Class of December 2012 - Part 9
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
alice- stay positive! sometimes that is easier said than done, but your mindset and attitude will have so much to do with you beating this! Keep only positive up people around, even if that means hurting some feelings along the way.
Thank you Courage, I am feeling more positive today. I think the AV was taking advantage of my stress at work and my recent run of sadness and massive pity party I held for myself.
Yah Napster- Girls rule ya know!!
RAL get to feeling better, hubby swears by orange juice, that and mentholatum cures everthing, according to him.
Thank you Courage, I am feeling more positive today. I think the AV was taking advantage of my stress at work and my recent run of sadness and massive pity party I held for myself.
Yah Napster- Girls rule ya know!!
RAL get to feeling better, hubby swears by orange juice, that and mentholatum cures everthing, according to him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 410
Hope everything comes out okay with it Alice. At least think it's a positive that you weren't still drinking regularly up till this, your body has to be in stronger shape than it would have been.
Just checking in, been a nice quiet week so far, mostly watching lots of hockey. Going to try for golf this weekend, its long weekend up here for crazy Canuck Thanksgiving. Currently have all our guys all working on just one job site which is pretty unusual for us, so makes my life easier all around as I do project admin. stuff. 1 project is much better than 6. Doesn't matter how big a job it is, same paperwork has to be done.
Just checking in, been a nice quiet week so far, mostly watching lots of hockey. Going to try for golf this weekend, its long weekend up here for crazy Canuck Thanksgiving. Currently have all our guys all working on just one job site which is pretty unusual for us, so makes my life easier all around as I do project admin. stuff. 1 project is much better than 6. Doesn't matter how big a job it is, same paperwork has to be done.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Hi all --
I "qualified" which means I was the main speaker at an AA mtg tonite. Feeling kind of weird after -- I tried to be honest, and my honest story is neither exciting nor glamorous -- it's just one very long dismal crawl. I felt like people responded by expressing pity for me, which isn't what I want or need -- heck, I way I'm better off than a lot of others in the rooms. Maybe I'm imagining things, or maybe my total lack of spirituality was just coming through. Sigh.
I "qualified" which means I was the main speaker at an AA mtg tonite. Feeling kind of weird after -- I tried to be honest, and my honest story is neither exciting nor glamorous -- it's just one very long dismal crawl. I felt like people responded by expressing pity for me, which isn't what I want or need -- heck, I way I'm better off than a lot of others in the rooms. Maybe I'm imagining things, or maybe my total lack of spirituality was just coming through. Sigh.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Olde England
Posts: 528
Well done Courage, must have been a journey reliving it all in front of a bunch of people - not exactly going to be an uplifting experience for you but another step forward hey,
Bracing myself for the weekend, going to be a key member of the presentation group on a 40 people workshop day on Monday, means a 200 mile journey to get there for 08:30 so a great motivator for steering clear of the juice.
Bracing myself for the weekend, going to be a key member of the presentation group on a 40 people workshop day on Monday, means a 200 mile journey to get there for 08:30 so a great motivator for steering clear of the juice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 320
Hi guys.
Courage way to go! I know for me that I always over analysis myself and read into things which aren't actually there. It's very easy to read someone else's emotions/reactions with out own eyes, so-to-speak, so I often project my own personal fears/doubts/etc onto others. I wonder if you're doing the same? I can imagine it would be a hugely confronting situation, so you'd feel very vulnerable. Your wording sounded a little defensive, which is how I always feel when I get into that mind set of projecting my own self-judgement onto others. But then, you're also a very smart lady so it could be that they did react that way - either way, it's not about their reactions, it's about you. When I went to an AA meeting I found all of the stories relatable and terrifying, not just the ones with a big gory rock bottom. AA didn't stick for me, but the people did. I'm positive that you made a difference in someone's life that night, that's such an awesome (in the actual meaning of the word) thing. I know this because you've already made a difference in my life
Congrats Marria!
Good to see you Napster!!!
Thank you for the well-wishes everyone. I am doing OK, though it's still sinking in I think. I have found myself feeling very mortal. I've decide to embrace the fact that I don't "have a dream" and take the advice of the "sage" Tim Minchin, and just pursue short term goals with passion and dedication.
