kadidee

Sean, I also still get cravings in the early evening. I fix a big glass of something cold and fizzy right when I get home, Pellegrino and lemon or cranberry and water, etc. Mine tend to pass once it's dark outside.

w2r, I honestly don't remember if I was tired at 3 weeks. I think I was, but didn't know if it was alcohol leaving the system or school starting up again.

So I looked up AA meetings today--there are a lot in my town. I'm kind of on the fence. On the one hand, I don't want to 'do' AA (steps, sponsor, etc.); I don't want to feel uncomfortable if I just pop in every now and again and don't go regularly; I'm not sure about the sharing part with a bunch of strangers. On the other hand, I'd love some face to face conversations with other people who are dealing with similar issues, and I'd like to meet other sober people in my town. There's a meeting at 5:30 on my route home from work several times a week, so I might get up some nerve to stop in on one...we'll see.

I also made an appointment with my counselor (who I haven't seen in awhile), but she can't get me in until the 25th. I obsessed all weekend about ex-husband issues. I go back and forth between being angry at him and angry at myself. I think the anger and disappointment in myself is what is really getting me down and holding me back right now. I obsess over how I didn't see it coming, why I didn't pay attention to warning signs, why I didn't get out earlier, why I didn't stand up for myself better, and on and on and on. Looking back, I DID stand up for myself when he first started with the mental/emotional stuff, but he was so irrational. It exhausts me just thinking about it. No matter what I said, he said I was wrong or lying or stupid, and he would put forth the 'reality' of the situation that eventually I couldn't fight against anymore. I spent so much time trying to reason with him, communicate with him, but it was a losing battle. Then he got physical, and eventually dangerous and unpredictable, so I didn't even try to talk back. I just listened and said 'I'm sorry'. The whole thing just really steams me because I feel like a fool and that I made a bad choice and let him run all over me, etc.

Last night I tried to focus on how I'm fortunate to have gotten out. The plan was to move to his home country (in the Middle East), and I fear that he would have taken my passport. His mother was also very controlling and I think it would have been really hard to leave. I was already so brainwashed by the end and I'm sure that would have gotten worse being surrounded by his family. There are so many women in bad situations right now and I am grateful that I'm out--I try to think of them, pray for them, to take the focus off of myself. But I'm still beating myself up and I feel so selfish when I'm out and other people are still suffering. So I need to address this with the counselor to try to move on. I got counseling in the past, but it was in the early stages when I was still disassociated from reality, still loved him and felt guilty for leaving, still felt like it was all my fault and that had I been a better wife I could have made it work. I'm in a very different place now so need to work on different issues.

I also made an appointment with the psychiatrist who works in the same building as the therapist because I want to ask her about medication. I've been on anti-depressants/anti-anxieties in the past--not sure if I want to go that route again, but just want to explore options because I feel so stuck.

Thank you for listening. It really helps to write it out here.

On a more positive note, today is day 57

Elseware

Kadidee, I don't see why you couldn't find a meeting that you could use as a drop-in sort of place. They do say to take what you want and leave the rest so...why not? I never had any interest in working steps or anything but I can see how just going and being with others could help me. I really doubt anyone would object.

I don't know what to say about your husband. He sounds like a nightmare. No wonder you have PTSD. I'm so glad you are free! It sounds like you have survivors guilt to me. You DESERVE to be free of him. And safe. Others have to find their own way like you did. You have to let others tend to there own business. I know how difficult it can be to be abused ( although not anything like your experience) by someone that you really love. It is a weird conundrum. Somehow it becomes all your fault. And it isn't. It makes you feel completely crazy. I don't know if you're an American/British/ European or not, but the Middle East seems like a rough place for any woman. Especially one not accustomed to the culture. (shudder)! You sure did the right thing by not going there with him. I hate to think of that scene! You're moving slowly along just like the rest of us. We all seem to be doing and feeling the same sorts of things. In the opiate recovery area they call it Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome or PAWS. Seems to me it applies to alcohol, too.

W2r. I think you're feeling tired and let down after the big holiday. You did all the work, after all! This seems pretty normal to me. You'll surely feel better in a day or two. Just rest if you need to. Or do something for yourself that helps you relax. Try not to get overtired.

w2r

Kadidee, I found your post VERY disturbing.
Thank god you got out.
I have a friend who lived several years in the middle east.
I am uncomfortable with that culture seeping into north America.
I feel sorry for the people who live there as well.

