Class of August 2013 - Part 11
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Yeah, Kadi - work stuff can be devastating. Good job fighting the urge off. People minimize, and say its just work, but our work is a large part of who we are.
Yes, wife wasn't drinking in the house to my knowledge. There's been no wine in the fridge. We didn't really talk about it, I thought she was in bed, went to the kitchen to get a snack, there she is, asked what she was doing up, the answer was 'drinking and talking to the kid'. I said great sarcastically, got my snack and walked out.
Honestly, I'm not sure if things are okay with us or not right now. She says they are, and mostly acts as if they are, but I'm not sure that's the truth. That isn't a great feeling. We have a big transition period coming up, daughter is off to college out of state in the fall, just be us and the dog.
Yes, wife wasn't drinking in the house to my knowledge. There's been no wine in the fridge. We didn't really talk about it, I thought she was in bed, went to the kitchen to get a snack, there she is, asked what she was doing up, the answer was 'drinking and talking to the kid'. I said great sarcastically, got my snack and walked out.
Honestly, I'm not sure if things are okay with us or not right now. She says they are, and mostly acts as if they are, but I'm not sure that's the truth. That isn't a great feeling. We have a big transition period coming up, daughter is off to college out of state in the fall, just be us and the dog.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
I'm off to California at first light tomorrow. I'm a little concerned because I came back last time and got very depressed. I am still depressed but not as bad as I was. That's why I haven't been posting so much. I feel like I haven't got much to say that's very interesting. My old spark is missing. I am looking forward to seeing my family and the beauty of spring in California. We're going to look at property and see our families.
I am noticing a gradual change. I'm more accepting of myself and it brings me some peace. I'm not having so high of highs and so low of lows. ( by "highs" I mean intolerable anxiety and "lows" I mean unable to get out of bed. I'm somewhere in the middle now and mostly calm.
I am noticing a gradual change. I'm more accepting of myself and it brings me some peace. I'm not having so high of highs and so low of lows. ( by "highs" I mean intolerable anxiety and "lows" I mean unable to get out of bed. I'm somewhere in the middle now and mostly calm.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Else, it sounds like some time in California may be just what your spark needs. Have a great time!
We're girding our loins here for what may be a record-setting April storm. Funsters. Hope the meteorologists are wrong.
How are you feeling today, Kadi? Thought about you a lot today.
We're girding our loins here for what may be a record-setting April storm. Funsters. Hope the meteorologists are wrong.
How are you feeling today, Kadi? Thought about you a lot today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Well, I just got back home. I flew from Germany this morning into Chicago to meet with my brother. He is unhappy and his new marriage is in rough shape. I believe he suffers form addiction but unwilling to admit it. I did not come to Chicago to preach or give him any self righteous guidance. Instead, I wanted to let him know I love him and am concerned for his health and here to help in anyway I can. I treated to a nice sushi dinner and we had a great talk. It went much better than I expected and he sent me a nice text. I jumped back on my plane and just landed in Boston.
Big day tomorrow at work and in laws arrive. My FiL is active (alcohol) but my relationship with them is no longer strained no that I am sober. Germany was good, I accepted a humbling award for my work and achievement that ranked me in the top ten of what I do in the World. I also did not let it go to me head but I would be lying if I did not have thoughts come and go. I meditate more when traveling.
FG - I am sorry. You have an interesting transition and I hope you figure it out. You are young and have much life to be celebrated. Stay close.
Kad - I am glad the post history was helpful. I hope you are getting the work clarity you are hoping for.
Ven - stay warm and dry
Else - Sending positive energy across the continent to you tonight. Have you read In the Realm or Power of Now or A New Earth? Are you meditating? By all means keep posting if nothing else it helps the process. I find when we try to intellectualize where we think we need to be it causes paralysis and we stand still. When we do what we know is right even if we don't understand at the moment we make forward progress. To me this is faith. Faith in this process. I found this to be true with meditation.
Big day tomorrow at work and in laws arrive. My FiL is active (alcohol) but my relationship with them is no longer strained no that I am sober. Germany was good, I accepted a humbling award for my work and achievement that ranked me in the top ten of what I do in the World. I also did not let it go to me head but I would be lying if I did not have thoughts come and go. I meditate more when traveling.
FG - I am sorry. You have an interesting transition and I hope you figure it out. You are young and have much life to be celebrated. Stay close.
Kad - I am glad the post history was helpful. I hope you are getting the work clarity you are hoping for.
Ven - stay warm and dry
Else - Sending positive energy across the continent to you tonight. Have you read In the Realm or Power of Now or A New Earth? Are you meditating? By all means keep posting if nothing else it helps the process. I find when we try to intellectualize where we think we need to be it causes paralysis and we stand still. When we do what we know is right even if we don't understand at the moment we make forward progress. To me this is faith. Faith in this process. I found this to be true with meditation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by jdooner 
Oh, Adbike - Parlee with DA Di2 or Cervelo S5 DA Di2? I have been a Cervelo guy myself and prob going to pick up the P5 DA Di2 for tri comps that I am getting back into.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by advbike
I ride a Roubaix Expert SL4 Disc here in Portland - the discs help with the super steep hills near my home in wet weather.
