tornrealization

I am tired. Today I got insurance estimate. Went on consumerreports, lots of car people calling. I went to Carmax, I am feeling better on what to do. Then we went to an interesting movie. A movie with comedians making jokes while it's running live feed. If anyone knows Mystery Science Theather 3k, it was that. Movie was called Sharknado. Boy was it bad, but the comedians made it really funny.


Then homework. Then more car research.

Seems like hubby is for real on next sober goal in two days. That is gold for me. I look forward to it, posting with success, I hope. I guess I will try again without him as I have in the past. But his goals possibly aligning with mine would help.

Time for bed.

Dee74

No need to worry about me guys - still no solution but I have faith I'll be OK

I'm never going to have kids either Torn - doesn't mean I'm not going to keep trying to grow into being the best person I can be

D

gleefan

Dee - Your calm in the storm is inspirational. I'm glad you're hanging in there, riding the wave. It's a good lesson, and one I need! I managed to not argue with folks over an impossible parking situation - riding the wave in a much smaller scale, but the same concept.

Torn - Which cars are among your final choices? Good luck with your purchase, and with your sobriety start date. It's easier when you and your partner are in it together!

Have a good day Febbies!

SoberLeigh

Hi Febbies - sorry for being AWOL; a brief but violent storm blew through here on Tuesday, knocking out power and causing some property damage at my home (lost a huge, stately, majestic and cherished 140+ year old oak tree; most other damage was system related; lots of property clean-up to do).

Power is back on after almost 40+ hours (we are on well and septic so running water is also unavailable during outages); flights were delayed yesterday so my son and family arrived much later than expected and went straight to in-laws house for wedding prep day; will see and host them later on today. I am chomping at the bit but have to remind myself I will have lots of time in the coming weeks.

"Giants Fall" - so true in this storm; as I drove around yesterday, huge, fallen trees were everywhere. Once I was able to catch the news, I learned that a child was killed and eight other children were injured when trees fell during the storm on Tuesday. My problems are NOTHING in comparison. I will continue to deal with my personal storm-related damage issues "with my tail between my legs" and ask God's forgiveness for not handling my comparatively small issues with better grace and dignity.

My love to all of you; still have not been able to catch up on your posts as I have been busy scheduling and meeting with contractors and repairmen but you are in my heart, and your hopes and dreams are in my prayers.

Go soberly, safely, and in love.

jenny11785

Torn hang in there and hugs to you. Love MST!!

Leigh- that is so scary how nature can change so quickly and create havoc. I am sorry you have to deal with this. You have all of our prayers and support!!

Dee I hope all is well with you. You have been on my mind the last few days!

glee-thanks for the friend request!!

Casivina- anxiety is the worst. I get anxious I want a drink. I conditioned myself at any sign of anxiety to drink to the point I get anxious my mouth waters. I see a bottle of wine and my mouth waters. I see a wine glass my mouth waters. I also am learning to sit with anxious and bad feelings. We can do this.

gleefan

Jenny - I relate to what you write so much!! I see myself in your descriptions of how you feel about what's happening in your life.
Cravings are difficult. We condition ourselves to crave drinks. It's the witching hour right now for me, that's why I'm here on SR. Hubby is preparing dinner - a rarity! - and one that was always spent drinking a lot of wine. I'd be drunk before dinner on the nights he cooked it, and would end up passing out earlier than usual. Instead I'm sober, enjoying a lovely summer night.


Leigh - I suppose the only thing that's certain in nature is that nothing is certain. I'm glad you're ok, and appreciate your kind, loving intentions. Your love and appreciation for people is so beautiful, so inspiring.


Have a good one Febbies, and if you've gone back out there, don't hesitate to come on back. Courage, on another thread, said something inspiring about Day 1's - I'm paraphrasing - that slipping is nothing to be ashamed of, because Day 1's are celebrations!

Gazza

Sorry I haven't been around, have been away in the wilderness fishing for a week. Before that I don't know, I just got recoveried out kind of.

I'm still sober, Im reading Kick the drink easily by Jason Vale. I haven't been taking atabuse or going to AA meetings. I felt AA was keeping me in a state of suffering. I have been taking up new hobbies, working hard and trying to make friends.