Oh, the youtube embedding doesn't work anymore? This is the link, see 2.48 Tim Minchin - YouTube
I think I'm in what is no doubt a common phase, where I'm stuck a little on the morbidity of it all. Life suddenly feels much shorter - the 5 year survival rate for people with my stage RCC is between 80-95%, which sounds good until you think that it means that as many as 1 in 5 or 15 people just like me died as a direct result of their cancer in only 5 years. Then when you extend it out to 15 years the rate keeps getting higher, and not just for death (as there are natural deaths too) but as a direct result of the cancer. I'm glad that I've experienced a lot of things in my life so far, so I don't feel depressed by what I've done with my life. If it does happen that I am in the 5% I don't think I'd leave any big regrets behind. I don't have kids which is such a blessing. There's a chance that the reason I have this is because of a genetic predisposition to get cancer, so if I had children I would be passing that down to them. I will get tested for this gene after I have recovered. Plus also there's the fact that I don't have to worry about leaving a kid behind.
Anyway, I am sounding a bit down about it, but I'm not feeling down about it. Just exploring the possibilities, so to speak. I think it's normal.
I have been thinking about alcohol - eg since I literally won't be able to drink like I used to with one kidney, does this open up a forced normality? Could I drink like a 'normal' person now that I don't have the option of drinking like a drunk? I have to be honest, though, and the thought of drinking to deal with this is so very unappealing. I think there's a part of me that is thinking about alcohol because it's a safe, 'normal' thing that I used to do before when everything was ok, but it's such a small, quiet part of me that it doesn't even register as an urge or craving. I also think I'm cataloguing every aspect of my life, every possibility, as part of coping with the news, so I don't think it's a concern that I've also thought about what one kidney means for me and alcohol. I feel very strong with my sobriety.
Courage way to go! I know for me that I always over analysis myself and read into things which aren't actually there. It's very easy to read someone else's emotions/reactions with out own eyes, so-to-speak, so I often project my own personal fears/doubts/etc onto others. I wonder if you're doing the same? I can imagine it would be a hugely confronting situation, so you'd feel very vulnerable. Your wording sounded a little defensive, which is how I always feel when I get into that mind set of projecting my own self-judgement onto others. But then, you're also a very smart lady so it could be that they did react that way - either way, it's not about their reactions, it's about you. When I went to an AA meeting I found all of the stories relatable and terrifying, not just the ones with a big gory rock bottom. AA didn't stick for me, but the people did. I'm positive that you made a difference in someone's life that night, that's such an awesome (in the actual meaning of the word) thing. I know this because you've already made a difference in my life
Congrats Marria!
Good to see you Napster!!!
Thank you for the well-wishes everyone. I am doing OK, though it's still sinking in I think. I have found myself feeling very mortal. I've decide to embrace the fact that I don't "have a dream" and take the advice of the "sage" Tim Minchin, and just pursue short term goals with passion and dedication.
Oh, the youtube embedding doesn't work anymore? This is the link, see 2.48 Tim Minchin - YouTube
I think I'm in what is no doubt a common phase, where I'm stuck a little on the morbidity of it all. Life suddenly feels much shorter - the 5 year survival rate for people with my stage RCC is between 80-95%, which sounds good until you think that it means that as many as 1 in 5 or 15 people just like me died as a direct result of their cancer in only 5 years. Then when you extend it out to 15 years the rate keeps getting higher, and not just for death (as there are natural deaths too) but as a direct result of the cancer. I'm glad that I've experienced a lot of things in my life so far, so I don't feel depressed by what I've done with my life. If it does happen that I am in the 5% I don't think I'd leave any big regrets behind. I don't have kids which is such a blessing. There's a chance that the reason I have this is because of a genetic predisposition to get cancer, so if I had children I would be passing that down to them. I will get tested for this gene after I have recovered. Plus also there's the fact that I don't have to worry about leaving a kid behind.
Anyway, I am sounding a bit down about it, but I'm not feeling down about it. Just exploring the possibilities, so to speak. I think it's normal.
I have been thinking about alcohol - eg since I literally won't be able to drink like I used to with one kidney, does this open up a forced normality? Could I drink like a 'normal' person now that I don't have the option of drinking like a drunk? I have to be honest, though, and the thought of drinking to deal with this is so very unappealing. I think there's a part of me that is thinking about alcohol because it's a safe, 'normal' thing that I used to do before when everything was ok, but it's such a small, quiet part of me that it doesn't even register as an urge or craving. I also think I'm cataloguing every aspect of my life, every possibility, as part of coping with the news, so I don't think it's a concern that I've also thought about what one kidney means for me and alcohol. I feel very strong with my sobriety.
Last edited by AliceTW; 10-11-2013 at 03:52 PM. Reason: You Tube link
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 320
Just saw this post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...abbatical.html
Much love Dee, I hope the rest does you well and you're back with us soon.
Much love Dee, I hope the rest does you well and you're back with us soon.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Alice, you are so brave and being dealing with this. I probably don't have the right words to offer any comfort.