Congrats on your award, JD. Glad to hear your time with your brother went well. I hope that he can achieve sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Else, I hope you have a wonderful time in California. It will be so much fun to look at properties! Try not to worry about whether you will be depressed when you return--enjoy your time in the sunshine.
Today was another one of those super anxious days. I've had a hard time breathing the past couple days. It's better now. I came home and just laid in my bed and tried to relax. I really wanted to drink today. But I know that's not the answer--it will make it so much worse. I had a meeting today related to the topic of the bad meeting on Monday, and it went well. It's going to be fine. I haven't seen the two colleagues in the Monday meeting since then, but we have been emailing about other matters, so that feels kind of good--we're being productive in communicating about other things that need to be done. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. The more space that goes by the better.
I think some of what is going on is that I feel stretched really thin. I teach at a small liberal arts college, and I'm up for tenure next year. Our tenure is based on teaching and service. I've been a bit overloaded in the service part this year. Also, tensions seems to run really high this time of year because everyone--faculty, students, and staff--are maxed out and stressed.
I have to remember too that although I'm embarrassed by my outburst on Monday, I do not have to let it define who I am. And for the remaining part of the week, I've been professional, communicative, and productive as relates to that part of my job. Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, haha. I'm trying to keep in mind that the longer time goes by and the more 'normal' exchanges that happen between those colleagues, the more Monday will recede into the backdrop. Also, I've been obsessing about for the past few days and I seriously doubt that the other two are. We've worked closely together for four years, and I will have plenty of other opportunities to handle disagreements gracefully.
On the subject of the topic I got so mad about, I'm just going to let it go and see what happens. The meeting today has put that into action, and we'll see where it goes.
Sorry for being so vague about the whole thing, and thank you so much for your support during my crazies!
Today was another one of those super anxious days. I've had a hard time breathing the past couple days. It's better now. I came home and just laid in my bed and tried to relax. I really wanted to drink today. But I know that's not the answer--it will make it so much worse. I had a meeting today related to the topic of the bad meeting on Monday, and it went well. It's going to be fine. I haven't seen the two colleagues in the Monday meeting since then, but we have been emailing about other matters, so that feels kind of good--we're being productive in communicating about other things that need to be done. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. The more space that goes by the better.
I think some of what is going on is that I feel stretched really thin. I teach at a small liberal arts college, and I'm up for tenure next year. Our tenure is based on teaching and service. I've been a bit overloaded in the service part this year. Also, tensions seems to run really high this time of year because everyone--faculty, students, and staff--are maxed out and stressed.
I have to remember too that although I'm embarrassed by my outburst on Monday, I do not have to let it define who I am. And for the remaining part of the week, I've been professional, communicative, and productive as relates to that part of my job. Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, haha. I'm trying to keep in mind that the longer time goes by and the more 'normal' exchanges that happen between those colleagues, the more Monday will recede into the backdrop. Also, I've been obsessing about for the past few days and I seriously doubt that the other two are. We've worked closely together for four years, and I will have plenty of other opportunities to handle disagreements gracefully.
On the subject of the topic I got so mad about, I'm just going to let it go and see what happens. The meeting today has put that into action, and we'll see where it goes.
Sorry for being so vague about the whole thing, and thank you so much for your support during my crazies!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Eastern Shore of Maryland
Posts: 486
My wife and I had a nice dinner last weekend and a long talk about our last seven months since I stopped drinking. It was a really open, honest conversation and we have both been really kind to each other since then.
I had a physical exam yesterday and an honest discussion with my physician about my past drinking.
I'm feeling really at peace now for the first time in a long time and I think it has been cathartic to have these conversations and share my feelings with my wife and physician.
I have a quick trip to Europe for a meeting week after next, I'll be there less than 48 hours. My wife suggested pulling our daughter out of school for a few days so they could go with me and spend a couple of extra days there as a family before coming home. Even if we can't make it work with everyone's schedules, it was nice to know she would like to hang out with me rather than stay home and get stuff done.
I hope this peaceful feeling lasts a bit longer.
I had a physical exam yesterday and an honest discussion with my physician about my past drinking.
I'm feeling really at peace now for the first time in a long time and I think it has been cathartic to have these conversations and share my feelings with my wife and physician.
I have a quick trip to Europe for a meeting week after next, I'll be there less than 48 hours. My wife suggested pulling our daughter out of school for a few days so they could go with me and spend a couple of extra days there as a family before coming home. Even if we can't make it work with everyone's schedules, it was nice to know she would like to hang out with me rather than stay home and get stuff done.
I hope this peaceful feeling lasts a bit longer.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Kadi, don't ever feel like you need to apologize for being vague. The beauty of our little world here is that we share as much or as little in a safe place. What matters is that we gain both the understanding about how life's ups and downs impact our sobriety and the support from one another to navigate the waters. And you're right -- the things that hurt or anger us do recede into the rear view mirror sooner or later.