Hope everyone is alright.
Cheers
Gareth

jenny11785

Glee- I think we are all more the same than different. I figure this will be a difficult time in my life. Doing EDMR therapy for PTSD is not fun. I have found out that I have probably had PTSD since I was 12 and the last few years it was exacerbated by life events to C PTSD. I always had bad coping mechanisms. Eating disorders, smoking, co dependency. At 42 I will have to stop thinking and behaving like a 12 year old. It's like learning the world and its ways at the beginning of middle age. Interesting concept.

Gazza- I googled that book and it looks very interesting. I have gone to an AA meeting this week I like but I am like you and some of them were so depressing. Also a little bird had been whispering in my ear it is a cult. Discounting what he said but just being more cautious in my life now. Hope all is settled with you living conditions!

tornrealization

Those are the right words Dee. I'm thinking I need to stop worrying about this subject so much.

Well I bought my car. I don't have it yet. It was crazy. I did my research and my regular guy stopped talking to me - probably realized deal wasn't going to be worth his time.

I posted my car on a website and as I was driving to the dealer I got a verbal voicemail for $1500.00 for it. So I went to dealer and got the price I wanted. Then trade in- they were laughing. My front had duct tape with fireballs on it holding it up (truly funny to me too). He said - we don't want your car. I don't know what happened in me, but I waited while brain going crazy. Then I'm like, I need that $1500, so I was like a drama queen and grabbed my keys from the middle of the table, saying we need to sell my car first then and stood up to leave. (Who is this person? Did I just do that!?)

Dealer and husband in shock - and he's like WAIT! He leaves, manager blah blah blah. Comes back with 500 offer. I said, NO WAY that's 1 grand I'm out of - no. (I'm really surprised with myself - I'm such a pushover) he offers another 500. I said -------------OK!

Now I don't have the hassle of selling car to some internet guy and I got something. Dealer was like, didn't they total car? I said no - whipped out my estimate. I said I can pay 500 and have a working car or I can buy new car.

We were there 1 hour (unheard of). I have to pick it up Tuesday - Monday I have class. I'm thrilled. First time ever I feel I didn't get the screws. I always research and still lose cause I can't fight for myself. I bought a Prius. I commute so the gas savings helps makes the monthly payment feel less hurty.

I'm sure when I finalize it - they will push for extended warranty. But I bought two over the years and used them exactly zero times. It'll be easy to stand my ground on that.

Ok - had to vent somewhere about my happiness on this deal.

Dee74

Way to go Torn!

gleefan

Torn - Excellent negotiations! Congratulations on your new car.

Gazza/Gareth - I'm glad you're doing well, meeting people and finding fun things to do. Recovery is supposed to be fun!

Jenny - I know what you mean about learning to grow up. I (half)joke that I have the maturity of a 16 year old!! It's true in a lot if ways. I'm learning how to make good decisions in recovery.

Have a good day everyone!!

forabetterlife

Good morning February group I wanted to thank you guys for your support last time I checked in. I am still struggling.. Back and forth. Today is a good day though, great sober sleep and feeling optimistic. I stopped seeing my counselor as I began to feel more and more like she was just spending too much time pushing AA. Please don't take that as negative, I think AA is a wonderful program. But it took a lot for me to pay for these sessions with her, my finances are right to begin with, and if I'm going to spend that money on myself rather than my kids, I need to be getting more out of it. AA is free and if I felt that was the answer for me, I would just do that. She was a sweet woman but she didn't want to hear any of that. I have been to a couple of meetings this summer but truthfully they brought me more anxiety than peace. Everyone is different.
I know I need to do more and things differently I'm just not sure anymore what that is. SR and recovery books have been the most helpful to me. But the bottom line is using those tools when cravings are strong rather than giving in. It's all up to me, it's a choice I make. I know this.

Anyway, my computer crashed and I find it so hard to respond to others' posts when I'm using the app on my phone. Ugh. I will have to get used to it.
Only 2 1/2 weeks of summer vacation left and I really want to make the best of it, not struggle with senseless "moderation", hangovers, poor sleep, and day 1s or 2s. Enough of this.
Thanks for allowing me to feel comfortable and accepted enough to come back here and just be honest.

casinva

Torn - great job!

Gazza - great to hear you've been busy doing fun things!

Jenny and Glee - I'm right there with both of you - it's tough being a grown up! I'm struggling with that daily instead of hiding behind a glass (or 2 bottles) of wine. It's a daily struggle for me to communicate properly without either biting one's head off or just retreating and feeling anxious. But I'm slowing doing it.

Happy Sunday everyone!

far2go

Just stpping by . It great to see some moving forward, and others of us still struggling but trying.