With regards to drinking maybe look at it the other way.Drinking with oly 1 kidney surely is far more dangerous for a problem drinker/alcoholic. nothing to fall back on if something goes wrong. If Istarted drinking again,whatever the reason, I know I could never drink normally again (not sure if I ever did) Maybe you've gone past drinking normally.I'm sure you could quite easily drink just like you used to with just one kidney but the damage you'd do could be awful. Please don't drink.Being sober is thebest gift you can give yourself both in terms of dealing with this,an easier ,quicker recovery.
I also think you're being way too hard on yourself courage. Be kind to yourself
Happy sober Saturday everyone.x
With regards to drinking maybe look at it the other way.Drinking with oly 1 kidney surely is far more dangerous for a problem drinker/alcoholic. nothing to fall back on if something goes wrong. If Istarted drinking again,whatever the reason, I know I could never drink normally again (not sure if I ever did) Maybe you've gone past drinking normally.I'm sure you could quite easily drink just like you used to with just one kidney but the damage you'd do could be awful. Please don't drink.Being sober is thebest gift you can give yourself both in terms of dealing with this,an easier ,quicker recovery.
I also think you're being way too hard on yourself courage. Be kind to yourself
Happy sober Saturday everyone.x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
good morning all, busy weekend (again) helping with a school auction this am than a salmon bar b q this eve.
Alice I second what RAL posted, I would be concerned about compromising the remaining kidney.
Stay strong all, good luck tomorrow Napster with your class!
Alice I second what RAL posted, I would be concerned about compromising the remaining kidney.
Stay strong all, good luck tomorrow Napster with your class!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Hi all -- re the meeting & speaking, I think I was just speaking from where I'm at with my thinking on my alcoholism, which is kind of dark and a bit angry. Some speakers are deep into their spirituality, and some are quite funny, and some just drone, but I was dark. My alcoholism got pretty dark, & it's going to take more than 10 months to repair the wreckage of my life -- not the externals, but the mental wreckage.
I'm not complaining -- I have a good marriage, a healthy son, pretty good health myself, financial security and a decent job. But my thinking is twisted, and the twists are getting more & more apparent to me.
Tam, this is what I'm getting out of the 4th step: I'm seeing my twisted thinking, and some of where it came from. Have you done 5 yet?
Alice, I'm sure you'll go through many different phases in processing all the changes in your life & health. I hope that one day, just like sobriety, this will not be the main thing around which all your thinking revolves -- it will just be a part of your personal history, oh yes, 10 years ago that happened. But it will take a long time of healing and changing assumptions about life. We all want to be with you through all those changes. I expect to have you around here for a long, long time!
Napster, stay with it -- what sobriety support are you getting? PM me!
Tazzle, yum salmon. I'm going to put it on my shopping list now.
Gonzo, glad work is a bit light for you these days & Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!
Do you turkey in Canada?
Marria, haven't heard from you in a bit -- hope you're well!
RAL, thanks always for your supportive words & your support for everyone here -- you're a rock!
I'm not complaining -- I have a good marriage, a healthy son, pretty good health myself, financial security and a decent job. But my thinking is twisted, and the twists are getting more & more apparent to me.
Tam, this is what I'm getting out of the 4th step: I'm seeing my twisted thinking, and some of where it came from. Have you done 5 yet?
Alice, I'm sure you'll go through many different phases in processing all the changes in your life & health. I hope that one day, just like sobriety, this will not be the main thing around which all your thinking revolves -- it will just be a part of your personal history, oh yes, 10 years ago that happened. But it will take a long time of healing and changing assumptions about life. We all want to be with you through all those changes. I expect to have you around here for a long, long time!
Napster, stay with it -- what sobriety support are you getting? PM me!
Tazzle, yum salmon. I'm going to put it on my shopping list now.
Gonzo, glad work is a bit light for you these days & Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!
Do you turkey in Canada?Marria, haven't heard from you in a bit -- hope you're well!
RAL, thanks always for your supportive words & your support for everyone here -- you're a rock!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Morning all!
Alice, I like your posts, they're all of what you're thinking. I think you're quite brave right now. And doing what you should be, remaining sober.
Gonzo, have fun with your hockey and golf. I guess they are similar huh? Lol
Napster, I am so happy to see you here and hope you pull up a seat for the whole weekend. Really. Think that drink through if you get thoughts this weekend. Where will it lead you?
Howdy and congrats on 10 months Marria and RAL.