Orn, I hope schedules work out so your wife and daughter can join you for a few days in Europe. What wonderful memories you'd build in that time! Your comments on feeling peaceful are an inspiration, too.
V.
Orn, I hope schedules work out so your wife and daughter can join you for a few days in Europe. What wonderful memories you'd build in that time! Your comments on feeling peaceful are an inspiration, too.
V.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Orinthology, I also find your comments about feeling peaceful inspiring. Thank you for sharing that.
JD, I meant to say this when I posted last night--it sounds like you did the best thing in your approach with your brother. You've let him know that you're there for him if he needs someone to talk to. With that, you created a space for him to come to terms on his own. Maybe a seed has been planted.
I am still anxious and kind of depressed, just a general feeling of malaise. This weekend my goals are to meditate and write, even if I don't feel like it, and to exercise. It's supposed to be rainy so I'll probably go to the gym. I want to stop a potential downward spiral--I've thought of drinking every day this week. I am almost certain that if I hadn't found SR that I would be drinking right now. I don't want to go down that path again.
Venecia, I hope the weather isn't too bad up there. My friend in MN texted yesterday that she was about to help her neighbor shovel ice off the driveway. Wow.
Hope everyone is having a peaceful Friday.
JD, I meant to say this when I posted last night--it sounds like you did the best thing in your approach with your brother. You've let him know that you're there for him if he needs someone to talk to. With that, you created a space for him to come to terms on his own. Maybe a seed has been planted.
I am still anxious and kind of depressed, just a general feeling of malaise. This weekend my goals are to meditate and write, even if I don't feel like it, and to exercise. It's supposed to be rainy so I'll probably go to the gym. I want to stop a potential downward spiral--I've thought of drinking every day this week. I am almost certain that if I hadn't found SR that I would be drinking right now. I don't want to go down that path again.
Venecia, I hope the weather isn't too bad up there. My friend in MN texted yesterday that she was about to help her neighbor shovel ice off the driveway. Wow.
Hope everyone is having a peaceful Friday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by kadidee
I am still anxious and kind of depressed, just a general feeling of malaise. This weekend my goals are to meditate and write, even if I don't feel like it, and to exercise. It's supposed to be rainy so I'll probably go to the gym. I want to stop a potential downward spiral--I've thought of drinking every day this week. I am almost certain that if I hadn't found SR that I would be drinking right now. I don't want to go down that path again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Advbike, I haven't been to any AA meetings, but I've looked at the schedule a few times. I went to quite a few GA meetings a couple years ago. I'll consider it.
I'm going to bed. Feel sad, frustrated, angry, lonely...so many negative feelings that I can't sort them all out. Ick. Feels like it will never go away. This is the worst I've felt sober in almost 8 months.
I'm going to bed. Feel sad, frustrated, angry, lonely...so many negative feelings that I can't sort them all out. Ick. Feels like it will never go away. This is the worst I've felt sober in almost 8 months.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by kadidee
Advbike, I haven't been to any AA meetings, but I've looked at the schedule a few times. I went to quite a few GA meetings a couple years ago. I'll consider it.
I'm going to bed. Feel sad, frustrated, angry, lonely...so many negative feelings that I can't sort them all out. Ick. Feels like it will never go away. This is the worst I've felt sober in almost 8 months.
I'm going to bed. Feel sad, frustrated, angry, lonely...so many negative feelings that I can't sort them all out. Ick. Feels like it will never go away. This is the worst I've felt sober in almost 8 months.
I find drinking lives in the darkness of deception. I find writing and meditation help. Find someone to talk too. Volunteer maybe? You don't want to go down that old path.
Relapses start well ahead of picking up the drink and in the mind. I want you to try and right size and say this bc I care but you seem like your inching closer and closer.
How can we help. Sending positive thoughts!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
yeah Kadi - it doesn't have to be one of us - and certainly doesn't have to be on the boards - but I hope you find someone to talk out whatever this is
I hope your weekend gets better
D
I hope your weekend gets better
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
I am feeling more hopeful today. Up early on a Saturday and already have a load of clothes in the wash. I'm going to listen to a couple of the meditations my sister gave me for Christmas, then do some reading and journaling. Then eat. Then exercise.
For this entire week, I've been so myopically focused on the work thing that it's become so large, an entity unto itself. It doesn't have to be that way. I was taking note yesterday of all of the pleasant and productive exchanges I've had throughout the week with other colleagues and students. They outweigh the bad thing. I guess I'm scared of those two colleagues being mad or upset with me. Ever since I was a kid, I've become almost paralyzed if I thought someone was mad at me. Those old codependency issues die hard.
For this entire week, I've been so myopically focused on the work thing that it's become so large, an entity unto itself. It doesn't have to be that way. I was taking note yesterday of all of the pleasant and productive exchanges I've had throughout the week with other colleagues and students. They outweigh the bad thing. I guess I'm scared of those two colleagues being mad or upset with me. Ever since I was a kid, I've become almost paralyzed if I thought someone was mad at me. Those old codependency issues die hard.
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