BarbieKen

Bobbi here at almost 8:00pm checking in for another 24 hours of Sobriety! As I was reading the posts re: Canadian Thanksgiving, I said a quick thank you to the Universe. For the last few years my husband and I volunteer at The Midnight Mission in L.A. Our friend works full time here. So, we volunteer throughout the year, not just for holidays. That said: If "doing" the whole dinner celebration is making you tired, why not look into a volunteer opportunity? I, too, get so tired (and dirty, we run the clothing giveaway) , and yes, it's the greatest kind of tired. Just a little seed to plant here on SR!.

kadidee

w2r, when I first got out, I picked up on a lot of 'told you so' innuendo because I had married someone from that region. I did research on domestic violence in the U.S. and found the statistics alarming--it truly happens everywhere in the world and to all types of demographics.

I've tried to sort out how much of it was cultural and how much of it was him. I think it's a mixed bag. I do think that many of his ideas of what it means to be a 'wife' are cultural; however, he was sadistic and violent and I just can't believe that 'all' men from anywhere are that nutso, so some of it was just him. He's from one of the more 'open' countries that starts with an 'L' (I have no problem revealing where he's from to you all, except I know it's searchable via Google). This summer women's rights group made some headway getting a draft of a law approved in that country that would protect women (previously there has been little. For example, rape was not considered rape within marriage and the police wouldn't do anything if called about brutality). Some of this is changing. Slowly. I think women are pushing back more against cultural and political barriers over there.

merchantsun

Sweet dreams to all! :-)

dayover

Hi Kadidee - I know that the meetings I go to both in my home town and where I currently live were always VERY welcoming. No one insisted you follow the steps or the program, and the 'fellowship' part - having people to connect to who can understand what you are going through was stressed as the most important aspect of AA. From reading other posts I know that not all meetings are like this but I hope that you can find one and are able to take what you like and leave the rest, like others here said! Congratulations on day 57 - it sounds like you have a full plate right now, but it's really good that you are able to vent and talk about it.

Just going to vent a bit before bed!

I am finally back at my own apartment. It was really good to be reunited with my roommates, catch up, eat leftovers (we all coordinated and brought specific things back to have a leftover thanksgiving dinner together ) and caught up. I had no idea how stressful going home for the weekend was going to be and it was very upsetting. Going back to my hometown, seeing everyone I knew from high school and specifically everyone I used to drink with. I had NO idea I would feel that way seeing them and was incredibly overwhelmed. I got down on my knees tonight and said a big thank you prayer to my higher power for helping me get through this weekend sober, and for giving me the tools and ability to go through some of the stuff that came up this weekend and still know I am going to be O.K. In the light of seeing someone who is currently struggling, it has really shown me how lucky I am to have found out about SR and AA and recovery in general when I did. Trying to keep my friend who is struggling in my prayers as well.

I am saddened by the fact I have really felt distanced from my old friends who I no longer drink with. I don't hang out with them half as much as I used to, and though I know there is a practical reason for that, I also feel like I can't really talk to them about anything. Many of my friends don't know I've stopped drinking, and the ones who do not have an understanding of what I'm going through to really talk about it. I don't want to seem like a crazy person forcing it down their throats, either, but I just feel rather unable to talk openly with them when they ask me "how are you doing" and I want to mention something about my sobriety. I suppose that's just how it is going to be with some people.




Hope everyone is well and has a good nights sleep

SeanMc

kadidee
Elseware
Andreajp
Many thanks you three, looks like we're much the same. Yes, the early evenings can be tough and I've taken to buying an armful of different soft drinks from a stall that knows me now. And yes, just having a cup in hand is reassuring...

I drink ice tea but also buy sugary hot from the cake shop and walk with it to my apartment. You know how it is, sometimes half a bottle of strong alcohol seems like a pretty good idea for a few moments before you remember what it really means. I live alone but have plenty of work and personal projects on the computer to occupy the mind. Best, Sean

kadidee

Sean...on cravings:

Mine are attached to 'coming down' from the day or 'breaking up the day' from being at work to being at home. I've always associated wine with the ritual of transitioning from obligation to free time/relaxation. My now non-alcoholic fizzy drink is that 'break,' but in some ways I still feel like an addict because I'm using 'something' (Pellegrino + cigarette) where I used to use wine. I imagine that as time goes on and we make new habits, this compulsion to get a fix of something will fade.

Elseware

Kadidee, I think you need to give yourself a beak. Healthy rituals are a good thing. Even little kids benefit from a routine in their lives and so do adults. I am never happier than when I feel that everything is in it's place and swinging along. I always try to get up and go to bed at approximately at the same time and lots of other things. Having a routine makes me happy. There is a happy medium between routine and rut. I feel very off-balance when things come at me willy-nilly. I think your fizzy drink and a cigarette sounds like a more healthy routine than the wine, and a routine appears to be something you need. Go easy!

SeanMc

Sure. There's this issue of stress and separation from what society throws at us and a need to relax. I still think there are serious problems in society that many alcoholics are a little more sensitive to, on subliminal levels. But it's possible to deal with those tensions better than choosing to poison ourselves- that's what I remember to myself. If you hit the bottle, really society has won and has a little chuckle to itself.