Courage, I have found the 4th to be so eye opening. Like. Wow. Just in the last couple of weeks. I have to pick a date and a place for my 5th. My sponsor says that it will take all day and that it has to be a place I am comfortable so I am thinking here at home on a Saturday afternoon. When are you doing yours? Are you almost there?
I am spending the weekend in bed and lying around! I have been working like a madman and our system release is next weekend and I'm pulling all three day (we start at 4 am on Friday, 6 am on Sat and 6 am on Sunday) so I am taking this time to rest.
I took a newcomer to a meeting last night. She asked me to sponsor her but I'm not supposed to until I finish all the steps but I told her she can call me any time. It's funny... I can see how much my thinking has changed since getting sober in talking to her. She is where I was. And that is a little painful to recognize but it's true. I'm so glad to be sober today.
Everyone have a good sober weekend!
Lynn
Alice, I like your posts, they're all of what you're thinking. I think you're quite brave right now. And doing what you should be, remaining sober.
Gonzo, have fun with your hockey and golf. I guess they are similar huh? Lol
Napster, I am so happy to see you here and hope you pull up a seat for the whole weekend. Really. Think that drink through if you get thoughts this weekend. Where will it lead you?
Howdy and congrats on 10 months Marria and RAL.
Courage, I have found the 4th to be so eye opening. Like. Wow. Just in the last couple of weeks. I have to pick a date and a place for my 5th. My sponsor says that it will take all day and that it has to be a place I am comfortable so I am thinking here at home on a Saturday afternoon. When are you doing yours? Are you almost there?
I am spending the weekend in bed and lying around! I have been working like a madman and our system release is next weekend and I'm pulling all three day (we start at 4 am on Friday, 6 am on Sat and 6 am on Sunday) so I am taking this time to rest.
I took a newcomer to a meeting last night. She asked me to sponsor her but I'm not supposed to until I finish all the steps but I told her she can call me any time. It's funny... I can see how much my thinking has changed since getting sober in talking to her. She is where I was. And that is a little painful to recognize but it's true. I'm so glad to be sober today.
Everyone have a good sober weekend!
Lynn
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Good night all.
I've been quite busy recently doing things,living life I suppose. I 've started going to the local church group and got involved with some school and community activities. this is so way far out from anything I've ever done before and I'm really enjoying it.
I would never have had the confidence to do any of this when drinking as was insular and isolated plus paranoid and thought no one liked me. Amazing how justfeeling peaceful life can be sober and how that then leads to more productive/useful things. Even just smiling yields positive results.
I don't think I've ever really done anything for no personal/financial gain in a general sense (helped friends and family of course) so this volunteering is so new. I'm really enjoying it and it helps me feel better. I realize how selfishly I've lived my life before. I do feel a bit of a fraud though.I've changed that much in the past 10 months it's almost as if I've re-invented myself, not intentionally. This tied in with moving so eveyrone I know now didn't know me before. People say nice thingsand positive comments but I sometimes feel fradulent as think if they knew what I used to be like they wouldn't like me one bit.
I've felt some despair recently. Not sure what is bothering me,justsomething.You know when you wake in the middle of the night and you can't get back to sleep ,something is on your mind. I keep waking and feel very uncertain, nervous even. As though life is good, do I deserve this or is it about to come crashing round me anytime soon.I'm not a fanciful person so no idea where this is comign from
I must sleep,good night all
I've been quite busy recently doing things,living life I suppose. I 've started going to the local church group and got involved with some school and community activities. this is so way far out from anything I've ever done before and I'm really enjoying it.
I would never have had the confidence to do any of this when drinking as was insular and isolated plus paranoid and thought no one liked me. Amazing how justfeeling peaceful life can be sober and how that then leads to more productive/useful things. Even just smiling yields positive results.
I don't think I've ever really done anything for no personal/financial gain in a general sense (helped friends and family of course) so this volunteering is so new. I'm really enjoying it and it helps me feel better. I realize how selfishly I've lived my life before. I do feel a bit of a fraud though.I've changed that much in the past 10 months it's almost as if I've re-invented myself, not intentionally. This tied in with moving so eveyrone I know now didn't know me before. People say nice thingsand positive comments but I sometimes feel fradulent as think if they knew what I used to be like they wouldn't like me one bit.
I've felt some despair recently. Not sure what is bothering me,justsomething.You know when you wake in the middle of the night and you can't get back to sleep ,something is on your mind. I keep waking and feel very uncertain, nervous even. As though life is good, do I deserve this or is it about to come crashing round me anytime soon.I'm not a fanciful person so no idea where this is comign from
I must sleep,good night all
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
RAL -- I actually said something about feelings like you describe when I spoke at the AA meeting -- I said that since getting sober I was starting to feel (and I admitted I was nervous even to say it) something like hope for myself as a member of the human race, and it's really scary to admit that hope, out of fear that I will disappoint myself and others as I think I've done so many times in the past.
