANY alcohol, including the champagne toast where I requested ginger ale instead of champagne. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't a blast either. I was tired, I hadn't eaten all day, and after this huge ordeal of getting ready for the wedding, getting 1000 pictures taken, and dealing with bridezilla my husband hands me my crying baby and heads for the hills. I wondered from time to time if I would have more fun if I could have a glass of wine or two and just relax but I convinced myself that the wine would only lead to potential drama with my husband, a headache, a hangover, and inevitable guilt. Plus, every time I saw someone drunk I thought about how crappy they were going to feel in the morning and I'd wake up feeling refreshed.

Other than that I applied for a very part time job at my old hospital this past weekend. It causes me a lot of anxiety, but I'm learning how to work through that without alcohol. I have a history of having a lot of anxiety related to my career and in the past I have used it as a major excuse to drink. I decided that I don't want to give up my career yet and I feel like I'm at a point where I'll have to decide if I'll work part time to keep up my nursing license or let it go for another couple of years due to some personal stuff at home. So, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and pursue my career again with confidence.

Anyway, I hope all of you are well. Take care Febbies

jenny11785

GF and DI- sorry you both are having upheavals. I guess sober we figure out whi we really are. I am glad the family stuff calmed down for you and the family got peace in putting her to rest.

LonelyShadow

Hi all!

Well done Lulu for getting through the wedding sober

Gleefan I'm sure the changes you've made will become more comfortable in the relationship soon Any major change needs an adjustment period and it may still just be settling down, it certainly does feel like friction when you put energy into making these changes but it's so worth it. Eventually the friction will get less

DiggingIn you'll always be in the 'loop' as far as I'm concerned. You're in my thoughts.

I had to have ANOTHER chat with my Dad about alcohol this morning, once again he's been drinking outside of his 'rules' and I had to remind him. He was grateful i'd reminded him, superficially, but I can tell he doesn't really plan on stopping ever. Infuriating really, this last four months has been incredibly difficult for me, it would of been nice to have a little support from him, but instead I'VE been the one supporting HIM over and over. I will be able to let it go sooner or later, at the very least I'm glad I have the strength to openly tell him how I feel. If I was drinking I would just drink away the confusion and frustration.

Hope everyone is well out there,
Sending strength your way

casinva

Hi Febbies! I have to give you guys credit that live with other drinkers. When I stopped drinking my husband stopped along with me. It wasn't a big deal for him because he wasn't a big drinker, per se. THAT SAID, it's been interesting navigating the marriage waters the last few months sober. I didn't start drinking heavily until around the 18th year of our marriage so we had a lot of "sober time" prior to then. So we know how to live together sober. It's just that we've had to learn how to communicate again in a real way. You know, like sober people do. It's not always easy for me because for 10 plus years I had gotten so used to just pouring another glass of wine instead of discussing what may have been bothering me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a harp but it's important that I learn to express my feelings rather than keep them bottled up inside. At least I'm not biting his head off anymore, so that's progress, lol.

LuLu, I know what you mean by wondering sometimes if you'd have more fun if you had that glass or two. I think about that from time to time. But then I have to remember it's never, ever been just a glass or two for me, ha ha! I bet you felt great the next morning! Those are the feelings that power us through this!

gleefan

LS - Sorry that your dad's drinking continues to add such a great deal of stress to your life. It's hard when someone prioritizes alcohol over their relationships.

Casinva - I can relate to drinking one more glass of wine to cover my disappointments, frustrations, and other difficult feelings in my marriage. I've been a fountain of honesty lately, instead, and now I know why I chose to bury it all those years. I'm not advocating burying it by any means, just saying that I understand my motive.

Raising two children is difficult, but raising two with behavioral and social deficits is profoundly difficult. I think that adding my painful feelings about my relationship into the mix when the boys were little would have taken down an already off-kilter ship, so I stuffed them away. Peeling away the problems caused by my alcohol abuse has revealed the stuff I wanted to ignore - a passionless marriage built on a mutual fear of intimacy, with a partner who settled for me, and who I settled for, while giving up on the work and career that interested me, the lifestyle that invigorated me, and the activities that inspired me .... There's no running away from reality anymore, but I don't know what to do with it.

SoberLife2014

Casinva - I also understand what you mean about drinking instead of discussing what was bothering me. Or worse, drinking to get courage to discuss what was bothering me which would lead to a fight and MORE drinking. Glee, I also understand drinking to cover up some unhappiness/ disappointment in my marriage. I actually met my husband right when I started my alcoholism. So, he has only seen me in action for about a year without being in the throws of alcoholism. I think he's finding now that I'm much more of a "type A" personality which can clash with his extremely type A personality. I also find myself having to deal with issues I have about our relationship without the crutch of alcohol and sometimes I feel like I have to walk on some eggshells. In some ways our marriage has gotten better and in some ways it has gotten harder. There are even some days that I questions whether or not I should be with this man to be completely honest. I don't think there's any rule that says once you're in sobriety you have to fix everything all at once though.

gleefan

Lulu - thank you for your honesty! I've been extremely burdened by my feelings and it's a good reminder that I'm not the only one.

SoberLeigh

Ain't nobody "settles" for Glee; Glee's first prize.

gleefan

Leigh - that's sweet. I appreciate it!

I realize that I haven't accepted my shortcomings and quirks over the years, either. I've spent years hating all the quirky and real parts of myself, stuffing it away. He'd say he respects me, but he doesn't reflect that onto me. He doesn't project warmth, love, or affection. And I don't onto him. Being physically safe is good, but in recovery it doesn't feel like enough. I'm craving the emotional spark, warmth, love and affection.

SoberLeigh

I do understand. Was that spark, warmth and affection there in the beginning? The dedication and constancy of parenting can "mask" certain aspects of the marriage relationship. Have you ever gone on a marriage retreat? My husband and I did that about ten years into our marriage; it was pretty enlightening - taught us new relationship skills.

DiggingIn

Seems like 'the grass is always greener' is an accurate statement here. I'm not in a relationship and I often pity myself because of it. I think sometimes how much easier this all would be if I had someone cheering me on and supporting my efforts. I recognize though the benefit of having just myself to worry about sometimes. I would have been too selfish to have been a good mate to someone, and as I continue to work through these early months, there will still be lots of times where I would be a terribly selfish mate.

gleefan

Me too!

That's why I turn to you here and sober people at AA. When I got my 4 month chip on Monday, the AAers greeted the occasion with cheers and hugs. Hubby greeted me drunk when I got home and shrugged when he saw the chip. The changes in me are huge and I imagine so is his
struggle to see where he fits in to all of this. Intellectually, I understand the stress that he's facing. Emotionally, I am learning how to detach so that I don't over identify with his stress to the point of prioritizing it over my needs. Sigh. I'm a mess!

tornrealization

I'm so proud of you. Four months!

I've been in the rabbit hole, promising to try again Sunday. Why? I don't like this rabbit hole and I miss the Febbies.