I need to spend more time here.

jenny11785

FABL- the one thing that started to scar me about AA is there were some people that feel like they are licensed counselors when they aren't. Instead of well this worked for me or this may help, they feel like they know everything and are the end all and be all of recovery. As anyone can walk into meetings I believe there are many in there with narcissism and some sociopathy especially those that where sent there by courts after multiple arrests for assault or burglary. It's like they have a group of people to try to control. I found a woman's group. My regular IOP I won't be going back too. There is two gentlemen who say the most disgusting things and always accost me after to talk to them, walk to my car etc. It makes me uncomfortable and the leaders do not reprimand them for their sexist and sexual comments.

I'm glad many in this group are also growing up with me and feel like a unsure child no matter our chronological age. I have to look at the world as what it is rather than what I want it to be. I also have to look at people in the same manner. I feel my world is askew. There are bad people, places and things out there. Not realizing that put me around bad people, places and things. Ah for a perfect world!!

jenny11785

far2go- how are you doing?

far2go

Jenny.

Sad. Tired.

Thanks for asking. Tomorrow will be better.

Thanks.

f2g

gleefan

Fabl - It's hard to call upon new tools, a different way of thinking, when faced with a deeply ingrained AV. I'm telling you, when I began to accumulate 24 hour periods of abstinence from alcohol, I lost all sense of control I had over other aspects of my life. I stopped exercising. I ate candy and frosting and Oreos for two months straight. I gained weight. My house was a mess. My job performance became bare minimum. One morning I was so lost in my thoughts that time escaped me and I forgot to get my kids ready for the school bus! You know what? Things worked out. My heel injury rested because I wasn't on it exercising hard every day. I didn't get sick from eating junk food. I bought some inexpensive bigger clothes. The house survived. My kids got themselves ready for the bus that morning. You know what else? Things got better. I joined a crossfit gym that I always wanted to try but didn't think I was worthy of joining. I also bought a bike and am overcoming my fears of riding on the road. Although I don't fit into my other clothes yet, I have more confidence in my ability to do things. I went back to making healthy salads, smoothies, and recipes, but still indulge in a moderate -ish amount of sweets. I worked in some daily clean up time into my schedule so I wasn't doing all or nothing with the house. Sobriety is hard but it's better than even my best day in active addiction.

Jenny - I agree that there is no one right way to do this. Our journeys are all so personalized. I think it's awesome that you're seeing through others' attempts to manipulate and control you, and also that you're heeding your inner voice. It's a real paradigm shift to stay away from people who make you uncomfortable, such as IOP, and I know that's not easy!!

Far2go - it's not about how many times you fall, it's how many times you pick yourself back up. We are here!

Casinva - I know what you mean about the moodiness. I've been reading Melody Beattie's books about codependency to course correct my relationships in recovery. I try to heed my own needs and find I'm in a much better mood. My relationships are far from sunshine and roses but I'm not as grumpy about that as I was before I explored codependency.

I went to a cute little bookstore with a friend today. Time to dive into a book. Have a good night!

forabetterlife

Jenny, I haven't been to enough meetings to experience that, but those types of things would upset me too. I surely don't respond well to those types of approaches or people either.

Glee- thank you for that perspective. Your description of your first couple of months is very opposite of what I expect from myself each time I quit. It has made me wonder if that might be part of my problem... Each time I recommit to sobriety I feel like I should be "doing it all". Exercise, diet, losing weight, house projects, clean house, and just following up and doing all the things I overlook or neglect when I am in a drinking phase. Pretty soon, I get too overwhelmed with it all, maybe even disappointed in myself if I don't meet my standards, and once a craving hits, Bam.. I just give in. I tell myself I need a break, I deserve one. I think I need to learn to take it easy. Sometimes just being sober is enough, even if nothing else gets done. A shift in perspective may be what I need right now. I honestly never
Noticed how hard I am on myself.

Far2go, I hope you are feeling better. Some days just downright stink. This too shall pass.

gleefan

F2g - Was today better? It takes time for the body and brain to heal, as well as the mind. Sometimes accepting that I am having a difficult day helps me get through it, better than being angry that I'm having a tough time.

Fabl - I thought that when I was finally able to quit drinking, I'd take control of losing the last 10 lbs I was holding on to, and that everything would look picture perfect around me, like the cookie cutter image I had spent years cultivating. That didn't happen but I'm doing well.