The only thing each of us really must do tho, to keep that shred of hope alive, is not take a drink today.
The only thing each of us really must do tho, to keep that shred of hope alive, is not take a drink today.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Hope you're having a good one. Really!
I never could get into Thanksgiving myself. It was stressful when I was a kid -- like the stress of sitting at a table headed at one end by my alcoholic father, my slightly drunk/pill-popping mother at the other -- taken to the max at Thanksgiving when we united w/all the aunts & uncles & cousins w/their various degrees of dysfunction. Over weird rich food that made me queasy. #1 best Thanksgiving memory was when I was about 8, sneaking to the bar at the country club where the whole family had convened, and a nice bartender giving me Shirley Temples.
Guess I'm not looking forward to the holidays. Hope we all stick together. Gratitude, gratitude, where are thou my gratitude?
I never could get into Thanksgiving myself. It was stressful when I was a kid -- like the stress of sitting at a table headed at one end by my alcoholic father, my slightly drunk/pill-popping mother at the other -- taken to the max at Thanksgiving when we united w/all the aunts & uncles & cousins w/their various degrees of dysfunction. Over weird rich food that made me queasy. #1 best Thanksgiving memory was when I was about 8, sneaking to the bar at the country club where the whole family had convened, and a nice bartender giving me Shirley Temples.
Guess I'm not looking forward to the holidays. Hope we all stick together. Gratitude, gratitude, where are thou my gratitude?
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Lol courage. I have never been big for Holidays either. My dad and all the men of the family were drunk, my mom was a stressed martyr and I was uncomfortable in dressy clothes. Then after my mom left my dad, my mom was a stressed martyr with no money and those days would be spent weeping. I keep it light for my son, we go to a friend's house and eat and play with the small children.
Off to meet with my sponsor and then a women's meeting. Last night someone told everyone at dinner that I was responsible for her getting sober, all because I smiled and invited her to a meeting. Wow.
Then. The Walking Dead!!!! We are going to bathe, put on Jammies and watch together. I cannot wait!
Off to meet with my sponsor and then a women's meeting. Last night someone told everyone at dinner that I was responsible for her getting sober, all because I smiled and invited her to a meeting. Wow.
Then. The Walking Dead!!!! We are going to bathe, put on Jammies and watch together. I cannot wait!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 569
good am all
RAL, My volunteer work with the SAR team has lead to meeting some very wonderful people. Moving to an area where you know NO ONE, it was/is a life saver for me. I was hesitant as I had spent 20 + years doing this at our previous home, I was hoping for another direction and not sure I wanted to jump in. But some people pointed out that I had a lot to offer and would appreciate my input. that was good for the old ego.
Just take things one at a time, push the comfort zone a little. Good times if you let it!
Here's to a new week, new oppurtunities!!
RAL, My volunteer work with the SAR team has lead to meeting some very wonderful people. Moving to an area where you know NO ONE, it was/is a life saver for me. I was hesitant as I had spent 20 + years doing this at our previous home, I was hoping for another direction and not sure I wanted to jump in. But some people pointed out that I had a lot to offer and would appreciate my input. that was good for the old ego.
Just take things one at a time, push the comfort zone a little. Good times if you let it!
Here's to a new week, new oppurtunities!!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Tazzle, you sound great! I'm so pleased for you!
Otherwise very quiet here today. I hope everyone is well and enjoying their holiday, if they're having one -- or just enjoying themselves.
I've been hitting lots of AA meetings to try to lift me out of a week-long funk, but I'm feeling really ambivalent still in AA. I feel like I need it to stay sober, but all the people-contact makes me very anxious. I'm wondering about the value for me of all this effort to try to join the human race. I still feel alienated most of the time -- stuck between sober anxiety and alcoholic depression.
Well, time will tell. Now, gotta go mash up some fresh guacamole!
Otherwise very quiet here today. I hope everyone is well and enjoying their holiday, if they're having one -- or just enjoying themselves.
I've been hitting lots of AA meetings to try to lift me out of a week-long funk, but I'm feeling really ambivalent still in AA. I feel like I need it to stay sober, but all the people-contact makes me very anxious. I'm wondering about the value for me of all this effort to try to join the human race. I still feel alienated most of the time -- stuck between sober anxiety and alcoholic depression.
Well, time will tell. Now, gotta go mash up some fresh guacamole!
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