EternalQ

As someone suggested I use a special drink. In the beginning I did this all the time. Now just if I'm stressed or with company. I use seltzer and cranberry wifh a lime.

Also suggested by others... when I was newly quit I moved my living room furniture around so when I sat to watch the news or TV I would be sitting in a different chair and watching from a different area of the room. This sounds small but helped big .

I also came home at different times. Went to bed at different times. Also entering from a different door helped. I didn't enter into fhe kitchen like before.

Some people take a shower when they get home. I walked my dog. Some chew ice, make phone calls, exercise, do anything but made sure a few things were done that were new and many things done out of order or done differently.

I recently moved, and what people told me has been true: I don't have any triggers in the new place basically. I've never drank here, so no room or task here is associated with alcohol.

Hope this helps.

w2r

When I get home from work I pop open a "Santa Cruz" drink (smuckers)
It has a little less sugar than san pellagrino and more flavors.
I buy flats from Costco.
I used to have more wine starting at 8:30, it tended to wake me up.
Now I just go to bed. I'd rather get up early now...especially as there is no hangover.

I hope the sugary drinks don't give us all cavities!
It is easy now to floss and brush before bed when you are not blacking out!!!

jdooner

I drink seltzer 90% with Cran Grape on ice in a highball glass. I am going through the BB with my sponsor and I am feeling the urges are lessening. However, as the drink fades I am also havign to tackle bigger issues, which were numbed and masked during my drinking.

I am starting to learn how to cope better and feel like I am becoming a more fulfilled as a human vs a zombie, which I was.

I am also learning to deal with stress much better - not solved as I lost my temper at a parking lot attendant yesterday but did apologize when I stepped outside myself. Anyhow this is such a process and can honestly say I feel so much better and bigger than I did two months ago.

SeamMC - I shoudl take my own advice on diet.

foolsgold66

Checkin in on day (aw heck, you do the math if you want, my date in my sig is accurate!). I am well, life is not bliss nor hell, I am busy and enjoying it mostly, not craving alcohol in any way. My best to all.

I choose not to drink today
FG

Sheknits

So I could almost say that I am no longer having cravings, expect that right now just happened.

Sitting on the couch, mindlessly crocheting away, suppers in the oven, kids are happily playing in another room, and waiting for the mister to get home.

A preview for the movie "enough said" comes on and I'm very interested as I'm a fan of both leads. The problem, they are drinking wine in almost every scene. I instantly feel jealous.

Why can they drink happily without issue? Why can't i do that? Maybe I could drink just a glass or two of wine sometimes. Maybe I should get the mister to grab some on the way home.

I talked myself down, and I'm over the craving but I feel insanely sad about the fact that I will never be able to do that.

Plus, it's a movie! They aren't even real people!!!

SeanMc

Good morning.

Thanks. I find I'm doing something similar, exploring many new soft drinks...

I can imagine. Yes indeed, anything to restart things afresh, very interesting. Good one.

You know I think you're right- it's down to sweeping away old encrusted habits that don't mean much but which we get trapped in.

Definitely the thought for the day. Much wisdom here I think.

Triggers, yes I have a few, mainly getting low with my job or relations or my past. The trick for me has been focusing on the present and bracketing off for later consideration old irreconcilable problems, and associated questions about whether to have a drink or not. But I try never to get round to considering them and continue to put them off... Works well for me.

Elseware

I had one of those today, too, Andreajp. Out of nowhere, just coming home from the store. I always used to take a pill the minute I came in the door from anywhere. Just a little something to keep me going.....! So today my mind was wandering and it came into my head that I needed a pill. Didn't take one but I sure noticed I wanted one.

I know what you mean about the wine thing. It looks so good and smart when people drink in front of you. They're all having a fine time. I feel all left out. I can't drink anymore. It's like being a little kid looking through a pet store window. Poor me. When I follow in through to the inevitable, though, it just isn't worth it. One thing? We never have to have a hangover again! Yay for us!

One thing I'm realizing is that much of my addiction behavior is about me wanting to please other people. I want to be "sparkly" and "dynamic" when what I really am is shy. Shy is uncomfortable for me so I've always tried to make it go away. I'm really a loner. Is that such a bad thing to be? I used to think it was and that I was bad because of it. I don't know anymore. What is really so wrong with being just the way you are?

Elseware

EternalQ......Thanks for the Goddess thread. Lot of thoughts about that today!

Elseware

Going on a rant here but! I always used to buy 2 bottles of wine before a party. One to drink while I was getting ready for the party and one to drink at the party. A sure way to keep from being shy. A good way to be very drunk. And I always was. But sparkly and dynamic? No, just ridiculous. Really, I'm so glad I don't do that anymore. I'm having to come to terms with this shy person, though, with stopping the pills. Pills made me outgoing, too. I feel out of touch with life.